hearingmyselftalk

[hearingmyselftalk]

interesting phenomenon, really

the things you learn from the people that you date. 

you learn what you like and what you don’t like, what you’ll tolerate and what you absolutely won’t stand for... but something i never thought about until my last relationship is: what are peoples thresholds forreal? and at what point is acknowledging these thresholds the right time to?

what do i mean by thresholds? people’s tolerance, expounded. what are people really willing to put up with when it comes to a boyfriend/girlfriend. you know how people date and joke around and say, “if i were to get into some kind of freak accident and left bound to a wheelchair for the rest of my life, would you still love me?” that’s a super high threshold innit? 

if we were to scale a threshold or were to explain different levels of tolerance as scenarios to ME, they would go as follows;

-losing a job -finding out you’re depressed/anxious some other kind of mental ailment -repetitive, never ending, annoying arguments -physical ailment, something long term or something like losing a limb, or facial disfigurement -toxic arguments where there are often low-blows, using something said in confidence to you as a defense, verbal abuse -terminal illness of yourself or direct family members -death of a close family member

along the lines, i’m sure there are other various scenarios that would test a persons tolerance or their threshold for dealing with you like if you murdered someone or, just having too different of opinions or even something smaller (i guess i figure the smaller things would get weeded out earlier because if those things bother you now, you figure you would address them now, but that’s for another time) however, you really have to know the person you’re dealing with.

that’s really my bottom line. it sounds so simple like when you say it outloud, but really, investing so much emotionally and mentally into a person, when it comes down to bullet two, repetitive, annoying never ending fights... i’m just different because one) i believe in picking and choosing your battles and two) i genuinely have thought ive found the person that i would obviously prefer not to have fights with, but if they were gonna be with anybody, they’d be with you...and it doesn’t ever happen like that for me is what i’m trying to say. 

i’ve grown EXPONENTIALLY when it comes down to how i handle my relationships. i really really need to work on the whole “leave before you get left” ideology because it’s not working. it just doesn’t work. and that’s not even what i really want. i’m truly a lover, and im a firm believer in fighting for the shit that you really want. nobody ever wants to fight for me though. LOL. i read in mark mansons book unfuck yourself, about being a winner. telling myself we weren’t going to end up together and we would stop talking, is me being me, self sabotaging, and at this point, miss me with manifestation because that shit doesn’t work for me either, but saying that and then it happening is literally me winning. but in the bad way. in the way that mark said that we fuck ourselves. by inadvertently or subconsciously and even really more often than not consciously make decisions and essentially have thoughts that turn into exactly what ends up happening. i end up winning but not really in the way i want. 

but then i ask myself, can i even be mad, really? can i? i knew that he wasn’t sure about me for a long time, so i believe i’m equally guilty of knowing the cards could have fell like this. but then the lover in me says, i stayed to see if anything would change, but the reality is, you can’t love someone into loving you. and as much as i wanted to put a lot of ... i don’t want to say blame but a lot of the weight on “a man” knowing about you, right, knowing if you’re “the one” or “her”, but i feel like if you’re in a place where you’re even questioning if you think he’s certain about you, or if you’re ballsy enough and wanna fucking ask, hey, how do you really feel about me, do you feel like i could be right, or am i just for right now, and if he straight up tells you, it ain’t you, you’ve got choices, but one of them ISN’T getting mad at the fact ya’ll break up because he finally decided he didn’t want to be with you anymore.

how mad can you get, can you be, really, right? if you willingly participate and spend time and make yourself available for someone who reciprocates time and energy but not affection. they won’t talk about relationships with you in a realistic way. they speak to you as if everything is up in the air and they have no kind of control or role to play in the situation. you can’t be mad at that. you can’t blame someone for finally making up their mind. 

and, speaking of getting mad, you can’t get mad about someone not being sure about spending the rest of their life with you, or even what a future looks like with you, if you yourself can’t even see the future!! make it make sense. the only concrete plan i really have for myself is suicide, and i’m a super high functioning depressive, so that sounds really sad or whatever, but i mean, really, that’s the only thing my mind reverts to whenever i think about the future forreal. even when i’m “happy*”, i don’t ever see me 5 or 10 years from now, like in a better place, happy. 

i wonder if that’s because i’m just a negative, miserable ass person, or if, like i’ve said before, my depression just really does not allow me to see into the future. i don’t even like trying to project months time, because fuck, anything could happen. it seems easier to predict negative timelines or realities than positive ones, because my happiness doesn’t really seem to exceed 2 years. and sick of me to frame the basis of my happiness on when i was in relationships but i know me. but really, i don’t see anything when i think about the future, it’s like just this completely blank slate and anything could happen... it’s like im sure ill be alive i guess somewhere but living where? doing what? with who and i had what? nah. it’s just not, realistic, i can’t plan for something i can’t even imagine. 

