haze-in-daze

[haze-in-daze]

I came here happily, but why I left this place crying hard?

[haze-in-daze]

“I wished you well when you wished me hell. If hell means my life without your presence, I’ll choose it, over and over again. No second thought.”

— Haze, when someone wished him hell.

[haze-in-daze]

Am I sick or had I been sick all of these time?

— Haze, in a day when nothing worked well; being none-passionate self he is, purely have minimum to no motivation on doing anything,

[haze-in-daze]

“You’re living a monotonous life yet you’re not trying to make your life more colorful. No, no—I’m not talking about you need to go outside to create big events or messing around, joining crime organizations—no, I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about how you spice up your life. Maybe by making journals when you’re not one who used to that, adding more colors on your tabs, changing your themes and so on. By the way, shouldn’t you… be a bit sorry at yourself for keeping yourself living in this kind of boring, monotonous life yet keep complaining about it? Shouldn’t you feel… ashamed?”

— Haze, staring with clear concern on his face.

[haze-in-daze]

“Fuck that said taking for granted. We’re all taking each others for granted afterall. How many people here not taking benefits from other people’s existence. Shut that fussy mouth, I’m no longer interested staying here.”

— Haze, a day before cutting his ties with the higher ups of the business he’s inheriting from his father.

[haze-in-daze]

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Stories and thoughts are written at random times, with contents that might be triggering. Readers’ discretion is highly advised. Nothing really worth the expectation since things are just for fun, to fill my heart's content, to lessen the weight on these shoulders of mine.

[haze-in-daze]

Matthias Reinard Haze

Friendly by default, Lone-wolfing by choice.

[haze-in-daze]

“Thanks for the good wishes—the wishes that protects me from living an exhausting, pretentious, full of resentment life. It’s such an unfortunate fact that a version of me got vanished each time people cancelled me, yet I still have countless versions of me to be lived in. Until my contract ends, just bear with my existence since I’m not finished here, yet. I don’t want to send my own life away, nor that I want another people to do it for me. I’ll just live as long as He wants me to. We’re not God, why bother trying to change our destined departure?”

— Haze, on people death’s wishes for him.

[haze-in-daze]

Death-Blessed

TW // death

About his new perspective of death after the sudden loss.

“…may he leads a better life. Amen.”

Worn out black suit along with a stem of wicked daisy—its petals are no longer complete—shoved into the left pocket. Despite all of those, he still looks undeniably dashing in the clothes wrapping his thinning body as the result of his inability to have proper rest these days.

As the sun goes higher, people, one by one started to leave the cemetery. The crowd, consisting of heart-wrenching sniffles and sad cries slowly losing its loudness, leaving the place with nothing but slightly suffocating silence.

The said lad’s still in daze, eyes never once leaving the colorful greenery where his treasured friend having their final rest under the angels wings, being fully guarded and protected from those unwanted possibilities.

“You should rest well,” muttering alone, he crouches down to put the daisy next to the tombstone, adding more white to those existing bouquets, his soft laughter spilled after his sentence came to the end. “Here, I’m congratulating you with this daisy; said it means a new start, a new beginning. Sorry, it’s no longer fresh since I bought it last night. Look, I’m so thoughtful, right?”

Obviously, there’s no replies coming. Just a delicate wind blowing, grazing his skin as if someone’s trying to comfort him, consoling the shattered heart due to the unfortunate event happened out of the blue.

All felt peaceful yet blue until the sudden laughter causing him to lift his head, trying to locate the source of the happy noises at this kind of place.

‘Unbelieveable,’ he thinks.

Heart paced up and he licks his lips, many series of long breathings leaving his lips as he tried to calm himself down. Both eyes shut tight, fingers grabbing his edge of shirt, letting it be heavily crumpled as the result of his action. Afterall, just because he’s mourning, it doesn’t mean others must mourn with him and their right of being happy is nullified. Just because he’s in heavy pain, it doesn’t mean everyone will put their sympathy on him and will cheer him up until he feels better. The universe surely doesn’t work that way.

By the end of the day, he can’t help but accepting the fact that never once the universe is being fair. The only fairness it always shows is no other than the unfairness itself, since it’s truly for everyone, no in between, no selection. The universe is undoubtly a perfect example of betrayal, one of the biggest cases, even.

Creaking noises as some branches being stepped on truly helped him getting back to the reality. As he finally regains his composure after those series of thoughts, tons of memories hit him like crazy, the will-never-happen-again moments kept flashing in his head, resulting him failing to keep himself balanced. Rather than fighting it, he just lets his body fell off to the ground, no longer care about the amount of dirt that will stain his clothes.

“Guess I’ll just sit here for awhile.”

