happynowidiot-blog-blog

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

I never even went over my birthday. It was fun for the most part. There were a few unforeseen circumstances but it worked out. Jules has officially come back into our lives. He came and hung out with us while we got ready that night and then ended up sleeping on the couch. Other George even stopped by for a bit which was a bit unexpected but wonderful. I adore him. George ended up not being able to make it. I’d talked to him the week before and he said he wasn’t sure yet and he had legit reasons which somehow made it worse if only because it meant I couldn’t be mad at him. Penny called him on my actual birthday and he said the chances were slim to none so at least I didn’t get my hopes up.

The day after my birthday party, Shahida went to go visit her brother so Penny and I (as usual) got shitfaced and made bad decisions. SUCH bad decisions. We were so, so hung over that Sunday. Myles called us and made us go see Tangled with his little sister Grace that morning and we almost died. Grace is seven, though, and so damn adorable. She has Myles wrapped around her little finger. The cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life was when he picked her up at one point. Myles is 6'4’’ and she’s this tiny blond girl. I could’ve have died from the cute. And just for the record, Tangled was fantastic. I loved everything about it.

I’m sure stuff happened the next week but I can’t really remember. The next incident of note was last weekend. We decided to go into central to go to this bar the girls had been to once. It was kind of a disaster but we did make the decision to go talk to this table of guys instead of leaving. They ended being almost exactly our age and all of them were in the military. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, they were members of the British Armed Forces. I ended up talking to this guy James who’s probably even more argumentative than I am but he was so attractive. I hit his arm at one point and had to force myself to move my hand off of the solid muscle I found there. Everything was going good, there were three of us and four of them and we all seemed to be getting along swimmingly until the bar closed and we moved to another one. Thank god I’d only had one drink all night. I would not have been able to deal with the military politics I was suddenly a part of if I’d had any more.

We got to the second bar and were followed by a bunch of guys who outranked the guys we were with. This apparently is a big deal. The guys we were with clammed up. They stopped talking, they took all this shit from the other guys. I feel like I may have gotten James in trouble because one of the higher ranking guys (who appeared to be the leader of the platoon) kept hitting on me. I kept turning him down and ignoring him. I could tell he was getting irritated and kept shooting James pleading looks. Eventually, James walks up and says, “I can’t do anything. I’m sorry. He outranks me.” He then told Shahida to go rescue me though and saved me a seat next to him that put an entire table and a large group of people between us and the higher ranking guy. We hung out with them for the rest of the night, eventually wandering around Oxford St trying to get a cab (surprisingly hard at 4 am) and listening to the boys complain about being cold because none of them had coats. Well, the majority of them didn’t complain too badly but James was convinced he was actually dying. It was hilarious. We eventually called a cab and then accidentally almost kidnapped them (James was so exhausted he would have actually cried).

We exchanged contact info outside their hotel and hugged all around. The one guy Matt is 6'5’’ and when I hugged him he was so excited. I had taken my heels off so I’m roughly a foot shorter than him. He walked over to hug me and goes “Aw, it’s like a waist hug. This is adorable!” It was so cute. We made plans to see them the next day and went home. They were really sweet guys. I like all of them a lot. Matt had hilarious stories from uni (including when he woke up in a Subway six hours away from where he lived because his friends went through a phase where they’d put drunk people on trains) and Chris has awesome taste in movies and tv shows. James may have been argumentative but he was a good guy who’s close to his family and is actually a very serious person.

The next night, plans fell through with Myles and we met the guys at a pub in Covent Garden. James wasn’t with them. It was disappointing but it was still an alright night. We brought them to Big Chill where, as is my life, Mario was hanging out. Turns out he was in London for the week. Of course, he was. He tried to get me to leave with him later and when I wouldn’t he got a bit grabby. Nothing I can’t handle but had James actually been there he probably would have punched him in the face. It wouldn’t have been pretty. Mario continued to text me even once we’d gone home with the guys getting progressively ruder. Luckily, I woke up to an apology text or I would have had to kill him. The guys spent the night, the one guy Chris is Penny’s room and Matt on the couch.

Jules picked a good time to come back into our lives. Turns out he’s obsessed with HIMYM. We’ve watched so much with him lately lol. I also just forgot how funny he is. He hung out with us all night on my birthday and then came over this Friday to hang out with us. We actually did nothing. We had a few drinks at the flat just talking and joking around and then headed to Big Chill for a drink. We said hi to the disgusting amount of staff that we know and sat up in this couch-y type area just talking. We literally had like one or two drinks each and then came home so we could watch HIMYM. Well, there was a slight detour to the sketchy chicken place during which we went through Jules’s wallet (that we desperately want to replace with something leather and grown up) and I got told by the chicken guy that I’m "white but beautiful”. Oh yes. We need to go there less. Jules crashed on the couch eventually and we made him promise to wake us up before he left. The loser did not but that did give me an excuse to put “Wake Me Up Before You Go, Go” on his wall. It was really nice to see him. I honestly have such a good time with Jules. We’re all so instantly comfortable with him. It’s so great to not have to be on the top of our game all the time.

I have so much more to write up including the status of the Martin situation, my purse getting stolen, the intense booty calling this week, and the events of Tuesday night but my shift is about to end so I guess I’ll do it another time.

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

In other news, I still haven’t gone grocery shopping.

Yes, my life is so interesting, I know. On Tuesday I had lunch with Penny and Shahida after class and then we went down to Oxford Circus to bug Myles at work. We hung around Geek Squad for like an hour before deciding that might have been the lamest thing we’ve ever done and left. We went to this literal hole in the wall Japanese restaurant in Earl’s Court for dinner. It was really good and I felt like the woman who worked there/probably owned it was very sweet. She became our Asian grandmother for the night and showed us how to eat our food and telling us what to order. It was nice.

Myles called us when he got off and we met him at Earl’s Court tube station. We walked to a pub on near Gloucester Road. He hadn’t eaten yet so we sat down o he could order food and we split a bottle of wine. We then got another bottle of wine and sat and talked until the lights in the pub switched off. We walked to a 24 hour off-liscence to buy a third bottle of wine and looked ridiculous. Myles’s washing machine is broken apperently so he had to buy white undershirts and socks for work so he just had a ridiculous array of them in his bag. So Penny was wearing his clip-on tie, I had his Geek Squad pin on my jumper, and both of us had his new socks on our hands as sock puppets as we walked down the street. Shahida was wearing one of the white shirts and we spent five minutes trying to find a pen to draw eyes on our sock puppets, Garcia and Gideon. We went back to Penny and Shahida’s flat and drank the third bottle of Chardonnay while telling Myles all our shameful stories from last semester. He then told us his most shameful drinking story. It wasn’t so bad. We turned on the tv and watched ridiculous Japanese game shows for a while and argued with Myles about switching to the God Channel (which I had no idea was it’s actual name. I thought he was joking). It was suddenly 2:30 AM and I still needed to get home. Myles slept on their couch and I caught a cab home for the third night in a row.

I met up with Shahida and Myles for pancakes in Kensington the next morning (well, afternoon) and enjoyed the sight of a hungover Myles. We just chilled for the rest of the day, eventually dropping Shahida off on Oxford Street so she could meet up with this guy Jai. I got a text twenty minutes after that from her telling me she was in a Buddhist temple. Yeah, I still have no idea. Myles and I walked around under umbrellas for awhile, stopping in at Waterstone’s and HMV so I could spend money I don’t actually have. We went and got hot chocolate from Caffe Nero (yes, my blog is full of brand names today. not sure why) and I managed to skip a step while carrying mine and hot chocolate flew everywhere. Yes, I am in fact smooth. Myles shook his head and laughed at me when I walked over covered in chocolate. Penny eventually called me to tell me she was back from picking her mom up from Heathrow and she wanted to take me out for dinner. In general, it was a nice chill day even if I was slightly nervous about hanging out with just Myles. I’m trying my damnedest to not fall for him again. I’m not sure if it’s working.

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

So, about that party.

Getting ready and getting everything cooked was a nightmare. First I burnt my hand on a cookie sheet so I was literally useless. Then Shahida did the exact same thing but her burn looked worse then mine. I’m jut a huge baby about pain. The three of us were all kind of stressing out but once everyone got there and the party started moving things got much better. Btw, this post became massive without me realizing it.

The Richmond lot arrived first and Myles got there a little bit after that. He had walked through the rain and was soaking wet when he walked in bearing a ridiculous amount of alcohol. He also managed to get lost on the way to the flat which is kind of ridiculous. I texted George asking if was coming and he said yes but he wouldn’t be there for another hour. As soon as I started to reply the buzzer sounded. We checked the little screen and it was George. I was so excited I could have died. Penny and I raced downstairs to let him in and hug him. God, he gives the best hugs. He gives Myles a run for his money in that department (and really it’s only Myles’s height that wins). We’re walking upstairs and he goes, “Jules will be here in a minute” and Penny and I both freak out and go, “Really?!?” and he smirks at us and says no. I probably told him to kill himself/fuck off/I hate him a thousand times last night. I wish that was a bad thing and not a sign of how much I’ve missed his wit.

This could literally be an entire post of George’s one liners from last night. I’ve literally never seen him so relaxed. Normally he puts up this facade like he’s too cool for everyone. He won’t laugh at jokes, he’ll raise his eyebrows instead. His hair will be perfectly gelled to look like he just rolled out of bed and he will under no circumstances ask questions or talk to people he doesn’t know. Last night he laughed out loud at alot of things and smiled quite a bit. I was able to call him out on being ridiculous and instead of pretending to pout he laughed and winked at me. He socialised quite a bit (even if I literally had to lead him over to a group of people and announce that he was now prepared to mingle) and had some intense looking conversations with people (which were mostly complete bullshit). He convinced this guy Lance that he wanted to be a commercial airline pilot. He grilled Myles on how exactly to get hired by Geek Squad. He attempted to convince Penny and I that Inception was based off of him and Jules. That was sort of beautiful. Shahida and I decided that he was definitely Eames without a doubt. He walked in smelling like cigarette smoke and Shahida asked him if he’d been smoking. George smiled and said, “No, there was a fire.” He is made of so much ridiculous.

I spent the whole night focusing on him. I was his private bartender for the night. It got to the point when he just pointed his empty cup at me and I’d be filling it before I even realised I’d stood up. Everything was going really well and I was not at all focused on Myles. Well, I guess I was a little bit. There was a point when he quoted Doctor Who and made a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy reference in one sentence and I almost died. Then George tried to tell me my eyes weren’t blue and I asked the nearest group of people what color my eyes were and Myles from ten feet away answers without looking at me, “Blue. Well, a bit turquoise-y sometimes.” It’s taking all my self-control to not read into that.

Anyways, it was all going very well until George leans in and goes, “So, I like Penny.” And I freeze for a second and then spend ten minutes trying to convince him it isn’t going to happen. I give excuses both real and fake but he’s having none of it. Apparently he likes the challenge she poses. He didn’t believe when I told him that she’s really quite easy (and she is for people who aren’t George). So I bolt at first chance and go and talk to Myles. He tells me to, “move on, babe.” I resisted the urge to hit him and went and sat on the stairs outside the flat. Well, I grabbed a shot of vodka and took it with me to sit on the stairs outside the flat. Penny joined me and we talked. I was upset and cried a little and just as I stop crying I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and it’s George. I mean, who else would it be? This is me we’re talking about here. He asked me if I was ok and I said yeah. He was going to buy more cigarettes (he literally had a single cigarette in his jacket and he needed my help to find his pockets. Yeah.) and so he walked down the stairs and stopped at the landing. He turned around and said, “You sure you’re ok?” I said yes again and Penny made up some bullshit excuse as to why I was upset. The off-liscence he was walking to was literally four minutes away but he found a minute to call me while he was walking there. I picked up and George goes, “You ok?” I told him yes, I was just drunk. He then says, “Ok…” and hung up. Jesus do I wish he would stop caring.

He eventually leaves and apparently was wasted. I was pretty trashed but the boy was gone. I made him do a shot with me earlier in the night and that apparently killed him. He’s always been a pussy about shots.  He also got kicked off the bus on the way home for taking too long to pay. I’m not entirely sure how I didn’t notice his intense state of intoxication. It probably has to do with my own alcohol level LOL. He did call me ten minutes after he left convinced he left his wallet at the flat. I told him to check the left inside pocket of his coat and he goes, “Oh. Ok.” and hangs up.

By this point, Myles and Coco were sleeping on the couch and recliner respectively and the party is down to stragglers. The vodka’s all gone so I’m drinking rum. I hate rum. Lance and I are arguing about Friends episodes and Shahida’s friend Daniel is trying to figure out why I took Latin in high school. I was so tired and Penny was falling asleep on the kitchen counter. The guys left and I threw blankets over Coco and Myles and passed out on Shahida’s bed.

