happyhippystuff

[happyhippystuff]

i don’t have to wait for big moments to feel good

in therapy, we explored why i didn’t want the bf to study overseas. during session, i guess the only reason i could come out with was, because then i will feel shitty. i always feel less shitty/ empty when i am with the bf, bc when i am with him, i know i am girlfriend, i am loved and i am accepted. 

and i realised, sometimes when i leave the bf, i feel a sense of emptiness. usually, when i part with the bf, it would be night and i don’t have that much free time to ~feel~. somedays, i feel ~~~~ but i will just sleep it away. today, the bf went to church in the afternoon, while i headed for the gym. after that, i wandered around bugis and i started to feel ~~~ until i saw the bf text. and it was like a re-assurance that.... hey he is still there. 

i am scared that if the bf studies overseas, he will start to feel more and more unreal but i think, we just need to put measures in place and i will also find things to occupy myself me. maybe i will miss his hugs and having my hands held, and to be (physically) sayang-ed. but i think i’ll be okay. 

i will be okay - i just HOPEEEEE and PRAYYYYY that the offer will come in soon because i know the bf has been anxious over it, and i also want, to be able to concretise things. it causes me more anxiety NOT knowing haha :( and tbh, i do want the bf to go overseas because it would mean i get to visit aus, which i rly rly rly rly miss and adore :’) 

while it is scary, it is exciting to be taking small steps towards our future. and i know this is a step towards building what we want in future. 

[happyhippystuff]

me: *says the vaguest most incoherent shit ever*

me: you know what i mean :/

[happyhippystuff]

i thought life was getting better, or i thought i was getting better. after all, in my last therapy session, i had nothing that i wanted to address and S also said, i seemed better -

S said he wanted to acknowledge and recognise my progress, regardless of how small it is. that even though i did feel empty, i did not cut, or get drunk, like before. i said, but it is not as intense.

so we went on to work on the ~emptiness~ scale, and also what i would do at the different levels. i think he was part trying to get me to identify my triggers, and also... understanding my own thought process. we worked on my performance anxiety at work, identified my lack of identity (no surprise) as a core cause of many things, and to work on the voice of my ~kinder~ mind. he also mentioned, that i keep invalidating myself - whenever i say sth, i will add a "but..." - which i didn't realise, but now that he pointed it out, that is actually very true. another thing to work on, is also on validation. which i realised, it is something i consciously do at work to my clients, but not on myself.

anyhow it does sound like things are getting better, right? BUT NO. today was just UGH - i think sometimes it just comes and flips everything around. with a core part of this disorder being shame, it makes it even harder to ~reach out~, and it makes me just wna die.

at therapy, i said that i can't die because i have responsibilities. but right now, i just feel like fuck it, i am a horrible person already so who cares if i am irresponsible. i can't get any worse, anyway.

"In Greek mythology, there’s a story which serves as an allegory of what Borderline Personality Disorder actually feels like. King Tantalus is sent to blackest dungeon of hell for testing the Gods, and made to stand in a pool of ever rescinding water. Above him hang luscious fruit boughs just out of reach. Always hungry, ever thirsty, he cannot get what he needs."

i think that really sums up emptiness - he cannot get what he needs

[happyhippystuff]

yesterday, i had a conversation with the boyfriend. it started off with a simple yah i rmb cuz you said the only person you love more than yourself is your brother and we went on to list people whom we would be willing to sacrifice ourselves for. 

my first thought was everyone, because i am worth nothing. because everyone deserves to live more than me. but, i think the bf made me realise how self-centred that is - what about the people who love me. just because i didn’t love myself/ don’t see worth, that doesn’t mean other people too. and should i just offer myself as a sacrifice so easily, then... what about the other people? am i rly just an island on my own? 

i think it struck hard because then the bf was like do you even love me? and it made me think - is love really just about what i can do for someone else? i think i’ve always pegged love as doing - what i can do for the bf, what i can do for my friends, and what i can do for my family. but i forget that sometimes, love is in the being - people can love that i am... idk, sometimes ridiculously blur or unpredictable or idk me. even if, one day i were to be handicapped and unable to do anything for them, they can still love me. 

i think this is progress, because... while it is a second thought, i retrieved my yah i will sacrifice myself for everyone - maybe one day, i’ll start to rly see that i am deserving and worthy of love, of being loved and to love. 

