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Personal journal 17

Been a while sense I've updated...some shit happened...she said she didn't want a relationship and that's why she didn't wnna date me, which isn't her fault she has no blame in this it's all on me but she has a new boyfriend...she said she loves me and misses me lately but now I feel weird about coming out there to see her...im scared the reason she wanted me to go out there if it worked out was to tell me in person...i wanted to go out there and tell her in person, show her this tell her everything...every thought and reason for why I feel about her, just let it all out and then be done with it, stop hurting myself because I love her and haven't stopped loving her...everyone that found out about her new boyfriend messaged me about how she did me dirty and shit and she didn't in my opinion it's not her fault she has different feelings, I don't blame her what so ever it's not her fault that the night I found out I went and drank tell i puked so I couldn't think about it anymore...i love u...i see u everywhere everytime I think about u now it makes me sad to the point I'm holding back tears and I don't blame u hes good looking and obv good enough of a guy to get your attention...he did what I couldn't...maybe it's just because I wanted forward enough about how much I loved u...maybe it's all me being a over dramatic pussy...i had a awful illusion that I was good enough and I could make u happy...im just as useless and pathetic now as I was at the start of our freindship...i don't think I could ever let u read this...when I get ready to finally do it...ill send u the link to this and you will understand how wholeheartedly I love u...dont blame yourself or cry for me please I'm not worth it, live your life to the fullest it's not your fault I was depressed before u and you helped mask it for a long time.....i love you Katie

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Personal journal 16

I realized something last night befor bed, I've only know her for 3 almost 4 months....i fell in love...cried this much...ive known her for so little...every day with her feels like a week because I adore every word and every second with her but really Saterday we went to lunch and then chilled at her house for 8 hours and it was the best day I've had in a month...sence my birthday...the time between seeing her is getting longer each time...first gap was a week then we hung out every day for my week vacation...then a few days...then a week...then another week....then my birthday....then a month....then at my second mom's party I seen her and it was amazing I missed her so much I watched my smile walk back into my life and hug me...then 6 days later I went to see her...now i have no idea when the next time could be....i know in October in going to take her to see the new saw movie because it is my fav movie series and it looks amazing and I want to share that side of my enjoyment with her...two of my fav things at the same time...i don't understand why she said it...twice Saterday she said she loved me😐 I didn't say it back the first time and she said "what you don't love me?" Jokingly and I felt mg heart crack a little, at the end before i left she walked out with me and hugged me and said it again and I said it back...no make up only able to see cuz of the moon and my cars lights, yawning wrapped in a blanket ready for bed I knew why I didn't say it the first time...that is something only she should hear...one day I will tell her I am in love with her and show her all of these and that is the day I finally give up and end it...she will never be ok with all I've written here I'm sure...making our business public online for anyone to see...im sorry...i just didn't have anyone to talk to so I did this for myself...i do love you...i want you to know that, from the first time i seen you cry I knew I would do anything to keep that smile on your face....dont remember me as the boy who killed him self because you didn't love him....remember me as the boy who lived a few months longer because he loved you

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Watching a movie

Can't even watch a movie without thinking about her :/ it's a romantic/crazy movie called "you get me" and it started explaining how a guys whole life changed when he met this girl...wonder why that impacted me...i started going out, enjoying people and the outside world, getting tattoos smoking pot alot more....drinking....im going to see her tomorrow...idk if it's a good idea or not tbh I'm going to do it anyway...i want to see her...i really want to see her...lets see how destroyed I am after another good bye

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Personal journal 15

In 4 hours it will be the first time sense we met we went a full 24 hours without talking...no messages from her as per usual but none from me i stayed strong today...it feels bad and I've been just working and sleeping because I can't stand to be awake and thinking about her...i feel like a useless bother again...i was finally feeling good...feeling happy....now it's clawing back...the need for depression...feels like it would be less painful if I was still sad when it happened...i just want her to be happy and if that means not talking to me that's fine...i never felt used or thought I was being because she never specifically asked me to go to any of the places with her it was all my idea ...even the tv hates me rn...was watching a thing about men paying for dates and one of the girls was explaining how she will fake trying to pay and wait for the guy to be all no no I got it :/...thats how we were...fuck...i just want to drive up and see her...or talk to her at all but it feels like such a bad idea...maybe everyone is right...

