grumpy-pineapple

[grumpy-pineapple]

I hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i want this stupid burden to the world dead I WANT MYSELF DEAD !!!! But i CANT!!! I CANT just off myself because it will cause unimaginable pain and burden and agony to everyone i care about and so YES the Agony of causing anybody else any kind of inconvenience still outweighs the utter hatred and abhorence i have for my useless fucking body and spirit. I want to hurt myself and tear myself apart because im stupid and deserve it and i cojkd never be enough for anyone but if i do anything to myself that anyone could see it will cause them even more mental and emotional pain than im going through right now. I would be a horrible and evil person for even considering doing sonething that would hurt the people i love like that. But fuck. Fuckkk i wanna hurt myself or punish myself so badly. I want to break my teeth and bite my tounge off and shatter my fingers one by one and tear the skin off my muscles with my own fingernails and rip my hair out until it bleeds. If i ever end up hating someone with as much passion and intensity as i hate this walking CARCASS of a person, then devil himself would offer them a pat of synpathy. I hate that i couldnt be good enough for everyone back then and i hate that right now i still cant be good enough for myself

[grumpy-pineapple]

All I want is for someone to tell me that all the things I hate about myself aren’t true but

[grumpy-pineapple]

God I’m such a fucking lazy ass idiot. I had so much time to do my shit . How did I pass. What the fuck. My teacher was being way too nice to me and I definitely don’t deserve a passing c grade..... my room is a god damned garbage dump, I just blew a bunch of money AND my diet this week because I’ve been stressed, and I still have no clue how to get Williams book published. What am I even doing. I haven’t gone to work in weeks. I have maybe $80 right now. I want to enjoy the fact that I’m finished but I still have so much to do. Holiday matsuri is in three weeks and I’m nowhere near prepared. I probably won’t be able to do one of the costumes. im not going to be able to fit in my costume that I’ve worked so hard on. I’ve worked so hard these past few months but Not only was it not enough but i still feel like I didn’t try my best even though I know i did. I don’t have enough time I don’t have enough time I’m not good enough IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!! Not even good enough for my friends and family but not good enough for myself why can’t I be better for my own god damn sake !!!!!! Why am I so stupid and dumb and useless and !!!! I can’t keep breaking down like this I can’t keep doing this !!!!! I know I have to but fucking god I’m already so useless and a burden on people bc I can’t drive because I’m too fucking lazy and anxious to get my liscencse I can’t do anything right !!!!!!!! The only thing I’m even good for is a good laugh and that’s literally fuckkng it. Im not pretty without makeup or right billion fucking filters my body is a mess and even when I go eating hardly anything for days on end I can’t lose weight anymore and I just HAD TO GO AND RUIN IT FOR MYSELF !!!!! And now there’s no time to earn any more money for the con and I’m gonna have to drop a million omthing shshvdjavzjabhshsbhs this is all my fault that I’m so miserable and stressed like why am I even here other than to give people a hard time l!!! Why do people even put up with me !!!!!!!!!!!! AND OF COURSE MY ROOM MATE HAS TO COME IN AND SEE MY DISGUSTING PIG PEN OF A ROOM im so embarrassed of myself im so embarrassing why can’t I have some semblance of my life together I’m literally falling apart and I can’t even fucking talk to anyone about it because I already am always talking about myself and my own problems and I’m so selfish and useless and venting to other people only makes them upset and hurts them even more !!! If I try to talk to fucking anyone about how stressed and how much I wish I could just disappear for a few days I just !!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot possibly express how much I despise myself as a person right now. I’m not good enough for anyone let alone myself. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself!!!!!! Why can’t I be as good as everyone thinks I should be

[grumpy-pineapple]

actually if we’re being all out honest here the real reason I never started hurting myself is for the most selfish reason. I felt so bad and so sad and so anxious when my friends started doing it that I promised myself I would never try it bc I never wanted anyone to feel as awful or as guilty as I felt. Also I’m a little pussy that hates pain and am deathly afraid of razor cuts haha

[grumpy-pineapple]

It’s actually impossible for me to express how much I hate myself and the only reason I never got into depressing shit like hurting myself or really talking to someone about how much I loathe myself and my body is because I know it’s annoying and the last thing I wanna do is have people worry about me bc tbh of all my friends who really has given a shit abt me or my feelings when I’m upset lmfao lmfao how many long ass apologies where I’m literally sobbing with anxiety have I sent and even said directly to their faces and gotten literally a “shut up” or an emotionless reaction,,,,,, and tbh I probably deserve it bc I know my dumb fuckin apologies and sorrys are the most annoying thing on earth and I don’t blame them for telling me to shut up every time I send one bc honestly who wants to hear that shit form a girl who can’t ever take a hint or is so fuckkng dumb and gullible and annoying lmao. Like I’ve been so dumb that my mistakes have drastically hurt my friends and they still decide to fuckin talk to me like I’m worth more than a pile of dirt which is amazing in itself. Why do I feel like I don’t deserve to have such good friends who are sometimes so shitty to me i want to scream. why do I feel like I’m not being punished enough for all the mean dumb stupid shit I’ve done and keep on doing anyway I literally hate myself so fuckin much and honestly The Whole earth would be a better place if I were just gone but at least I’m not actually suicidal like if I could just disappear for awhile and come back that would be great and as much as I wish I were a different person and that I was just gone I like eating food and watching anime too much to really wanna die lmao lmao lmao

[grumpy-pineapple]

haven’t been on this one in awhile but it feels like it’s been too long since I’ve expressed how much I hate myself and my body and all the shitty things I do so much that I honestly can’t stand it haha

[grumpy-pineapple]

hornk

[grumpy-pineapple]

when life is kicking ur ass but u tryin to stay positive

[grumpy-pineapple]

life plan

[grumpy-pineapple]

Game Xfglg

Ty with a

[grumpy-pineapple]

Nothing bad bad right now. I know I'm gonna look back on this at some point. Nobody's in trouble or hurt except me, and I'm not even having an anxiety attack ?. I just feel ugh.

[grumpy-pineapple]

Like Don't mistake my care for Bridget for romantic love, it's all %100 platonic I love her but like a sister or best friend because she IS my sister she IS my absolute BEST FRIEND and I care about her so much and the face that she cares about Sarah and jets ha more jus kills me inside like what can they do that I can't what do they have to offer her that I can't why can't I be good enough I'm sorry I'm not good enough for anyone

[grumpy-pineapple]

2am loneliness inkling in and I'm just here looking for my faults I know Emily cares but I hate to worry her. She has enough on her plate, she goes through so much and deals with so much if my shit already,, why do I feel guilty whenever someone asks me why I hate myself

[grumpy-pineapple]

I wish she cared about me like I care about her

[grumpy-pineapple]

Nicole asked me if I was ok and by default I said yes but am I even really ok???? Bridget never asks if I'm ok. She doesn't care. I'm always worried about her and I try to let her know how much I care about her and how she's my best friend but she doesn't care about me. She doesn't ask me how my day is, she doesn't ask me if I'm making friends, or if I'm feeling ok she never gets worried about me or nervous and I'm only just an annoyance to her and a joke at best

[grumpy-pineapple]

Useless and inadequate like fuck why can't I be good enough!!!!!!! I try so hard to be the best at what I can do and even then it's mediocre SND stake and annoying like I'm not funny I'm just wired and annoying and pitiful

[grumpy-pineapple]

It's hard to accept that I'm not good enough for her anymore and that there are other people that make her more happy thsn I do. I just want her to be happy. I can't do anything right I can't help her I can't make her happy at all like if I can't do that than I'm useless