guinixyz

[guinixyz]

2/6

hey, I’m back.

I’ve just been a little drained lately. Week 6 and finals week came and went, and here I am recovering. My hormones I think has been really off since for the first time this year I’ve just woken up crying for a while. But it might also be a result of a talk j and I had last night. Who knows anymore honestly.

I guess I honestly just don’t get how every time it feels like it’s starting to get better... it all just comes crashing down again. Have I just been living in a false reality this past month?

Idk, I think I’m going to take a break from social media. I’ve invested so much time just mindlessly scrolling that I don’t even think my brain knows how to intentionally pay attention anymore.

I guess I just feel really lost and alone right now, and I don’t really know what to do or who to reach out to. So, I really just hope that small changes to my lifestyle would just make even a little bit of a difference bc I’m so tired of feeling like this.

[guinixyz]

1/10

this who situation w j’s sisters is so annoying tbh. they’re so ignorant and selfish. I just can’t really fathom how people who are so smart can be so irrational in their behaviors and choices. But I guess it’s probably bc being smart doesn’t necessarily equate to being rational and that’s just a realization I have to settle with in my head. but yeah idk. its literally the most frustrating thing in the world bc I also know that j feels bad and it’s his sisters / family yada yada. but honestly who cares. they’ve made their decision. they clearly don’t care about their family bc they continuously disrespect and put into harms way the people they claim to “care” about. if they truly cared, they either should just stay away from them while they choose to continue partying during a PANDEMIC or quarantine their ass so they can respect the decisions j and his mom have made about how they wanted to approach this whole situation. also, it’s an even bigger insult that they’re over there literally broadcasting their choices online. maybe not on their platform directly last night, but cmon u must know that people will see ur cousin’s story. at the same time, their silence and choice not to post anything last night shows even more how cognizant they are the situation, how bad it looks in terms of perception, and their choice to blatantly ignore it bc they rly don’t care. truly. they can always claim to care but I feel like their choices now is a pretty big defining point of their personality and how they truly are as a person. and it’s frustrating bc j can’t see that or choose to just turn away from it bc it’s his sisters and it’s “not his life.” but u know what fuck that bc u are always in the position to create boundaries and sideline people who are just overall shitty people. and I guess before it was easier to just say that they’re good people who make shitty decisions but honestly more and more I’m just starting to think they’re shitty people I don’t particularly want to associate myself with. I’m so tired of them thinking nothing in the world is being affected by their actions or them distancing themselves from people when they’re exactly the same as them. the literally only difference is that they’re good at hiding those ideals whereas at least the other people are upfront about how they really feel about everything. like fuck. really ur here posting blm while partying during a pandemic mostly killing poc???? like stfu. they’re so complicit and the title of “family” is really just blinding j of how complicit they really are. sometimes j complains that it seems like I would break up w him bc of his sisters, and honestly I feel like that’s fair??? I, by no means claim my family is perfect, but I also know my boundaries and the type of environment I want to in the future raise my child in. and sometimes I’m afraid that bc j is so willing to push his boundaries for his sisters, as I’ve seen time and time again, bc of just the fact that they’re his sisters that it would more than drastically affect my life and the environment my children will grow up in. like if they stay like that, I personally don’t want my kids to be hanging out w their kids or even being babysat by them bc I don’t want my kids to acquire bad habits or ideals while spending too much time w them. like I just don’t trust it. especially knowing how important early childhood is in development and my struggles w mental health bc of all that I personally don’t want to risk it. and yes, j always says it may be premature bc other things can break us up but honestly they’re pretty all encompassing in his life (they literally talked almost everyday while we were in nc) and they’re just rly hard to put in the out of sight out of mind category and I’m so tired of being perpetually frustrated of them doing things and him justifying their actions or just saying whatever to it when it’s not whatever.

[guinixyz]

I’m wasting away my 20s sitting in my childhood bedroom instead of LIVING because selfish people (like YOU) can’t, for even ONE second, think about anyone else besides yourself and YOUR needs. Like holy FUCJ

[guinixyz]

12/31

What a way to end such a shit show of a year. Of course my parents will have their choice words when I talk about being bullied when it comes to my cooking. They honestly always makes it seem like they’ve raised such a good environment that fosters healthy relationships between siblings. Like no. We’re literally loosely contracted to each other truly just relating in the fact that we have a collective trauma that we’ve acquired from their parenting. My dad even had the audacity to say that we were raised to be in “competition” and because of that we should “raise each other up” as a second nature. And when I bring up how those two are so contradictory, I’m instead met with blah blah blah it’s a you problem and you’re just never going to listen so what’s the point. Well, it seems like you understand because they’re the EXACT. SAME. WAY. Ugh, I honestly am much much better off alone. I don’t even care what j says about oh you’ll never cut them off they’re your parents. I’m at a point really where I don’t care anymore. They’ve brought nothing but suffering for me and truly no material things will replace all the wrongs they’ve done that has led to mostly the reason why I struggle as an adult now.

[guinixyz]

the perfect day.

wake up early when the sun is barely peeking through the clouds and the wind outside feels freher and chillier than it usually does. put on my puffy black penfield and bundled up throughly for the morning adventure. grab a cup coffee from sightglass and go to a high point somewhere to watch the sunrise. then maybe morning workout in between and after getting ready going off to an afternoon picnic at the park with another coffee in hand of course. we set up our blanket somewhere so we can alternate between talking, sitting in silence, and maybe even reading. we escape back to the indoors once the sky turns into the vibrant colors of sunset where we change into some cozy sleepwear ready to watch a marathon of movies and shows until it’s finally time to sleep.

[guinixyz]

12/28

do you ever just feel someone slipping away?

I feel like that’s what’s happening here, but nowadays I can’t seem to discern whether something is actually happening or just another manifestation of my ill brain. I really want to think that it’s the latter though I might just be deluding myself at the end of the day if that’s not really the case.

[guinixyz]

12/28

today I finally got the courage to confront j on his grievances about our relationship. tbh, I was a little worried that this would cause more problem for me than good. but I think overall it was a conversation that had to happen. I’ve been on the edge about our relationship for a few months now - questioning where I stood in his life despite him saying that he did love me. I just always felt like there was a wall that needed to be broken for me to feel comfortable and secure in our relationship and idk I feel like after our convo today that wall finally came down. For once, I felt like it was a very productive conversation that I had nothing to add to. Everything was hashed out, in my mind, and I feel more at peace knowing that we’ve talked about all the things we have talked about. I just hope that from here on out I don’t disappoint him by not at least making some progress towards the things we had laid out that needed to be changed. Idk, I love that boy so much and I’m just so so so afraid to lose him. I just hope that I do end up becoming someone he can be happier with.