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Personal journal 14

I feel sick to my stomach...i want to scream and cry...blame her it's her fault she doesn't love me...but...no it's not her fault...she probably didn't think anything of it...39 snap streak dead in one moment...checking my phone and feeling completely broken and worthless...i always new we would drift apart but she said she never lets streaks die as long as she loves someone...now I feel dead inside she probably just forgot or lost connection and feels bad...but if she doesn't...if...she just didn't care...h..how am I supposed to be ok now...i love her...ive never loved anyone like this, she's everything I've ever wanted...funny out going amazing goofy...the way her eyes light up when she is excited...the way my heart feels when I'm near her or when I hug her...i don't want to lose that...i think I just did...

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Personal journal 13

It's been another week without thinking about killing myself so that's good, but I feel bad for saying this I hard slowly started getting over her like I still smile and feel better when she txts Me...i seen her Sunday...she said she missed me so much...hugging her made me so happy...after a few drinks her and Megan were dancing and megs called me over and I joined in so us three were dancing on the porch, she smiles at me and says "this is gonna be awkward" and jolts back so it's just me and Katie dancing for a second before I let go...they both went back to parting and drinking and I sat back down on the corner of the couch being a lonely quiet loser as per usual....they kept drinking, after long enough my friend Sara made me a drink and it calmed me down a touch I went out front and walked around the yard watching the party and games going on, I didn't see her for a out 20 min and when I came back to the porch we said "oh good I was worried you left" and it made me really happy she generally sounded and felt like she missed me...now I'm crying thinking about her again 4 hours before I start my new job...i got there to help megs set up and cook at 1, Katie got there at 6:30 as she was parking I pointed out to megs that she was here, we were walking down the path down to the yard to play some games, she stopped walking and looked at me and ask if I was ok with that...it broke me a little...what problem would I have with it...did she say something did she have a problem with me being there...did anyone??...with kayln and her mom/siblings they all accepted me into the family but with megs family as much as I love her and them tommy and the girls don't really seem to like me much idk I haven't done anything and I really want them to like me id like to be around for party's and random shit for years...i lost myself last time I seen her...i feel find now but...when tommy was putting megs and Katie to bed before I headed out Katie hugged me for like a solid 3 min just resting her head in my shoulder telling me she missed me while drunk in my arms, ;^/ i know they say drunk brings out the truth bug that was loving hug idc what it meant to her if it ment anything at all or she even remembers...i felt truly loved in that moment...i didn't think anything else in that moment, time stopped and I just hugged her tight and held her close...i love her and I don't know what to do about it...theres parts of me that just want to blow her phone up and talk to her 24/7 but I don't want to push her away I want her to know i feel the same if not stronger then i did two months ago...i think about her so much...me and kayln when to the mall and when to a goof party store and I was looking at all the little funny buttons with jokes/memes/ symbols and my first thought would be how much she would love them...ive thought about killing myself alot in the last 7 years and I've never found a real reason not to but now I have found so many of them lately...kaylns family...megs family...katie...my family all of them are my family I love them all...i want to make them proud and happy...i just fooled myself into believing that no one cares and I would be alone for ever...evrn if Katie doesn't love me the same way I do her I can tell she loves me in it's own way...i have them all to talk to anytime I need... if they texted me at 4 am and told me to come save them i would be there asap no matter what I'm doing....lets see who will pick up faster the next time I need someone

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Personal journal 12

Things have been looking up, haven't thought about killing myself in a week without my meds, she's been talking to be again, she finally moved and got settled in her new house so she isn't so busy as expected, my best friends mom invited me to come live with them in there new house so I'll be in a house with my best friend and my second mom in a month or so if we get the house, I've been good at work again, I did start vaping nicotine again but when it helps it helps yaknow, the nightmares stopped...well changed anyway I had a really bad one two nights ago, I drove out to see her in her new place and spent the day in the city with her (Was amazing) then on the drive home I got in a wreck and woke up in the hospital with memory loss and didn't recognize anyone in the room with me, my parents, best friend, sister, Megan and Katie were all there and I couldn't recognize any of them...my dream when threw the first week of the memory loss and I still didn't recognize anyone but I refell in love with her even tho I had no idea who she was I just knew I loved her...in the middle of the room with all of them the doctor asked me if I remembered anything and I pointed at Katie and said " I remember that I love her...thats all I know" blushing in the corner she tears up and comes and hugs me, and whispers in my ear " I love you too" pulled back and smiled, looking at her blushing cheeks and amazing green eyes i woke up calm and happy...was kind of strange but I hope if I did lose my memory I would understand my feelings when I seen her, I hope i would remember everyone but I know i would recognize how she makes my heart feel

