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I want to quit

I’m somewhere between dropping out entirely and changing career paths. I still feel like hot garbage post mcat. I know didn’t do well on either of my midterms this weeks. The quarter system has felt like to much for me since I transferred and I thought I’d get used to it but I haven’t I just hate it more. I don’t learn like this it’s too fast and you need to just quickly memorize things and I can’t do that I lack the capacity I think I had it when I was younger but I just don’t anymore if I fact I ever did. I’m so tired and tired of being tried and tried of feeling like all this effort is for nothing cause I have a 3.6 since starting here. And like I objectively not a bad gpa but just not enough for med school. My dad thinks I’m being defeatist and that I should apply anyway. But the application cycle is on top of us and I just don’t feel ready to apply I don’t think it’s enough I don’t think I’m enough. I’m just now learning about all these things I didn’t know I needed and just don’t know if it’s worth it to apply. The premed councilors here on campus don’t seem to know what to tell me, when I talk to them treat me like I am a traditional student like mid conversation they forget that I’m not and that just makes me loose faith in there ability to actually help me for me they loose credibility. Anyway I don’t know what to do and I feel so lost

Also I haven’t been able to get anyone read my personal statement like everyone that I know who I thought might be open to it has turned me down told me just don’t feel comfortable and that I should ask someone else. And it’s gotten to the point that I wrote that in January and no one has read it but me so I guess I have to find someone to read it like a paid service?

All of this just seems to add up to I’m not ready to apply this cycle. But I don’t know if I can do a gap year be willing to come back to school again. I don’t know if I can feel like a person with a life and give that up AGAIN. I don’t know that I’m strong enough

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I think I have cycled through every emotion in existence at least 2 a day since taking this goddam exam. The suspense is killing me. I need to know how I did. I feel like I can’t move forward with my self and with my application till I know but the thing is that I have to. I have to start filling out this application, and i need to finalize my personal statement, so much that I need to do and I’ve no room breath. Oh let’s not forget that I’m still in classes so I have midterms coming up next week and finals in just a few and like 3 presentations. Honestly maybe I’m just too old for this shit. I feel like I just don’t have the energy to spare for all of the extra stuff needed for premed…so what does that say about my ability to handle med school?

I think all the adrenaline from the exam has worn off and I’m crashing bad. It doesn’t help that I started my period. Everything just feels to everything right now and I don’t know how to make it stop

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Ok I admit it…. >.< I feel pretty good about this exam… the p/s was almost all chem and since it wasn’t as bad without all the phys I felt more refreshed going into cars. B/B felt pretty good tho I’m not sure it’ll be my best not as aa heavy but very few complete guesses I think… ps was what it usually is and that won’t be anything above my usual. My truly I am cautiously optimistic… hopefully I don’t cringe looking at this on June 10th

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MCAT

I took the MCAT today and wow. Honestly I don’t know if it was a good idea not to void but it felt wrong to. Like if I voided it wouldn’t even be graded like not even for my own records. It would be as if I sat through a seven hour exam for nothing. At the very least I hope it was enough for me to get into like low tear md or like DO I’ll even do international if I have to. The end goal has always been doctor how I get there is more or less incidental. I am glad it’s over though I hope it went decently

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MCAT

Taking the MCAT this Friday and I feel so unprepared. The exam is truly a beast! I see why the biggest weeder part of the process. I feel my brain has turned to mush, I want to cry all the time! The frustration of the fact that I had no one to guide me to help with where to start studying is killing me. If I had known to start sooner I would have if I had where and how to start I could have done that you know? I should’ve realized a few weeks ago that I wouldn’t be ready and pushed back when I had the chance. Any way now I have to take it this week and more worried about not being able to have enough fight to take the test again if it come out bad… does that mean I’m not cut out for this?

Ever since transferring to a four year, I have had this feeling of not being good enough, or of feeling behind. Everyone here is so smart (way smarter than me), and they seem to just get it, and I have to struggle through all my classes. I guess it’s hard not to compare to when I was their age and I could hear things once or see things once and retain most of the information, but my brain just doesn’t work like that now that I’m older. and I know it’s silly and it’s even sillier to be thinking of all of that right now. but it just kind of feels like the stress of everything has built up and it’s all really started to weigh on me.

Maybe it’s the fatigue physical mental emotional maybe after this Friday I can get some good sleep and take some deep breaths and I can remember that I am a person again. And truth be told I’m not even aiming for a super high score on the MCAT, which is not something that you usually hear from Pre Meds my goal is not to be the top candidate. It’s not to be the best. It’s just to make it there with a little bit of luck and a lot of hard work. I’m hoping that I can.