hats-off-to-nyx

[hats-off-to-nyx]

Letter from a broken heart

What right do I have?

What are we?

Who am i, even?

But I'm angry

Im angry with you But mostly to my self

Why did it take me so long to realize that I'm nothing but a stranger to you That I'm just one insignificant extra from one chapter of your life

Im nobody

Not even one piece of this grand jigsaw puzzle of your life

What irks me

I'm aware

I was aware Too self aware for my own good

But fuck you made me fall in love with the idea of you I fell hard So damn hard, i can't even get up now

But I chose to close my eyes and live in this world

Cause fuck

I love you

Ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?

But I can't blame you You didn't even know it would get to this point

So i couldn't hate you

"I hate that I fell in love with you Why did I fall in love with you? What do I do with this love for you? How am I supposed to get over you? Why in the world won't you love me too?"

I promise this is the last I'll die if I let this continue after this point

It might take me long before I can finally get over you

But for now I'm picking the pieces of my heart, glue it back together and let it sit for a while

What started with a single "hi" Ended with a "goodbye" That's how it usually is right?

So, For the very last time

Goodbye

Dear John

[hats-off-to-nyx]

Dear Liam,

you don’t know me personally

I also don’t know you personally

I knew you from your celebrity persona, the only personal thing I know about you is your family’s name, city address, age, and other typical celebrity facts about you

and you know me with a different name

“Directioner”

I never actually met you guys, I was one of the unlucky fans who never got to see you live

and that’s what I regretted the most

I hate the stars or the destinies, fate, or whatever you call them for making me like this

It took me days to write this letter for you

weeks really

40 days

I’m not really good with words, or I’m not as good as I was before

but I want to write you a letter, to express my feelings

I know you will never actually read this anymore, but I know you will be reading this in the wind

let me say this first,

your death really took a toll on me

I couldn’t believe it

I refuse to believe it

for days, I could not eat properly, could not function properly most of the time

I ended up falling into this downward spiral

fate has great timing

this happened when I was at my lowest

too much school work and stressing out with financials

and boom I got to know about this

one thing I regret the most is that I turned my back

after 2015, I was too hurt by what Zayn did, I closed off that chapter of my life

then out of nowhere, I heard this song on the radio, I was sure it was Harry’s voice, then yours, Then Niall’s, then Louis’

It was “Infinity”

I loved it so much, that I took the guts to reopen that chapter

but lol fate is cruel, by the time I reopened that chapter, you guys closed it

I don’t know, was it punishment?

I really don’t know

ever since that day I always remembered you guys on every anniversary

the most I cried was your 10th anniversary, that was so funny because I looked like someone broke up with me

then the rumors came,

you being an attention seeker, an abuser, a manipulator

I told myself, I had enough heartbreak with what Zayn did, I don’t need one from you too

so I turned my back

without ever giving you the benefit of the doubt

It’s really true they say, the only time you will regret, it is when everything is too late

I hated it

I tried to live, to continue what my normal days were

but it feels hollow

I cried non-stop at night in the first weeks

but then recently?

I feel like I got no more tears left

dry

numb

stagnant

I rewatched some of your older videos, still can’t have the guts to watch your tiktok videos. I even rewatch those nostalgic movies and shows that reminded me one my life during your peak

but then I get to self aware

got springed back to reality harshly by my own subconscious

“you turned your back from them Nyx… from him… from Liam… How dare you?”

I feel like I don’t deserve to grieve

in turn, I pushed everything in my life

my responsibilities, my emotions, my friends

I don’t know what to do anymore

so I decided to write this letter

wrote this not to seek attention or anything

that’s why I posted this on Tumblr, haha, it’s quiet here

I wrote this because there were words left unsaid…

things left undone

Liam,

no words can really describe how devastating this is

at least we find solace in the fact you are home

It will take long till the wounds heal,

scars will be there, it may or may not fade

but we’ll try, try to be someone better

farewell, Payno… Thank you for everything Goodbyes are indeed bittersweet But I hope it's not the end I'll see your face again

In another life

Nichole

[hats-off-to-nyx]

If it is then I am so glad for my parallel universe self...