For the record, hungover!Myles might be my favorite Myles. I like him better hungover then I do drunk. He literally loses the ability to speak English and communicates in mainly dinosaur noises. It also took him ten minutes to put his Oxford on because he kept giving up and letting it drape over his face. When he first woke up and said “Quite time now.” and then rolled over and went back to sleep. He then proceeded to moan anytime someone made a noise. I went to give an awake Coco the computer and noticed that I had to step over Myles’s shirts. Plural. I glance over and oh yes, that would be a shirtless Myles on the couch. That would a shirtless Myles wearing only jeans that show his hipbones. I sort of couldn’t handle it that early in the morning when I was so hungry I was still a little drunk because there was nothing in my stomach to absorb the alcohol.

All in all, it was a really fun party. Everyone seemed to have a really good time and besides that drama that likes to pop up around me I did as well. Even if I didn’t get to eat any of the food I made. Though, apparently everyone else enjoyed it. Myles got there and we were explaining our burns and he goes, “There were cookies?” It was adorable. Right up there with George playing with my bracelets (and talking about his newest skill:ironing) adorable.

Jesus do I need help with this boy. Amirite?

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

We got Indian food and it was delivered just as we were all on the verge of passing out because none of us had eaten all day. Myles was over an hour late because his meeting ran late. I went downstairs to get him and he smiled when he saw me and goes, “Someone’s looking good.” I could kiss my hairdresser. He asked what the occasion was and I told him I just wanted a change. We went upstairs and I grabbed glasses for the wine he’d brought over. He also brought a pack of Reese’s with three peanut butter cups in it. He said he got one for each of us but didn’t know if anyone was allergic and was hoping someone was because he wanted one. I laughed so hard I cried. That it so ridiculous. Penny was super tense all day. I know that it’s from being tired and resisting the urge to kill Shahida but it’s becoming irritating. She really just needs to relax a little bit. Shahida and I have also been in a pretty good place lately. We stayed up after Penny went to bed on Thursday talking and I think that really helped. I needed a reminder that this was the girl I talked to everyday over the summer and not the monster currently living in Penny’s head.

We finished the first bottle of wine and watched the Inbetweeners (which Myles has never seen somehow) with Penny attempting to buy us Harry Potter tickets and then getting irritated because we weren’t paying attention and no one would make a decision. London isn’t doing a midnight showing (of course not) so we’re going to a midnight show on Friday instead of Thursday night. I made the executive decision that we needed more alcohol so Myles, Shahida, and I walked down to one of the sketch little off-liscences around the corner. Turns out that this particular sketch little place is where Myles stopped to buy the first bottle of wine. His rapport with the cashier came in handy as it was almost 1 AM and there was no way this guy could legally sell us anything. We walked out with a second bottle of wine anyway.

Myles was wearing these ridiculous slightly furry gloves. He’s totally a baby about the cold but his reason for buying these particular gloves killed me a little. Apperently they make him feel like Grover. As in the Muppet. And when I looked at him in confusion (seriously? Grover?) he goes, “Oh alright, Cookie Monster hands. Whatever your Muppet of choice is.” I was dying. I know he has a seven year old sister but still. Hilarious.

I am doing my damndest to just enjoy being friends with Myles but he makes it difficult. At one point we were randomly counting in different languages and Shahida and Myles counted to like thirty in French. I could not deal. His French accent is actually really good. All I could think about was JGL and how much hotter he is when he speaks French. I thought Myles’s English accent made him hot. OMG him speaking French killed me. He then started counting in German and I had to look away. I have never considered German in any way, shape, or form an attractive language. Thank you, Myles, for ruining that for me.

Penny was all crabby and sleepy so we kept telling her to go to bed, that we didn’t care, don’t stay up on our account, etc. All that did was piss her off some more. I’m almost dreading tonight. She did eventually go shower and then went to bed a little bit after that. I have no idea what time this was. My phone was MIA most of the night and I still don’t have a watch. The three of us continued to drink our bottle of wine and talk about nothing. We ate the Reese’s and Myles literally ate the entire thing in one go. Shahida and I just stared. It was actually kind of hilarious. Oh, and I’m wrong. I’ve been telling people he’s 6'2’’. He said last night that he’s 6'4’’. That makes him an entire foot taller than me (and an inch taller than David Tennant). Oh! He also learned that Shahida and I read/write fanfiction. You could see the comments he wanted to make written all over his face. Jerk. Shahida and I are very touchy-feely in general. If I lean my head on her shoulder she’ll pet my hair, if we’re laying on the couch she’ll usemy legs as a pillow, etc. Everytime we’d jokingly do something like that last nigh Myles would yell, “Make out!” and when we’d respond that we were way to sober for that he’d literally get up to get the bottle of wine. It’s nice to know the boy is still human and would enjoy something like that. I almost mentioned that when he responded to my list of fandoms with, “Torchwood is all gay porn and you know it.”

We decided to put on In Bruges because I’d never seen it and Myles sat in between Shahida and I, throwing a blanket over all three of our legs. Shahida and I finished out glasses of wine and then split the rest of Myles’s because he said he wasn’t going to finish his. Wuss. I’m not entirely sure what was going on in the movie besides Colin Firth (or was it Colin Farrell?) being adorable and Irish and Mad-Eye Moody enjoying culture but I was enjoying watching Myles smile and laugh soflty to himself the minute before something funny happened because he knew it was coming. I eventually couldn’t keep my eyes open and dozed off against his shoulder. Before I fell alseep I took a breathe and all I could smell was Myles. He legitimately doesn’t smell like any other guy I’ve smelt before, as creepy/weird as that sounds. Oooohh. I knew something was off. I just realised that the reason I notcied how he smelled was because he did smell different. He does have a cologne or whatever that he wears out normally but he wasn’t wearing it last night. Now it makes sense. Now I feel like less of a weirdo for noticing the way he smelled so acutely last night.

Shahida and I both had to be up early so we went to bed around 3 AM and left Myles on the couch. We got into bed and the boy had texted her with “hi” and nothing else. From the other room. The hilarious thing is that we’d just been talking about how much we missed talking to guys at night. Those phone calls that last four or five hours while you’re lying in bed with your eyes closed, where you talk about everything and nothing just to be closer to the person on the other end of the phone. We both kind of fell asleep as we were talking and then were woken up about an hour later by what was either their obnoxious next door neighbors coming home, Myles talking loudly to someone of the phone, or a combination of both. It was probably just her neighbors but someone sounded just like Myles and I was irriatingly angry. The bad thing is that I wasn’t mad I’d been woken up. I was mad that he was on the phone with someone at 4 AM and it wasn’t one of us. I literally couldn’t sleep I was so annoyed. I did eventually doze off by never fully and then woke up properly at 5:15 AM. Shahida rolled over and smacked me as she stretched and then we were both awake. I was so tired I couldn’t sleep. When her alarm went off at 8:30 I almost attacked the phone. So too fucking early.

I was slightly hungover but I think most of that is from not sleeping. I’m still in this fucking library and hating my life but I have about half hour left anf then I’m going home and sleeping forever. I don’t give a shit if my roommate and her boyfriend and still there. My room too bitches. I’m in the sort of mood where I wanted to curl up on the couch with Myles this morning and never leave. I once again had a good time counting the shirts left on the floor (well, chair this time) and realising through a process of emlimnation that there couldn’t be any left on his body if there were three different shirts taken off (seriously though, who is he Sheldon? Or the 10th Doctor I guess. God he needs to be less comparable to fictional characters I find attractive).

I’m not sure how much progress I’m making in getting over him but judging by the number of times I’ve said his name in this post I’m going to go with not very well.

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

I’m going to sleep in six minutes.

I’m going to set my alarm for 4:30 AM and wake up and write my paper. This is the plan. I don’t see it happening. Luckily, I have a majority of my books filled with post-its. It’s part of my process. It makes it easier to know what page to cite for what information. It also gives me something to do when I’m reading a million books about the same thing. I have to stop every minute or so and write something down so I don’t just stop absorbing the information.

It’s really annoying me that I haven’t been able to post about the stuff I want to post about. I wanted to talk about how long George’s hair has gotten and how Jules is one hundred percent pissed at him. I wanted to talk about how it seems that George is getting his life on track just as Jules’s is beginning to derail. I wanted to talk about how I’m almost desperate enough to go out with Martin (who clearly thinks I’m playing hard to get when really I’m just hard for HIM to get). I wanted to talk about how I actually called into work on Sunday so I could meet George, and the starving musician he looked like when we met him (seriously was sitting against a monument with an amp next to him and a beanie on). I wanted to talk about his hilariously bad luck and how both of us did the same stupid thing when we were 16 but only one of us managed to not get caught. I wanted to talk about how Mike has embraced his role of my protective older brother a bit too enthusiastically (but how I kind of love that he wants to come and kick Scott’s ass for me. Mike doesn’t get into fights for anyone).

But no. This paper is due at 3 PM tomorrow. That gives me exactly 15 hours. Let’s do this shit.

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

So, about that story

On Saturday, Shahida went to visit her brother in Cambridge. She has GOT to stop doing that. It’s getting ridiculous. The things we do when she’s not there are just unbelievable. Penny’s friend Candace was in town visiting so her and Penny’s other friend from home, Paige, came out with us. There was this event at Big Chill that was supposed to be a big deal so after drinking a bit at the flat we headed down there. It was packed and there was a massive queue outside to get in. Luckily, our favorite bouncer Ryan was working the door so he waved us in ahead of the crowd. All our favorites were working, including Sherlock who’d just gotten back from Ireland a couple of days before. He was looking more attractive than normal. He’d just gotten a hair cut but it looked good (especially as he said his mom had cut it which the most adorable thing I’d ever heard). We got drinks and eventually all separated. I spent a good amount of time trying to find Penny after the lawyer I’d been arguing about the American Revolution (seriously) left to find his flatmate. During this time she managed to meet everyone in the bar. Seriously. It was hilarious.

Eventually, Candace had left with some guy and it was either a quarter to four or three (time had changed and no one had any idea what was going on) so we decided to bail. We were walking home and we were all pretty tipsy. Paige may have been properly drunk but she always looks sober. The chicken place was closed and Penny was on the phone trying to get Candace home (her night was hilarious for reasons I’m not a hundred percent clear on). We were standing across from the Clink, a hostel that’s literally two minutes from the flat, Penny was yelling “Why are you on Tottenham Court Road? Get out of the car, Candace!” into the phone, and someone was yelling at us out a window. The window was the third floor of the Clink and I have no idea why we decided to yell back. I definitely don’t know why we crossed the street when the guys yelling at us said they’d come down to get us so we could come up. I don’t remember making decisions. I just made them. I wasn’t even that drunk! I was incredibly clear headed the whole time.

So, we ran across the street and met a guy in a blue shirt at the door. While typing this up I’m realising I have no idea what this guy’s name was. I’m assuming I was introduced but I’m 90% sure it wasn’t until we were actually in the room. We followed him up a couple of flights of stairs giggling the whole time until we reached a door to the room on the other side of the window. It opened to reveal eight drunk Scottish guys six of whom were sitting around in nothing but their underwear.  Yeah.

We stood there at talked to them mostly because the entire situation was hilarious. It was too funny for words that we were currently inside the Clink. There were four sets of bunk beds and it seemed like there were just guys everywhere. Penny was the first one to sit down on one of the bunk beds with this guy Maxy. After one of the guys grabbed my ass (I was in a skirt without tights) I sat down on a bed with this guy Scott (who’d been introduced as Scott the Scot. Oh yes.) and started talking to him. So, I never thought I’d have a problem with Scottish accents. Oh my christ, was I wrong. There were times where I literally had no idea what was being said. None. If they were speaking to each other it was especially bad because they’d just rattle shit off and then laugh. They were in town for the Scotland v. Brazil game yesterday.

They were passing around a bottle of Smirnoff and a cigarillo. One guy was calling me Sweet Lips. I acted offended. One of the guys sitting across from me had a lighter in his hand that looked like the one I’d had in my bag when it got stolen. I asked if I could see it and he told me that I kissed Scott on the mouth he’d give it to me. I shrugged and leaned forward to kiss Scott. Things spiraled a bit out of control after that. Well, no. I wouldn’t say that I guess. I didn’t feel out of control at all. Quickly? Things happened quickly? Again, that doesn’t feel right. What it did feel like was like I just stopped questioning things. It’s like I thought I was in some sort of alternate universe and just went with the flow of it. Like, this is happening and it’s ok.

Anyways, I started making out with Scott and we scootched back further on the bed. There were like partitions in between the bunk beds so it was like there were walls on either side. At one point, Candace arrived (Penny picks up her phone and yells, “You’re alive!!”) and the guys were excited to have a new girl to talk to since Penny and I had been poached early. Or Maxi and Scott were. It wasn’t clear who came onto who in either circumstance. Penny and I both agree that there were no decisions being made in this case. Everyone kind of just knew what was going down. Candace and Paige must have picked guys because they ended up with them but I have no idea who.

Scott and I were the first ones to bail on the conversation for the privacy of his bed. We started making out with me underneath him on the bed. I never actually thought I’d be able to fool around with someone like that in a room full of people (let alone people I know). It helped when someone turned the light off. It really was a hilarious situation. The guys that didn’t have one of us with them were being ridiculous, singing random shit and making rude comments. We mostly tried to ignore them but at times couldn’t quite do it. At one point, Scott laid back on the bed and tried to keep perfectly still. I poked him and he held up a hand and said, “Stop laughing. Stop.” Even though he was talking to me, it had been him that was laughing. He couldn’t keep a straight face even trying so I leaned over him and kissed him while his hands found my waist.