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Personal journal 11

I'm starting to agree with my anxiety and other voices that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, I miss her so much but it just feels so cold...trying to back off hurts so much...i feel like a bother everytime I send her a message...you can tell when someone loses interest in conversation based on txt but it's even more obv when u stop saving snap msgs....she never missed a message for 3 months now she just stopped doing it...i talked to her at like noon yesterday then nothing all day...i send two messages then if I don't hear back I won't msg tell they do, clingy scares girls away...even tho I just want to hold her and keep her save by my side for life...spamming people is annoying...i dont want to push her any farther away

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Personal journal 10

First thing I do when I get home is pack a bowl and listen to music tell i fall asleep...it helps me calm down and fall asleep alot....only bad part is my parents leave same time I get home because of third shift so I get to see there disappointment every day...i hope one day I can get to sleep without pot again but as of rn I'm such a stressfilled little fuck I can't

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Personal journal 9

I've been dreaming of a bunch of tattoos for my whole life it's something I always wanted to get, I finally got my first one a week before my 19th birthday, it's a bundle of 6 flowers one for every person I love, and each person's fav color is what there flower is filled in with, my mom's,dad's,sister's, best friends, second mom's and hers...shes has the last one because they are in time line order...thats my first tattoo it's fully healed now and I'm starting to get ready for my next one, I have two ideas one fully set and I want to see his opinion on it and the other one I just thought of last night but I really like it, first the fully set one, it's a stopwatch that's broken and decayed, glass shattered, shaded in black, the hour hand is gonna be on 8 and the minute hand is gonna be on 11, 8-11 my birthday, at the bottom of the watch I want words in the chain "don't let time fade me away" My first is super colorful...i want my next one not to be, dark and shaded for it...its not based on happyniess it has no need for colors My second idea that I've just not started fucking with is a old karisin lamp, rusted and shaded out with a small blue flame on the wick, with the words "I'll light the way back to me" or "Lead me out of the dark" I have thought about doing both "Lead me out of the dark and I'll light the way back to me" ;/ but idk

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Personal journal 8

Still breathing....sadly....i can't bring myself to do it...to go a day without trying to talk to her and see if she seeks me out...i know she won't...why would she bother...she got out....no more shitty job or shitty town...or shitty me....shes moving to the big city in a week...she is gonna drive right past my house...i have a false hope she will come see me as she passes threw...i know it's not going to happen...i always figured she likes me because her best friend said she does and she sorta said it over snap...but she's never said it in person and it is destroying me not knowing for sure...ill wait for ever for the answer but I'm never going to ask...the last thing I want is to push her any farther away...i know I'll see her September third...but...thats so long...august 12th was the last time I seen her...august 12th was the last time I had a long conversation with her...she sent me a novel about everything that's upsetting her and I sent one back with the best answer I could give to every topic she was troubled by...i was ignorant and stuiped...at the end if it I said I love you and would do anything for you for you to be happy...that line is what killed any chance...she said it back...and it broke me to read...same when she was drunk and said it...it hurts to reread over and think about...ive spent the last week rittled with depression and suicidal thoughts and I don't even know if she's doing fine bad great I have no idea because we don't talk anymore...two weeks...ill see her in two weeks...ill have my smile back in two weeks...then I get to watch it run away again...i miss her laugh...her smile...my smile...but the thing I miss the most is her eyes...i never had a fav color before her but how green and amazing her eyes are...i see that color everytime I close my eyes...wishing for one more close look while hugging her...i didn't even want a girl when I met her I had no interest in anyone...it was 4 years sense my last attraction...now I am head over heels again without a chance of her loving me...i see her in two weeks...i don't know if I'll be able to watch her leave again...maybe if I show her this page she will understand how much i think about her...thats a funny joke...thats the final way to push her away...when I do finally end my life I'm going to txt her and my best friend the log in for this...take all my money out and give it to my best friend and then never feel this pain again...i think about my death alot...who I'm going to write too...who I'm going to go see one last time before I pull the trigger...if i could see three people before I do it...id hug her my best friend and Megan my second mom one last time each...quit my job...tell my boss to suck a fat dick and then just get in my car and drive tell I run out of gas and money then where ever that ends up being just blow my brains out right there on the spot, whether it's side of the road in the night or in the middle of traffic...where ever I run out of everything...my mental state is already broke my financial state might as well be...cant take it with me