Liam was alive and well...

Your best friend

Brother

He was safe

What if

dreams

are

memories

of

parallel universe

us

[hats-off-to-nyx]

Infinity

How many nights does it take to count the stars?

That's the time it would take to fix my heart

Day 18

It still hurts

So much

I thought I was already okay

I still have a life to live so I tried to move on

There was nothing I could do

I was halfway across the earth

Liam never knew me

I felt like I was just overreacting for grieving this much

But my feelings can't lie

It hurts

I broke down during writing my journal

The first words I ever thought to write was

I need Liam here

But then reality would struck me

18 days since

Look, it's already November, but I still feel like it was yesterday

It's suffocating

I need help

But no one understands

It will take as long as how many stars for me to recover

It will take infinty

[hats-off-to-nyx]

More than this

I'm broken, do you hear me? I'm blinded, 'cause you are everything I see I'm dancing alone

day 6

I'm still hurting

but my family and friends mock me for it

Liam and I don't know each other personally

why was acting affected like this?

I had a reason, One Direction saved me

but I am being gaslighted by my family

to the point whenever I try to acknowledge my feelings my mind tells me II am making a fool of myself.

but deep inside, my heart is still aching

everywhere I go, I see his face, I say to myself, this is all a bad dream and when I wake up, I'll see a video he posted online, being his happy self

the world continued spinning

my world stopped

[hats-off-to-nyx]

Moments

day 5 of Liam's passing

it took me guts to open this app

Twitter(X) and Tumblr were my go-tos when it talks about One Direction

1D was the very reason I had this account

heck 1D is the reason I am still alive today

I don't know if I will ever heal

I just know it will take as many as the stars for my heart to heal

"If we could only have this life for one more day If we could only turn back time"

[hats-off-to-nyx]

August slipped away into a moment in time 'Cause you were never mine...

[hats-off-to-nyx]

So many things that I wish you knew So many walls up I can't break through

[hats-off-to-nyx]

No one is actually busy It's not about their schedule It's about your place in their schedule

by some random person on the internet

[hats-off-to-nyx]

Dear ....

hi

The title of the playlist I sent you to catch your attention

Funny enough it did

You were nice... I guess, but made me fall for you twice as much nevertheless.

You didn't even wonder why I randomly sent it to you, only said it was cute and you'll listen to it too.

Damn, the effect you had on me was so huge. The mere fact you accepted my friend request sent butterflies bursting.

I was sick after exam week, Intramurals, PE day and some personal shit, but one interaction from you sent me smiling all week. 

Talking with you was a roller coaster ride of emotions. One time I smiled too much it’d hurt my face, one time, my frown was so visible, my face looked like it was drooping.

Sending you songs I want to recommend for the sake to keep talking to you. You recommend songs back i'd listen to it until tomorrow.

My heart raced like it was in a marathon, other times it broke like bits and pieces like scattered stars on the cosmos.

My heart swooned whenever you talk about your favorites. How you gush over things you were passionate about.

How I really wanted to escape my house at dead midnight just to come to you and comfort you in your problems you cryptically relay.

Jokes, that I sometimes took seriously, haha sorry about that.

Words you wrote and symbols you accompany drove me in a whirlwind of thoughts

Candies, laughs, and you called me "sweet soul"

You had me wrapped…

But one faithful night I accidentally confessed

I feared I might've scared you off

It wasn't what I planned, being friends with you was already fine

You said we were totally alright, that we're better off friends, I accepted that

But...

That was the end

Or

Was that the beginning I started to open my eyes...

Tiny little red flags I deliberately ignored. 

It was always me who initiated the talk. You only reply fast if the topic only interested you

You barely even recommended songs to me?

It was always me...

Did you really even listened to the songs I sent?