It was weird. What could have been horrible and sordid and shameful wasn’t at all. He was sweet and almost tender while we were fooling around. I didn’t feel pressured at all. I didn’t once feel panicky, which is interesting considering that the situation I was in was radically different from any I’ve ever been in. It felt right to kiss him and let him hold me and touch me. All in all, it was a good experience. Penny and I both agreed there were no regrets.

There were parts of the night so adorable I wish someone had been recording it. We were cuddling and making out and the guy next us was playing some song on his phone I didn’t recognize and Scott pulled back to request something classic, “like Neil Diamond.” I laughed and he started singing “Sweet Caroline”, the guy next to us joined in. He was laying down next to me and I told him to shush. I leaned over him when he didn’t stop and said, “Hey, Elvis, shuddup.” He continued to sing managing to fit “Make me” into the lyrics so I bent down and kissed him quiet. I found out after adding him on facebook that he’s a huge Elvis fan. He must have been dying a little bit.

Eventually we settled down to go to sleep and he pulled my head down to his chest and wrapped his arms around me. I woke up about 40 minutes later feeling like I was dying of heat. I was literally covered in sweat. I wiggled out of his arms and turned onto my side, facing away from him. I sometimes sleep with one arm above my head and ended up that way. He adjusted himself so that he had one arm around my waist and had the other one positioned so he was holding the hand I had above my head. It was adorable. No matter how either one of us moved he always made sure we were touching in some way. We were on our sides facing away from each other at one point and he still threw his arm around my waist. That may have been the best part of the whole experience, just having someone hold me. I woke up at one point to Scott’s arms around me and his stubble against my back as he kissed me. There was a time later where I woke up and we were laying side by side. He turned his head and kissed my arm and then reached to pull me onto his chest after whispering, “Hey.” Penny left a bit after 6 AM after trying to get anyone else to go with here. I couldn’t quite do it though. I was comfortable and Scott was such a sweetheart. I wanted to spend as much time in his arms as I could.

I lost an earring while we were making out and took the other one out a bit later only to have it fall off and disappear at some point. I lost my necklace somewhere along the way as well. I had it until right before I left somewhere around 9 AM. Paige and Candace were leaving so they woke me up and I attempted to adjust my clothes. My bar was like half off and the halter I was wearing was a mess. My hair looked exactly like what it should look like after a night rolling around in a bed with a boy. All in all, I looked adorable. Scott sat up as I got my stuff ready looking like he was still half asleep. I asked him for his phone and put my name and number in it. I sat down next to him and he put his hand over mine almost like it was an instinct. I kissed him a couple of times and mumbled a good-bye. I put my coat on and finally found my phone before kneeling on the bed one more time and kissing him while he put both hands on my face to hold me there for a second. I smiled at him and he looked a little sad as he said good-bye. I smirked at the guys who were giving him shit as I walked out and gave them a “Good morning, boys” before closing the door behind me.

Candace, Paige, and I avoided all eye contact as we ran down the stairs to the main lobby of the hostage. We couldn’t have looked more like girls doing the walk of shame if we tried. I was in a short skirt and no tights and my hair was everywhere. We said a quick good-bye and I ran back to the flat chanting “Home, home, home, home!” as I did so. Penny buzzed me up and I sprinted up the stairs. I washed my hands and scrubbed my teeth, shaking slightly from exhaustion and dehydration. I managed to break my watch because I didn’t take it off before attempting to wash the night off of myself. I eventually went and crashed in Shahida’s empty bed after resisting the urge to shower fully clothed. Penny woke me up about an hour later and crawled into bed next to me while we tried to make any kind of sense of the night. We didn’t have much luck. I still am not entirely sure how anything (or everything, I guess) happened.

I know that there isn’t a whole lot of residual emotion from Saturday night. It’s not even like I know anything about this guy really (except that he also claims to never do things like that, or “never in my life” as he put it) but it was the sense of intimacy that came from the encounter. I went to sleep on Sunday night and kind of hated that there was no one’s arms around me. I woke up Monday morning a tad upset that it happened been because I’d been kissed awake. I’m at a point where I want that.

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

Penny’s Legendary B-Day Celebrations (2011)

Well, the first part of them. The Dublin story’s going to have to wait it appears.

We had Spring Fest during the day yesterday so we got to Richmond around 1 PM with water bottles of vodka in out bags. I literally had one drink and Penny had a ton. It was her actual birthday so I wanted her to have fun. I didn’t mind being sober while at Spring Fest. The weather wasn’t amazing so that kind of sucked. We ate cotton candy and played human foosball and ran around on the lawn for a while until we had to leave to go get ready for the night. We walked into town with Ang, one of the women who work in the canteen at Richmond, who is easily the sweetest person on the planet. We talked to her for a good forty minutes and then went to Rev and did a shot for old time’s sake. We then got appetizers at Wagamama and took curries to go.

We got back to the flat with barely enough time to get ready, eat, and leave. A nap would have been amazing but no such luck. We got to TGIF’s and found it void of anyone we were supposed to be meeting. Jules was supposed to be there as well as Myles and this guy Dan that he works with. We were going laser tagging and Penny and I had suited up for the occasion. Myles and Dan eventually got there and Myles was starving ordered cheese sticks. We had to be at the place at 9 and it was 8:30. He ordered us drinks and I went outside and called Jules for a second time. Penny was convinced he wasn’t coming. She was sitting there going. “I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna kill him.” We knew he didn’t have credit and the first time I called him it had gone straight to voicemail so I was hoping that meant he was on the Tube.

I went outside and called him again. He answered with, “Oh thank god, I have no money on my phone.” He had no idea where he was. He said he was in Leicester so I told him to walk towards Picadilly. No clue. He said he was outside the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum. Which is in Picadilly, not Leicester. Dork. So I’m walking around trying to find him when he goes, “I see you.” I turned my head to the right and there he was in this horrible brown patterned jacket, suit pants, and this horrendous navy blue and white checker tie. It was amazing. I’ve never seen a more horrible outfit but he did suit up, so that was incredibly sweet of him. I brought him back to TGIF’s and Penny was literally jumping up and down she was so excited that he’d suited up. We finished out drinks and Myles threw the cheese sticks down his throat and at anyone who would eat them before crossing the street to the Trocadero. We ran around trying to find where we were going before arriving at Star Command. Oh yes.

Laser tag was unbelievable amounts of fun. We ended up playing two games and worked up a major sweat running around. Everyone got really, really, into it. It was unbelievably hilarious. The second game went smoother than the first because we all knew what we were doing. We’d worked out strategies and knew how the use the different settings on the guns. I don’t think I’ve sworn that much in a while and I def have never been sworn at that much. Everyone in that room was so competitive. It was amazing. Myles won both games and flirted horribly with the girl who worked there. Outside of laser tag, that boy has no game.

Afterwards, we went back to TGIF’s because Myles had ordered two orders of cheese sticks and his second order was waiting for him. We got a round of drinks and Dan took off. Jules recomposed himself in his suit (even if I did have to undo his top button before the second game of laser tag and then confiscated his tie so he couldn’t put it back on) and I ordered a round of shots for Penny and I. They were huge shot glasses, like it’s ridiculous. Myles videotaped us doing them. The video’s hilarious. As soon as we did the shot, Penny leaned over and God Save the Queen-ed me. I could of killed her. I killed my drink instead and then fished the penny out and tossed it into Jules’s mostly full Godfather. It was hilarious watching him down it when he doesn’t even like whiskey. Eventually, the bar closed and Myles had to get home. He said good bye and we tried to figure out where to go next. I talked to one of the bartenders, Sasha, who was Serbian. My grandmother’s 100% Serbian so we talked all about that and he asked for her full maiden name and smiled approvingly when I told him. He said something in Serbian to another bartender, a younger cute one, who answered in the same language. Sasha told me that he was Serbian as well and the younger one high-fived me for being Serbian. It was hilarious.

Eventually, we decided to go to King’s Cross and do Ruby Lounge and Big Chill. On the Tube there we encountered an Australian guy, from Melbourne, who worked in a bar in Soho and his friends who were going to Egg. We talked to them and I made fun of a French guy with them. That was fun. Jules looked like he wanted to die though. Penny and I were talking and flirting with these guys and Jules one hundred percent thought we were going to like leave him or something. We got off at King’s Cross and told the guys to have a good night. We walked to Ruby Lounge and ordered drinks. Penny got a phone call so Jules covered that round and we got a table. The bartender is the one who knows us and comped Penny’s drink and gave us a discount. It was awesome. Jules and I sat and talked while Penny was outside.

I got all sorts of hilarious information from Jules last night. When he was in Greece last summer, for example, George stayed in his room while he was gone for over a week. George actually had people over in Jules’s room. I was dying. We were also talking about the plans we’d made to go to Oceana and he goes, “Yeah, last time you guys all ended up with different guys.” I mumbled something and he goes, “Feel free to do that this time.” I assured him that we could never, ever hook up with randoms when we were out with him. We’d talked about that a long, long time ago and agreed it would be crazy awkward. I’d originally been talking to George about it and he’d said there should be no rules for when we were hanging out, just do what you want. He very quickly changed his mind when he’d thought about what it would actually be like to watch us hook up with randoms. Jules thought it was a horrible decision from the beginning. We agreed for the second time then that it would be horrible to watch. He then said that he didn’t think he’d ever hooked up anyone at the ball (I know he hadn’t) but he’d hooked up with “a load of mingers” at Oceana. I was dying. His impression of what it would be like if we hooked up with a random in front of each other was hilarious. So, so funny. We also got a great story from my birthday. Apparently, Massimo had walked up to him while drunk and gone, “I don’t know why I didn’t like you” and hugged him. Penny was on the floor. Oh, and here’s some awesome news (note the sarcasm), Jules was almost entirely sober at Studio Valbonne which means he remembers the night in high definition. Beautiful. He was crying laughing recounting my inability to stay on my feet that night. He also mocked Penny for trying to convince him to come back with us when we went home. She’d assigned George to me and Esam apparently was really down with the decision. He was incredibly keen to come with us which I have no recollection of.

We also got the full story of his wallet getting stolen. Turns out, he’d left it on the bar at Oceana. Someone turned it in so he has to go get it. So, so hilarious. Penny and I were sitting there looking at him going, “That’s not the same as getting it stolen you retard!”. He’s decided that once he turns 20 in October he’s going to stop going to clubs in Kingston, “’cause then it’s just creepy”. Love him. When he emptied his pockets that night before bed he literally had filled the arm of the couch with his stuff. Penny looks at it and goes, “How much stuff is in your pockets?!” I was crying I was laughing so hard. Jules has a habit of finding random things in his pockets the morning after being drunk. He found someone else’s keys once. Penny and I were joking around about getting him shitfaced and putting really random stuff in his pockets just to add to his confusion. The fact that he managed to fill his pockets all by himself was amazing.

Eventually, we were joined by one of Penny’s course mates, Robsta, his girlfriend, and this random German guy that was with them. They were a lot, a lot of fun. We sat and kept drinking at Ruby Lounge until they closed somewhere around 2:30 AM. Robsta and them were going to Egg but Penny, Jules, and I looked like we could have fallen asleep on the table so we headed home. We walked past Big Chill, which was supposed to have closed at midnight and there were people spilling out the door. They had just closed, apparently. We stopped at the chicken place where we were informed that they were out of chips, but they would give us a side of chicken with our chicken. Penny’s was free. It was hilarious. We got back to the flat and put on HIMYM. We’ve all seen all the episodes so we just started a random season. We watched three or four episodes and then turned off the tv and just talked for a while. I really can’t put enough emphasis on how much I love Jules. I especially love where we are in our friendship with him. It’s only taken an entire year but he can now talk to Penny about members of the opposite sex without the awkwardness being tangible. And I know he’s incredibly comfortable with me. I love having a guy friend that I’ve never had a thing for. It makes everything so much easier.

Around 5 AM, we all agreed we should probably go to bed. We were all exhausted and Jules had like an eight hour shift the next day working with small children. We told him for the third time that night to wake us up before he left. He once again said he wouldn’t. Penny and I both slept with our doors open so we heard his first and second alarms go off in the morning. I got out of bed when I heard him put his keys in his pocket and went and got Penny. We walked into the living room to find Jules sitting on the couch. He looked up at us and goes, “Do you know what’s wrong with my sleeve?” He’d managed to completely fail at buttoning his cuffs. It was adorable. We sat and talked to him for about forty minutes before he really did have to go to work. Jules hugged us both goodbye and ventured out into the sunshine. Penny and I crawled back into bed until 2 PM.

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

There’s too much stuff in this room.

So, I’m packing up my room and I found my notebook from freshmen year. Holy shit. I’ve found this before periodically and re-reading it is also hilarious because of how much has changed since then. This time, it’s funny because 18-year-old me was fucking oblivious. There are things about Sebastian and how it’s “fishy” that he openly admitted to me that he flirted with me and stuff. I never even entertained the idea that he might like me. There’s stuff about how “drunk” I and various other people were. Now, I’m aware that whatever I was it was not actually drunk. My alcoholism has evolved quite nicely, thank you. It’s like that scene in Friends where Joey makes Chandler move the bowl he’s throwing balls into and goes, “Well, you suck but at least now you suck at a man’s game.”

