haru-rants

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Paris is Burning (1990)

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i love polaroids that look like dreams

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I fucking HATE money. I hate capitalism. I hate that we have built entire systems worshipping numbers that don’t fucking mean anything. I hate living in a world where these figures can be the difference between life and death. People kill for money, they work until they can barely stay standing for it, they debase themselves to the point of dehumanization just to earn a little extra. I have lost a disgusting amount of time, energy, and life to the mandatory pursuit of money in order to survive and exist with dignity. I’ve had enough.

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I just got back from pride and I saw 2 therian kids!!! I’m glad they felt safe and supported enough to wear their gear out :)

I also saw a belt loop tail that would have been soooo much better then any clip on.

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I knew getting surgery was going to be the biggest and best rewarding thing I could ever accomplish in life (thus far?) but I think I fucked up. I think I should have healed then ran. I had the money, I should have dipped.

But I didn’t have a place to go. And I love the AC, but I don’t think it will ever replace the feeling of soil and sticks and pine needles between my toes. I like the occasional fast food, but I also love the raw and carnal nature of finding/hunting the food. I love the fires that are bright enough to light up a patio space, but I need it to be big and bold and hot enough to scorch my skin raw if I’m not careful. There were no hidden pockets of sanctuary anywhere that I could call home. I couldn’t call an indoor space home, it just couldn’t feel like one.

When I was 14 and praying for the parental permissions to fall from heaven and into my hands magically, to be freed, I thought so hard of all of the places I could go and hide and live a beautiful and meaningful existence even if that meant my time being shortened due to suffering. I knew nothing would ever happen no matter how many arguments* were posed in favor of being helped onto the path of surgery. With a uselessly huge chest that sat on top of ribs, who bulged uselessly, who would sit in a garment all day who’s purpose is to hold flesh to opposing skin… you thought it was ok? To see me suffer every day? To hear me openly begging for help? Every day? Hearing my passive please to be euthanized- and I wasn’t even asking for it to be ‘humane’; I just wanted release.

*- ‘Arguments’ in the CORRECT usage, not ‘screaming louder then the other’.

You cost me my comforts, you cost me my mobility, you spent my most flexible years bound up tight enough that black and blue and yellow and brown littered my skin and bent my ribs and contorted my spine for me, through me, without my consent. I will always hate you for that.

THERE IS NOTHING WORSE IN THE WORLD THEN RELIZING THAT PAYING $$$$$ FOR 1 FREEDOM WOULD COST ME THE REST OF MY OTHER FREEDOMS!!!!!!!

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THERE IS NOTHING WORSE IN THE WORLD THEN RELIZING THAT PAYING $$$$$ FOR 1 FREEDOM WOULD COST ME THE REST OF MY OTHER FREEDOMS!!!!!!!

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I AM HAUNTED BY A PAST I CANNOT GO BACK TO !!!!!! anyways

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daily affirmations

- I will own a house and decorate it just like I've been dreaming of for years

- I WILL OWN A HOUSE

- my house will have the cutest decor ever

- I will have the most peaceful house of all time

- house

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art will save you, being unreasonably passionate about something niche will save you, letting past sources of joy show you the way back to yourself will save you, earnestness over composure will save you, the natural world will save you, caring for something bigger than yourself will save you, daring to be seen will save you, kindness not as a whim but a principle will save you, appreciation as a practice will save you, daring to try something new will save you, grounding will save you, love will save you, one good nights sleep will save you

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Growing up being treated as subhuman and seeing the same types of people who treated me that way shame and ridicule alterhumans is so weird because make up your mind am I human to you or not

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Last week I went to a fet shop that had pup play gear and bought a silicone core tail and made it a sleeve from some left over fake fur. Calling it Gender Affirming Care tbh.

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im getting really fucking sick of all this “it gets better!” bullshit. im going to have depression for the rest of my life. it’s not going to “””get better””” fuck you

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don’t forget that it’s your life. it’s not school’s life, it’s not work’s life, it’s not your family or your partner’s life—it’s perpetually your life, for better or worse. what do you want from this life? forget happy, what motivates you to live? why are you here?

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Franz Kafka, 1912