hanhan-22

[hanhan-22]

240719

I guess it didnt mattered , all that I felt miserable and lonely were just a miniscule of what i shall be upset about . Right how did I forgot who was I , how I was raised once born in an ill fated family there shall be no scape.

I dont want to be the selfish heartless bastard she only has me to listen to her thats all she had been doing since i was born just pouring her feelings on me cause she had no other friend or just feared so desperately that people see her not so perfect side and just prefered to dump it on me. Years and years of constant torture on my soul due to sin of being born as child of a narcissit, a bastard that enjoyed manipulating and ruling over his so called family only to become bold enough to point his finger back at the victoms and act as one left me with shattered soul with almost no pain no tear just an never ending sense of disgust about mankind everyone and everything. Thats what happens when you let predators rule over you they never get satisfied with crushing you ,with no fear no shame no guilt and once bored move on and justify whether you deserved or it had in some way benefited YOU ,almost like an animal if dont take it an insult for the animal.

Thats what happened to her , raised as a people pleaser with severe good girl syndrome , married in a pink bubble gum vision shattered by betrayal . Started over but never healed settled for sth she thought others wont snatch and ppl would assume as a good catch for her position , trapped in with a narcissit abuser which used her people pleasing and empathy as a tool to tame her into extreme abundment issues while she raised her children and they became her hope for future , their best friend and somebody on their team and a good excuse to never address this sick stockholm syndrome. Cynicall enough afterall she still uses her resources to keep it all together , she still asks me to be a pawn on the board game to continue this shit while i ask myself shouldnt i havr been protected yes she is miserable but shouldnt she left long before become so broken, shoulnt i deserved to know human emotions and actually feel them wasnt the little me deserved a bit more childhood before numbing my feelings and use hatred as a driven force to escape.

Dont get me wrong i dont blame her the real demon real out of human the piece of good for nothing shit and bastard is my father , the only thing i blsme her is that she didnt see the worst coming thinking garbage has potential and didnt left early before us get damaged this bad.

And i wake up everyday asking what is wrong with me , why there is no will to live or actually more curious on how others are so driven and earnest for life. How should i thrive higher with this altered brain designed to survive misery. What i want while never fully familiarized with simple emotional clues related to choice freedome or happiness. Complex ptsd they say, one shall never actually heal from it but rather with lots of practice gets very skilled at managing it properly in order to live a normal life . Normal well true havent achieved it since the scape , fear of losing fear of getting back fear of not deserving what achieved loneliness and then losing the sense of living time place and even pain .

I feel bad for her i may not care to continue or not but she does want to live, yes she is using me and damaging me too but at least it is done without meaning it unlike the abuser which caused the cptsd of 25 years. Therefore i need to survive once more become better becoming more i dont know how and i fear i wont be capable but as always no one cares what i fear or feel so i shall adopt and suvive.

[hanhan-22]

240611

After all I guess it wasnt all your fault , i didnt like how you treated me but also didnt like how i was around you.

I didnt like myself and couldnt believe how you could so every moment beside you i was looking for a reason, seeking validation despedate to hear I am beautiful I am unique I am special which made me hate myself more ; resenting the desperate weak me who wanted to be accepted and loved by you .

Its over for good but I am sorry if i could love me how you did maybe we could have something.

[hanhan-22]

240606

In my second year of bachelor I met a girl that just had transferred from an unknown university, she knew absolouteky nothing, i tried to help her but at some point I ran out of patience and bluntly asked are you stupid or what as it seem ridiculous that she knew nothing and was so slow to learn too.

Yesterday I presented my progress report , no one told me anything but I could see it myself I am her , I know nothing what am I doing what should I do what is this all about , i dont know a single thing and I am extremely late to learn, a total stupid ,wishful enough to dream about a sole to show up and enlighten me about all of this. I guess thats life it goes round and round till everyone get their share of judgment.

[hanhan-22]

240605

I am a night person, a total night owl; many say because they are more creative at night, it might be the case for me too; recently I read an article about the focused and diffused mode of the brain, basically, when we are relaxed we reach the edge of auto mode the part of our brain that does most of the complex stuff without us thinking about it and then it hit me; I am more relaxed at nights, why? why do I, who loves sunlight force myself to stay up all night, cause I want to hide cause I want to avoid people, I hate myself so much that somehow I believe that everyone does so or will so; thus I just want to hide, shut down and continue to exist when they are sleep, busy or occupied in probable occasions to ignore me . it is pathetic isn't it, but that's me now, desperate and scared and alone .