[happyhippystuff]

recently, i’ve been learning to have hard conversations with the bf. it is, hard. but i guess after every conversation, i feel more empowered, in that, i realise hey it is not as bad as what i thought although at the back of my mind, a part of me wonders, does he think i am demanding/ needy/ unreasonable now? but i am learning that, what i want, matters too. and love is not always about learning to fulfil the needs of others, but also your own. and what i feel matters. 

there’s a difference between being direct and being inconsiderate/ insensitive. there’s a difference between compromising and settling. there’s a difference between, being loved, feeling loved and accepting loved. the world isn’t just black and white. 

i think its hard, to feel like i deserve good because i’ve been brought up in an environment of constant invalidation and subtle you are not good enough. i think i’ve never felt that i had to care about all these because i don’t form close r/s. i used to pride myself with independence but really, its because i didn’t know or want to accept others into my life. 

many many things to work but anyhow. thankful for friends who care, advice and encourage me. 

[happyhippystuff]

[happyhippystuff]

it’s been...... interesting. 

over the past 2 months, i think i’ve had more tough conversations with the bf than i’ve had over the past year plus together with him. sometimes, it scares me because i feel like i am alw walking on eggshells, not knowing when i would push the button and he will leave. the therapist told me that, i needed to trust the bf more, and he told me that i love the bf which, took me by surprise because i always feel like i don’t know how to love and what is love. 

i think my natural inclination is to just escape bc it is always easier to have my reality lined up with my schema. it is always easier to slide back into comfort, but that would also mean, never discovering a better version of me, or of life. it would also mean cheating myself of whatever that could have been possible. idk some days i feel like i am ready to be a new me, but other days, i just want to rest because i am so tired from the war in my head. 

it helps though, being more open with my struggles, and giving myself (or trying to) the permission to be a certain way and to accept. it doesn’t come easy, and it is a conscious effort. not gna lie that i still look outside for validation, a lot, but i am working on it. i am working on acknowledging how i feel as it is, and that all emotions serve a function. one thing i realised is, i tend to ask if it is normal to feel a certain way or am i overreacting just because i am so used to being invalidated/ dismissed/ rejected, i don’t know how to feel anymore. 

anyhow, therapy has been good. sometimes, its not about knowing more things, but its just nice to be validated and to be heard. to know that okay maybe its not all my fault or just learning new skills. i’ve also been looking/reading up on DBT skills and trying to apply them in my daily life, because practice makes perfect right? 

and also, my diet and sleep has been a mess. i wake up tired as heck, and when i am tired, i just binge a lot. and when i binge, i feel awful about myself and unworthy and disgusted which often triggers a SH episode. then i will try to mitigate by restricting but it will backfire and i get doubly upset because now its like..... i am OUT OF CONTROL + i’ve just rly been physically TIRED so i haven’t been working out. tbh, idk what causes what - i am tired bc i didn’t workout, or i don’t workout bc i am tired. anyhow, i certainly need to do sth about my diet, in a healthy, loving and regulated way. which idk how, but i guess, focus on one change at a time. so maybe for a start, i will focus on eating 3 proper meals with no tricks up my sleeve v_v 

and be patient. patient. 

[happyhippystuff]

i wasn’t actively suicidal, but when i went to bed each night, i begged to a power greater than myself not to wake up

the therapist asked, how did i feel about my diagnosis, and - 

idk in a way, i am relieved because i had an answer. i had something tangible that described everything i felt, did and acted. but on the other hand, i often question, is it real or am i making it up.

but for now, i will own the diagnosis - at least now i know what i am fighting against

[happyhippystuff]

can’t help but feel like everyone hates me - 

that my clients hate me for changing our meeting date, that my supervisor hates me for messaging her on her off day, that my colleagues hate me for asking stupid questions - 

and ahhhh 

it’s like my brain completely bypasses that cognitive process of “maybe your colleagues are busy that’s why they haven’t replied you” or “maybe your client just wants to plan his schedule” or just “if they hate you, they will tell you” 

v_v

ig: jonmichaelfrank

[happyhippystuff]

i haven’t had a ~meltdown~ in awhile, but again, i have a very bad concept of time haha. but in my impression, life has been relatively stable. except that recently, there has been more frequent bouts of emptiness particularly at night. i think emptiness has always, and will always be there, and it just need to be tolerated. after all, it is not untrue that it is my response to emptiness that is distressing. 

anyhow, for reason unbeknownst to me, i thought it was a good idea to stop medication. partly because i was sick of feeling the same and secondly, meds was causing me to get rly poor quality sleep. so it started with forgetting, and then it became a conscious decision. initially, i felt fine, in whatever way it could be interpreted. then came the headache + nausea + tiredness, very much like when i first started taking the meds. on tuesday morning, i had a breakfast binge, which hasn’t happened in a long time. and it made me respond very extremely. but i guess, it was this over the top response that made me realise that okay, meds do help. they don’t make me feel better, i don’t think that’s their job, but they cushion the impact of things. 

sigh i feel like there’s always shame and guilt that comes with every ~meltdown~ and now!!! i think the bf hates me, and i should run away from him to save him from having to deal with my madness *_* or maybe i am just scared that one day, he’ll be so done with this shit aka me. this is so bpd ugh. but i guess, seeing how S and A have such stable r/s now gives me hope that things can be worked out. i have seen how turbulent their r/s were, and how stable it is now. sometimes, idk if it is because i don’t trust that the bf, or me. probably the latter - i don’t trust that i am good enough for the bf to stay. again, no point worrying about things that have yet to happen. 

