hedarose

[hedarose]

Oh my god, Jackie stressing Nat OUT!!!! 😩😭

my fic forever is the sweetest con if it were a SMAU

-> in which jackie is diabetic and gay for nat. in that order from nat's pov potentially hinting at future plot points but *raises hands* IDK you didn't hear that from me

bonus with a screenshot from my own dexcom:

[hedarose]

this is gae I like it hehe

[hedarose]

OH MY

[hedarose]

lol and then of course we know Shauna used her new knowledge for evil later on down the line…

This was Nat internally, but she had to stay cool calm and collected while trying to corral Shauna and not have a meltdown about her insider information being used to make wilderness terrorist worse…

Shauna x Natalie

The Parts Of You I Love Can’t Be Erased

Warnings: graphic depiction of skinning/gutting animals, in depth talk on how to use a rifle, a character is in a medically induced coma after an accident that left them near dead

*Beep, beep, beep…* The steady stream of rhythmic beeping always kept Nat on the edge of losing her sanity. Realistically she knew that all the machines attached to Shauna were only helping her- not hurting her, but she had seen the other girl live in the wilderness without any of these things. She wished the nurses would just turn the volume off so she could have one second of silence in this hell hole. It didn’t make sense to see Shauna reduced down to a fraction of the person she used to be and suddenly look like a test subject in some sort of sick trial wrapped in casts and filled with tubes and have something pumping air into her body.

*Beep, beep, beep…* Nat zoned out again as she scraped the last of her pudding cup clean for probably the millionth time. The hospital food truly was ass here, but she was the only one that had to suffer through it and she was slightly resentful for that. Sometimes Nat wished she could be as out of it as Shauna was and have a tube of liquified calories be directly injected. But then she thinks of Ben and the thought is gone in a flash. A scrape of the plastic spoon resonates in her head as she pulls the item out of her mouth, she mushes the tapioca pearls and tastes the vanilla flavor coating her taste buds. A fleeting thought comes through as she swallows, Shauna hasn’t eaten anything this sweet- or she guesses- anything at all in three whole weeks. Nat shakes her head and stands to throw her cup away, maybe she’ll take a walk down the hallway to stretch her legs out a bit… or maybe she’ll just pull her chair up and rest her head on Shauna’s bed while she holds her hand to rest her eyes. Well no one is ever around to judge her so once her pudding cup is safely disposed of she plops herself back down in her arm chair and scoots it across the floor till it’s flush with Shauna’s hospital bed. Taking care to not jostle the arm that is wrapped in a bright green cast- courtesy of Nat- she scoops up a slightly swollen hand and puts it under her cheek and grabs Shauna’s stuffed bear and cuddles it into her chest.

*Beep, beep, beep…* The blanket Nat pulls up over her shoulders is not the scratchy one that the hospital gave her day one of Shauna’s stay. It’s a soft flannel quilt that Natalie had broken into Shauna’s apartment for and stolen when she went to go grab her stuffed bear- Jack. She ensures it’s covering her completely before she twists her head to give Shauna’s bruised and swollen hand a featherlight kiss. Just like usual there is no movement from the other girl. Natalie gives a little smile up at her and lays her head down on the white hospital sheets. Sleep takes her quickly after her eyes close fully. Sometimes the rhythmic beeping can be good, it’s a reminder that Shauna is still alive…

—

*POP*

“Hey! Who the fuck took the gun? Who was that?” Natalie shot out of her hut and demanded an answer, she soon realized that the camp was still in a state of morning silence and the only person standing awake outside of a hut was Van.

Van quickly dropped her arm full of wood and raised her arms up in the air, “I swear to god it wasn’t me. I’m on fire watch so I was up early to get kindling.”

Nat huffed and said, “Van I can see obviously it wasn’t you. I need to know who it was though. Can you help me find who is missing?”

Van nodded her head quickly, “yeah sure man, let me just restock the fire first.”

Nat started to poke her head into all the huts and look at all the girls that somehow slept through the gunshot that went off seemingly right outside of camp. Once Van and Nat stumbled upon the very last hut they saw an empty bed… Nat sighed, “it’s fucking Shauna.”

Natalie made quick work of dismissing Van and then she grabbed a jacket from her hut. Nat began to scour the woods that surrounded the camp. It didn’t take long at all to find her. Shauna was standing in a small clearing looking confused as all hell as she fumbled with the rifle. “Shauna, what are you doing?”

