hainuna - Tumblr blog

[hainuna]

"Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable."

- Bruce Lee -

[hainuna]

Hostile Area

Sometimes a person comes into our lives just to teach us something.

This is a hostile area where the enemy can come at any time. This place is 4113 kilometers away from my hometown and there's no proper access to go there. It's about 2000 meters above sea level, so it's often foggy or rainy here, the sun was rarely seen. You cannot get the sinyal internet easily here, so SMS is the most possible way when you want to reach someone outside this area. But you've to be patient, cause even SMS took a few minutes (or sometimes hours) to be delivered and/or received.

When someone was deployed to this place, M16 (or maybe AK47, well something like that, I don't know exactly the series name) was the thing that has to be ALWAYS on their side, even when they're sleeping! Can you sleep tightly when you have to hold a firearm beside?

With all the conditions I've mentioned above, this one person still manage to contact me just to ask how was my day going, just to ask if my broken ankle getting better or if it still hurt, just to tell me what's going there, etc.

Honestly, darling or whoever you are who read this, if someone really cares about you, the distance will not be the problem! Commitment and communication are key. Yeah, he/she will not text you every hour cause they have a life outside you too. But, they will always MAKE TIME, they will always make AN EFFORT to know about you, because so do you, right? If they said they're busy? Sorry, but this guy is also busy keeping his team alive in this hostile area. No one will be so busy, it's always about the priority.

Communication is the bare minimum, if you find yourself begging for the bare minimum, especially if they're in a safe place and do not have any problem with sinyal internet, I'm so sorry to hear that but maybe he/she just not that into you. I hope you can accept the truth and love yourself more.

And for a person whom I don't know where you are deployed now, thank you for teaching me those precious lessons.

Magelang, 29 November 2020

[hainuna]

Some people try so hard to find the way out and some others choose the easiest way to escape. Can you see the difference?

[hainuna]

I think I'll be strong enough to bear it until the day when we will meet again. Only to find that I cry a lot on the day three.

[hainuna]

I didn't do that eventhough I can. It's a betrayal for me. And I don't want to betray myself.

[hainuna]

I don't know why things suddenly go so fast and get beyond control. And I know, once again...I'll survive!

[hainuna]

I put the cookies jar on my lap, eating cookies while listening to all your words praising her.

I keep silent, so I can clearly hear what you said. Deep inside, I'm bleeding.

[hainuna]

“In the end, even if we go in different directions. I want you to be happy, even though we’re not together. Though I’m no longer part of your happiness. I’m so happy that you part of my life. And I will forever cherish our memories.”

—

[hainuna]

Aku ingin menangis bermalam-malam untuk merayakan kehilangan setelah empat belas tahun kebersamaan, namun tak satu titikpun air mata yang dapat kuteteskan.

Kau tahu? Ketika air mata tak bisa merayakan kesedihan, saat itulah sebenar-benarnya tumbang, seperih-perihnya luka.

[hainuna]

I only bring about you and me on this table. I consider every single word, so it's only about two people. You and me. I carefully arrange those sentences, did the best way not to hurt anyone. I thought you'll try your best to do the same. And I find you blatantly bring her here.

The table is a little bit crowded now. I decide to leave.

Set your expectation too high, and you'll found yourself fall too low.

[hainuna]

Purnama.

Entah untuk keberapakalinya mendapat gambar purnama dari tempat yang berbeda-beda tapi selalu...dari orang yang sama. Semoga ada saatnya kita menatap purnama, bersama, berdua.

[hainuna]

I wanna heal the wound. Maybe drop some medicine there so it will slowly be cured. Sadly, I don't know where the wound is.

[hainuna]

Mungkin yang aku butuhkan bukanlah jawaban, melainkan penerimaan bahwa sekian banyak kenapa-ku tidak akan pernah menemukan jawabannya.

[hainuna]

Lirih

"Sehat-sehat ya! Jaga diri baik-baik. Jangan pernah meremehkan kondisi medan dan pastikan peralatanmu lengkap. Semoga Tuhan melindungimu."

Mungkin terdengar klise dan mebosankan, tapi itulah yang setulus-tulusnya kupanjatkan dari hati.