but i don’t know why being in relationships make me happy?? i’ve tried to reason it within myself and i’ve got some pretty solid theories: - weird familial dynamic when it came to showing and expressing love to each other has me desperate for a non obligatory love, that actually caters to my love language  - obviously being with someone who makes you feel good and you vibe with and shit literally does shit to your chemically but yeah what the fuck ever -trying to make up for attention i didn’t get when my sister was sick, so i’ve turned to romantic love as an escape, or attach romantic love with feeling happy because i was in a serious relationship with someone when my sister first got sick so having that person to go to made me feel better -unprotected sex -im just a codependent person because i dont have any other friends, hobbies, interests or activities i like to do, so being up under someone and consumed with them gives me something to do -gives me hope?

i think i might really be getting down and into some shit right now... i was going to say to myself well why would being in a relationship give me hope, and i know i was saying that because i often feel worthless and like nobody will love me forreal, but it’s like, why is that the basis of happiness for me? i love love, but love might not really fuck with me forreal because the fact that i even am doing this shit for love, but getting fucked by love, or letting some fuck ass boy tell me i’m worthless like be an end all be all for me... or somebody deciding that they don’t want to be with me or that i’m not the girl they want to spend their life with, why should that bother and break me so bad? 

why does that end up being the bottom line or how shit comes back around? i didn’t really attach the fact that i was with someone that made me feel good when i was going through something that would change my life forever. completely. i think this is it. i rely so heavily on relationships as a source of happiness because when i was at my lowest, my relationship made me feel good. 

it just dawned on me, i’ve never had a relationship that ended on a healthy amicable note, or that wasn’t overly explosive and “passionate”... and i think i blow up because i associate people i love leaving me, with abandoning me to be back alone with my problems i have due to my sister being sick. 

im unpacking these things. that is a completely new concept that i had never thought about or realized before. i knew i was USING relationships to overcompensate.... i remember telling ____ _, i use people/guys im dating as an escape from my reality. when you don’t want to see someone losing their mind, you want to be with anybody that can keep you away from that and make you feel good about yourself. you want to be with and around someone that’s going to make you feel normal. 

that’s another thing i’ve been thinking about lately... my lack of knowledge about various kinds of mental health fucked me too. if i had even an inkling that it was a much grander spectrum than crazy socio psycho i would have been better prepared. i blame tv. i blame schools. nowadays, you see advertisements for all kinds of mental health issues. and good for people now to be exposed, but i feel like i was blindsided by not knowing. i would have spent less time being upset about it because i would have known better.

i feel like i kind of just, one day got tossed into that life, or like literally that’s when my season of the truman show, but featuring me was on. and it was just a terrible fucking time in my life. 

i started taking some drugs to help, i stopped them though, but they did really work. i just wish i didn’t have to remember them or stay on such a routine about it... i didn’t feel anything at all. and that’s how i would love to feel all the time. just neutral. i remember watching a soldier coming home and surprising their mom or something video and wanted to cry even just happy tears and my body wouldn’t do it. i said i would take a pill before tomorrow, when i’m supposed to be meeting up with the guy who i’ve spent the out of the last 16 months? all but 3 collectively (if you added up all the single days out of the last 16 months, it would probably equate to 3 months i did not see this person), and now we don’t talk. i’m crushed but also ^^^ ????? you see what the fuck i’m talking about. i can’t be mad. 

that’s really what i keep saying to myself. literally, everyday i tell myself. “he’s going to talk to, and have sex with, and date, and kiss and talk to other people. he probably is now. he is going to date her for a couple of months, make her his girlfriend, they will get engaged, or have a baby and that is what will happen because we are 30 and that’s what happens when you’re 30. you find someone else and you just move on” no joke. i say that to myself everyday. it really helps too, because when we first stopped talking, i used to get the worst gut wrenching anxiety, to the point i would feel like i was going to throw up. thinking about him with someone else, laying up with someone else, exploring and just doing the little shit with someone else, it stings, but i did get through typing out that off the script part of my mantra about the reality of dating without my stomach turning too much.

my body had been tried to tell me to get out. and i ignored it for so long. i don’t think we would rekindle this relationship. if it was up to him we would never talk about it again, and we would actually probably never talk again. if i see him tomorrow, if he doesn’t flake on me. i know the whole vibe will be different. i know he won’t try to sit next to me or want to talk about it. i’m just going to be coming over as a friend, to smoke and watch black monday.

the real test will be going into his crib and sitting in his presence, it’s been over a month, and my stomach is actually going crazy thinking about that, but again, that’s my ever active imagination. i’ve always had one, even as a kid. thinking up literally the most dramaticized versions of situations that would never ever ever fucking happen, like really like some only in the movies shit and even then it would be a fucking corny ass cringey ass movie. im getting queasy thinking about some shit and how awkward it will be, and he’ll end up texting me to cancel the whole shit before this misery can actually play itself out. lmao.