Shauna’s head snapped to Natalie and she furrowed her brows before she looked back down at the rifle. It looked as if a sense of shame had come over her. “I want to know how to do this- I need to know how to do this.”

“What? Why? What reason could you possibly have to be out here doing this?! Especially right now?”

“Why are you asking me so many questions?” Shauna demanded.

“Look- I’m sorry Shauna, I’m not trying to pry. But no one is even awake yet and you’re out here shooting off rounds. It’s a little weird, yeah?” Natalie said softly.

Shauna looked back up to Nat, “I don’t know how to load it and like do all the shit for it.”

Nat’s jaw dropped slightly, she was lost for words momentarily. “Oh. Okay. Do you-? Do you want me to teach you?” Shauna’s jaw tightened, the look in her eyes dark. The help would be useful. She nodded jerkily. Nat approached like she was approaching a feral animal, “okay… but first can I start with some other basics? Just to keep us both safe.” Her hand reached down to gently rest on the rifle over Shauna’s hand ready to take it from her grasp. The fight for power was there for the taking, Shauna clearly wanted to have some sort of upper hand, but she just didn’t. She had already admitted the rifle was empty and she didn’t know how to reload it, but she wanted to be the badass here. Shauna squared her shoulders and then let her hands drop the tight grip they held. The silent battle was over as fast as it started. Natalie released a small breath she didn’t know she had been holding in.

With the rifle firmly in her hands she looked down and saw it was still switched to fire, she rotated it to the side to show Shauna, “this button here, you can push it in and out, that’s the safety. Unless you mean to actively be firing it should always be on safe.” Once Nat switched it to safe she pulled the lever down halfway to verify that the chamber was indeed empty. She looked up at Shauna and gave her a small shrug, “yeah you emptied her earlier, she only had one round left inside I guess.” Good thing, Nat thought.

“Yeah I just kinda shot it at the tree… I missed.” Shauna mumbled.

“Uh yeah… as far as actual shooting goes I didn’t see how you shot earlier, but this has a good bit of kick as I’m sure you felt. So your stance has to be solid and you have to be really stable to absorb that so you don’t get knocked back. And it also helps your aim…” Natalie had added with a slight smirk, then planted her feet to show Shauna how she stood, “I put my left foot directly under my shoulder and I let my right foot fall slightly back a comfortable distance. But I leave my feet facing forward in case I need to move closer to my target- then I’d be ready to move, my dad taught me to stay on the balls of my feet so I can roll off easier… if that makes sense.” Shauna nodded silently as she absorbed the information and crossed her arms so Nat continued, “and since this is a bit heavy and we don’t eat a ton you really need to make sure you tuck the butt into your shoulder pocket hard, it helps to take the weight off of your biceps, it’ll fit right into the spot, I’ll show you in a minute. And then you lean your torso forward just ever so slightly so your body is squared up to whatever you’re aiming at. And lastly your legs- they can stay mostly straight up or you can bend your knees just a bit if it’s more comfortable. Like this.” Natalie lifted the rifle and went through all the motions, dry firing the weapon into a safe direction away from the camp. It was nothing more than a metallic click, but it was to show Shauna that the weapon wasn’t intimidating anymore than you made it out to be.

“You- you said your dad taught you all this?” Shauna asked with an air of caution and a head tilt.

Natalie swallowed and nodded, “yeah before he completely went off the rails and decided we were the worst family in existence. He kinda used to care about us a bit. He would take me hunting with him, but he taught me all this stuff before he died, yeah.” Natalie answered the question truthfully.

“Well at least it counts for something right?” Shauna asked with a plain face.

“Yeah, actually I am glad I know this stuff out here. So I am happy I have it locked in the memory bank.” Nat responded back. “Want me to show you now?”

Shauna uncrossed her arms and nodded while she stepped closer to Nat, “do you worst.”

Nat chuckled, “alright killer take this. Remember your safety button, never point at something you don’t intend to shoot, and never put your finger on the trigger until you are ready to fire. Now find how it’s comfortable to stand for you- yeah that’s a good starting point…” Shauna reached over and pushed Natalie. “Okay! Okay! It’s just good!” Nat laughed out as she walked back over to where Shauna stood with her feet still planted. “I’ll just say on the stance, if I were to push your shoulders back right now, would you fall? You are meant to brace for an impact basically… this stance is not that. So stand how I showed you and I’ll give you a little shove to kinda show you what I mean.” Shauna huffed at the other girl, but begrudgingly did as she was told and tried to copy Natalie’s feet. Once her feet were planted Natalie laid her hands on Shauna’s shoulders and pushed back, Shauna had been properly positioned this time and the impact was absorbed. Natalie smiled and removed her warm hands from her shoulders.