[hainuna]

H

Dear H, I don't know how I should write 'you' again here. I just hope you're doing well there. You said, you're on high fever in this past five days, thirty-nine point five degrees Celcius. I hope you just tired, I hope it's not your malaria relapse. Get well soon, so you can meet your pets and happily playing with them.

H, some people said time heals, some others said acceptance heals. But..it's been six months since our last meeting, and I still aches everytime I remember you. I hate how small things suddenly fly my mind to you, to our togetherness. While all I know is that you don't care about my existence anymore hahaha, I know how stupid I am. So, how long does time need to heal me? If acceptance that heals, could you at least tell me how to start? I considered going to a psychologist for therapy countless times since there is the biggest Rumah Sakit Jiwa in town. But I think what If I am just exaggerate everything. I need a tutorial to completely ignore someone and all the memories, just like what you did to me.

[hainuna]

Kehilangan

Aneh rasanya. Aku turut merasakan sedih dan kehilangan untuk orang yang bahkan tidak aku kenal sama sekali dan mungkin belum pernah aku temui selama hidup. Bukan sekadar simpati, tapi entah kenapa aku merasakan begitu sakit dan sedih, bahkan hingga saat ini. Like...it hurts me that much. Aku sebaper ini. Padahal, aku hanya 'mengenal' mereka lewat berita di beberapa media. Apakah ada yang pernah mengalami hal serupa?

Desember 2019 adalah jadwal si lelaki pulang setelah berbulan-bulan melaksanakan tugas. Desember 2019 tentu menjadi bulan yang ditunggu sang wanita. Kamu tau kan rasanya menunggu kekasih pulang? Meski selama ia pergi kamu selalu menjaga komunikasi, tapi pasti ada hal-hal yang ingin kamu ceritakan dan ingin kamu lakukan bersama saat akhirnya kalian bertemu in person. Ada banyak rencana yg kau susun bersamanya, kelak ketika ia pulang. Tapi kamu tau apa yang terjadi dengan mereka berdua? Ketika sudah sangat dekat dengan jadwal kepulangan, setelah penantian berbulan-bulan, akhirnya si lelaki pulang...jasad dan namanya saja. Dia tak lagi bernyawa. Padahal, dua bulan lagi mereka berencana melangsungkan pernikahan.

Itu adalah cerita yang aku dapat dari berita. Aku tak mengenal si lelaki ataupun si wanita. Sama sekali. Aku juga sudah banyak mendengar cerita-cerita yang hampir serupa. Seringnya bersimpati sebentar lalu sudah, aku akan dengan cepat lupa. Tapi entah kenapa, untuk Mbak dan Masnya ini, setelah lima bulan berlalu...aku masih selalu sedih kalo inget. Rasanya nyesek banget kalo inget. Aku tidak tau kenapa bisa begitu. Seperti...begitu nyata di kehidupanku. Ya, memang nyata, tapi kejadiannya kan pada circle yg sepertinya sangat jauh dariku. Kenapa aku bisa sesedih ini? Seperti aku sendiri yang kehilangan. Kehilangan yang teramat besar.

Aku tidak bisa membayangkan bagaimana perasaan wanita itu. Bagaimana ia menguatkan diri sedemikian rupa untuk bangkit dan merelakan. Akan butuh berapa lama? Dan bagaimana perasaan Ibu dari wanita mengetahui anaknya merasakan kehilangan yg demikian besar? Entahlah.... Aku hanya bisa mendoakan semoga Mbaknya dikuatkan oleh Allah, semoga diberi kemudahan untuk merelakan, dan semoga masnya husnul khotimah.

Dari situ aku menyadari, betapa kita nggak pernah tau berapa lama Tuhan memberi kita waktu untuk bersama orang-orang terkasih. Manfaatkan waktu sebaik-baiknya selagi masih ada. Just enjoy the moment, the present. Say something nice that you want to say, jangan ditunda. Katakan betapa bahagia dan bersyukurnya kamu mengenalnya. Karena sungguh, kita tak pernah tahu apa yang akan terjadi besok.

[hainuna]

Kelak akan terlalui juga. Seperti yang sudah-sudah, Tuhan akan menuntunmu.