I just found a section where I talk about how I miss Adam. I missed driving around with him and talking about nothing while he drank my coffee even though he didn’t like coffee. And suddenly it hits me. I remember that. I remember him compulsively reaching over to steal a sip and making this face before doing it again. It’s like me stealing Callum’s cigarette. I take it to annoy him, take a drag, and cough just to do it again. I might as well have been blind when I was 18, it appears.

The one thing that is really standing out is how much I talk about home. I’m always planning what I’ll do when I get home, the people I want to see and the places I want to go. I don’t get homesick like that anymore. When I was writing this, it was still first semester. I’d never been away from London for an extended period of time. I talk about how hard I think it will be to adjust to life back home but I’m in no way aware of the extent of that difficulty. I remember being homesick for Chicago then but it was never the physical pain being away from London causes me now.

One last observation, the guys I had crushes on that semester are reeeeally fucking embarrassing. Hot damn. I have NO idea what I was thinking. But still, everything was so straight forward. I had crushes, I was attracted to guys, but I didn’t really feel anything for them. I wrote about various domestic fantasies and how I’d want to look standing next to them but not how it would feel. It just seems so easy compared to now when liking a guy is closer to gambling with your entire life. You can’t commit any emotions without risking it all. Now, I have a guy I hook up with who I have absolutely no feelings for which I don’t think I would ever have considered then. I just assumed that if I was in someone’s bed it would be because I liked them- not because I’m bored and its convenient.

My hot Starbucks barista, I found out today, is studying psychology. He’s a first year at a university that he mumbled because he was clearly embarrassed by it and I didn’t ask him to repeat it. I walked out with my iced latte after talking to him for ten minutes feeling giddy and light. I realised that yeah, I have a crush. A nice, meaningless little crush that I can enjoy without it ending in a disaster. I don’t have to tell him I like him because we’re friends and it’s getting out of hand. I don’t have to worry about drunkenly creeping him out on facebook. I can just flirt with him now and then and pretend to be disappointed that he hasn’t asked me out yet. Hell, I could ask him out and it wouldn’t be a big deal at all. If he said yes, it could be fun. If he said no, I’d smile and tell him to have a good summer anyways and continue about my day. If I was going to be here for longer I think I’d do it, but right now I think I’m just gonna work on finding out his name.

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

I grew up with two cousins around my age, Sean and Geoff. Sean is a little over six months older than I am. Geoff is two or three years younger. They’re my third or fourth cousins and my sister and I spent our childhoods playing pretend games and terrorizing each other. Geoff used to drive me nuts and Sean was always ready to make up an enemy to fight in wherever the jungle gym that functioned as a time machine/rocket ship/submarine would take us. We played video games and watched bad sci-fi movies. I’d share Sean’s bed at sleepovers and borrowed his clothes after getting thrown into their pool. They showed us their secret spot in the woods behind their house. We’d play epic games of hide and seek and terrifying games of “Monster” where Becca and Sean would throw me under the bus as they stretched out on the couch designated as a “safe zone”. We’d wrestle and I’d blush at their liberal use of swears from a young age. As we got older, Sean and I got closer as our life paths diverged. He’s smart- maybe smarter than I am. This, however, showed itself most in how easily he got bored, how much he hated the structure of traditional schools.

Recently, I saw my cousins for the first time in a long time. It was their little sister’s birthday party. They have a younger brother and sister that I almost feel like are from a different marriage or something. I have no connection with them really, even if I know that Sean and Geoff would both do anything to protect them. I sat in the room Sean shares with Carter, their younger brother, and listened to his friends talk while watching Geoff play a video game. There was one guy there that the others referred to as “Convict” and another who seemed more like a sidekick than anyone I’d ever seen. It was clear who was the alpha of the group, my cousin who radiates intensity and intelligence. He’s the guy that always knows what’s going on. During the course of the night I listened to them discuss a possible drug deal, a party drug you snort that no one but Sean had ever heard of before. I looked a him and said, “It sounds like MDMA.” Sean nodded at me, “That’s exactly what it is.” He’d given it a nickname of his own after a character from a video game we’d grown up playing. At one point, I was left with the sidekick, Mike to have my ass handed to me in Mario Kart. As we played he rambled about how he and Sean used to do coke and play it for hours. They’d stop every two laps and do another line. They were dealing it at that point along with high quality weed so they were never in short supply. I couldn’t help but think of a tirade Sean’s dad, a doctor, had gone off on earlier about a drug dealer on their block that he’d been trying to get convicted for years. If only he knew what was going on inside his own house. The guy continued to talk about their adventures in baking with weed and their stint with heroin. If I’d ever caught Sean with a track mark I’d beat him silly but I know better. He’s far too smart for his own good. He would never shoot up somewhere you could see it. He was raised by a doctor and knows better than most the placement of less obvious veins.

I went downstairs at one point and when I walked back up, Sean’s door was mostly closed. I pushed it open and the guy who had beat me so badly on N64 stood almost nervously next to the desk watching an Asian guy sitting at the desk sort through packets of powder with a scale in front of him. He looked at me as I walked in and glanced at the guy standing above him, “She cool?” “Yeah,” he assured him, “At least I think so. Would you go to jail for 8 years for someone else?” I thought about my favorite cousin who was no where to be found and sat down on the bed, “I’m cool. Don’t worry about it.” The guy at the desk was introduced to me as Asian Dan. He looked up at me, exasperated, “It’s just Dan.” He continued to carefully shake powder onto the scale. Sean walked into the room and there was a slight shuffle through wallets as he and Mike produced $37 each and handed it over. Dan handed Mike the first packet and he prepped it on the edge of Sean’s glass desk before unceremoniously leaning over and doing the line. Sean leaned over me to dig around under his bed before puling a mirror out from the depths. Dan handed him his share of the MDMA and Sean went into the bathroom with the mirror only emerging to ask if anyone had a dollar. I said I did but he ignored me in favor of Mike’s bill. It felt strange that he went to do the line in private. I can’t help but think it was for my benefit. I don’t think he has any qualms about doing drugs in front of his friends or even Geoff who’d wandered in at some point. It was me that he didn’t want to see him do that. I wish he’d stayed. I have almost this sick fascination with watching Sean tear his life apart. I’ve seen people do hard drugs in the past but not anyone I care about. I wanted to try and fit the image in my memories of the boy who I’ve always looked suspiciously similar to. The families that we both resemble are not the ones that are at all related but our coloring is the same along with face shape and the way we hold ourselves. Watching Sean do a line is the closest I’d ever get to watching myself do one. I kind of wondered what Sean would say if I’d thrown money down and asked for a line of my own.

I left soon after this, too soon to watch the drugs take hold. His pupils were slightly dilated but neither Sean nor Mike showed signs of being high. Mike sneezed several times eventually saying that he might be allergic to this stuff but not to worry, it wouldn’t stop him from doing it again. My dad called my name from downstairs the same way he’s done since I was young. I said goodbye to the guys and Sean grabbed me in a hug, same as he’s done since we were both so young. I couldn’t help but think that we weren’t that young any more. I wanted to drag him into the hallway and make him tell me that he was the same boy who’d stood next to me laughing at my dad’s wedding and who’d laid next to me under the star covered comforter that had covered his bed when we were kids, the same boy who’d always made sure the rocket ship waited for me even as Geoff urged them to leave before the dragon got there. But I know it would be useless. He’d shrug and give me that half smile that mirrors my own and tell me in that jaded way of his that he’s never really been that boy and he would never be mine again.

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

We can never just have a quiet night out. Penny and I met Glen for a drink last night as we haven’t seen him in a while. He suggested that ‘Spoons in Baker Street so we met him there. We got curries for dinner and had a couple of drinks, just catching up. Glen always has the best drunk stories. And telling him our’s revealed that Penny and I are bigger sluts than we previously thought. I made out with this guy Reese last friday because Penny was making out with his friend. Turns out, Penny was making out with his friend because I’d been making out with this guy Tom. It was the sluttiest circle ever. Anyways, we chatted for a bit and then it was almost midnight and all three of us had classes this morning so we decided to head home. Glen went to the bathroom before we left and that’s when our night started to unravel. While he was in the bathroom he met this guy, a guy from Minnesota, which yes, is exactly as sketchy as it sounds. So, this guy, Stevo, had just been hired by Apple as a buyer. He is currently a buyer for Ford and wanted to, and I quote, “binge drink” as it was his last night in the country. His aunt was with him. Granted, his aunt, Susan, was about 40 something but it was still hilarious. So, Stevo and I played rock, paper, scissors to see if we were going to keep drinking with them. I lost. Ford was apparently facilitating the rest of the evening for us. I should point out that he was already wasted. And tall. Both Stevo and Susan were over 6 feet tall. It was ridiculous. The pub was closing so Pen and I decided to bring them to Big Chill because we knew it should still be open. We kept looking at each other on the tube there going, “What is happening?!” We get there and discover that Thursday is apparently a real night for Big Chill now. The doors on the right were open (they’re normally only open on the weekends) and Toff and the bouncer who’s name we’re not sure we know were standing outside. We greeted them with the normal hugs and kisses and led the way inside. Sherlock was behind the bar and I bounced up to tell him what was going on. Penny ordered us single vodka lemonades and waters. Stevo ordered Long Island Iced Teas for the rest of them.

One tiny detail that I’d completely forgotten about Big Chill is that they don’t take American credit cards. You need to have a chip and pin or cash. I’ve gotten away with it because Sherlock knows he can track me down if he needs to. I got a table and watched the drama at the bar unfold feeling increasing bad for Sherlock. Susan ended up paying for the drinks and Stevo made new friends while standing at the bar and everyone else came and sat down with me. David was DJ-ing so the music was really good and there was an attractive set of guys walking around but we knew we couldn’t do anything. Stevo sat down eventually and this guy walked up with him, older and with the shiny wedding ring on his left hand. He was a South African. There was a group of them he said as he hit on me. I found myself physically unable to stop staring at his left hand. Stevo turned to him at one point and goes, “She’s single.” I turned to him, slightly outraged, and went, “Why do you think that?” We hadn’t discussed anything remotely related to that so I was a bit shocked. Stevo goes, “Well, you were holding my hand earlier and all that.” Right. I’d like to point out that I hadn’t even walked next to him let alone been close enough to hold his hand. Gotta love drunk guys. At one point, I walked over to the wall that Simon had signed. It’s his full name and then a set of nicknames under it. I’ve never really looked at those before and that last one made me go drag Penny over and make her read it. She walks over and I point to the wall where Simon has messily written the words, “AKA vampiro communisto”. Penny fell over. She was literally laying on the booth next to us laughing before she remembered that she knows what happens in that booth and got up. Story of my fucking life, people.

So, the night continues in this way full of stories with waaaay too much information from Susan and crude attempts to hit on me from Stevo. I’d briefed Adam when we first got there and he walked by at point during the night and I made him come hug me. I asked him how he was and he goes, “Tonight was supposed to be the night I end my sexual drought and I was supposed to meet her an hour ago so I’m really frustrated right now.” He walks away and I almost cried I laughed so hard. I could barely stop laughing long enough to tell Penny what he’d said. I sat back down next to Stevo and he turns to me and goes, “Does he want to fuck you?” This only made me laugh harder. Stevo had told me the passcode for his iPhone so I decided to make sure he experienced England fully and fraped him with a status about a newly acquired STD. So amazing. He was not overly impressed. Eventually, the lights come up as Stevo comes back with a last round of drinks. Penny and I exchange horrified looks and clink glasses. I ended up having to drink half of her drink because she’d been drinking since about 2 PM when she went out with her course mates. There were a few guys standing in front of us wearing All Blacks shirts. Penny starts arguing with them about Cricket and one of them, Paul, sits down to talk to us. Penny gets up after a few minutes to go apologize/explain things to Sherlock and leaves me with the in-school-to-be-a-personal-trainer-actually-an-Irishmen Paul who had very pretty eyes. Penny comes back eventually and we start saying our goodbyes. Adam was nowhere to be found which is in no way surprising. We shuffle outside and Paul says something about kebabs and suddenly we’re standing in the island in the middle of King’s Cross Road trying to cross. I have no idea what was happening. We do eventually make it across to the kebab shop and Glen pops in to buy one. We stood outside and mocked Paul’s lack of a six pack. We probably wouldn’t have done it if he hadn’t been so offended by it. So funny. He was drunk and got a bit handsy so we eventually sent him on his way. Of course, Stevo kept talking about how he should come home with us. Penny said something at one point and Paul goes, “Whichever of you is sleeping with her tonight, high five!” Penny turns to me and we enthusiastically high fived. Crying. So hilarious. Eventually, Susan and Stevo had to get back to Southwark so they said their goodbyes as well. Susan picked both Penny and I up when she hugged us and we promised to add her on facebook.