“Okay I see what you mean, my first stance wasn’t bad though,” Shauna grumbled.

“No, it was definitely good…” Natalie placated her with a small smile. “Okay, now for your shoulder pocket- lift the rifle and you’ll see it fits right here. Good, yeah right there. And if your target is moving this should be an extension of yourself, so the rifle moves with your head and your eyes. Not your head first, then the rifle. And I can see you’re doing it now, having the slight lean at the waist and bend in your knees, that’s good you’re a natural. All there is now is to shoot, so we can do what I did earlier. We can have you shoot now with no rounds, and just give you a feel of pulling the trigger and pulling the lever and stuff.”

Shauna nodded with the happiest expression she had probably worn in months on her face, “okay, let’s do it.”

—

*Beep, beep, beep…* Natalie felt a hand shaking her out of the slumber that had taken over. The hand on her shoulder retreated the moment her eyes began to open. “Oh good you’re awake, it’s time for Shauna’s rounds. If you could just scoot your chair back my dear.”

*Beep, beep, beep…* Gruffly Natalie responds, “oh shit, my bad yeah sorry.” She drops Shauna’s sweaty hand from her grasp and stands to push her chair away from the bed. Natalie stays standing to watch as the nurse roll a cart in. Ah, bath day. “Any word on when you guys are gonna stop the whole medical coma thing? Sorry, I’m not like super smart with this stuff.”

*Beep, beep, beep…* The older woman who Natalie really does prefer over some of the other nurses says, “we’ve already stopped the medicine that is inducing it. Her brain must need just a bit more time dear. It’s a good thing, giving her this rest. I know it feels scary, it feels like she’s so far away. But you can always talk to her, she’s listening. I know you don’t like bath time, the cafeteria just started up dinner.” Natalie knows she dumbs down Shauna’s prognosis for her, but she appreciates it all the same. “Thank you Barb, I’ll be back in a little bit. Take of care of her now.” Natalie says as she walks towards the door. The nurse smiles, “I always do dear.”

Natalie nearly jogs to the cafeteria for some overcooked chicken and mushy peas, but she can’t stand to see Shauna’s broken body after her pleasant dream of the girl still angry and unbroken. You’d think that all the rest she was getting would be doing nothing but healing her, but Shauna was in a medically induced coma being tube fed, so she was healing slowly and it felt like every single bone in her body was broken, not to mention the trauma to her brain. So her body was working overtime to keep up. The bruises were in the stage of healing that are ugly yellow and green and put Natalie in pain just to look at them. She’s not ever judging how Shauna looks, she just can’t stand to look at something so broken and think it’s the same person as her Shauna that she knew.

Well upgrades at least, it’s not dry chicken today. It was some form of shepherds pie and it was not dry at all. Natalie will take it, she eats slowly while watching the mindless news on the tv. Natalie was also in for a treat, they had strawberry milk today, she sips on it after she cleans her plate. Shauna is a milk freak, she would love some strawberry milk. But she can’t have it. Natalie decides maybe she will take that stroll now. Her mind wanders and she ends up outside underneath the overhang that leads to the parking garage, the parking garage that houses her car that is covered in dust now. She has left the hospital exactly two times, once to break into Shauna’s apartment for a set of clothes, a blanket and Jack. And once to attempt to get Shauna’s mother to come to the hospital. That was it. She’s been here since.

“Hey, Natalie is it?” An older gentleman asks.

Natalie clears her throat before she untucks her hands from her pockets to reach for a handshake, “yeah, I’m Nat. Do I know you, sir?”

“No no, I was just headed in to visit my wife. But I think I recognize you from the floor. You helped my daughter with the vending machine on Tuesday. Maxine, the short little one with no hair.” He motions to his head after he lets go of Nat’s hand.

The recognition sparks in Nat’s brain, Maxine is the little girl with cancer. And Maxine’s mother is the woman next door to Shauna who had a massive stroke… “Ahhhh Maxine, she’s a lovely little girl. She is very serious about her peanut m&ms. They got stuck, but I had a little trick up my sleeve to help her out.”

“She relayed the story, probably with a little flair added of course. Oh sorry, I’m Tony by the way. My wife is Olivia. Do you smoke? I was gonna have one before I went in, calm my nerves a bit.” Nat watches as he pulls out a pack and doesn’t think of a good enough reason to tell him no, it’s not like Shauna is here to yell at her.