[hanhan-22]

240110

I'm sad and feel betrayed I am a girl and knew ppl were gonna pity me for my choices I knew what I was giving up when I chose to study and prioritize my career over starting a family

It was kind of the easiest choice growing up with an emotionally absent father and being forced to become your mom's companion cause she was a victim and lonely on top of that

Like am I gonna trust anyone, especially a guy to bring happiness to my life, not after whatever I saw guys in my life bring to their wives all my life

I admit at some point I got even praised for it too, like when you are a teen and ppl are like oh wish my daughter was wise You investing more in college entrance exam than this boy in his class and suddenly I am twenty-something very unsure how am I gonna fund my Ph.D. and everyone think god she is miserable without a man in her life

Am I thought, hell no I am miserable because of tuition or the pasta I am too lazy to warm up

But it gets to be sad when my mom starts to advise me on dating and how lucky I am to have standards a bit too suspiciously only to find out that the little girl I was getting compared to all along is getting married to a rich family and she is hiding it from me as if she expect me to get sad over

Like hell, do you mean that you think she has accomplished more and feel pitty for me deep down, after all that happened to you still think that a rich husband is worth more than my hard-earned independence

I won't start with how weird I find the concept of love is probably a trauma response but damn it hurts when ppl dear to me pity and judge me as if they don't know me still thinking a man's presence is a crown to wear.

I don't hate men I hate the narrator treating men above my personality using petty things like marriage; I am sad about how my mom betrayed me without even realizing it.

Nevertheless, I will continue to be me, I will still put my time and effort into something that can not wake up one day and decide does not belong to me, I will proudly provide for myself and follow my dreams considering how now I am completely aware that is gonna be harder since everyone opposes me and how I want to live in peace by myself.

[hanhan-22]

231215

I thought about canceling my flight back home

Better to say burning all the bridges back, there was only one last straw and even that is not there anymore

I don't want to go back I don't, I rather die instead, and funny enough that the only reason I would want to be back is to die

If nothing works out then I need someone to find the body to remember me and then I need to go back home, the home that would be wrecked after I was gone

So that was my last straw, after I am gone who cares if the body ever is found, I can't afford the fancy of worry about that.

And at the end I couldn't, just like always, like the coward I am, wondering would I ever be tired enough to pull that trigger.

[hanhan-22]

231214

Are you willing to die for somebody? Worst I am willing to live for someone, it is much more painful and long

When you live for your dearest, your life is a constant examination, am I necessary enough or their lives would go as if nothing changed if I suddenly became invisible and nonexistent?

Anyway I was planning to live peacefully and silently in a corner of the world so why waste time when can cut it short and save yourself from suffering

Or am I extra weight on their shoulders, extra to worry about extra to take care extra to sacrifice, just extra; then again it is glass clear why it shall be saved from complexity even extra characters in the background of the scene are just too much.

You wake up every day with pain in your heart and numbed hazy feelings in your mind and the salvations are those moments of state of conscience, sleep if you can get any, and suffering

When your body feels weak since you haven't eaten for 18 hours when your heart beats so loud that you need to throw punches at it when you should slap your face to get your wobbly lychy feet off of the bed to be present in your life just enough to not be a burden, not invisible, to live and the answer to the question that ling had become a mystery "what for", for them.

[hanhan-22]

231210

I used to wonder will I ever settle and answer myself

Yes when the right date comes

I then learned that I am tough and that it is hard to love me cause I will push you back when it gets overwhelming and that happens often cause I am smart enough to go through everything once in my head before letting it happen and see what it brings

Then I thought what would I settle for

Maybe a Romeo, like that's my type cause never mattered how wealthy or good-looking or smart somebody was I was looking for sth I couldn't bring to the table in my life and that was the love since I was so paralyzed to love myself.

But thinking about it now I know that I want someone to be more mentally stable and capable, someone who knows themself and is true to it, someone who knows whether they like me or not and does not want to explore it or doubt it someone that I can respect and lean in to, worth the sacrifices and compromises I will do for us and the family

Now i know what i settle for is maturity stability and love.

