haunteddonuts-blog

[haunteddonuts-blog]

dear mom,

i'm not doing poorly in school because i can't handle school and volleyball at the same time; it's because i'm emotionally drained once i get there. seeing the same faces everyday is a constant reminder of the mindsets of those around me. they're against everything good and are so filled with hate, as i'm sure you know. i get that politics shouldn't interfere with my friendships, but i can't help it when every single person at my school is against everything i stand for. women should have equal rights, not because we are a sister, a wife, a mother, or a daughter, but because we are humans. muslims and people of religions other than christianity should be allowed to wear a hijab with no ridicule and shouldn't be appropriated not because of everything their ancestors have been through but because they are humans, today, not in the past or future. black men and women and people of other identifications should not be called n***ers by anyone of any color -- be it caucasian, hispanic, asian, or other descents. and it's not because "black people just make up words only they should use" it's because there is HISTORY behind it. history that no white boy at my school is willing to acknowledge. do you know what happened today at school? two white boys (trump supporters of course, like every other person at my school) said we should whip people and taze them for a project if we were the government dealing with refugees. whip and taze. one of them even suggested holding a metal board to them and tazing them once so it spread. obviously i couldn't say nothing, but i had to be careful about what i said because i don't want to become more antisocial than i already am, so i said, "of course only white boys would make such sick jokes" and they responded with "??? you're not black" LIKE THEY ACTUALLY ACKNOWLEDGED THE HISTORY BEHIND WHIPPING BUT DIDNT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK. MOM. MOM MOM MOM. LISTEN. THEY DONT CARE. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THIS EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. another day, the sweetest little seventh grade boy, robert, was walking by our lunch tables. he's super sweet and is a bit larger than other kids, but why should that matter? this boy, peyton fucking trump supporter fucking baucom said, "hey fatass" to robert. why? why why why why why why why ???????????? i don't know. i don't get it. they haven't ever spoken to each other before, so why on earth was he compelled to say such a gross remark. robert didn't know how to respond, so he just frowned at himself and kept on walking. sad enough, right? wrong. robert is autistic and cannot easily verbally communicate. obviously i wasn't going to stand for this, so i got our vice principal and explained what happened (substituting fatass for fatty). mr chandler talked to peyton at his table, then walked off. obviously, it appeared nothing had been done, so i told the teacher in charge of his class. she seemed beyond pissed, so i thought something would actually happen. instead, she got mr chandler. chandler said he had it handled. while walking by the office later, i saw peyton leave -- with a smile. good job, chandler !! quite the damn good job you did !! you know who else did something utterly gross? matthew fucking probably most likely indeed a trump supporter fucking baucom. what's with these baucoms? they're all over the place and each one is getting on my last. fucking. nerve. it turns out he and one of his buddies made fun of robert too. i don't know the kid and i don't know his friend, but for some reason people like to report these things to me? maybe it's because i express my sadness through anger, and they really want to see me punch a kid. to be quite honest, i've been ready to punch any kid at my school for the last few months. i've been holding back because it won't look good on my record when i apply to duke or some other pristine school, now will it? sometimes i rethink it. maybe if they knew about what kind of kids i'm up against, they'd understand. i know i should be against violence, but what am i to do? how do i express myself in a healthy way? i've been thinking about kickboxing -- but i'm a lazy fatass who can hardly play volleyball, and we are poor as fuck so i have no means in getting lessons. throwing a punch at anything would feel good at this point. a few times now i've had to walk by people clenching my fist and holding my hand to my side. peyton baucom's one of them -- i see him too often. another is bryson williams ? wow could that kid stop being a bother. according to my seventh grade sources, nobody really likes him except people who are annoying like him too. he calls people autistic whores like it's some insult. why? where did he get the idea that being autistic is something bad? just knowing he calls people that makes me want to throttle him. one girl in my grade, ariyaunna (sp?) posted a picture on her instagram. it said, "when a white boy is shooting up the school and the autistic kid runs to it thinking its music" with that one scene of spongebob where squidward is running like a maniac. why? why is that funny? i don't get it. we're surrounded by racist, sexist, islamophobic, homophobic, antisemitic bigots, and you are just going along with them. i know it's wrong to think that because she's black she would differ herself from these people, but honestly, nearly everyone in our school is racist and you have to show the same behaviors but towards the autistic? i