happy-path

[happy-path]

03/02/2022 Something I wanted to say but forgot

I know for sure when anxiety hits. It’s when I start feeling the worst about myself, or about folks that I work with. Yet if it was a better day, I know they are part of my tribe. I have a tale of two me’s when I’m anxious. I know It’s not gonna be my week.

Coming off from a high and celebration of my recent wins at work, I am reeling from the overworked soulless nature of my role in tech. Although my challenges now are more interesting and less boring - it came with a price. What comes with working with smart folks, is learning how to self-advocate for boundaries. None of it has worked, as I’m still feeling like I’m close to crashing any day now. What it feels like? I show up for everyone at my 100%, and afterwards, I spend hours sitting in the quiet of my disgruntled self. 

I may be disgusted about the unfair dynamics of all things - I hate everyone at the moment. And that’s with the security of me knowing this is my circle of trust. Most days, I wanna beat the system and get into questioning processes, but I’m too beat-up, the system is eating me alive. I also happen to run a nonprofit startup on top of it all. I was spent.

It doesn’t help my socially supplied energy, that interacting with actual humans IRL is now removed from my daily routine. What with the consequence of remote work where we now have access to anyone as if they are a 24/hour convenience store, vice versa.

There are always many casualties to an unhealthy mind. Words said that you couldn’t take back, showing up at my worst low-energy vibe, multitasked-mind with no focus. The list goes on.

I spiral even more thinking about this faux-world we all have opted in for the sake of convenience, productivity to strive for that quality of life we all shoot for prior to accepting that this is what I dreamed about 5 years ago. It might as well make sense.

Anyhoo, back to my anxiety-driven week. 

My feeling so down, I cant put my finger on the “why” of how this mind works. I doubt myself plenty. I could think about quitting 100% of the time. Rage-typing by way of Carrie Bradshaw where the camera finds me zooming in on a tree-branched frame of a window, in small town Connecticut. 

I feel so ugly inside, I go through quick generalizations of self-sabotage, and this unhealthiness translates to those close to me, those who typically have access to me, I also end up criticizing - no holds bar - myself, why I’m here and what’s next.

I wonder most days if my husband got us a dog for emotional support during the pandemic. My dog, which I had lovingly named Yoko, with not much thought put into planning as to why, she in her adorable quirks, has saved me many times more than I can count. She is that visible reminder of why life is meant to be simple, and play is all you need before anything else. There’s something about those little moments for sure that makes me forget matters of consequence.

I am going with stream of consciousness writing here. I wanna call out the naysayers in my brain that tell me, why is it that I feel so disrespected at work, when I have made such great strides from my last week’s joyful evaluation with my manager? That got so serious so fast, but I think I get very competitive when I’m anxious - I gaslight myself as not being worthy of the good that come my way, and often feel like my being me, isn’t enough.

I wonder how, if this relates back to inviting discomfort to your life and managing that? A quote from Peloton fitness guru, Robin Arzon, where she speaks about inviting discomfort to your life as an art. 

Anxiety after all, sheds this discomforting notion of truth, so uncanny and seemingly familiar, but not real enough for me to claim as my truth.

[happy-path]

10.31.2021 A Writer’s Diary

It’s a halloween night of all nights. I’ve broken through my writer’s block. As I was waiting to hand out candies, I got a text from a friend who snapped a pic of a book that I’d recommended to her: “Hood Feminism” by Mikki Kendall. I don’t even remember seeing this book physically myself. For many years I’ve only listened to books - in the car while driving, while working on my laptop, or on my iPad, as a way to lull me to sleep. It was the only way I could do it. My friend asked me why I loved this book. What stuck to me was this - If women experienced food insecurity, women often becomes the demographic that gets hit the worst. The tone was introspective of personal encounters yet pinned relevant research to solidify the message. 

So ecstatic for my friend to be able to pick this book up.

I was on my 25th loot bag to hand out, got up to grab the nearest book, (A Writer’s Diary by Virginia Woolf) then spinned up this blog. Seems I’m right on track.