hangingrice

[hangingrice]

0016 : betta

05022020 //

New obssessions.

I have very much been into the idea of replacing a betta fish named Pisces that I got from my ex last year. He died a few weeks after I had moved out for college, after a dog-related accident. I was very upset over this.

It’s been almost a year since then. I find myself searching up care guides for bettas and aquarium setups for them that include hydroponics. It would be a lovely thing to have.

I also finished another commission. I don’t exactly know where that new money is going to. I’ve been raving about bettas today and yesterday, but I’ve also been thinking about getting a bass guitar, which was something I had wanted even long before I got a guitar for Christmas in 2014.

This is an old guitar. I don’t think I’ll ever part with it.

[hangingrice]

0015 : back

05012020 //

I’m back. I took a break.

I’ve recently been trying to do a lot of self-reflection. It’s a good time to do such things, especially considering how I don’t really get to talk to a lot of people these days. More info in the upcoming days as more realizations dawn on me.

[hangingrice]

0014 : idle

04072020 //

I forgot to make an entry. Here’s one a day late.

Figuring things out.

I think I’ve just been wanting to avoid seeing my ex or showing my face to him. I projected that onto all my friends. Now, I can see I just really don’t want him to see me, and I’ve been trying to avoid him.

I kind of need to figure this out more. On what to do. My immediate option is to unfriend him so I can go back to playing that stupid game.

My other option is to talk to him. Just kidding. It’s not an option.

I just want him to not know I exist again. Things were good when things were like that.

[hangingrice]

0013 : away

04062020 // 

I kind of want to get away from playing a stupid game and talking to people again.

Nothing happened, I’ve just been overthinking, and I feel like I kind of need to get away from feeling bad from depending a lot of my emotional energy on people.

I’ll be back to being online in about a week or something. It’s not really a big deal. I’ll still play the stupid game, but I think I’m just going to avoid playing with the people I know and all that.

Ciao, internet. It’s time for something different.

[hangingrice]

0012 : moniker

04052020 //

I’ve been thinking about my name.

Today, very earlier today, my ex’s cousin had invited me to play in a match with him. My ex had also been in the party, and amused, he asked his cousin why I was in the party, playfully referring to me by my in-game tag as he did previously in a DM.

So lately, I’ve been kind of contemplating about it. My name, not my in-game name which is based off of my actual name.

Nobody from my hometown knows me by my name.

Not him, not any of my old batchmates, no one, just... no one. Maybe my one old friend from elementary, and two of my closest friends from my friend group, but otherwise... ?

I don’t know whether I should still keep it a secret. I’ll think about it more when it’s a bit more of a critical topic.

[hangingrice]

0011 : anticipation

04042020 //

A bit late again. It appears I have a condition in which I am unable to make any entries in the current day.

Played some games and caught up with more shows today.

I find it adorable that my ex’s cousin wants to play with me in this one stupid game we’ve been playing. It’s been cute and honestly pretty stress-relieving in these strange times.

Interestingly, I was in a pretty intense match with my best friends, a classmate, and my ex. Twice. I’m still pretty shaken up about it, to be frank. It’s kind of an understatement how thrilling it was.

[hangingrice]

0010 : times

04032020 //

Another late entry since I forgot to do it.

Today was an unproductive day. I didn’t feel bad about it, though.

I spent most of the day catching up on news, playing a stupid game, and watching some content from some of my favorite Youtubers. To be frank, I didn’t do a whole lot. I feel like I should have, but I just never ended up doing anything to the point where I just didn’t make it to continue my 10 day streak on Codecademy by just a few minutes since I was so shaken up about missing it that I couldn’t code right.

But that’s okay. Always plenty of time to make more streaks in the future.

[hangingrice]

0009 : familiarity

04022020 //

In times of discord, sometimes familiarity keeps us sane.

I’ve been talking to him for the most of today. For some reason, I can’t help but still keep my distance, despite all things seeming cordial and friendly. I don’t know why this is happening. My guard is up and I am fully aware that I have no reason to be afraid, yet here I am.

I hope I can get over this feeling soon.

He’s just another friend now.

And that’s more than I ever bargained for.

In the mean time, my country is in ruins. It’s time for something different.

[hangingrice]

0008 : fear

04012020 //

I missed this journal entry yesterday, so I’m doing it today.

Fear.

I am afraid of this country.

[hangingrice]

0007 : wisdom

03312020 //

Imagine learning in a straight path.

Where do I even begin with my frustration towards myself about this issue?

I don’t know how to learn. I don’t know how to study, I don’t know how to take in information, and I don’t know how to keep up. It feels liek the second that I grasp a concept, everybody else has taken 2 steps forward while I’d barely even lifted my foot.

It’s so depressing. I wish I could just get better at this and I know that I can, but I just wish for now I can be patient with myself as I try to learn better.