guess i just thought that you'd understand the feeling and wouldn't want anyone else to feel the same way -- but obviously, in wrong again, for thinking anyone in my damn school has morals. kids call me a baby slaughterer for supporting abortion, and i know you already know that. what's sad is i can only tell you about the smallest parts of my awful time at school. sure, kids call me a baby slaughterer, but i handled that with a somewhat intelligent essay, and the boy's have even held up their part of the bargain where we don't get into political messes anymore. but that's not the biggest issue anymore. the biggest issue is that my brother is autistic. not many people outside of my global studies class know since i did a presentation about autism and had to explain that i did the project to get a better understanding of how my brother's mind works, and so not many people know of how strongly against bullying of any form (racism, sexism, antisemitism, fascism, islamophobia, homophobia, etc.) i am. even though everyone should be against these basic forms of bullying, these kids grew up surrounded by these disgusting jokes. i get that, i really do, but mom, i need someone or something to vent to. i'm tired of bottling up my feelings but if i share these with you then you'll only worry more about luke at school and if kids are being like this to him, and i don't want that. i want everyone to be happy, but how can i focus on keeping everyone happy when i'm barely focusing on myself? i can't focus on school, volleyball, or my own health and well being with these pigs attending my school. to be honest, i cannot WAIT to attend the boarding school we've been talking about in junior year. it's in the city and its away from the uneducated people i'm constantly surrounded by !! the bummer is that even though i'm surrounded by morons for the most part, i've become super close friends with the few who don't support trump and the nonsense he spews, and i don't want to leave them. grace is moving anyways to be homeschooled, but i'm still able to see her three times a week, and me living three hours away in the city would make it only possible to see each other every few weekends. and connor? he's a lost gay boy stranded in Homophobia City. grace and i are his only true friends that he's come out to -- and how is he supposed to continue to grow without supportive friends ? not to mention he lives in a strict christian household who believes homosexuality is wrong. kiersten is looking for herself whom she lost a way long time ago, and being surrounded by trump supporters only reminds her of the man who supports rape, and the men who support him that have raped her. i don't know how to go on. i know that they may not necessarily need me, but for all hell's sake do i need them. they keep me sane. they keep me happy. they keep me from doing things that i tell myself i won't regret but probably will. i need them, so much. i don't know anymore. i know i don't have to make any decision right away, but my brain is scrambled, and i'm an emotional wreck. even though my friends love me and i love them just as much (if not more), i don't want to burden them with all this pessimism. i hate being pessimistic or negative or anything because it's everything i don't like. i even hate hating people or things !! to be honest, i hate myself because i hate everything, and i don't even get that ?? like how does that make sense ??????? i hate peyton baucom, matthew baucom, aireyaunna deese, and darin fucking brown. nobody can annoy me more than the one and only, darin motherfucking trump fucking supporter fucking gregory fucking brown. i have never been more annoyed by anyone --------- E V E R. how does he do it ?? how does he manage to be everything i hate in one dense moron package ? shivalee once said we're practically each other but as the opposite sex, and i kind of understood it because if i hate myself, then it would make sense for why i hate him, but i hate him for totally different reasons !! i'm negative and pessimistic as hell no matter how much i sing and annoy people with my smile to hide it, but darin brown is a misogynistic, racist, sexist, apathetic bigot. once, in global studies, we had to make a play with a partner with just one line per each of us. with his partner, they performed a suicide. his partner said, "no, juanita, don't do it," then darin said, "why? i have no meaning to life" and proceeded to jump off his chair. mom, i'm so sick of everything. that one time i told you i wanted to die? that i was kind of done with this life? i was serious. i know i told dad later that it was just me wanting attention, but in that moment i was completely and totally serious. i saw no point in doing anything because i felt totally and utterly powerless. i'm stuck, doing the same routine every week with the same people who make me want to cry, and i don't ever leave the house "just because." i want to go on a walk miles away from the house, i want to walk all the way to a center that provides the kind of thought process i support, antitrump. i'm not doing anything, sitting at home, crying while typing letters to people who will never receive them about how antitrump i am. i'm all talk, no bite. i want to go to a rally and tell the part of america that supports trump, "fuck you" and take a stand. people tire me, and i'm done being tired. i want an eventful life that provides me with everything i want to create, invent, and just be. your one and only, most needy and annoying daughter, alexandra xoxo