Light tone along with soft laughter aired and he pops a thin, slightly painful smile on his façade with gaze still attached at the stone. Small tear escaped from the corner of his eye and he chuckles before taking long breaths, forcing himself to fill his lungs with oxygen as soon and as much as possible since the suffocation began to stress him out, ignite more pile of triggering thoughts.

Death always felt so unreal to him.

It’s crystal clear, how they both finally headed to their own rooms after a long, highly enjoyable night, chit-chatting over countless shots of alcoholic drinks. Laughter and jokes being thrown all night long, with several light smacks and snacks between the questions since they were doing the spill or drink game. It’s still as fresh as the scent of freshly baked breads on the tray being pulled out from the oven, ready to be eaten. Some Nutella spread on the surface followed by him taking a quick shower only to find his friend sleeping peacefully on the couch; that turned out to be an eternal peaceful sleep.

Just like how the warm breads gradually getting colder, the warmth that once there began to fade as well. Just like how the flowers welcoming the spring by popping colors at every inch of the city, that day they also created their very own garden of flowers.

It’s undoubtly weird to say, but really, what a peaceful day to sleep forever.

The sadness surely is easy to be spotted on; yet the fact how peaceful their death was and the cause of fatality brought a huge relief to him.

At least, they left at ease. At least, they died peacefully. At least, they smiled at their last breath.

His heart might felt like being stabbed by thousand swords, ripped and shredded into million pieces, squeezed out dry to the level he ain’t able to feel things for awhile. Crumbled and shattered, his world doesn’t exist for a moment. Yet at the same time, some people out there are celebrating things, focusing on their very own worlds.

“My days will be way more lonelier without you around,” he mumbled again, tears are overflowing, making clear rivers on both cheeks. “But I’ll try to live my best so we can reconcile next time. I wish I can be blessed like you.”

Big lump suddenly being gathered in his throat; heavy heart, heavy breathing, forcing him to tilt his head, facing the now greyish sky, ready to pour its water—to cry with him. Beads by beads, until he’s fully drenched.

It’s truly amusing how a moment can be interpreted into many things, depends on who and what are they currently having. Mourning in silence, both eyes shut with bowed head, crying to his heart content, letting his sadness to be washed out after feeling every single possible thing.

Fifteen, thirty, sixty—he truly lost in count at how long has he been there. The fact that he began to shiver visibly and breathing got way more difficult than before, tickling the last sanity left inside him, forcing him to get up from the now slightly muddy place. It’s hard to do, leaving the place when his heart is still there, lying six feet under. He wants to stay longer, but time is always rolling, forcing him to roll around with life even though he doesn’t want to.

As a loud thunder flared up at the sky, he unwillingly took his leave. Turning his head for the last time with a small smile on, waves his hand before getting lost in the very generous amount of rain that won’t be stopping at anytime soon.

“I envy you, for being death-blessed. Rest well, mate. We’ll meet again afterall, sooner or later.”

[haze-in-daze]

The ‘Special’ Meaning

Concealing the bubbling envious by conversing with himself.

“You’re so special to me.” Hearing the sentence thrown just like that by the couple standing beside him, a smile suddenly popped on his face. Gaze slowly panned from straight-to-whatever-sitting-in-front-of-him down to the ground they’re standing on. He said nothing, lips are tightly shut but his edge of lips is wriggling, creating a thin, crooked smile. No, it’s not because he found it funny. He's just amused at how the lad used the word ‘special’ previously. As time passes by, he began to question even the littlest, the most insignificant things revolve around him, leading him to be often found in his little own world, just like the way he is. Letting a long breath escaped his lips as he brings head tilted up, once again staring at the drizzle hitting the ground, creating beautiful splashes here and there. He lost in count at how many times he heard that word being delivered to him, either it's to give him a relief or just, empty sentence to lift him up, letting the ego of him to be fed. Light snorts can be heard shortly after as he refrains himself from laughing, feeling funny hearing his own thoughts flying here and there in his head, recalling memories and left feelings in every corners of his heart. No, he‘s not hating it. Instead, he loves it. Yet the more his hearing caught the phrase, the louder his doubtful self screaming inside, denying in any way possible, sometimes even getting him questioning the left meaning behind it. Everyone’s special, but to what extent? Everyone’s one of a kind, but is everyone really one of a kind? Some people bound because of their similar interests; same likings, same hobbies, same missions, same principals. As if it’s explaining how people are so different yet so same. Everyone’s so special yet so usual. As if, there’s no reason left for people wanting to be treated better—unless they’re able to treat others good as well. Another small laughter followed by thin smile came to the façade as he extends his hand to feel the rain, checking whether the rain has stopped or still wanting to water the earth, letting the living things got their water needs. Maybe, he needs to rethink his thoughts, embracing the specialness of himself as well.