Glen, Penny, and I walked back to the flat after stopping to get chicken trying not to contemplate how early Glen and I had to be awake in the morning. Penny put Miranda on and we watched an episode before heading to bed. Penny caught a cold from Candance last week and while we laid in bed we whined about how we could feel the illness start to effect us. I had to be in Richmond for class this morning at 10:30 AM. We went to bed somewhere around 3:30 AM. I got maybe an hour of sleep. Penny and I both tossed and turned and rearranged ourselves a million times without actually falling asleep until my alarm went off at 8. I showered and got dressed realising that I would have to go home before I went to class to get my computer. I knocked on Glen’s door before I left around 8:45 and said, “Don’t you have a class at nine.” After a few seconds he answers, “… Maybe.” I said bye to Penny and dragged myself onto the tube. I feel vaguely like I’m dying. I’m unbelievably excited to go home and nap forever. We talked so, so early in the night about how every time we try and go out for just one drink or if we plan to go out for just a little bit we end up walking home at 7 AM holding our shoes with no idea what happened. This apparently is the golden rule of our lives. From now, I’m going to plan to get fucked up every time I leave the house. That way, it’ll never be able to creep up on me like this.

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

I don't know when we got it into our heads that we were supposed to be living that life. When we started expecting to be able to jump the queue, expected to be invited into the group with table service. There's this sense that we're better than somebody, anybody. It's the recognition in Sherlock's eyes and the fact that bartenders at more than one place give us preference every time. It's the surplus of alcohol in any drinks we order. I get a kick out of being seen with our bartenders and bouncers, the same way I enjoy being seen talking to Massimo around campus. He's attractive and European and if you're not listening to what he says he gives off this air of sophistication. I know the STABs think he's cute. I've seen them look at him. It's the way he dresses aka not like an American guy. He's in quality fabrics and the cut of his clothes are never unflattering. I look better for standing next to him and even more for having him tease me and beg me to go get coffee with him.  

It's vanity. That's what it is. I've never thought about that before. I thought about the word 'self-importance' but never vanity. I've become vain. The world that I exist in while in London has made me conscious of how I appear to others. It's made me want to appear a certain way, a way that projects confidence, sexual power, intelligence, and intrigue. Shahida gives off this energy that makes her a sexual target. It's part of the way that she moves her hips sometimes and the way she slowly raises one eyebrow to make a point. She spends more time looking down than I do, her nails and hair are both longer than mine with a certain sophistication to them. Penny walks into a room and everyone knows she's there. There's a confidence she gives off, a sense of fun and slightly understated sexiness that makes everyone want to talk to her. I know it comes partially from the fact that most people can literally look right over her but her warmth extends past compensating for her height. I feel as though I'm somewhere in between these two. I can flip the switch that allows me to appear sexy as easily as Shahida can but I don't feel comfortable doing that as often as she does. I don't assume that the guy looking in my direction is actually looking at me, the way I know she automatically feels. While I'm as friendly and loud (sometimes louder) than Penny I know that I don't give off the same laid back air as she does. Everything I do requires effort and I think it shows. I think people can see how badly I want them to like me, to actually listen to me when I speak. I'm too intense, I know that. While Penny slows situations down to make people feel comfortable I unconsciously speed them up. I talk too fast and think too fast and spend far too much time inside my head. I'm not as comfortable in my own skin as the other two appear. That's where the solo shots fit into my personality. That's where the sneaked cigarettes come into the picture. I know the other two have their own self-image issues and that they are not as confident as they appear but I think they are better at dealing with it then I ever will be.

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

"When I am lonely for boys it's their bodies I miss. I study their hands lifting the cigarettes . . . the slope of a shoulder, the angle of a hip. Looking at them sideways, I examine them in different lights. My love for them is visual; that is the part of them I would like to possess. Don't move, I think. Stay like that. Let me have that."- Margaret Atwood There are moments of clarity, of honesty, when the mask is lifted and a connection between two people can form. It's nothing lasting, nothing monumental. It's just conversation with a stranger in the dark of the night beyond the usual banter and witty bar lines. He was clearly exhausted. You could see it in his eyes with their long lashes, the perfect compliment to his sharp cheekbones and lean body. His body resisted the urge to slump leaving his posture military perfect even at that late hour. While his superiors harassed me, I scanned the crowd until I caught his eye. He looked beyond apologetic as he mouthed "Sorry" with a half shrug. After he arranged a rescue, we sat squished together against the window with the heavy table in front of us as a physical barrier from the chaos of the bar. I could feel his protective energy extended out around me. The fire of his earlier conversations seemed to have gone out of him. His phone rang a couple of times and he shuffled out from behind the table to take the calls outside. I assumed there was a girl on the other side of the phone, checking in and keeping him in line. I must have made some joke about it if only because I don't think I would flat ask who was calling him. It was someone calling to check in but not what I had originally thought. It was his dad, making sure he was alright. There wasn't a hint of embarrassment in his voice as he told me this.  I asked him why he had joined the army. He told me that when British troops were sent to Afghanistan he wanted to do his patriotic duty. There was nothing ironic in the way he said this. I knew from the argument we'd had over the loud music of the first club that he was intelligent, informed, and aware of the political implications of warfare. This is what made this response odd. I hadn't expected such a sense of duty or air of chivalry from him. I didn't even know people still had feelings like that. He was as argumentative as me, maybe more. Opinionated and outspoken and irreverent, he didn't appear to have a personality suited to the military. I pointed this out to him, asking how he managed in an environment based on so much discipline. He explained that it wasn't that difficult once you realised that the respect accorded to those who outranked you wasn't for the man himself but the position. I didn't really understand it at the time but I think now it's the way that even if you didn't vote for a president or agree with his policies, you still stand when he enters the room.  The more I contemplate this boy, the more I am overwhelmed with a feeling of chivalry. There's no other way for me to describe his decisions. Not chivalry in the romantic sense but in the sense of a world where the rules are dictated by duty and loyalty. I don't think I've ever encountered something so pure. There was almost an innocence to James that struck me to the bone. Later, we sat on the steps of the Oxford Circus tube entrance basking in the heat streaming through the gates from the lamps within. It was the first time I'd seen him in direct light and he looked all of his 19 years, maybe  even younger. This was his first time in London, his first time in any city of that size. I asked him what he thought about it and he said, "It's bigger than I thought it would be." He'd thought a moment before answering and again I was overwhelmed with his honesty. Sitting on those dirty steps with his knees pulled to his chest and his arms wrapped around himself he looked like so very much like a boy. There's a very large part of me that can't believe that these are the ones we send to fight, to kill and be killed.  

I sat next to him on those cold, dirty steps. My heels were lined up next to me as we both sat with our knees pulled to our chests sitting close in an attempt to keep warm. Light streamed through the gate, the only source of warmth in the freezing pre-dawn night. It was quiet and still, a rarity in a part of the city that during the day epitomized the word bustling. The bright lighting illuminated his sharp cheekbones and the long lashes that cast shadows on his face. "So," I asked him, "what do you think of London?" It was his first time in the city that made my soul sing. He paused a moment to think and then looked up at me with a  small smile, "It's bigger than I expected." He was young, only 19, and looked younger with the exhaustion clearly visible in his face and the sincerity of his smile. It's a good thing I don't watch the news much as it is. I don't think I could handle seeing that face lined up next to footage of coffins being shipped home. This young, passionate, patriotic boy (I shy away from the word man as it doesn't seem to fit that face I spent the night memorizing) is the face of war today. I know plenty of Americans in the military but none that I've ever been close to. There are guys I spent years in school with that joined up without me feeling even a twinge of fear. I'd never spent time as much time with them as I did with James in one night. I'd never had any sort of honest conversation with them. I'd never connected to them the way I did with that English boy that sat next to me in the cold air of a London night. 

Rhodri is another one I connected with initially through an argument, a spirited debate about American football and even more inexplicably American politics that got us forced out of the pub into the cold October air. The moment that sticks out about this boy is one I'd forgotten all about until someone reminded me. My hair had been pulled back into a ponytail that night. Some time into what had turned into a very long walk to Twickenham I pulled it loose and shook my hair free. I moved to pull it back up and Rhodri placed his hand on mine and said, "Leave it down. It looks good like that." I could tell by his face he was being sincere, there was no ulterior motive. This wasn't a line. I could feel the hum of the connection between us as we walked side by side down that deserted street with only the streetlamps illuminating us and only the sounds of our best friends filling our ears.

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

Innuendo Jenga

As it was my last day, I met up with Glen yesterday so I could see him before I left. We met at a 'Spoons in Baker Street in the afternoon and Shahida met us there. He had a concert so we couldn't hang out all night. That didn't prevent Glen from trying his damnedest to get us all wasted. I had a Pimm's before he got there (he was really late) and when Shahida arrived she got a pitcher for the two of us. So, every time Glen would get up to get another beer he'd come back with another pitcher. If I didn't love him so much I'd kill him. It was really awesome to hang out with him. I haven't seen him since before he went to Japan last term. I found out he's also considering law school and so will be taking the LSATs. I'm  so excited to have someone to study/freak out with. He's getting a house with four other guys from Richmond in the fall in West Ken. That house is going to be disgusting but the parties will be epic. Glen's going to the States in August and he might come to Chicago to check out a grad school (some psychology school). I would be so excited. By August I'm going to be so ready to be back in London that anything from there will make me freak out. I will seriously hug him forever. And then enjoy getting wasted with him.  Eventually, he had to go to his concert so Shahida and I headed back to the flat. We were having dinner with Myles and we got home a half hour before he was supposed to get there. Penny had been cramming for an exam but she came to dinner with us. We just went to the Japanese place down the street. It's actually bad how good the food is there. And it's so not expensive. Afterwards, Penny had to get back to studying so the remaining three of us went to Big Chill.  

Sherlock was working and in rare form. I don't think I've seen him in that good a mood in a long time. He has a bruise on his forehead right now that I asked him about on Saturday but as he yelled the answer over the bar at me when it was crowded as hell I had no idea what he said. I asked again and he goes, "I told you!" before explaining. He ran into a pole. It was like connected to an awning or something and right above eye level so he didn't see it. It's not his fault, he said, it was the person who built the pole. Uh huh, Sherlock. Sure. We were trying to figure out what to order and Shahida says, "Three mojitos?" I thought about but shook my head. "D'you know what I really want?", I said, and Sherlock answers from across the bar, "A Big Chill Punch?" My jaw dropped. The fucker. Yes, that it was I want and oh my God, do I come here too often. We settled on mojitos anyway, as it was Myles's round. Sherlock asked if I wanted the recipe for Big Chill Punch and I said no, but I did want him to teach me how to make a mojito before I went home. That was a mistake. Jesus, is that boy a smart ass. He treated it as a cooking show, making sure to be overly obvious about everything he did. I coulda killed him. At one point, I said that I wished I had a camera. He would be a YouTube legend. Sherlock responded with, "There's enough of me on YouTube already." As Penny said when I told her this: challenge accepted. 

Our drinks were eventually finished after more of Sherlock being a smart ass and a brief ice fight when I got sick of him so we found a table to sit at which just happened to have Jenga on it. We played it as a drinking game. The person to lose had to do a shot. I suck an unbelievable amount at Jenga. And the more I lost, predictably, the worse I got. Something I never knew about Jenga, it is an unbelievably suggestive game. We ended up calling it innuendo Jenga. Think about it, "Wow, that's a tight fit." "You're really good with your fingers." "No, push it the other way." "You have to move it around a bit more." Hilarious. At one point Myles goes, "Is it bad if I'm getting turned on by this game alone?" I'm gonna go with no, considering the horrible thoughts I was having about that boy's fingers. Seriously, it was like porn watching him play this game.  I lost the first game and Shahida bought me a shot of Ketel One. Myles lost the next one and was subjected to a shot of vodka followed by Shahida having to do tequila. I lost three games in a row and thus was faced by three full shot glasses of Smirnoff. I was staring at them a bit horrified and Sherlock is standing behind the bar going, "Shots are meant to be shooted! Fucking drink them already!" I don't think he's ever actually sworn at me. I was dying of laughter. I did them (and oh Jesus, is it going to be awhile before I can do another shot) and when I looked up through my grimace Sherlock smiled wide, "Brav-fucking-o!".  

We played one more game that I lost and then Myles had to take off so he could catch a train home. We stood up and he hugged me hard with one hand in my hair. I reached up and kissed him on the cheek and hugged him one more time. I can't believe he won't be there when I get back. I seriously almost teared up. I can't put into words how much I'm going to miss him.  Shahida went to the bathroom after he left and she said she'd buy me a Big Chill Punch so I walked up to the bar. I ordered, making sure that it was Sherlock who had to make the drink. He hates making cocktails. He said it was ok this time, though, because it was the last one he'd have to make in a while. Shahida came back and paid and we sat down again. We talked for awhile, mostly about how I did not want to leave and how much I'm going to miss Myles. Eventually, it was time to leave. I said goodbye to the bartenders and Sherlock walked around the bar to hug me goodbye. He's never done that before. Fuck, am I going to miss him. After he hugged me he goes, "See you in August!" and then waves at Shahida and says, "See you tomorrow" with his trademark smirk. Magnus caught me on the way out and gave me a big hug and said goodbye. It really kind of kills me how many bartenders I have actual substantial friendships with. Arthuro had been there when we got there and he greeted us and when I said I was leaving the next day he hugged me hard and kissed me on the cheek one more time, telling me to take care of myself.  We stopped for chicken on the way home and I'm pretty sure the chicken guy told me to have a good summer. Oh yeah! He definitely did. At least he didn't hug me too, that would have been too much to handle. He settled for a handshake over the counter. I was pretty drunk by the time we got home. Shahida put The West Wing in and we spent about an hour trying to figure when Donna slept with the guy from Ways and Means, finally giving up and watching the next episode. I dozed off towards the end so we went to bed after that. 