[haunteddonuts-blog]

dear jake & hudson,

okey listen here motherfuckers: i support the option of abortion (duh) and i don't give two shits if you don't. i'm not surprised you don't because you're cishetero white males and don't have a vagina that an eight pound baby will be exiting. so first: you're not pushing this goddamn baby out. you literally will never understand the pain of pushing a baby out of a vagina so that right there should give you no right in deciding a woman's choice in abortion. second: i won't have an abortion, personally, because i would not be comfortable doing that to what could be my child. also, if i were to be raped and impregnated, i have parents who would be willing to help me raise the child. many women aren't as fortunate as i am. if they are raped and then forced to give birth to the baby, the baby may either go unwanted and then lead to live a depressing life, or the mother may not ever find a place in her life where she has financial stability. that is unfair to the mother and her child. third: if these women are forced to give birth, they may put their children in foster/adoption centers where the children will feel unwanted by their original mother and as said before, lead a life that nobody would bare to want. fourth: if abortion is made illegal, women will just go on the streets and get it done illegally and most likely in unsanitary ways that could also put the woman's life in danger. fifth: sometimes condoms and birth control don't work !! what a shocker !! condoms can break, and birth control can just not work. my mom was on birth control for three of my siblings and still got pregnant, and that's evidence enough. if conservatives are so anti-abortion, why aren't they finding ways to help women prevent getting pregnant in the first place? instead of funding programs to get rid of abortion, fund studies to perfect birth control !! it's not that crazy of an idea. sixth: why the fuck would you care about new babies being brought into this awful world if you don't even care about the refugees and homeless ? these people already HAVE lives. and you're telling them they're "lazy" or "want to use our country for our goods." and hell, i thought you would've learned something from andrew last semester, but i guess not. newsflash: refugees are coming to our country because it's SAFER than where they're fleeing. if you would just give them a chance at a better life in our country they could even improve the economy (even more than obama has in the last eight years)! lastly: i know you both have sisters, so imagine they got raped. would you still support them not getting an abortion? if so, it's probably because you both have parents who would be willing to raise the child as well. so imagine you're not in the financial position you're in. imagine you can hardly afford a new pair of shoes, and have been wearing the same five outfits every week. now, imagine your sister gets pregnant. think of the expense of diapers, baby formulas, a proper crib, a proper changing station, the baby powder, the diapers (again, because you probably thought of too low of an amount). you can't afford shoes, so how in hell are you going to afford all of these items? you can't. and you can't bare to let your soon to be little niece or nephew go feeling unwanted the rest of their lives in adoption centers and hopping from foster home to foster home. you may not have imagined that because you're so entitled, but that case happens to women and girls across the country all the time. i suggest you get off your high horse and out of your damn shoes and into theirs. i know that might not change your viewpoint of abortion, and you might not even have read that, but please just stop with the politics in school. it's pointless if neither of us are willing to change our points of view. (PS !! you two are the first i've ever sent a heartfelt letter to. usually i just type them with no intention of sending, but i did it this time, and it turned out to work because we agreed on no more bickering over politics in school! you may remain a racist, sexist, dumbass, but at least my intelligence will not be dulled by your useless responses that will never make me reconsider my viewpoint of donald trump. enjoy :) xx)