TLDR: take your meds. 

also, i decided to go SHOPPING because i have put it off for the longest time and shopping is alw stressful and triggering :( i rly hate seeing myself in the mirror and !!!!!! sigh but i m q proud of me bc i decided to just choose clothes that fit + make me feel good + not be so affected by the size. 

i will work hard for the body i want so i can wear pretty clothes (!!!!) 

[happyhippystuff]

how to explain that i can feel this gaping void inside of me just growing and growing and growing and soon it will swallow me whole

[happyhippystuff]

[happyhippystuff]

just (really random) things that i would like to remember:

- I always look at the lives of other people, and I yearn to be them. More specifically, the lives of my friends in Australia. I always wish to be back, but the bf has taught me to be present - I asked if he missed aus, and he said, not often bc he always try to be present and make the best of the now - which I realised I don’t, and I am trying to consciously remind myself - to be present.

- this leads on from the previous point which is.... I realised that I am always trying to fast forward whatever season I am in. Maybe because it’s not the most ideal, or simply, I’m just not enjoying it. But this keeps me from learning the lessons that God has for me, and it will probably keep me stuck here for even longer. Gradually, i just choose to settle because that’s what is comfortable. I’m afraid that one day, I will settle for what is less than ideal. Altho many times you wouldn’t rly know but I think one of my greatest fear is to come to the end of my life and feel like I’ve settled.

- I am starting therapy in one month, and I thought it’s important to just write down my initial (??) thoughts before I forget/ maybe it could be points of discussion with my psych. Honestly, I don’t know what I am seeing him for and also because I am terrible at articulating my emotions. I guess that could be a starting point - emotional regulation. But also, I want to try and be as honest as I can. Because I am sooooo wired to only show my best (or what I think people will like). Anyway, I think I was feeling a lot of apprehension because of his gender, race (terrible me, I know) and his area of specialisation, which made me question if he would be a right fit. Altho admittedly, one of his area of specialisation is ED, which I am quite keen to work on - not that I struggle intensely with it, but I do believe there are a lot of underlying issues to be dealt with, be that a cause or a symptom. Ahhh, I am trying to normalise therapy, to myself HAHAHA so I am trying to be as neutral as possible. Perhaps this will also give me insight into whether it will (still) be a future career consideration hahaha.

[happyhippystuff]

Communicate. Even when it's uncomfortable or uneasy. One of the best ways to heal, is simply getting everything out.

— Unknown

[happyhippystuff]

You never know how long your words will stay in someone's mind even long after you've forgotten you spoke them.

— Unknown

[happyhippystuff]

[happyhippystuff]

Went for a hike (Idek if you call that a hike) or maybe, a walk at Punggol over the National Day weekend. Had brunch at whisk & paddle and it was soOoOoO crowded. The food took awhile to come but at least we got a seat pretty quick. Also, saw otters for the first time!!! And took the LRT hahaha. Hmm, also prior to that, I was thinking if the bf and I have been getting too comfortable in our r/s - not that it’s a bad thing, but also, i think it is important to not fall into routine. And I thought the hike was a lovely change from our usual nua :-)

Celebrated our 500 days!!! HAHA okay truth: I just felt like celebrating sth, so this made for a good excuse. i made sushi donuts, gyu don and unagi tamagoyaki. i think i rly do enjoy cooking + trying new things, but many times, the thought of having to eat it deters me bc i actually know what goes in haha + being afraid that it will be horrible - i am almost always convinced that my food will turn out horrible, even when people tell me it isn’t, a part of me still feels like they r just being polite. 

met nell for lunch and i am/ will always be thankful for a r/s like that, where we have (probably) seen each other at our worst HAHA and i can be..... me and also, openly talk about mental health knowing that to a certain degree, she will be able to understand. 

also had my psych appointment - the first time I sat in the waiting room, I thought “everyone looks normal”. Fourth time and I still think the same HAHA idk how I expect people with mental health issues to look?? And I still fumble saying psychological clinic and I always wonder, if people will think like I do - why is she here/ what’s wrong with her/ she looks so normal. Anw, a part of me left the appt feeling like this is my fault ???? and idk - fixed an appt for therapy so I hope/ pray that it will be helpful.

Met val for dinner to catch up on life which was nice. Learning to make more of an effort to maintain relationships in my life (!!!!!!). Even if I know that it’s a low maintenance friendship, I think I need to learn how to not take that for granted and still put in effort :-)