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july 4th, 2023. 3:36am.
i hope you can forgive me and you can look at me like you used to again.
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may 27, 2023. 5:06pm
what the fuck are we doing… i feel helpless and lost.
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april 2nd, 2023. 11:18 am.
i just remembered the first time we made a fort with the couch cushions and sheets and stayed in there together for a couple of days. in our own little world. it’s one of my favorite memories together. that was also one of the funniest moments when the lil crackheads were knocking on our door for 2 hours for the molly. anyway, i’ve been thinking a lot about all the good times we’ve had instead of the bad. all those memories together both good and bad is what makes me want to be with you even more. obviously just you is what makes me want to be with you but just knowing more of those memories will happen brings a smile to my face.
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december 29th, 2022. 11:51 pm.
i’m so excited to see you & spend time with you but i’m also so nervous. there’s things i’ve been waiting to talk to you about & im scared of how much it’ll hurt you. i know it needs to be said in order for us to ever try to be together but i know it’ll change things between us. i love you too much to not do this right next time.
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december 23, 2022. 1:18pm.
why do i want to talk to you so bad all the time.
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december 21, 2022. 11:35pm.
sometimes i feel like i’m going to regret not forgiving you sooner. i could be in your arms right now..
sometimes i feel like i can’t think for my best interest when i’m with you & need that space for myself. although that time always confirms how much i just want to be with you, will that one day fade? because so far it only gets worse.
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december 16, 2022. 2:10 am.
i feel a little confused sometimes. is probably mostly fear/doubts. fear we won’t be able to get past certain things.
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december 2, 2022. 9:44 am.
there’s mornings like today that are full of painful memories & feelings. recently the moments that have hurt me the most have been your coke usage during times i needed you the most. during the time petunia ran away & being the most vulnerable i’ve ever been & finding out you were still using absolutely broke me & left me alienated. i didn’t have anyone. your apology that time when you told me every truth you had felt desperate more than anything. i felt your fear of losing me. i do admit that i wish i had better coping mechanisms other than petunia at the time. she was & still is everything to me. she changed me in ways i can’t even describe & so did you. to lose both of you in the same time right after having just left my family to create a life with you was disorienting. i can still feel that pain, moving back home & being reminded of how good petunia had it is a kick in the face. this pain has always been complicated for me because that day i found out about you using again was intertwined with the worst pain of my life & im realizing there’s layers to my forgiveness to you that aren’t even about you. there’s a part of my pain for petunia that i have to resolve before trusting you completely again. i’m not sure if that’s completely true but it’s what it feels like to me. there’s a big part of me that is scared to trust you again because you’ve always cared & loved me, even during your worst & darkest times. which to me, is scary because even if you were to use or cheat again, there’s a chance i wouldn’t know just how i didn’t before. & i know it’s not as simple as that & there’s more to it but it just feels like that at times.
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november 17, 2022. 2:01 am.
holding back on talking to you is hard. i said id keep my distance but i can’t help but wonder how your day went & how you’re doing. i want your affection & want to tell you how proud i am of you. i wish we could work on ourselves together sometimes, most of the time really but i know it’s something we need to do alone at the time. atleast i do. writing in these sometime bring up random painful thoughts & it really helps. you talk about accepting your past & looking forward into the future & the moments in the present that you can control & i completely understand & agree with you but at the same time, im still stuck in the pain & hurt i felt at the time. i know it’s naive of me to think our relationship could’ve been perfect (i know it wouldn’t have ever been) but it hurt to have my trust shattered from someone i never thought would hurt me in such a way. i know it sounds dumb but it’s like the fairytale was crushed. thinking it was a fairytale in the first place was maybe where i went wrong but that’s what hurts. our love & my time with you feels so unreal & magical & cliche that i got swept up in that. maybe it’s just the hurt in me thinking that for now. our connection will always feel like a fairytale, i can’t deny that. anyway. idk. part of me is forgiving you. the other part is stuck.
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november 15, 2022. 4:27am
i really miss you. every single part of my body wants to be with you, it physically hurts. i was hoping it would have gotten better by now but it’s getting worse. i love you so much daniel, i wish we could be together but unfortunately that can’t happen at the moment. i’m still in pain from everything to be honest with you. although, that’s not what i came to talk about. i just, think about special moments with you a lot. i can’t let those memories go & i mean, i never will but i just. i long for the feelings & the touch from all those memories too often. i want to be held & hold you. i want to caress your face & scratch your beard. fuck i wish i could kiss you or make out with you for hours.
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september 28, 2022. 10:16pm.
i really hope we work out in the end.