[haunteddonuts-blog]

dear mrs goodman,

i don't know whether your sex life has started an uphill race or you just genuinely like the kids in my class again for no reason, but whatever it is, thanks. keep it up, because i thought you would be my least favorite class this year, and it's turning out to be the opposite? i love surprises, and this is one of my favorites yet !! thanks for being happy

[haunteddonuts-blog]

dear jesus,

we don't talk much in our classes but i just thought of your name and how weird it must be for you to talk to someone who has to read your name tag at work or something before hearing you say your name and then i thought about when you propose to a girl will you say "will you be the mary to my jesus?" and then i realized that mary is jesus' mother not wife or lover bc he never got it on, right? i know mary didn't bc she's Mary the Virgin like that show Jane the Virgin, but i haven't look at a page in the bible in a while so now i'm wondering how on earth you will propose to your future fiancée, and whether she'll even say yes, because even though i'm on this mission to stop judging people, you're fucking annoying as hell. like are your jokes ever actually funny? all you and tucker ever do is say something like "brick..?" then giggle. like bro they're not even inside jokes that just the only "joke" you come up with and i dOnT gEt It ??

[haunteddonuts-blog]

dear madi

what i did was wrong. i get that. i see that. i know i'm not a good person. and you know what? a lot of people in our area aren't. but at least i'm one of the few who is actually fucking working on it. when you were in shambles over that dumbass cole, i was fucking there. when you told me about how unhappy you were and how depressed you felt, i was there. i think about you and hope you're doing well. do you do that for me? do you think about how i'm feeling? do you think about how i'm completely lying when i say "i'm fine" like i do for you? these are basic friendship qualities for me. and you know what? i have never once asked for anything in return. nothing i've ever done for you have i expected something in return. when you didn't get me a christmas present? who cares ?? because i got you something and it genuinely made you happy which made me happy. when i made that happy jar that is filled with things we made a list of that make you happy so you can pick one out every morning and think about it throughout the rest of the day? i did that because i want you to be happy. that's what friends want for each other, happiness. even strangers should want that for each other, but especially friends. because we've bonded together, and we've become close. or so i thought ?? now, i make one fucking mistake, which i have to admit was a pretty dumbass move on my part, and you don't have the decency to look past it? i mean, i'm sorry i hate myself for everything i do, and i'm sorry i'm a hypocrite because i'm trying to change myself by preaching things i truly believe in but naturally am not, but you know what ?? i shouldn't be apologizing !! i should be being consoled by you, you goddamn motherfucker. now i realize that, yet again, one of my friendships is entirely one-sided. you say you care, you say you hope i'm doing well, you say you want me to be happy, but you've never ONCE proved it. i'm sick of this bullshit. moving from this conservative hellhole will be the most exciting thing in my life, and i'm excited to leave you behind with it. fuck. you.

[haunteddonuts-blog]

Helpful Makeup Videos

How to use Concealer

Best Contouring Products

How to prime your eyelashes

Benefit Shy Beam Tutorial

How to hide being sick

How to do your makeup for summer

How to use eyeshadow as eyeliner

Are MAC products worth the hype?

Is the Charlotte Tilbury FilmStar Bronze & Glow Worth The Hype?

How to look chic and sophisticated

How to Set Your Makeup in Place

Best setting powders

[haunteddonuts-blog]

a message i almost sent, but ultimately couldn't because who expresses everything they're feeling when they're the least in shambles?

i mean connor needs us and so does grace, and i know connor and grace are super close friends and connor is out of the closet to just a few people, and she's his biggest influencer as a friend to be himself i think. and so when he says he can't get on without her, i don't think he means to be making it about himself, but he's just as worried about his future as the rest of us are, and without grace we would all be in shambles. i don't think there's a "side" to be on right now, but grace is really the most out of place, but im also worried that if we focus too much on grace then we forget connor and he falls apart and i really don't know right now but it's just a lot of stress and i'm used to being stressed but one of my best friends got high when she was actually trying to kill herself and my mom just mentioned to me the other day after seeing her dad's suicide note on my phone that this is a lot of weight on my shoulders and i was like what no it's not but now it's like holy cow yes it is and i have an exam next week and i have to try to bring up my grade in there but how am i supposed to do that when one of my closest friends is in shambles and so is connor and so are you a lot of the time and so is madi and it just seems like everyone is losing it and i don't know what to do because i want to be there for everyone but i can't because i don't have the time and space and then i just got close with my teammates in volleyball and they make me so happy and it's not like you guys don't but it's like we are all a mess and they are all put together so it makes me comfortable to know somebody somewhere has their stuff together and they're my friends !! like who would've thought??