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Personal journal 7

I'm broken...quit my job last night...they got me back...i feel so defeated and weak...everything is just pieced together with strings...its been 3 days sense I've really talked to her...the shorter our conversations get the longer they get with someone else....im terrified to asked if she wants to hang out this weekend if I'm not working...shes been so distant that I don't even know if she would want to see me...i miss her so much...it hurts more to see a motivation from her then it does to see opened/delivered...because I know the conversation isn't going to stick it's gonna be a few messages then silence again...i love her and I don't want to see her hate me...i feel like crying and screaming so much all the time...just leaving in the middle of the night and going as fast as my car will let me off a bridge...atleast then I know it won't hurt anymore...her ex is hurting her the way she hurts me and she has no idea how much not talking to her hurts me...we talked everyday for hours...now I barely hear from her...why am I so pathetic and clingy I just want her to love me...no one does why do I bother no one would care if I just disspeared right now...maybe I should...just get in my car dodge work tonight and just drive out to south haven...suprise her with a last visit...then just drive out of state and just pull off into oncoming traffic and just blissfully die knowing I seen her one last time...why am I like this...i need someone...she makes me so happy...and when she's not around I just miss her and my happiness goes away with her...when I seen her walk back into her house I seem my smile walk away with her....if this is the last post on this...who ever reads it...im sorry...i know people love me....just the one who's love i need isn't there...goodbye

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Personal journal 6

Over at my best friends house for the night...i work nightshift so I am wide awake alone with her sleeping on the other side of the room...no one to talk too...completly alone...just listening to music and overthinking...i had a fun time with my best friend tonight we talked and went for a walk in the nature reserve from my nightmares...it was nice to not think about those horrible nightmares while walking threw there...yet now that I have no one to distract me from how much i miss her...everysong I listen too has something that makes me think about her...i just want her so much...it feels like no one cares or loves me anymore I feel like a bother to everyone...im about to go see my therapist again just so I have someone to talk too without them being able to judge me...i need to get back on my meds as well...i was doing so well I was happy even when alone...then I was seeing her everyday and forgot to take it for a week...and was fine she was my anti depressant...then she went home...and they came back to get me...anxiety...depression...heartbreak all come to attack when I'm alone at night...i called off work again tonight...im going to get 17 hours this week now but I needed the time off to heal...im destroying my self mentality...hes doing the same this to her that she's doing to me...but he doesn't know he's doing it to her and she doesn't know she's doing it to me...i just want her to be happy I know i can make her happy...even for a little...i know I don't deserve her but she is so worth the pain for when I do see her...when she hugs me all my build up pain goes away it just falls off...her smile melts my heart...her laugh pushes the voices out of my ears...her eyes freeze the tears...i didn't even know I had a favourite color tell I seen her eyes...ill never look at green the same way again...i hope I never slip up and let her read this page...im a pathetic excuse for a man...crying over a girl I knew would never love me...i shouldn't ever show anyone these...i really want to I need someone to talk to...that knows everything...everyone I talk to gets sick of it and leaves me after a while...i would be better off just jumping off a bridge...id be out of everyone's hair and stop bothering everyone...i...im not suicidal...i don't want to go out and shoot myself on a daily basis...just if I was driving home and my car pulled to the side and I lose control and crash and die I wouldn't be upset...goodnight

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Personal journal 5

She finally started talking again...almost lost out snap streak, she said she didn't have service all day which makes sense my phone didn't work when I was out there...she sent me a bunch if messages and pictures about her day...seeing her in the pictures and hearing her laugh made me so happy...id listen to a 10 hour song of her laughing if I could...i feel awkward because of how I feel about everything she does...if she did every settle for my worthless ass at some point id scare her away with my clingy ass...ive heard from people that love is either grown over time or you just know...just wake up one day and just know....goodnight

