healthyfromtheinsidefirst-blog

[healthyfromtheinsidefirst-blog]

update?

I’m still using distraction as my main focus when coping. Today I bought three canvases and more paints, so I feel like that was a step in the right direction. I have still been seeing my friends a lot. James and I keep talking, for various reasons. I know I have other options than to sit here and explain to him why he ruined this for us, but I catch myself fantasizing about conversations that never happened and never will happen. I want him to admit that I can see what he’s doing, and that I’m not using guesswork. He flaked on me this morning, and has made a plan for picking up stuff tonight. Do I think it’s because he didn’t have my pots ready? No. Because I had a solution to that, and that was when I offered him my old pots. He made that the reason though, and then added in a few things about why he’s soooo stressed out with work that he couldn’t make it... Immediately after I said flaking wasn’t okay because of the unnecessary anxiety I had experienced anticipating his arrival. Cue the pity and subject change? I suspect he wants me to fear bringing a guy over (or something like this) because he could walk through the door. I think he wants to keep me close, keep an eye on me, keep an eye on the place. He ironically ruined that opportunity for himself today, too. When I asked about getting my stuff back, he basically just said he needs to be compensated for the couch. Aha! He’s gotten me! Distracted from what I’m rightfully about to ask for, and turned into offense about the couch! He got me! Now he doesn’t have to process my request, and he’s back in the driver’s seat of the conversation. Although at this stage, I know him and his family well enough to know sweet V & P probably aren’t harping on him for a few hundred bucks between his episodes of sadness. So I text his mom, who is so sweet by the way, and I say “I understand that you and P want some compensation for the couch you kindly provided us with, how much do you think is fair? I’ll send a cheque, and I’m sorry for the stress this is causing everyone.” She literally responds saying that they didn’t want any compensation and that its mine to have... She even thanked me for thinking of offering money! She concluded the message with reassurance that James will be financially helped by them in the new place. Which is basically a polar opposite response from the dog-stuck-out-in-the-cold-rain-with-nowhere-to-go image James was trying to paint for me. What if I had given him that money? I was so angry (but also relieved) when his mom answered me. How dare he make her look unreasonable like that to me? Like the pity I would feel for someone who is abandoned vs. the pressure for me to pick up this slack? What a turbulent internal fight for me to experience! It wasn’t even true!  The reason he ruined the suspect ~returning for stuff + spying ~ gig, is because he added while whining to me that his parents aren’t helping him financially (which isn’t true), that he wants his half of the damage deposit back. So i tell him he needs to discuss with.... our landlord? Because its not my contract nor my damage deposit? Like I’d go out of my way bothering Moon for something that will cost me his half of the damage deposit... ANYWAY, he ended up texting her about it. She got all flustered and confused, and when I asked her to come to my suite to discuss a new lease, this is what she said: James must remove all of his items, give the key back, and not be around the property. And not keep leaving stuff. Hilariously, she said that he’s ‘just making excuses’ about not being able to take it all tonight, and that if she could fit the supplies to rebuilt the garage on her Prius, that he would manage with the surfboards just fine. She also said that if she sees him tonight, she’ll tell him that he can’t keep his stuff here. She wants to only have me on the lease, only me in the house, and only my belongings in the house. Welp. I guess this is forcing me to make the right choices. Thank you universe. 

[healthyfromtheinsidefirst-blog]

Idk what to write but here it is

So I’ve needed to make some serious changes in my life and I would say that I’ve made a few good steps towards this. I have not been alone the last few days, which is good, and I think I needed to be with friends. I did find myself not doing a lot of healing, though, I just caught myself drinking and trying to seek distractions.  I had a counselling appointment last week, where I got insight as to my feelings towards ending things with James. I went forward with this choice and asked him to move out for a month. I have yet to open up to anyone that thinks our fights aren’t super strange. Even my father, who is really tolerant and understanding, thinks that our reasons for arguing are foolish. He kept reminding me that in marriage, the things life throws at a family is what causes stress and fighting (like disease, birth, death, moving, natural disaster...) and not the mundane things of everyday life. I do really value his opinion, he was hesitant to give me any concrete advice though, he just kept saying ‘this doesn’t look good, myah”. And not in a shameful way, but just that the situation doesn’t seem to be working out.  I do feel lonely, but a lot less sad since James has been out of the house. I’ve only cried a few times. I’m wondering if part of my crying was because him being here was so overwhelming. I hope, for his sake too, that he’s crying less with me away from everyday stuff. I’m anxious about the end of the month and about him returning to get more things periodically. He has been posting a ton on social media. I think to get my attention or something. Or just to get attention from others, I don’t know. It’s hard to say. I don’t even know why my thought process is like that now though, I don’t think I would have had those thoughts before. I wanted to backspace that part but I want to read my own process. I think it’s important...   I feel terrible making such waves in his life, but what i’ve realized is that the majority of the waves are actually here because of him, and I’m just responding to my environment. I am not causing the ripples to begin with.  I spent the last two days with my friend Jasmine, and Prabh joined us yesterday. I think that having these two girls listen to what I was feeling and going through was hard because by opening up about my feelings, I kind of put him off the menu forever. I don’t want to drag his name, I never wanted that at all. I do see parts of him as good and caring, but I don’t think any of my friends will see him in a good light anymore. They told me they think he’s dangerous.  In a way, they are holding me accountable to stay apart. I think I need that because I recall so many times where I would defend/buffer James’ controlling/anxious behaviors. I found myself feeling weird and uncomfortable if I defended him because a very deep part of me knew what I was saying wasn’t true - and that the things he was saying and doing hurt me.  But I would just tell everybody that he cared so much about me, or that he was a poor lil thing with trust issues and that I was honored to be the ‘good girl’. He is not some helpless little man, he is a 24-year-old with an education, fully capable of owning his own actions. I needed to stop letting myself feel like it was my job, and only my job, to be this person for him. He needs to be this person for himself. He won’t see it yet, but I think by not enabling this behavior anymore I am helping him in the biggest way.  I think the other thing that made leaving the obvious right choice was when I realized that of all the people on this earth, your partner should be the proudest and most supportive of who you are. 

He fell for me, sexy photos and all, and now he wants to rein it in, control, censor, modify for his own mental wellbeing. I would be enabling him to stay in this weak, insecure place if I did that. 

I almost want him to see somebody else, sleep with somebody, i don’t know. Not because I am over him, I’m not, but because I think the tingle of guilt or the warmth that happens when you’re doing something new might just give him the push to clarity that he needs so badly. He needs something unfamiliar where he can’t push his own insecurity agenda. He has victimized himself and used me as the weapon. I’m not a fucking weapon.  I am soft, sweet, kind, caring, funny, and fucking loyal.  How dare he?