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

Down the Rabbit Hole

Last night was seriously insane. I'm past the point where I can even be concerned with how well we now know the Big Chill bar staff. We now literally know every bouncer by name and are greeted with hugs from all but one of them. We've started to get to know even the new bartenders and some of the older ones have started comping drinks and making them before we've gotten the chance to order. Something upset me last night to the point where I slightly broke my phone by chucking it at a wall outside a tube station. My immediate thought was that I wanted to go to Big Chill. Penny was hanging out with Arjun, a guy who graduated from my uni and was now getting his MA from her's, and I texted her to tell her that that's where I was going. I figured if I was going to be drinking alone I might as well drink alone with bartenders I know serving me. I hadn't eaten since that afternoon and the sandwich I'd had then was the first thing I'd eaten since the afternoon before that. I met Penny and Arjun at what used to be Ruby Lounge but is now a surprisingly nice B@1. We did a shot of Frangelico and walked to Big Chill. Magnus was waxing the bar when we walked in and a way-more-drunk-then-me Penny took over for him. Arjun looked seriously confused at how well we knew him. We got drinks and I quickly caught up with her and Arjun's drunkenness. Sherlock was there eventually and he walked by me as I chanted "Sherlock, hold me." He was in no way paying attention, thank god. I talked to him about his birthday and it was surprisingly non-awkward. I didn't sound creepy at all which is always exciting. When we got there, I'd texted Taffy and told him to come down because I was upset and Pen was wasted. Right before he got there, my card got declined during my round (which is insane because I literally went to a cashpoint and got more than I'd been trying to charge out). But Penny ran home to grab cash anyways and Taffy walked in right after she walked out. My phone being fucked is not a good thing as Taffy had responded to my text but I hadn't gotten it until this morning. He'd been, and I quote, "in jammies and a mess." He wasn't going to come over but when I didn't respond to that he figured he should come find me. He's my favorite human alive. So, he walked into Big Chill and gave me a giant hug. Arjun looked uncomfortable with the presence of another attractive guy and went outside to smoke after a while. Penny came back and handed me a thing of chips from the chicken place. She knew I needed to eat something so had stopped to get them for me. I offered them to Taffy and he said no and I offered them to the bartenders and Sherlock took a handful and then goes, "You can't have those in here," around his mouthful of chips. A minute later he takes more and says, "You seriously can't." He's hilarious. Whoah. I just had a flashback to me feeding Magnus a chip. That's amazing.  

So, we're just chilling with Taffy after Arjun left (without saying goodbye to me I'd like to add) and this newer bartender, Rob, got off a bit before they closed. He changed and was drinking a beer while standing next to me at the bar flipping through an Evening Standard someone had left there. We've met before but he also looks confused when I try to talk to him so I leaned over and re-introduced myself with, "It's Rob, isn't it?" We talked for awhile as we finished our drinks. God, he's attractive. He's totally a type though. I knew he was a musician without him saying anything (his facebook confirmed it). He just looks like one. The first time I saw him, I told the person I was with that he looked like he had Andrew Garfield's hipster personality and he totally does. He's one of those rare hipster types that isn't actually a hipster though. He just looks like one with none of the attitude. I asked him what he does and he said he's bartender. I said, "Yeah, but like what's your goal beyond that?" Basically, I wanted to know what his non-day job is. He looked slightly away and said, "I don't wanna talk about my goals," before taking a sip of his beer. He asked me what I did and we talked for a bit about my uni. I told him about my summer (have no idea why) and I said something about how handcuffs are surprisingly heavy. He said he knows, he's worn them before. I was expecting either another ominous silence or some drunken story. Instead, I got a hilarious story about his hijinks as a 5 year old and the tragedy that followed when he managed to lose the keys. He lives in Bromley with his parents still which I always forget isn't weird here at all. His sister lived at home until she was 27 because she was in university for forever getting two degrees, one in biochemistry and one in medicine. I told him then about George going to uni for medicine and how hilarious his name would be with "Dr." in front of it. I didn't feel awkward talking about George with him. I didn't even get distracted by the fact that I'd brought him up. It was a quick mention, a short anecdote. I really like this guy Rob (even if I feel like I've seen him with a girlfriend like character). He's chill and I felt comfortable talking to him, which doesn't happen very often.  

So, eventually he has to leave or he's going to miss his train and so we hugged awkwardly because he was standing at the bar and I was sitting on a barstool and neither of us like turned the right way. It was kind of bad but whatever. As he left, the bar was closing and Sherlock walked into the room behind the bar he disappears into from time to time. And Penny followed him. I was watching this in like slow motion. I literally had one arm stretched out to try and stop her. I decided the only logical step here would be to follow the two of them into what I'd always assumed was Sherlock's office. It is not an office. It's a rather small room where they count money. It is literally a money counting room. As soon as I stepped behind the bar I was struck by a feeling of falling down the rabbit hole. It was seriously surreal being on the other side of the bar. Apparently, when Penny first walked into the room Sherlock looked at her and said, "You can't be in here, you're going to steal all our monies!" Penny responded with, "I gave you most of that." Sherlock gave a bark of a laugh and shrugged, she had a point. After I walked in, we stood there for a minute or so and I'm not really sure why we decided to leave. It was crowded with all three of us in there and Sherlock was smiling wide as he said goodnight and we backed out the way we came.  

The night ended with a quick debriefing session outside with Taffy as Magnus made faces at us through the glass. We discussed how funny it is watching tourists wander around with that confused look on their faces and repaired our karma by asking this poor Canadian girl where she was trying to get. Penny and I said goodnight to Taffy and walked her to the Clink before collapsing on the couch at home. Penny woke me up around 10:30 as she had to get to class. Both of us were still a little drunk. I really need to start eating. All in all, it was totally the night I needed. I love Taffy to death and I'm excited to be in a place where I can talk to Rob on a regular basis. The best part though is totally us being behind the bar. So, so amazing. 

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

Halloween 2011: the Three Day Saga

'm not sure entirely how we survived Halloween weekend. Being in Jules's house was unbelievably strange. It was almost like when we ended up behind the bar at Big Chill. We were suddenly somewhere we never thought we'd actually be. His house is on the small side but cozy. The walls are covered in pictures of baby Jules and his little brother, and the dogs they grew up with. Jules's room is one the third floor away from the other two bedrooms. In one corner there's a giant TV and his single bed sits in the centre of the room. There aren't any posters on the wall but on his nightstand behind a stack of Tom Clancy novels is a picture of a middle aged man who Jules clearly resembles. Under the picture is a name, two dates (the second one being in January of 2009) and then the words "the Celebration of a Life". Jules's dad is dead. He died almost a year before we met him and the first we knew anything about it was from that picture on his nightstand. Penny and I were immediately aware that we couldn't bring this up, not then. Instead we teased him about his baby face and I wondered to myself about the acoustic guitar sitting at the top of the staircase. There were pictures in the hallway of Jules's football team when he was a kid and Penny laughed out loud as she pointed out a very, very blonde baby George among the group.  

Jules was a good host as he stayed with us when we first got there and introduced us to some people before continuing to circulate. We ended up outside in the garden smoking with a group of people we introduced ourselves to based entirely on the smell of the weed they were smoking. I was talking to the guy next to me for a while. He was tall, solidly built, with dark hair and a nice smile. He asked how we knew Jules and I found myself rambling about how we were among his first friends in the country. As I said this, a lightbulb went on in both mine and Penny's heads. Something just clicked and she threw herself towards my ear to go, "That is definitely Jay. That is definitely Jules's little brother." I pretty much died. I asked him if that was indeed who he was and he said yeah. We then had a nice chat about Esam and the rest of the Dubai boys and George being ridiculous and some slight Jules mockery. We'd been talking for a bit and he's cute enough that I'd started flirting at some point. I hadn't even realised I was doing it until Penny threw herself at me for the second time and whispered frantically in my ear, "You CAN'T hook up with Jules's brother!" I immediately threw myself backwards. Thank god she said something. I totally might've ended up hooking up with Jay just out of habit or instinct if Penny hadn't brought me back to reality.  

At some point, I ended up very, very high. High enough that I was no longer making sense and had no idea. I couldn't understand why people just kept leaving in the middle of conversations or why Penny kept walking up and asking how I was drunker than her. I wasn't drunk so this just confused the hell out of me. Considering I apparently couldn't talk I was incredibly clear headed. I got it into my head that I wanted to text George. I haven't drunk texted George in months and months. Since probably March, actually, but I was sitting in Jules's house talking about Greenwich with his little brother and I wished he'd been able to make it so I texted him something stupid. I called him "sweets" in the text which is bizarre as I've never called him that. "Babe": yes. "Sweets": never. The important thing about this text though is that it wouldn't send. I thought that was weird as I knew I had credit. I tested to make sure it wasn't my phone by sending a text to Penny that just said "hey" and nothing else. I then sent the same one to Clayton to double check it wasn't my phone (he's one of the first people in my phonebook). They both went through. I have absolutely no idea how I came up with the idea that this meant he'd changed his number but I did. I asked Jules for his phone and frantically scrolled through his contacts. I reached George's number and compared it with the one in my phone. They were different. I'm assuming that this is the point where I threw my phone but I can't actually be sure. Everything got a bit blurry. Again, I'm also assuming I either went and got Penny or she saw me or something but we ended up sitting in Jay's room because the door to Jules's room was locked. Penny held me as I tried to figure out what the hell was going on and why the fuck George would change his number without telling me. He'd had the same phone since he met him. He'd brought it from Dubai. It was a scratched up white phone that I'd had in my pocket for a bit that night in September. It felt like the ultimate slap in the face.  

Jules came upstairs at one point and stuck his head into the room. He handed me my phone which he'd put back together and sat next to Penny on the bed. Penny asked him if he knew what had happened that night in September. He awkwardly nodded his head looking uneasy as he said, "Kind of." I sat up and said the words I never wanted to say to Jules, "I told George that I was more than a little in love him." Jules sighed and looked away before turning to me and saying, "There's this girl, Seren-" Cue me collapsing back onto the bed with a cry of despair. When George had first mentioned an ex-girlfriend I'd immediately assumed it was Seren even though he'd never mentioned her and there was no explicit proof they'd ever dated. There are a handful of pictures of them together on facebook but none of them are even that couple-y but I just had a gut feeling. Penny had been trying to talk me out of this assumption for awhile and I'd admitted that it was insane. This obviously didn't stop it from being true. Jules had stopped talking when I freaked out so we didn't really get the story. I wasn't really in the state to realise that it I wanted to know what had actually happened I would need to let him talk. He left a bit after that to make sure no one had tried to burn his house down while he'd been talking to us and Jay walked in a bit later. 

He'd originally tried to back out as soon as he opened his door but we figured that since it was his room he could know what was going on. Penny literally stuck her finger in my ear as I laid with my head in her lap and she caught Jay up on the entire situation. She figured I didn't need to listen to it all over again. This is the part of the night that made us fall in love with Jay. As much as we love George and Jules and they're some of our best friends we never talk about anything real. There is so much they've never told us, things that we've had to suss out of off-handed comments and a truly disgusting amount of facebook stalking. Their communication skills are non-existant, both of them. Jay was much more of an open book. We told him about this lack of communication and he said that's just how they are. He lives five meters from Jules and talks to him once a week, maybe. He won't hear from George for months and then he'll come home one day and just find him chilling in his house (George hadn't been lying when he said he usually arrived unannounced). We told Jay that Jules had never mentioned his dad dying in any way, shape, or form and Jay actually talked about. He told us how hard it had been on Jules and how they had the same mannerisms, etc. We were talking about we really need some confirmation from these boys that we are indeed friends and Jay shook his head at us and said they clearly care about us. They talk about us all the time. So many of their stories involve us. That was unbelievably comforting to hear considering the actually horrible amount of time we spend talking about them.  