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Personal journal 4

Looking like another day on read...im not gonna bother her today...shes probably just busy...she probably doesn't hate me...i know she doesn't hate me....but my anxiety doesn't care...i feel like i annoy her everytime I talk to her sense she moved...when I first started talking to her there was another guy trying to get her attention and he would spam the shit out of her and talk to her all day everyday...she would complain to me about how annoying and creepy he is...i wonder how many times she complains about me to other people...if she thinks I'm a creep...i don't know what I would do...probably go for a nice long swim to clear my head...find a pretty lake and enjoy the sun and nature...i can't swim...but I don't need to i like the idea better when I can't help me drowning...i talked to my few friends this morning and they all said she isn't going to love me and I should just focus on making myself more stable before I get any more damaged...they don't understand how hard it is to not think about someone when u have something for them permently on your arm...shes the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning...i took a nap and woke up just before writing this and the first thing I did even tho there wasn't a notification was check snap to see if she responded..."opened 4 hours ago" instantly started crying and new my journal needed an update...she makes me so happy i everytime I see her or txt her my heart feels happy it beats faster and I feels like everything's going to be ok this time...then the notifications slow down...stop eventually....and it's left to me to start a conversation with something and hope she talks again or leave her alone so I don't bother her...i go with the ladder most the time...treat her the way I treat everyone else...two messages and a meme and after that I'm not messaging you tell u respond unless something important happens...but with her it's different everytime my phone goes off even tho snap has a different sound to it I just pray it's her...eyes light up I get excited and unlock my phone instantly and then shattered...salt into a would...she is one of my best friends...i don't talk to my best friend everyday...i went 5 months without talking to her last time and then randomly messaged her and we were still best friends the second I got to her house...but the difference between talking to kayln and talking to Katie every day is when kayln leaves me on read I just send her a meme and talk to her in a week or two...with Katie she leaves me on read and I cry and feel my world crashing around me even tho I love both of them it's a different kind of love...i realized it a few days ago on my birthday...i went out of town to see her for the day...the best birthday present I ever got was to see her smile and feel her warm hug as she screamed happy birthday...i have never had a birthday party or anything I always cancel it or any plans friends have because i don't like attention but when she told her family it was my birthday it felt good for all of them to be excited and friendly to me about it...i die inside everytime I think about someone else making her smile like that...shes a very friendly and open girl so alot of people think she's flirting with them...i knew she wasn't when we first started talking...she was so nice and fun, out going and made work so much fun...at first it was just like talking to my but then I came into work one day and she was crying and sad...and I felt a little bit of my shell break...i knew i wanted to do anything possible to make her smile I contorted her and made her feel better, she started laughing and smiling again after a bit and the rest of the night was back to normal but while I was doing some tasks it dawned on me how much it hurt to see her cry...and how happy it made me to see her smile because of me...a few weeks later I told her how I felt...a little strange as to how it was worked...i basically screeched out "I like you please don't hate me" blushing and on the edge of tears i watched it process in her mind, her eyes light up and she smiled "your so sweet but silly I'm not gonna hate you because of that u shouldn't ever feel scared to tell me something" we had a two hour conversation instead of working about everything that happened with her and her ex and how she's not ready for a relationship, I explained how I'm too broken for anyone to love no one would be happy dating me with how unstable I am emotionally, as she was listening to me talk I seen something in her eyes when ever depression would be brought up...i had noticed something when I was outside cleaning I seen threw the window...she was alone inside no customers no co workers no one to give her any attention and she looked like she was about to cry and I knew she was depressed...i stopped talking mid sentence and smile at her "you know all about depression don't you" I said it without even thinking...her eyes light up and she smiled at me asking how I knew, i explained it and after that conversation I knew she would be a good friend with me...she always said no one sees her cry...i drove 50 miles to stop her from crying...she could have called anyone and she called me...she let me see her at her worst...sweatpants hair a mess no make up...she was the most gorgeous girl in the world to me...the day before was my birthday and she dressed up all nice and pretty and looked very pretty...but the girl I love doesn't look like that all make up and a nice dress..the girl I love was the one in sweatpants that's the girl I want...the independent proud amazing girl that opened up and cried on my shoulder out of everyone else she could of have called...we watched the meteor shower and the stars were so pretty but I couldn't help but look at her in the moon light...everytime she seen a shooting star her smile got a little bigger and her tears got a little smaller...as I was dropping her off she hugged me and as she was leaving the car I told her "I know it's not a good time because your still upset and stuff but right now with your hair a mess and puffy eyes and sweatpants...your the most gorgeous girl in world...she smiles and closes the door walks in side... I got home about an hour later and when my phone connected to the internet there was a txt there saying thank you for coming out to see me...that was two days ago now...she cried on my shoulder for a nice and I listened and helped her calm down then the next two days I've gotten maybe 25 messages from hee in the last 38 hours....it hurts but there's nothing I can do but write here and wait hoping she tzts me at some point...tell next time journal