[haunteddonuts-blog]

i don't think many people really think about how much land is taken up by a highway or think about what it looked like beforehand, but now that my area (the very rural, country south) has a huge unnecessary highway taking up acres upon acres upon acres of beautiful land, i can tell you that it absolutely sucks.

[haunteddonuts-blog]

passing a graveyard with a fence

dad: hey you know why there's a fence around that graveyard? me & my sister: no ? dad: because everyone's just dying to get in there

[haunteddonuts-blog]

dear future me,

if you ever are in a point in your life where you are no longer friends with the wonderful grace anderson, go find her, hug her, and apologize. in no way will she ever deserve the loss of a friend, and you need her just as much as she needs you.

[haunteddonuts-blog]

one of the only good things, if not the only good thing, about having long hair is when you wear a tank top and your shoulders are cold so you just cover em up with you luscious mane

[haunteddonuts-blog]

so i felt bad for like two minutes just now bc my friend was trying to pry some info out of me and i couldn't tell her bc i promised this other person what we said would stay between us and so she got pissed but like ?? sorry boo i made a promise and if you can't respect that then get the hell out of my life. like a while back i betrayed her slightly (playing gamepigeon with someone she told me no to) and she was pissssssssed and wouldn't talk to me so i cried bc i legit thought she hated me & we were/are really close friends so obvs i didn't want to lose her bc i lied to her so how the fuck does she not understand i don't want to betray anyone else from that moment on ?? even after i cried she told me she knew how to teach someone a lesson and fuck she did so maybe if she didn't get worked up over me playing gamepigeon with our mutual friend & her ex then maybe i wouldn't be a good person right now and know not to betray someone's trust ?????

[haunteddonuts-blog]

my friend legit copies my tweets instead of retweeting them. she doesn't even bother to crop out the black margin. wtf ??

[haunteddonuts-blog]

oml my sister was talking about some girl with her bf via facetime and she just said "she says she's bisexual but she's seeing a guy ?? like you can't just say you're bisexual and then turn straight" WTF I THOUGHT THIS ONLY HAPPENED IN TEXTPOSTS WHY IS MY SISTER SO IGNORANT

[haunteddonuts-blog]

SO I DECORATED THE HOUSE WITH CHRISTMAS STUFF TODAY AND TRIED PUTTING WHITE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ON MY WALLS BY MY BED BUT THEY ALL FELL OFF AND NOW REMAIN ON ME BECAUSE IM FREEZING COLD AND MY SISTER CAME HOME AND SAW ME AND SAID THAT IT WAS A SAFETY HAZARD AND I WAS LIKE WELL SHIT MAYBE I CAN DIE HERE ON FIRE WHERE IM HAPPIEST, IN MY BED. AND YOU KNOW WHAT SHE FUCKING SAID? SHE SAID "like sams mom lol" LIKE YOU FUCKING BITCH SHE ENCOURAGES MY BAD HABITS OF BINGING ON NETFLIX AND SHE DOESNT WATCH THE SHOW BUT KNOWS HOW MUCH I AM IN LOVE AND DAMN I JUST LOVE HER AND SPN AND EVERYTHING LIKE WOW SHE WOULDNT EVEN HUG ME IDK MAN SO MANY FEELS

[haunteddonuts-blog]

nothing annoys me more than when someone uses "fucking" as an adjective when it could better be used as an adverb. like "my fucking head hurts" vs "my head fucking hurts." we all know which sounds better