[hangingrice]

0006 : concern

03302020 //

I didn’t know what it felt like to stay up because of how deeply worried I was about someone.

Last night, I was tossing and turning for a long time, at times on the verge of tears, all in concern for my ex. I wondered to myself if he would get better, or if he was still bedridden with an ever-evolving illness. I’m sure my mom has been feeling the same way about me for years. I never really understood that because I had never been in the situation to worry about any of my family.

Growing up and learning these new parts of myself is fun. I like this. I like developing, and I really hope I can take more personal steps to learning how to... be a person. To feel these kinds of things, to be patient and have to control myself from doing anything drastic.

I didn’t talk to him for so long.

But now here I am, in the middle of a pandemic, and suddenly everyone isn’t as far as I thought they were.

[hangingrice]

0005 : outstretched

03292020 //

There’s something good about getting back into contact with people.

For a long time, almost a year, really, I’ve been running away from everyone I know. I’ve been running away from home, going out of my way to erase myself off this face of the earth. And, until a few days ago, I didn’t realize that I didn’t know why.

I was about to erase these people out from my life. I was about to change my name, escape who I was and whatever stupid thing I’ve done.

But, I don’t know why I’d do that now. After yesterday, I realized... I don’t have to.

Was I just running from him?

But either way, what happened before still happened. I don’t care about those things now. But I want to be independent. I want to be on my own, and I’m keeping my stand. That old me isn’t me anymore. And I’m going to stand by that. I’m Bee.

That makes me happy.

[hangingrice]

0004 : worry

03282020 //

My ex talked to me today.

After a very long time, he decided to privately message me and ask me how I’ve been doing. I did the same. We had a quick conversation over the span of about half an hour or so, and left it at that with short “take care”s and “stay safe”s.

My body did not take it well. I began to shake, to sweat, to feel like my chest was caving in and my heart was pumping in my throat. I didn’t know what was happening, and only after the whole thing was over did I realize my body was having a trauma response to the situation while my mind was collected enough to have a conversation.

I don’t know why that happened or why he decided to do it. But after all that, I feel better. Thanks, man. Hope we get to see each other soon.

[hangingrice]

0003 : friends

03272020 //

Getting my life back together slowly.

Let’s start with an obsession today. I have a newfound affinity for Tonton friends, and I will dedicate the rest of my life to them because what else can I do for these adorable little fucks?

Otherwise, it’s work as normal, and I’m glad I’m starting to feel a bit more safe. I recently reactivated my original Facebook account and got into contact with an old friend. I miss them. I really do. I wish I didn’t have to feel so anxious about them.

I think I’ll start working on getting a job tomorrow.

Updates soon. See you later.

[hangingrice]

0002 : slow

03262020 //

It’s a very long day for it to be 4 PM.

I should really start sleeping earlier. This isn’t getting me anywhere to keep sleeping at 3 AM and missing out on time in the morning because I end up oversleeping. Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

Today is going okay so far, though. I’m glad about that. That Popee the Performer binge-watch I had yesterday is really starting to set in, and I’m not quite sure how to feel about it. I don’t feel bad, though. I’m intrigued by it, and I continue to get invested into its bizarre world.

More updates soon. Back to coding.

[hangingrice]

0001 : lines

03252020 //

Lines of code and lines of shows.

Today, I got started on learning C++. It’s a very curious programming language, and I have a lot of questions for it, but I feel like I’m getting the hang of it somehow.

I’m also taking a lot of breaks. A lot. Very generously. Sometimes I feel like it’s too much, but I’m sitting here writing this and I feel a lot better than I did a few days ago and I think that’s really relieving.

Updates on my learning soon.

[hangingrice]

0000 : introductions

03242020 //

My name is Bee. I’m a 19-year-old-turning-20 college student in a big name university on an island.

So I’d never imagined that this is how I’d spend the second half of my first year in college.

Today marks about a week in total lock-down for the COVID-19 pandemic in what feels like a fallout shelter of an on-campus dormitory. About 34 students are left here with either no desires or no opportunities to go home, and I feel alone more than ever. The required social distancing was okay, but I feel like I’m beginning to lose my sense of time and structure. It’s like I used to feel like I had so much to do, but now that there’s no schedules, no lists, no activities, it just feels empty and honestly kind of lonely.

Unfortunately, “lonely” underestimates how I actually feel about the matter. I miss all my friends, and with them so busy and spending time with their families in the comfort of their homes, I feel like I have little to no one left to talk to or interact with. No matter what I do, it feels like everyone is so far away.

I shouldn’t complain. I know I really shouldn’t. I chose for my life to be like this. I deserted my home, left all my friends and family, and stayed in this big city. I don’t get to complain about that.

But I know I can say and admit that I feel so lonely. Lonely and afraid of what’s happening, and my anxiety spikes almost daily because of just how disconnected I feel from reality right now. And I just want to talk to someone. Talk to people.

It’s time to rest. See you tomorrow.