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september 28, 2022. 2:42am.
part of me wants to tell you every corny thought i’ve had since i moved back. part of me also wants to just talk about everything & all the reflection we’ve both done and another part of me wants more time still. your energy & presence brought me so much joy & bliss, it’s greatly missed. i had missed my own energy as well though, my own time & space have done wonders. thinking back on us during long distance & how well we still worked. part of me thinks of it like that at times, i think it’s my own coping. sometimes it feels like i’ll see you soon & it’ll be okay, i guess i can still feel you here with me. maybe that’s just my own coping, not sure. maybe i’m going crazy, we’ll i am a little bit but aren’t we all. anyway. i don’t know if i’m able to let you go & it scares me. maybe i need to get some sleep, i miss the quality of sleep i had when you were next to me a lot. every morning day & night. at anytime i’m laying down or in a cozy position. although sometimes i do like my solitude but that’s assumed. i think you know what i mean. goodnight dear.
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september 27, 2022. 3:52am.
things have been hard. i have things i want to tell you but i know i need to wait. it makes me happy knowing you’re doing better, it also hurts i’m not there to personally witness it but that’s okay. there’s things that need to happen before we could even think about coming into each other’s lives again. i came here to say that i wish i could tell you how much i miss you. idk that seems a little silly almost. anyway, i stalk your socials a little too much honestly. i need to stop looking at them, it really just makes me overthink but i can’t help see what you’re up to. we texted this week & it hurt me to tell you to keep it at “necessary conversations” but it was also for the best at this moment. i also can’t stop wearing one of your shirts but i’m not sure if it’s genuinely that its such a good sleeping shirt or that it’s yours. probably both. idk, it does make me think of you so i guess it is that it was yours. i absolutely love how you gave me your clothes all the time, wearing them made me feel all yours. i mean i guess that’s the point of giving me your clothes but i just, really enjoyed that. the old gucci cologne bottle made me cry & smile the other day. anyway, im getting off track here. i typed out a post before this but it’s in my drafts so it’ll get posted after this one and i said this on that other one but i just hope you don’t read these right away. i need to post them to feel like i’ve actually said it & not just typed it out to save to my drafts or something. i guess once i’m ready for you to read it, i can let you know they’re here or something idk. not sure if i’ll get the courage but we’ll see. i’ll post this before i start simpin too hard.
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well i haven’t written anything for a bit so i’m going to try and do it now. i feel like every time i have time to write i can’t think of anything but when i’m busy, all my thoughts just start flowing. so. a part of me wants to work things out and really see where this goes and another part of me wants nothing to do with it… my guard is up and i’m not exactly sure how to lower it at this point. my feelings for you haven’t changed at all and i don’t think they will, so that’s not the problem. i guess part of me doesn’t think you deserve that whatever number chance. my mind keeps convincing me that this time will really be my fault when something happens again. it’s hard to not feel like it’s my fault even when i know it had nothing to do with me, it’s just forgiving you those times and then having it happen once again was the biggest slap in the face. listening to your own insecurities with cheating and how much you went through it, i was just completely blindsided and it hurt even more. knowing that you knew what it felt like but still did it. and i understand that you weren’t exactly thinking about it like that and it’s the disease. trust me i get it. it’s just how could i ever trust you not do the same thing again? spending these last few weeks with you doing everything we should have been doing hurts a bit because i know we work together so perfectly and we can do so much together. even with time passing, i can’t unsee those messages. my insecurities just got so much worse and i know i don’t deserve that, that’s what makes this situation so difficult… still trying to figure things out i guess.
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march 14, 2022. 5:47am- 6:11am.
my love,
i believe you. i want you to get the help you need and get better. i also want you to know that no matter what, you’ll always be my person. this is the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do, leaving your side. i never thought i would be, it really hurts. it’s a physical pain and emotional pain, it’s the worst feelings all at once. i hate to see you going through this, i just want to hold you and kiss you and tell you i’m not going anywhere. i want to make you think of our amazing future and all the fun we’ll have. i’m absolutely in love with you, i can’t see that changing. i know i always will be. i mean that. you’re everything. you’re right, this is completely different from any of both of our past experiences, i think we both knew that though. i just want to reassure you that i suppose. i’ve been thinking about your venting yesterday and there’s a few things i need you to know. you’re not the villain in my story. ofcourse i wish you didn’t do some things or even kept them from me but i also know how much this drug or even all substances in general have hurt you. a lot of collateral damage. i’m getting side tracked. i’ve just seen how deep into the abyss you’ve gone and how hard you wanted to get out. part of me understands your bubble and just wanting to escape reality and go back to a time it wasn’t real maybe or pretend it’s not happening, idk. i’m still trying to wrap my mind around it honestly. i just, don’t think you wanted to hurt me. it’s hard to put the intent and the result apart. because it happened. there’s consequences to your actions. your actions are your choices. part of me is fuming in anger. also, part of me is really sleepy and i need to get to bed. i’ll try to continue this thought tomorrow.
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