This portion of the conversation, however, is where things became complicated. Penny said something about how they randomly show they care like how touched she was when Jules suited up for her birthday. Jay laughed at this and said, "Oh yeah! When Jules's girlfriend left for uni at the end of the summer he took her out for this fancy dinner and suited up and everything." Penny and I just froze. We said we didn't know he had a girlfriend this summer and Jay goes, "Yeah, my mom said she's a lovely girl." I knew Jules had had something this summer. There were pictures of him and a girl and some wall posts back and forth but we figured it was just a fling or they were just screwing around. He'd never changed his relationship status and I'd talked to him a lot this summer without him mentioning her. We had no idea it had been that serious. However, beyond being annoyed that Jules hadn't mentioned a girlfriend because it's yet another example of him keeping important things from us there was another reason this was a particularly horrifying piece of information. That day in September was the 7th/8th. When did this girl leave for uni? Did they actually break up or what? Was Jules in a relationship with someone when he hooked up with Penny (a lot)? Penny left the room and this point and told me not to follow her. She was sitting in the dark hallway with her legs straight out in front of her, just breathing. I left her alone and she came back in a few minutes later looking much calmer than I would've been.  The conversation continued, shifting away from the more serious topics as some of Jay's friends walked in to chill with us. They'd run out of tobacco so Jay rolled a pure joint instead of their usual spliffs. Jay took a hit before handing it to me telling me it was really strong. I rolled my eyes and brought the joint to my lips. I laughed as I exhaled out of Jay's window per his request. Strong, my ass. They are so bad about their weed here. I felt nothing and as my earlier high had faded by then it was clearly not that strong. I passed it to Penny and she agreed with me. This guy Cesar asked a few minutes later if we "felt it yet" and we both laughed. Penny had been gradually taking over Jay's bed during this time. She'd slipped off her shoes and scooted back until she was leaning against the headboard with the blanket pulled up to her chin. Eventually, I'd followed suit as it had gotten chilly with the window open. At one point, I'd started coughing and had to run and grab my inhaler from my bag in Jules's room. 

There'd been a giant group of people sitting on his bed including a couple that had clearly been using it for other purposes  at some point. This was strange as I'd had to grab Jules to unlock the door in the first place but I wasn't in the mood to ask. I'd put my inhaler down on Jay's nightstand next to the jewelry I'd taken off. Penny and I had basically decided that we were sleeping in Jay's bed. He said that was cool as long as he had a spot on the floor he'd be fine. This plan went down the drain as that guy Cesar started snoring. He'd passed out on the end of the bed. They had to wake him up when they had to move the bed to get my phone from where I'd dropped it behind the headboard (I literally just dropped it there. I have no idea how I did it) and they could barely get him to open his eyes. Someone went downstairs and Penny told them to grab Jules for us.  

Jules came upstairs and Penny asked him if he knew "anywhere comfy" for us to crash. He said we could sleep in his mom's room and led us to the bedroom across the hall opening the door as he said, "I'll be crashing with you guys too, by the way." and walked upstairs. Penny called after him for shirts for us to sleep in. He came back downstairs with his hands full of old football jerseys. Jules is not a small guy. He's got to be close to 6' and is solidly built. This apparently didn't factor into his choice of sleepwear. He SO owns bigger shirts than the ones he gave us. Stupid 19 year old boy. Penny and I deck-changed while Jules just stripped for bed. I'm glad I'd anticipated our sleep arrangements and worn boy short underwear under my costume. I put my phone down on the night stand and climbed into the middle of the queen sized bed. This was an intentional choice as I wanted to be between Penny and Jules for all of our sakes. Penny finished changing and told me to move over. I figured it would be more awkward to explain that no, I was staying in the middle, so moved to the far end of the bed. I was wrong. Jules climbed into bed and switched the light off. It had been a really long night and we were all exhausted. I don't even know what time it was and as the time changed at 2 AM or something like that no one really knew. We all laid there and chanted "Bed, bed, bed, bed, bed." as we tried to get comfortable. I eventually fell asleep but was woken up by the sound o something. I wasn't really conscious of anything at that point but my unconscious mind was apparently on top of things. Jules and Penny were making out roughly four centimeters to my left. According to Penny, I rolled over and went, "Guys!" and they pulled apart. 

None of us got much sleep at all. Penny was hot so she got up every ten minutes. I was freezing. At one point my teeth were actually chattering. I had all of the blankets, too, I'd like to point out. Jules is a light sleeper so every time Penny or I said anything to each other he'd be awake and murmuring a response. Jules and I both snore and at one point we were both snoring while Penny laid between us wanting to die. Luckily, she knows that I only really snore when I screw my breathing up by sleep with my arm on my face so she just moved my arm so I shut up at least. Penny got up at one point and I decided that I was going to sleep next to Jules the radiator because I was sick of being cold. Penny came back and literally laid on top of me in the middle of the bed while I explained that I was freezing. She goes, "Do you want me to hold you?" I was too cold to turn her down so I rolled back over to my side of the bed and for not the first time in our friendship got to be the little spoon. I couldn't help but hope that this was the moment Jules decided to roll over and look at us. A little bit after that our alarms started going off. Well, the church across the street started ringing it's bells and I thought it was Penny's alarm. Then my phone went off where I'd left it on the nightstand next to Jules. Then Penny's phone actually went off. She got up to go the bathroom and actually start waking up. I rolled over and curled up next to Jules. According to her, she walked back in and almost took a picture of us because of how adorable we were. We were were matching matching yellow Liverpool jerseys and were sleeping curled up towards each other. She got me up and as soon as we were both of of bed Jules rolled over and spread out across the bed with a groan. He was laying facedown with a giant grin on his face he tried to get any rest.  

Penny and I wandered around the house collecting our stuff, including out shoes and hats that had been left in Jay's room. The lights were still on and Cesar was still passed out. Penny had overheard a conversation earlier about a girl having slept in the garden and the duvet was still out there when we'd walked by. We finally were ready to go after Jules's phone rang. His mom was waking him up and watching him mutter into the phone 75% asleep is the single cutest thing I've ever seen. I don't know what it is with these boys when they're sleepy. George has never been more adorable than the morning we crept out and he laid there with his eyes mostly closed going "Hug me, hug me" as we said goodbye. Penny and I awkwardly hugged Jules where he laid and ventured into the early morning sun. It was a gorgeous morning, not too cold and bright out. We walked towards the bus stop that would bring us back to Richmond where we could catch the tube. We were across the street from the bus stop and just kind of strolling in awe of the night we'd just had. As we did this, the bus we needed drove straight past us. It was a really good moment for us. We both just stood there going, "... Fuck."   

We sat at the bus stop for ten minutes waiting for the next bus. We must have looked like the ultimate walks of shame. Penny's coat covered her costume but she was holding her Cat in the Hat hat/ears. I was in my costume holding my hat with hair an absolute mess because I'd worn it curly the night before and then slept on it. We must've reeked of weed, alcohol, and boy. Penny reminded me of the whole "made out with Jules" thing and I had a minor heart attack. I was so mad and upset at her and Jules and especially at George but I was so tired that I couldn't even really be angry. I was, I knew that, but I was too tired and slightly hungover to really be feeling it. Out bus came and we continued to bemoan the events of the last evening until we got back to Richmond. We stopped to get McDonald's and it was incredibly unsatisfying. We were both such wrecks of emotion. Exhaustion, anger, frustration, sadness, and dread were all mashed up in my still slightly foggy from the amount I'd smoked the night before brain. We got on the Tube and halfway home, Penny shared her epiphany about the fact that they'd been IN HIS MOTHER'S BED. It's too perverse for words. We must have been amusing as hell to everyone else on this train however. We got home eventually (I will never doubt Jules's love again) and we both showered and I put my costume back on. I ditched the knee socks I'd been wearing the night before and Penny changed into her sailor costume. Redoing the intricate Mad Hatter eye makeup I'd been wearing was miserable knowing that it was so early in the morning. I grabbed my short black jacket and Penny ate some leftover Chinese food before we headed out into the grey London morning.  

The weather was too mild for the end of October as we walked to Russell Square. We got to where we were meeting and there was a group of people in costumes that we were assuming were a part of Adam's thing but we didn't recognize anyone. Penny called Adam and when he didn't pick up she called Sean. Sean was waaaasted. He literally could barely talk. He's sitting on the phone with Penny going, "Adam! Adam! Talk for Sean!" Too fucking funny. They eventually got there and the group of thirty drunk people in costumes covered in fake blood was indeed the group we were going to Church with. Adam was dressed as a giant baby covered in fake blood. Sean was some sort of pumpkin faces phantom in what was going to be a boiling hot costume complete with mask. They introduced us to their roommate Michelle, dressed as an evil blood covered Alice in Wonderland. The group of us must have looked terrifying. There was Glenn dressed as clown, two Spanish guys in tiger onesis, a crazed surgeon, and a devil among a ton of other freaky costumes. Normally, going to where we were going wouldn't take that long but as it was a weekend the tubes had to be fucked up. We had to take two different tubes and a bus. We lost have the group and then found them again and we all ended up dominating the upper part of a double decker bus. It was genuinely hilarious. I wish I hadn't been so tired so we could have drank with all of them but I just couldn't do it. After various hilarious bus escapades, we got to the Church. This club is insane. Everyone was dressed up as we handed over our tickets and walked into this giant old theatre. There was a main stage covered in Australian flags. The bar was chaotic as people handed over drink vouchers and received multiple drinks at a time. You have to buy in bulk. It was too funny for words. The music was old rock favorites and things anyone could dance to, completely unpretentious. They had cameras that took pictures of people on the dance floor and threw them up onto a screen on the main stage with captions like "Cheer if you want to see my tits!". Some of the women who ended up on the screen laughed and turned away, A good number obliged, especially as the afternoon progressed. 

Eventually, the entertainement portion of the day started. By "entertainment", by the way, I mean strippers. First, there was a girl stripper and the crowd turned to face the stage the men whistling and the women roaring with laughter. Sean couldn't even watch and turned away, embarrassed. It was too adorable for words. After her, came the male stripper. I genuinely don't think I've ever laughed that hard. It was hilarious being in this mixed, chilled our atmosphere and watching my first strip show on a Sunday afternoon. The show ended with a "boat race" which is essentially a drinking game that has a group of guys versus a group of girls seeing who can chug their beers the fastest. As this was Church, there was a twist. The girls got a 15 second head start if they flashed the crowd. There was three rounds and every group of girls decided they wanted the advantage. So funny. As the event came to a close, we all filed outside into the sunshine. I wish I'd been drunker so I didn't feel quite so ridiculous. Apperently, the big thing with Church is that afterwards everyone goes to Walkabout in Shepard's Bush. I have no idea what this is all about. As the tube systems was still a mess, this required finding a bus. Oh my fuck. this was ridiculous. We'd lost Glen at some point and Sean was on the phone with him trying to explain where we were. He hangs up and goes "He's not too drunk to find us with enough time but drunk enough to annoy the shit out of me." There was a group of Germans or something that asked if we were going to Walkabout and how to get there. Zaccy stepped forward and went, "Yeah, just go down that road take the first right and then the second left." They left and we all turned to him, "What? I just don't them coming with us." So fucking funny. We found our bus stop eventually and Zaccy sat down next to an old lady and became friends with her. He looked hilarious in his bee costume smoking a cigarette. Glen never found us. 

That bus ride was the longest bus ride of my entire life. We were exhausted and the girls sitting in front of us were talking and repeating the same in joke over and over again. I realised that we must sound like that. I tried to sleep while mentally apologizing to anyone who's ever sat behing Penny and me after a night out. We drove past Gloucester Road and I swear if I'd had my house keys with me I would've gotten off the bus. The overwhelming emotion was hunger. We were all starving. One of the guys that was with us got off at High st. Kensington and said he was going home. We eventually arrived and Adam answered the latest of several phone calls from Simon. He was meeting us at Walkabout. Sean then got a call from Glen. He was already at Walkabout. The guy who was too drunk to find the bus station managed to beat us there. I still have no idea how that happened. Sean told him we'd meet him there. First, we stopped at this Australian pie shop and devoured pies. It was interesting being with all those Aussies and Kiwis when they were so far from home eating food that reminds them of it. When we'd finished we finally went to Walkabout. There was queue outside of it and as we got closer we saw something interesting. The guy who'd gotten off at High St. Ken was in line. We walked up and said, "This isn't home" and he shrugged at us. It's like there was a rip in the space time continuum. Someone who would've supported this theory was Simon, who we joined at the back of the queue. When he first saw Penny and me he looked at us despairingly, "Why are you people everywhere?!" We rolled our eyes at him and stood next to him in line. The reason he would support this theory would now become clear. He leaned down and said in my ear, "I'm on a lot, a lot of ketamine." Oh good. That's what Simon needs in his life, ketamine. As we moved up through the line Zaccy walked up to Simon and goes, "Hello, my favorite. Simon pouted and replied, "I'm not your favorite. You throw me aside like a used dish towel." The conversation progressed to Simon lecturing on the costumes people were wearing, "Some of the outfits these women have on, it's downright gratuitous!" Zaccy rolled his eyes, "Oh, grow up Simon." It took all of my self-control to not burst into laughter. 

We eventually made if inside and Penny and I agreed that we weren't going to stay very long. The only thing that made me want to stick around besides Adam leaving was the goldmine that is a high Simon. When we got drinks he took a sip of his and says, "This is shit. I'm a bartender, you know. I know these things." I think my favorite moment may have been when we all went to go dance. Simon dancing by himself wearing his reflective aviators is literally the best thing I've ever seen. It made being there even when I was exhausted totally worth it.

