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back on tumblr and you know what that means! welcome to modern loneliness! i feel so sad when im home and theres so much i want to fix but i also feel like im the best version of myself. thinking how i was so oblivious to loneliness and how much time i’d actually spend alone after graduating. its such an isolating feeling to be alone and when i actually think about it, i become really in love with myself bc ive become my own best girlfriend and im so kind and sweet and gentle to myself and we’re both being 19 together. i think all of us were completely oblivious to this feeling and not prepared to feel sadness while also being isolated so you really arent able to talk to anyone. but thinking back to high school, i was so understimulated in the areas i needed to be pushed. i didn’t need to wake up everyday at 6 am, rather i needed to figure out how to say no once youve hung out with someone too many days in a row or even making sure you get out of bed bc sometimes thats hard. im so precious and the girls in my life are equally as precious. i wish i saw myself how i see my friends: gentle, kind, and deserving of the sweetest love. i dont know at what point i started tolerating anything less than precious, sweet, gentle love but it breaks my heart that i allowed boys into my life to do that. ive given too much time to boys that treated me like i was disposable! and it doesn’t help that i cling on so quickly to their feelings of warmth and belonging. i like corrin so much and he treats me like im the most precious angel on earth but i dont know why he wouldnt want to be serious with me. or even introduce me to his family or sisters. i want to get closer to him so badly but i dont want to overstep where i dont belong. brian was talking about how, at some point, you realize that youre going to be around a lot longer than what was planned and, yes, im feeling that, but also i know hes driven differently. it is a little bit of a mindfuck to think you’re not enough for a serious relationship but i know he has a lot on his plate right now and this isn’t on his top priority list. i hate thinking that everyone is going to leave me and my abandonment issues ruin so many of my relationships and complicate them so much. with corrin, ive realized that my past relationships were not relationships in which i was in love, despite me saying it. i dont know if i love him but i do know that feeling loved and valued is so much more than what ive experienced in the past! i dont know if this is love or if this is the treatment and respect and thoughtfulness i should be worthy of but this is so different than anything ive ever had before. i like him so goddamn much and he makes me feel so valued. he thinks about me so often and asks me if im okay; he makes sure im fed; he rolls the windows down in the car; he makes sure my friends are okay. he is the kindest, most gentle boy ive ever had in my life. im excited to go back to college station and be alone in my apartment again bc i love nights with myself. i know i can show myself so much love when im there. my parents make me feel loved but i know i can grow into the woman im reaching to become while im here. i also need to stop being so sad here. this used to be such a safe haven for me and i dont know at what point it stopped being that.
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Get to know me: Favorite film :: 「 SPIRITED AWAY 」
Once you meet someone, you never really forget them. It just takes a while for your memory to come back to you.
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Nickie Zimov (Russian, b. 1995, based Saint-Petersburg, Russia) - 1: The Scene 2: Darkest of Nights 3: Double 4: The Scorpio 5: Sunspots 6: Katzie 7: The End of the Line 8: Final Curtain Call 9: Nude 10: Truth Paintings: Oil on Paper Saatchi
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