it hurts to feel replaceable when we were so cool though. and honestly, dating him is a regret i actually have. i regret that, forreal. i would have preferred to just have been friends. because knowing what i know and have been known, that i was i never her, i always knew that wasn’t going to magically change for me, even if i played along and put on the monkey suit. it was always on some “im just tryna see” shit.... it’s like why even mix shit up or get so involved? i knew he didn’t know, he knew he didn’t know, we both knew he didn’t know, and the conversation “youre either gonna accept it, and stay or leave” it’s literally so fucking insulting but when you actually fuck around and accept it and stay, that’s when you’re sick and you fucked up on some real shit. but when you’re thinking to yourself “if i leave, this nigga won’t care” and like you KNOW, leaving would only prove yourself right... you really just feel stupid. 

but that’s really my thing though. at the end of the day, i was really fed up, ready to get the fuck on and be over it. i was mad and upset and talking crazy and real slick, but after a few weeks i would have reached back out to him like i dont want beef, and i legitimately don’t think i would be here now dwelling on shit. it’s like i was already out the door right, like, i had all my shit, my coat, keys, phone, wallet, mask, feelings, everything. i had never been so ready to be out in mY LIFEEEE... and then it’s like you went and did the one thing i put emphasis on meaning something to me and like at an attempt to grasp straws or like not lose the fight, you did that, and then turned around and flipped on me and now treat me like i said fuck your mother, eat shit, i hope you die.... i’m just confused. that’s why im torn like am i really not shit... or do the people i meet and glorify really just be terrible people? i kind of think just off the fact that he did that, i shouldn’t talk to him ever again. to practically beg me to not stop talking to you, it like literally feels like you only did that shit so that YOU could be the one breaking things off. and that’s beyond petty to me. it’s super vindictive, and like we say shit is mean, and people are mean, but like in the context of things, doing something especially specific to someone that to them means you care, and then renege on that, you might as well had just spit in my face forreal. 

i have a feeling stronger now, that we won’t link up tomorrow. 

link. lol. at 3:50 IN THE MORNING he texted me asking me about this stick figure dancing really silly that i sent it to him talking about thats how i dance in his kitchen, and it’s hard to think he wasn’t up after having just fucked someone and probably saw something similar to that and was dying laughing thinking about the one i sent... so when i sent it to him, he asked for a link to it, probably because the screenshot of the video i sent had me laughing in it or something, and he couldn’t show that to the new girl bc “he texted a “friend” (non gender specific) and they had the video and wanted to see if they still had it” 

but a goofy i am that i thought he mayyyy have meant link with me, with all that extra emphasis, and of course, when i replied in extra innocent confusion, i don’t have the link only a screen recording.. he said oh. lol. 

when we decided to stop talking in general it was goofy. i email him saying i miss you, he unblocks my number and texts me somewhere between i miss you too and im pissed off still and so we talk and he’s like oh i spent this last week hating you for no reason and yadda yadda and then that segways into me talking about us being done, and he goes “why are you so finite about everything, i need to time to just sit and think” just to still turn around in the same day and be like yeah naw we don’t talk now. everything is a mixed message, but i’m just gonna chalk it i wouldn’t dare even try to bring the shit up unless he tried to. but that was it. like okay we don’t talk no more. and again we didn’t have screaming matches or block each others number again after that or any other petty fights. so for us to go from seeing each other to every day to it’s been over a month, and texting someone who would text you back within 3 minutes, not even respond to you for hours or even the same day.... the shit is all just weird. it really makes me even second guess being around him because it’s like, i know i still care, but that’s just me hurting myself to care. at this point, he’s accepted that it’s over and done with and his life will go on and he’ll date new people and hang out with new girls and get to know them and like completely throw me away like the fact that it doesn’t even feel like this person is even a friend now is completely beyond me. maybe im just that fucking far removed from dating and breaking up so me expecting someone to still want to talk to me is asinine and insane but what the fuck ever. 

honestly, i’m a better writer or more expressive when i’m depressed. in a manic depressive episode, i thought for a second, if i start documenting what i write when i’m sad, and i get a really good series of short sad stories or these bouts of where i just want to say some shit like this whole post, then when i kill myself someone will find them and ill be like a fucking world renown emo writer like poe, saying beautiful miserable shit that people relate to and relate to it so much more because the pain of what i go through is seared into them, so they get it. 

pain.... i thought earlier about pain and suicide..... and how people who are suicidal and are looking for a way out but would like it to be as painless as possible are people who already deal with too much pain they know they can’t take anymore because they want to leave, but they literally also can’t take anymore because it’s like, give me a fucking break. then you have the suicidal people who do shit like suicide by cop or slit their wrists or set themselves on fire and shit, and i think, people like that feel so much pain, maybe they’re incapable of even registering the out as painful... maybe having to feel that is nothing compared to how they feel all the time...