[hanhan-22]

231007

I liked you but I never admitted even secretly to myself, because liking you hurt more than you not being by my side

I know I like you cause I had vivid moments of thinking how would it be if you were waiting at my door, moments I wanted to look prettier just so you would peak at me, the moments I hoped you slide in my Dms when you were suffering and needed a shoulder to cry

I liked you but I hated how much liking you made me feel belittled

you know there were moments when you could have helped me I hinted it pretty obvious, you never initiated while friends who had no interest in me offered their hand, the fact that I felt I needed to be more, prettier, wiser, funnier so that maybe you compensate me more is sick and ironic enough you never did; I never felt cared nor protected with you, quite the contradiction, cause you cycled ahead, you walked ahead, you took interest into other. I still liked you because I believed you when you said you did, I never admitted but I believed you on my birthday night when you confessed.

as much as I hated how miserable you made me feel I liked you.

Yes, I was hard but you never tried hard enough.

I don't need any revenge, that was what I realized as I was staring at my hands, I do not need to pray to God that someday you regret it; anytime your new girl paints her nails pretty you would hate it cause it reminds you of my hand which you couldn't hold, anytime you pass by the bridge you will remember all the times you changed your way just to pass my ally, anytime you see a curly girl passing by you will remember how I tied it up while you wish I didn't, anytime your daughter dances by the beach you will recall the moment you fell in love with me.

You wanted to be the main character in our story, but I got hurt in the middle and your fragile ego forgot to notice; I was the unseen character that stole the show, just like Rebecca it doesn't matter that I am gone I will still haunt your happiness as a property of mine.

No, I don't need revenge, I was a dream you could never embrace, you followed and followed but never reached, just like a mirage in the middle of dessert that slowly made you a madman.

[hanhan-22]

230723

My cousin called today she rambled for hours about how much she feels bad that we drift apart, that she is scared and lonely

In the end, I couldn't get myself to tell her that she always used me as an emotional dumpster and consoled her while she dumped her emotions on me once more

Throughout her talk, she mentioned something that caught my attention while she always thought she is one step ahead of me in getting into a better university or having a love life she got startled when I did the things she only dreamed of, and that made her feel I don't simply care about her anymore and I couldn't stop myself to overthink whether it is the case for all people my life while I have moved on people feel they are too much and I could get them but god knows I tried my best while they didn't care; at some point they made an image of me which is living the best life and probably had nothing to worry so they didn't even bother to ask how am I doing

I encountered a quote later don't put all your eggs in one basket cause if you lose you lose everything and it made perfect sense why I am in the position I am today

Scared to death to endanger my academic achievements and lonely as fuck well as realized hurt but also comes with a manual on how to fix it if I survive now and here I need to come up with a more comprehend plan to invest in who and where.

[hanhan-22]

230620

I saw a bird today, trapped in the hallway desperately flying low near the window, I just decided to help and slowly came closer trying to open the window, the bird fleed in terror of my presence to another window just to find it closed, then it was me and this injured little bird on the floor of the hallway.

I understand, that must have been horrifying when this unknown creature comes near, not knowing their intentions;you just need to follow your guts even if it means fleeing into another closed door.

I felt the same way when my best friend asked me to be more than friends, in the moment I reminisced all the times everyone mentioned his true intentions and I ignored justifying otherwise, I must admit I wasn't suprised but I was hella scared.

I was scared of all the things I know he is capable of cause I knew him too well, and all the things he can do cause he knows me too well either.

I never wanted him more than friends, I never wanted him to have an active role in my life, call me selfish I didn't even want him to have a saying rather than suggestions once in a while; as much as he thought about ways to lift the barriers of distance between us I wanted to make my grip tighter making sure he fails, I indeed don't want anything more than what we already are.

Maybe I don't want our friendship to vanish in thin air after all these years but I must admit I am willing to purposefully abandon it if he forces more on me.

Suddenly I saw myself as the little bird, he might not have any bad intentions, he might be true and care for me but I rather escape even if the destination is a dead end.

[hanhan-22]

230530

Never understood crushs , I mean I misunderstood the definition too since I never had one , I thought it means you like someone but from afar. Nope that was not it .