“If you’re offering, I would love one.” He extends the pack and her hands shake as she pulls out a cigarette.

“If you don’t mind me asking- who are you here with? You’re in there every time I show up. That’s dedication.” The lighter is passed between the two.

“Shauna Shipman. She’s my…” Nat takes a drag off of her cigarette and pauses.

Tony fills the silence, “if she’s important to you that’s okay.”

Nat nods, “she is. She really is. She’s all that I have. I’m all that she has. So that’s that.”

“Understood, Nat and Shauna. It’s very nice to meet you both. My wife is in for a stroke, but if you’re up to meeting her she’s awake.” Tony says with a drag on his cigarette.

“Maybe tomorrow... Shauna was in a car wreck, it killed four of my friends. She just happened to be the lucky one.” Natalie says with a far off look. Maybe Shauna wasn’t so lucky.

They fall into silence after that and finish their cigarettes without any fanfare. Tony pipes up as they walk towards the entrance, “you seem like an okay kid, thanks for chatting. Let me know if you need anymore smokes. You know where my family is.”

“I- I actually don’t smoke anymore, Shauna made me quit. But if I cave, I’ll let ya know.” Nat says with a ghost of a smile.

They take the elevator together, then the hallway, only separating once they reach their destination. They push into their rooms with a nod to each other.

*Beep, beep, beep…* Shauna lays as still as ever, but now she’s cleaner. Thanks, Barb. Natalie approaches the foot of the bed and grabs the exposed part of Shauna’s foot that isn’t covered by the cast. “Looking good bud, Barb got ya all cleaned up for me. Isn’t she sweet?” Nat looks down at the foot in her hand, it’s slightly chilly and it’s definitely a bit swollen. It’s not that she would say Shauna’s feet are cute, but she loves everything about Shauna. So maybe she does think her feet are cute. So what? Pft. The urge overtakes her when she is looking and she bends down to brush a kiss over the top of Shauna’s foot. “I hate that your skin is all covered, I want it back.” Nat takes Shauna’s other foot and lays a soft kiss on the exposed skin. She doesn’t know what she expected, but Shauna always had ticklish feet, maybe a twitch or something. Nothing of the sort comes. It’s okay, it will come.

*Beep, beep, beep…* She walks over to the bathroom to wash the smoke from her hands and brush it from her mouth. She knows Shauna isn’t conscious, but even so she won’t give her a forehead kiss smelling like a cigarette. As Nat exits the bathroom she is startled into halting short because of a person sitting by the bed, “Debra?”

*Beep, beep, beep…* Shauna’s mother turns her head to lock eyes with Nat. “Hello, Nat. It’s good to see you again.” The woman who looked as if she had aged ten years since Natalie had last seen her greets warmly.

*Beep, beep, beep…* “Uh it’s good to see you too? I’m sorry, I’m a little confused. I begged you to come like three weeks ago, but you said you and Shauna didn’t talk anymore. Why are you here now?” Natalie asks as she sets her toothbrush down on her bag and walks over to stand in front of her usual chair.

*Beep, beep, beep…* Debra smiles sadly, “her and I don’t talk anymore. I figured I was respecting a wish of hers by not coming here. I didn’t know how bad it was, one of the nurses I know called me and explained what was going on-”

*Beep, beep, beep…* “No! No, I’m sorry that is- that’s bullshit, I was sobbing to you on the ground in the rain outside your house about how Shauna was dying in the hospital- I had just lost everyone else in my life and Shauna was in the same fucking car as them. What do you mean you didn’t know how bad it was? Respecting her wishes? What wish could she even be making right now? Look at the state of her! I don’t even know why you two don’t talk, she never told me, she doesn’t let me in all the way because she is so fucked mentally, but I don’t care. She is so closed off to certain parts of her life. I don’t have a key to her apartment, I had to break in to steal the shit that’s in here right now. I care so much about your daughter, I am here every second of every day, I barely leave her side, and I try to understand what the medical team tells me. You don’t get to walk in here now that someone else called you and you need to save face. So maybe… respect my wishes and get the fuck out of here.”

*Beep, beep, beep…* Debra, startled by Nat’s anger stands. “Honey, Shauna and I have stuff that we just couldn’t get past. It’s not for me to tell you.”