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Personal journal 3

I went home from work early today because I was sick of coughing so hard at work and didn’t want to deal with it anymore….slept for a few hours and feel sorta better now but now it’s 3:24am and I’m completely alone…no one awake no one to cry to…all my friends always have me when they need me and now I’m crying again and painfully alone…today is the least I’ve talked to her ever….14 messages from the time she woke up to now….left on read for 7 anxiety ridden hours…i don’t know how much more I can deal with and still be there for everybody that needs me…i drove 50 miles to stop her tears last night and now no one can even shoot a txt…ive been having night mares again…walking threw my favourite place…she took me to this nature reserve and it’s so amazing, I don’t even like going outside very much but when I was with her it was like heaven on earth watching her smile and laugh like a little kid with how excited she was to be sharing something like that with me, something’s different in every dream as we walk down the trail….the conversation changes aswell as her outfit…it always ends one of two ways…i take a picture of the sky and the trees and go to show her the picture and she’s gone…and I panic and start calling her name looking around for her….walking down the trail a little faster I go to her favorite spot, she said she only takes the people that mean the world to her to this spot, I walk up the small hill to the tree in the middle of fhe field and look at the ground seeing her body laying in the leaves…instant tears as I kneel down and roll her over…shes gone…holding her head in my lap slowly running my fingers threw her hair tears running down my face…unable to scream unable to help her unable to wake up….trapped for hours tell I inevitably wake up in tears and go cry in the shower….i don’t know what hurts me more this version or the other one…walking down the same trail…alone… I make my way to her tree in the dead of winter in a storm…freezing and shaking I sit against the tree and take a picture of the snow covered trees and fields and send it to her on Snapchat with the message “i miss you” my chest tightens as she opens it and starts typing….i feel my heart shatter as her message comes threw “I hate you leave me alone”….crying in the cold trapped in place unable to wake up from this hell…..ive gotten to the point I’m scared to sleep because it’s everytime i go to sleep….i just want them to stop I just want her to love me they way I love her…i know it’s never going to happen….i got my first tattoo a few weeks ago….its a set of flowers each flower is one of the people i love and there favorite color….i gave my mom,dad,sister,best friend and my second mom one…they all are amazing and make me so happy with how they turned out…then the sixth flower….its hers it’s her fav color she picked out the ink with the artist and held my hand as i got it done….they always say never get a tattoo for someone and they where wrong…no matter what I’m doing or how bad I’m crying without anyone in the world to care I look at my arm and see her smile looking back at me in this purple flower….how much Joy she had in her eyes when I told her she was getting a flower….the way it felt when she grabbed my hand and smiled at me when her started…not letting me look at the blood or progress “focus on me” she said with a smile…staring into her eyes made most of the pain go away….even tho she will never love me…she is the best person in my life in the last 5 years the first person who has made a positive impact on my life in so long she will never be forgotten….even when she forgets about me……goodnight…..im sorry for anyone who finds this somehow

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Personal journal 2

I work a job I can't stand and get treated like shit for no reason, I tried so hard at the start and did so well and was happy with the job...then she started working with me and I became so distracted in her eyes and her words I quit focusing on work...her smile lights up the whole room her laugh is heroin to my ears...and she loves someone else....ill never be good enough....im going to see the girl I love fall back into the guy who broke her arms again and there's nothing I can do about it....just die inside everytime I see her