It means you see your standards walking in front of you , you see that you want something like that but it might not be avtually them ; you dont like them for who they are to be fair you dont even know them to that extent you just like what they represent

They are tall, not slim not built, their hands remind you of your late grandfather hands , you like their tan skin even they are insecure about and your mind lingers on the times you have quality conversations over matching ideas. You dont even think about the ideals you usually consider for a partner you just like how they represent very detail you like.

Thats just it you dont like them from afar , you just like what they represent which is not even the whole of them , actually feel really bad be in this ill relation , to be liked not over who you are and admiring someone because of your selfish stupid reasons.

Now I know it and dont want it near me indeed.

[hanhan-22]

230526

It is ridiculous; after all, I did to escape, after all those sweats and tears; I migrated just to die back home.

I did my all so that I can call somewhere home, and I did, it did felt more home than ever home could have been, even in the chase of a better place where I could get treated right, it still felt like home. 

Ridiculously enough, suddenly when it is time to die, home feels like the place you should be; almost like a dream you begged to have, and it was indeed a good dream how sarcastic that you can't die in it, you must wake up prior to it knowing too well  the fact that dream is over will take your life more brutality than Grimm reaper.

[hanhan-22]

230515

My world is crumbling it is true when they say the higher you thrive, the stronger you would fall.

I can't believe things escalated this quickly, can believe whatever I built hard, kept together with all my might, was this fragile this much out of my hand, dependent that could have been shattered with a single inclination coming not even my side.

And here I am falling alone, scared, willing to grasp anything, in the hope to slow down or reverse this vicious decline of my fate.

Am I doomed, was I bound to fail from the start?

I don't know, I just find it sarcastic that I am falling, and even if I scream no one would hear.

[hanhan-22]

230510

We never crossed paths, me and love

I never fell in love, no one ever fell for me

I couldn't understand its magic, or why ppl are obsessed with it until I did, just yesterday.

I could have tasted the happiness I would experience if he hold my hands, if I could touch his face and bury mine in his embrace considering the awful day I had, the awful days that had passed, and the awful days that I am expecting, while he mindlessly stared in my eyes drowned in his thoughts, I could have sensed the confidence and reassurance I would have got if it was genuine, out of interest, although temporarily, although superficial, I could have predicted how I would feel.

It is not that I like him, no don't get me wrong I just saw how I could have used love to give myself a break from my troublesome life, dulling my logic with a periodical sense of safety and comfort, maybe a reminisce of my mother hugs from my childhood.

I saw why ppl chase love, still won't consider crossing paths but happened to by-stand it.

[hanhan-22]

230320

You ask me why I dont accept your love

Cause I dont like me and you dont make it any better

You make me feel I am not deserved of what you dont compensate me

Why should I know that you like coffee but you have no idea of my favourite drink

Why should I recongnize your new pair of sneakers but you have no clue of my new pair of glasses

Why I acknowledge you styling your hair while you never said to me I look good

Why I shall look your direction while you are busy giving your attention to others

Why I shall hear about people texting you but you never get jealouse of other men around me

Why I know the perfect gift for you but you never bothered offering to buy me even a bottle of water

Why I shall be there when you dont want to be alone but you dont help me with what you can

Why I shall care about timing ,jusy to not hurt your feelings and you mess with mine anytime you feel like

Why I care that I hurt you and sit by the river hope you reach me

Why you think you like me

Cause you miss me or want to lean on me or hug me when you say goodbye, thats not having feelings,you are just lonely

Why I dont believe your feelings cause if I do accept that we are more than friends I need to look for the answer of all those questions

Cause it would make me feel I was not worthy of it, cause then I would pitty me

You say you have a crush on me, that you like me , dont joke around you want me cause I am your "manic pixie dream girl" and you need me to be the protoganist.

In the end I reply to your "are we okay"with a smiley emoji and "we are still friends".

[hanhan-22]

230310

It hurts, it hurts like a bitch when the reason for you giving up on your life is putting the blame on you as if you are the antihero; if ironically I had thirteen reasons he would be the main, he caused wounds which never heal made me the human I am and I see him when I look at me in the mirror; I don't know which is more devastating the fact that I have one year to live or the fact that he can still hurt me as if all these years and efforts to escape him had meant nothing.

My father the cause of me being a monster, a loser, and a hyper-independent doll with ice for the heart is my 13 reason. 

My heart is shattered and the scars I have will leave with me when I am gone I wish he learn what he did but sarcastically I can hear him blaming me for deserving nothing more.