A tornado of anxiety came rushing in

What if you mocked how stupid I was. Sent it to friends to have them mock me with you. Laugh at how stupid and desperate I was. How pathetically bullshit I was…

But hey, maybe I'm just overthinking? You're not like that right?

Maybe you were busy. I'm sure there are times you can't reply to your friends quickly

Haha…

Here I am gaslighting myself again

Convincing myself I've never made you feel uncomfortable 

Or that you didn't long pressed my messages just because I'm a person in your life as irrelevant as the stranger you meet everyday

That you just had so much to think about 

I guess?

Well…

That was until one night, something cleared out my suspicion

It was another Intramurals at school. I wasn't a student anymore because I stopped to focus on work.

I attended because I really wanna see my friends

To see you…

It was awarding night, I saw you with your team waiting for your time to get on the stage. You were on your phone. So I decided to chat you…

"Hey **** you at school?"

Was I too desperate? I don't know…

But you never replied, even viewed my message, nothing…

I wondered if you didn't receive it, but how? You were on your phone the whole time

You only replied hours later

Haha fck that kinda hurt

Was I not even your friend?

But hey... Who am I even...

So no biggie

I only got to see you when we finally approached you... You were so nice, made me forget you ignored my message haha

But, I was constantly reminded of that, everytime

Like a a ghost

That kept on haunting me

I'm no one

Just another one of your admirers

It's funny because, you were one of the reason why Intramurals was memorable

It started with Intramurals, and I think it ended with Intramurals

So I wrote this letter to pour out my emotions. Instead, it made me realize many things

I’m merely but an annoyance for you. And I apologize for that

I know you have someone you call your “mine”

I'll stop now before I fall even deeper into the rabbit hole I dug

This is fine

Maybe it's for the best

It is for the best

So 

Consider this letter the last

Dear ....

[hats-off-to-nyx]

Finishing up another letter because pathetic me is HAHAHAHHAHAH

[hats-off-to-nyx]

I fear the effect you have on me

you had me so attached to you

if it's not you, never mind everyone then

[hats-off-to-nyx]

I'll never walk Cornelia Street again

[hats-off-to-nyx]

another one

[hats-off-to-nyx]

Unfinished song

Bring me a poet I can sing his words to

His sentences as lyrics to the music I would do

Baby I can bring your poems to life

With melodies in each words you write

Now give a chance on me, on us right?

And your words would dance to the rhythm of the night

[hats-off-to-nyx]

A letter to you

To Perseus,

"I was enchanted to meet you..."

The mall, as always, was busy. Bustling with people left and right. 

Then I heard this sweet voice echoing.  

You were there,

with your cream sweater, a bag in one hand, and a microphone in the other.  

Like a siren, your voice lured me.  

I did not know your name,

but for some reason I wanted you to turn around. For some reason, my anxiety melted, and I foolishly tried to catch your attention.  

Your eyes were magnets, pulling at my heart.

But I was stupid and ran.

I thought I would never see you again, that you were a blur in a fever dream I'd soon forget.  

My friends knew you, and I hoped for a chance.

I sent you dumb messages, and you responded with laughs.  

But three days later, you disappeared like the wind.

I waited; nothing happened; damn, you weren't interested; I hoped you just told me instead.  

HUSOCOM Day, you said you were free. I was hoping to ask you to grab a cup of coffee with me.

My friends tagged me along, hoping to finally see you...

You weren't there...  

I sent you messages again, stupidly hoping for you to finally see me.

Your replies were suspicious; they were lies as clear as day.  

The last inch of my hope will falter.

I'll shoot my last shot today.

Last chance.

Before I go back to reality.

Love, Nyx

[hats-off-to-nyx]

REDUCE REUSE RECYCLE

"nature is already declining, will we ever survive?"

let us help each other to heal our planet before everything is too late

#GoingGreen, #ECOWarrior, #OneEarth.

credits to the owners of the clips used