[haze-in-daze]

The Happen Endings

Lost in thoughts, found in nothingness but realizations.

What makes your anxiety roses high so easily? What makes you unable to sleep at nights? What makes you stare into nothingness, having thoughts on things might never happen? It's the uncertainty. The weight it holds, the idea of nothing we’re holding onto. Nowhere to lean, nowhere to explain. ——— As much as those waves hitting the rocks, scratching every inches of those, bringing some grains of minerals as they pulled themselves back to where they came from—the ocean, that might be as much as how long the lad in the school uniform has been drowning deep in his own thought, unable to care less about his surrounding. Freezing weather, salty wind, noises coming from the waves that won’t ever stop knocking ones’ hearing, together along with the rustling leaves, singing such a melodious harmony of a nature, something that might not be able to be offered other than the universe itself. Everything looks peaceful, as if it's able to fill the heart’s content. “I’ve been looking for you.” Upon the sentence, nothing but a stoic response gained from the sitting male. Being too immersed in his own thoughts surely makes him currently unavailable in this world. He’s now residing in the nothingness—even his gaze no longer able to tell what’s going inside the one’s head. He’s nothing but an empty shell. Breathing, but no longer living. Damp hair, chapped lips. Rosy cheeks, pale palms. Full of contradictions, like the two sides of coin. “How much longer you want to live like this?” By the time he finished his question, he finally got a feedback from the person beside. His gaze is still as empty as ever, but the tickling curiosity began to spark on those pair of brown eyes, asking the other to continue anything they were going to tell. No eye contact happened as every sentences rolled from one’s lips—sometimes being overlapped by the loudness of the waves crashing the beach for the numerous times. Both are busy fighting with their own thoughts, trying to recall things that have been residing too long in their bottom of hearts, heavily buried in the far back of their memories, heavily rusted before finally forgotten. “Until I’m able to comprehend these.” Index finger pressed against his forehead, a bit harder than it looks since it left a small dent by the end of the nail. “I’m no longer able to understand myself.” Silence is all can be heard. Even for a moment, the moon decided to hide behind the clouds, busy cuddling with the stars behind the soft blankets, clearly don’t want to meddle in anything they’re engaging with. When finally the heavy atmosphere being broken by the male who just came recently—not by his voice, at first—but by a polaroid photo that being laid on the other’s lap, sitting there along with a burnt letter, trail of wetness can be clearly seen on its envelope. “I found those in one of your drawers when I were looking for the book I was going to borrow." As the explanations are being made, he himself began to bring himself to stand. Dusting off the sand on his pants, then finally pocketing his hand, deep. “I know how much you treasure these, how much you love these. Yet by the end of the day, it will still break, forcing you to accept the reality that, this actually happens.” An arm slowly stretched toward the sitting lad, earning a questioning look as their eyes finally met, gazing each other as their contradicting expressions came to the display; one is blooming a warm smile despite the coldness that began to wrap them up, sending shivers right to their bones, meanwhile the other is keeping the flat expression since he has no idea how to respond the oddity the person is showing. “Let’s make your own happen ending before creating some new starts. But this time, I’ll help you on finding those answers you’re looking for.”

Another moment of silence being summoned to their existence, yet somehow, the freezing night becomes way a lot warmer than the moments ago. Another arm reaching the previously extended and the sitting male finally makes his way to stand on his own feet.

“I want to hug you right now.”

“You better give me one right now because apparently, I’m literally freezing, well—massive thanks to you.”

Crisp laughter now joined the air, adding more colors to the crashing waves and whistling wind, warming the heart that previously being locked in the unknown coldness. Heavy steps and lighthearted jokes, replacing the days that has been dulled by unknown reasons. They both acknowledge, even with their fingers being intertwined tightly as they walk the rough paths offered by the life, nothing will be able to change the fact that they’re facing no other than grayish future, containing much more uncertainties. Yet only by knowing they have someone who’d be able to catch them when they’re falling, providing warmth when it’s chokingly cold, guiding things when they’re lost—or even worse, being lost together, that’s enough, at least, for now. It's more than enough. As the sky gets darker and the night falls even deeper, the previous laughter is now replaced by heavy breathings. Contented smile on both facades, completing the heavily lit gazes in those pair of eyes, filled with the new hopes that being made in their loud silence. ———

Even though the answer itself aren’t here yet, Even though the future is still so far from clear, Even though the endings aren’t happening yet,

Knowing the journeys will never be this lonely anymore, nothing can be compared to this soothing feeling.

Rather than fighting the unwritten ends, Let alone rumbling with the puzzled possibilities. Eating the soul bit by bit, Until nothing left but the insanity. As things get their own beginnings, Leading to ones called endings, The never-ending cycles that will keep happening, Since life itself is a series of happen endings.