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

OK, so this Glen deal. It's ridiculous. 18 year old me has absolutely no idea what's happening in 21 year old me's life. Granted, 21 year old me also doesn't know what's happening. Hooking up with him was one confusing thing. There was such this sense of surreality as he flipped me around to kiss me with Michael Corleone talking in the background. It grew as I knew I was approaching the point of no return. I don't care about him seeing me naked. That doesn't change how I feel or view our friendship (it appears my family has had a bigger impact on me then I used to think) but I knew as soon as his pants came off it was all over. We could act like everything was the same but it wasn't. I would have that image in my head for the rest of time. It would join Callum and Kyle and the feel of Scott's in the more perverse sections of my brain.  

And now this. Now there's the ill fated text message that I pray to God was fueled by alcohol. I couldn't handle if it was anything else (besides maybe boredom or morbid curiosity). I can't stop thinking about it because now it's become a thing bigger than what it was. The redeeming factor of all of this was that even though it was surreal and my brain had a hard time absorbing the experience, it wasn't awkward. The most awkward part would probably be a tie between the hug before I left in the morning (even though I know a kiss would have waaaaay worse and inappropriate) and seeing D in the morning and realising they share a wall. Telling Massimo helped, a bit. I needed someone to acknowledge how ridiculous it was without judging me. Because Penny does judge me, I know she does. She doesn't need to say it. Massimo doesn't judge, he just thinks it's hilarious. The image of him pulling his head inside his t-shirt to laugh is forever burned into my brain. It's that sort of reckless emotion that isn't fueled by society, a private expression of shock and amusement. That, and I would have loved to climb in there with him to be protected from the situation, my own feelings, and the world. 

There was a point, that first night we hooked up, when I realised that Glen was the same as every other guy. This arrangement might have been setup outside of emotions and, in my case, serious attraction but there was initially some sort of urgency. We'd already laid side by side and talked for a few hours before going to sleep. I sleep on my side and had hijacked his side of the bed (I would've moved but he never asked) so my back was to his for a while. Eventually, he rolled over and laid with his body flush against my back, his hand sliding over my ass and forwards, searching for skin. It was one fluid move and the motion was familiar. Every guy I'd spent the night with had done something very similar. With my eyes closed and his hands wandering over me, I easily could have called him by the wrong name (if I was the type of girl to moan a guy's name, that is). He planted kisses onto my back and I turned my head to kiss his lips. That is my ultimate weakness, being kissed on the back. It makes me think of Scott with his hand in mine and his lips lightly brushing my back in that tiny hostel bed. That will always be his signature in my head. With Glen, it's slightly different. He's not the absolute best at oral sex but he always will lightly kiss my inner thigh while he's down there. It's the tiniest movement, just the quick feel of of his lips on my most sensitive skin. There's a small part of my brain that every time I look at him can feel him kiss me just there.  

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

End of the World Themed.

We had to be at Big chill by 8 PM for Penny’s party. Neelam came over and got ready with us and we ordered a pizza as we ran around zipping each into dresses and sharing a hair straightener. Eventually, we made our way down to the bar. We had a space reserved upstairs and got cocktails before going to put our stuff down and wait for anyone else to show up. Our track record with things like this wasn’t great. There had been multiple occasions where significantly less people then were supposed to be there showed up. I had my fingers crossed that this would not be another disaster to add to the list. It wasn’t, thank God. As the night went on more and more people arrived as we continued to get drinks. Even Jules made it down, as promised. He was among the first to arrive near the same time as Kyle, a fact that I could not help but find hilarious. They were two “outsiders”, so to speak among the party guests, as in they didn’t have any official relation to anyone besides Penny or me. Thus, they spent a good portion of the night hanging out with each other. At one point, Penny sent me to go find someone. Instead, I found Robsta and he scooped me up into a huge hug. I sent him in Penny’s direction and walked upstairs to our area. Kyle had found Penny and I outside a bit before that and asked what we were drinking. I told him and he’d disappeared. I had another private laugh about how much he wanted to get with her and how it so, so was not going to happen at the very least because Jules was there. When I walked upstairs, then, I was not prepared for the scene that greeted me. Jules and Kyle stood there with champagne flutes in their hands and an ice bucket between them. I pretty much fell over. Kyle poured me a glass and I couldn’t quite ask what the hell was happening.

Throughout the course of the night, I drank light rum, dark rum, vodka, bourbon, champagne, and Agwe. The Agwe started after Penny got her iPhone stolen somewhere before midnight. It was so, so bad. It ended with someone accusing this guy of stealing it, the bouncers getting irritated with Penny of all people, and an already shitfaced Jules buying the three of us Agwe bombs. I have never been so glad that Callum and Liam hadn’t shown up. Penny probably would have punched Callum in the face. Eventually everyone settled down but I’d sobered up when I realised there was a problem so I proceeded to attempt to get back to some level of drunk. I had those Agwe bombs with Penny and Jules and another cocktail before deciding that maybe another Agwe bomb with push me back over the edge. I got one for Penny and one for myself before Maggie talked me into buying one for him. I walked upstairs with Penny’s drink and was encountered with the sight of her making out with Jules. Ross had been sitting next to them so I handed the bomb to him. I figured that if Penny was hooking with Jules she probably didn’t need it. At one point, Penny asked me to go talk to Kyle because he looked really upset at her making out with Jules. I’d apologized to him once that night already during the iPhone situation, saying sorry that this wasn’t turning out to be the most fun of nights. This time I didn’t quite apologize but instead tried to explain that Penny and Jules have history, this is just kind of what they do, etc. I wanted to make it clear that it wasn’t a personal rejection without actually saying that. I offered to buy him a drink and he followed me downstairs. I ordered drinks for us and a shot of tequila for Robsta because he happened to be standing next to me. It seemed logical at the time.

Kyle and I drank our drinks before he led me over to the dance floor. I have literally no idea why we were dancing, I don’t know what was playing, nothing. The only thing I was really aware of was the fact that I could see Ross and Ellesse dancing over Kyle’s shoulder. I watched as they started making out and my brain just shut down. Ross had always been off limits. I didn’t know that this had changed and Penny had been the one to initiate things between them. At the time, it seemed like the world had actually just ended. Nothing mattered anymore. Up was down, down was up. All rules were out the window. So clearly the only logical thing to do at this point was the start making out with Kyle. Eventually, I led us over to the old Snug because I was tired and if I was going to make out with him I wanted to be doing it sitting down. He went to the bathroom and I sat there waiting. Neelam walked by an I grabbed her and attempted to explain what was happening but I only got as far as “Ross and Ellesse! Ross and Ellesse! Making out! Oh my god! What is happening?! Everyone is making out!” She laughed and walked away presumably to find someone to figure out what was actually happening. Kyle came back and led me back to the dance floor.

Now, my memory tells me that we stayed there for a bit before he said he was going home. The less drunk memories of other people tell me that at the very least we went upstairs for a little bit and made out while I sat in his lap. Oh yes. I’m a very respectable person when I’m shit faced, definitely suited for a political career. Eventually, I remember leaving with Kyle. This is where my memory becomes slightly unreliable though because the timeline is all screwy. For all I know, he could have just told me he was leaving and I was like, “Sweet, let me get my coat.” I don’t remember an explicit invite which makes me feel like there wasn’t one. I remember trying to convince him to hang around because we would all be going back to the flat later but he insisted on just going back to his. I turned to him at one point when I’d decided I was going with him and asked him if he was just hooking up with me because he couldn’t hook up with Penny. He said no, we’re very different, etc. I responded, “So, it has nothing to do with the fact that she’s going to be out of the country for three weeks and I’m still going to be here?” He’d smiled and said, “Well, that was a part of it.” As we left, I reached into my bag and realised my phone was gone. I stopped walking and told Kyle that I needed to tell Penny I was leaving. He looks at me and goes, “So, you don’t have a phone and Penny doesn’t have a phone, how are you gonna tell her?” I decided me made an excellent point, very rational, so took his hand and followed him to his place. He lives above the pub we met him at while he worked. I remember it being surreal as fuck walking through this dark empty pub and up the stairs to his room. It was messy and on the small side with a mattress on the floor. I borrowed his phone and decided to make sure no one was going to freak out by sending Jules a facebook message that said, “It’s brit, I’m cool.” This was clearly an incredibly well thought out plan. Jules doesn’t have an iPhone, by the way. Sending Penny a message would have made far more sense. But if you couldn’t tell, I was a bit beyond sense at this point.

The next part of the evening is a bit blurry. I remember laying in Kyle’s bed naked while he pulled me on top of him. I leaned down to capture his lips with mine as he ran his fingers through my hair. I told him I wasn’t going to have sex with him and he goes, “Ok.” No argument, no cajoling, nothing. I almost responded with, “Really?” but thought that might be weird. We fooled around for a bit until I snagged his shirt off the floor and went to the bathroom. I couldn’t find the light switch and sat there trying to figure out exactly how I’d gotten to that point. Eventually, I went back to his room and he had his computer in his lap. He turned on the Black Keys and set it down on the floor before pulling his shirt over my head. He talked a lot. I got a ridiculous amount of personal information as we laid in his bed that night. I kind of wish I’d been more sober because the details are a bit foggy but oh wow, does he never want to piss me off regardless. He was determined and considerate, more then willing to go down on me for extended periods of time. When he’d rolled over he’d pulled me on top of him so I was straddling his waist his hands wandering and his eyes closed. At one point I made a joke about his size (which was completely insensitive I realise but Callum had pulled me into bad habits) and he got all offended. He rolled over and said he was going to sleep now, fuck it. I said ok and rolled onto my side to sleep. This probably says alot about my attraction level to Kyle as I had no qualms about this. I had just been kidding but going down on him had made me rethink my initial opinions on Callum in bed. Kyle feigned sleep for a few minutes before rolling over and sliding his hand down my body, my insult apperently forgotten.

Eventually, we did fall asleep and I woke up at 8 AM to something that sounded vaguely like a fire alarm. I opened my eyes and saw the South African flag hanging on the wall and immediately thought “Oh dear god, what have I done?!”. My next thought was that there may be a fire and had zero idea where any of my clothes were. I was still a bit drunk at that point but was on the verge of lapsing into hangover. Kyle told me to get up and I launched into a mantra of, “Penny’s going to kill me. She’s going to murder me. You have to walk back with me. Penny’s going to fucking kill me.” I had one contact in the back of my eye and literally had no idea where any of my clothes were. The phone call had been from Kyle’s mom but before I could tell him how adorable that was he started throwing my clothes in my general direction, starting with my coat and shoes which were more then useless as I laid there naked under his duvet. Eventually I was dressed and he pulled on clothes and his Converse to walk me downstairs. He unlocked the door to the pub and opened it for me. I turned around and said, “You HAVE to walk me back.” He said he couldn’t and I went, “Dude, it’s half a block.” He sighed and closed the door behind him, following me down the street. I have never so obviously been walk of shaming before in my dress from the night before that looks a bit like lingerie at night, let alone in sunlight. Kyle trailed behind me with his hands in his pocket. He was clearly both hungover and exhausted. I still had enough alcohol in my system to not feel too horrible but continued my repetition of “Penny’s going to kill me” until we reached the flat. I rang the buzzer and braced myself. Penny unlocked the door and as she has a camera that shows her who’s at the door goes, “You were with Kyle?!” through the speaker. Kyle turned around and bailed. I’ve never seen someone book it like that so early in the morning. Chicken shit.

I climbed the stairs to the flat knowing that I was going to be more screwed then I’d been the night before once I got to Penny. She opened the door, pissed and exhausted. She told me that she’d called my parents and that now she was the girl that cried wolf, etc. I did feel really bad but at that exact moment I wanted more than anything to just take my contacts out and have a glass of water. I walked into the living room and the chair had been moved os it was in front of the couch. Robsta was passed out on the couch, Jimmy was curled up on the chair. There was bottles covering the kitchen table and countertops. Neelam and Ellesse were leaving so they were standing in the hallway. I went into the extra bedroom to get my pajamas and found Ross sleeping in the bed. I was NOT expecting to find him there. I pulled pj’s on and grabbed the phone so I could call my parents. I went and sat in Penny’s bed while she said goodbye to Neelam and Ellesse. A shirtless Jules laid next to me, face down. I called my dad to tell him I was still alive and he asked, “What is going on over there?” I turned my head to look at Jules and thought about the state of the living room before answering, “I literally have no idea.” Jules woke up while I was talking to my parents and as I sat there next to him he said, while still face down on the bed, “Where were you??”, the familiar confused whine in his voice. I told him I was with Kyle and he goes, “Who’s Kyle?” I just stared at his naked back in disbelief. Eventually Penny came back into her room after the girls left and I went and crawled into bed next to Ross. He initially made a small fuss about it until I told him I didn’t give a fuck, go to sleep. I shoved him over to the other side of the bed so he’d block the sun and laid down on the pillow that still smelled like him. We fell asleep facing each other at one point and every breath I took smelled like cigarettes.

Around 11:30, I could head people starting to wake up so I rolled out of bed and left a very dead Ross. Robsta was standing in the kitchen stretching. He held his arms out to me and I walked over to hug me. He was held me for a few seconds before pulling back and going, “Wait, you weren’t here! Where were you?!” I told him I was with Kyle and he laughed before pulling me into another hug.