*Beep, beep, beep…* “You’re her fucking mother. Whatever it is, I don’t care. Get out.” Deb hangs her head and turns for the exit, the woman hightails it out of the room without another word. Nat sighs and finally falls back into her chair, she turns to look at Shauna. “When you wake up I have so many questions dude. Goddamn that shit wore me out.” Nat pulled her chair back up to Shauna’s bedside and leaned over to give her a forehead kiss being careful to avoid the oxygen tube in the girls mouth. Once again she snuggled back up and grabbed Shauna’s hand, flannel blanket and Jack securing them safely.

—

“Nat?” Shauna asked as she leaned her head into the girls hut.

“What’s up?” Natalie responded coolly.

“I had a question- or a proposition. It’s stupid actually.” Shauna had cut herself short and started to leave.

Natalie shot up and grabbed Shauna’s arm, “hey, just ask me I won’t tell anyone.”

Shauna nodded and swallowed before she said, “since you taught me how to shoot and we’ve been practicing… I was wondering if you wanted to learn how to skin the animals with me. Gen just got back with a few from the traps.” Shauna looked awfully uncomfortable and rubbed her eyebrow as she waited for an answer.

“Oh- well it can’t hurt to have somebody else versed on the skill could it? Sure, I’ll come over there in a minute, let me finish up what I was doing.” Natalie smiled.

“Okay, cool cool cool. I’ll be over there then!” Shauna stalked off quickly. It was cute.

Natalie tried to not keep her waiting and showed up within five minutes. Shauna had three bunnies laid out and a knife with a few rags and some water nearby. “Nice set up you got in here.”

“Oh thanks, it’s not a good as my shed. Well actually some of things I like better, some of the things I miss. Can go either way. Okay, are you squeamish?” Shauna asked with a blank face.

“I guess it depends, I’ve never done this so honestly I don’t know what to make of it.” Nat answered honestly with a shrug.

“Okay if it’s too much you can tell me, I’ll just get right into it then. With these guys I grab one, remove the head like this, then you find the joints on their legs. Remove all four, sometimes back legs are trickier cause they’re thicker, so you have to put a little more effort into it, but they’ll pop like this and now feet are off. So head and feet I put them over here and burn those later we don’t do anything with them… rabbits are easier because you can literally peel the fur off, but if that is too hard for when it’s cold you can gently slice the fur down the center of the stomach. I recommend pulling the fur off though so it’s intact. So you’ll grab the legs and peel it back firmly. It comes off really nice actually this is how I’m able to save these for Lottie and Akilah to reuse for their projects.”

Nat interrupted quickly, “you didn’t know any of this before we got stranded right?”

Shauna looked confused, “no I didn’t. Just trial and error, why?”

“You’re really good at it. You just skinned a rabbit in like 45 seconds. Well maybe that was an exaggeration, but it felt like it.” Natalie said slightly impressed, slightly grossed out. But no judgement on Shauna’s part.

“Oh yeah like I said, trial and error. Most animals are different. So they all need to be treated as such. And… we are um… yeah we’re I don’t know. That’s a whole different playing field.” Shauna mumbled.

“I see…” Nat mumbled.

“Anyways, now that we have a naked rabbit- well after we remove his tail cause it’s all fluffy and shit throw that with the head and feet- now that we have a naked rabbit we can cut open his stomach- it doesn’t take that much pressure- and we can remove his organs and guts. They come out pretty much on their own. Pull out the heart and the liver and stuff, we can eat that, but the guts… that’s trash. Now I’ll move the nasty stuff off the table, and take some of this water and rinse the carcass so it’s somewhat cleaned and then it’s good for me to cut it up for Mari to cook. The bones can be boiled down for soup and stuff as well. You wanna try skinning the next one?” Shauna asked Natalie with an excited look on her face.

Natalie shrugged, “fuck it, let’s give it a go. Why not. Don’t laugh.”

Shauna gave a small smirk, “no one was around to laugh at me, I won’t laugh at you.”

Nat understood the words for what they were, but to keep things light replied, “appreciate it Shauna.” The first cuts through the small animal were slightly sickening to Nat, but she pushed through and slowly she had the head and the feet removed. Then the skin off. Then the tail off. The cut through the stomach was easier than she had anticipated, but Shauna didn’t lie. The guts felt like the fell out into her hands, and they were wet- the blood dried sticky and flaky. Nat was not a fan of that necessarily. She ignored her personal feelings on the matter, Shauna didn’t have a choice in this. She rinsed the carcass and Shauna showed her how to slice the animal into manageable dinner sized pieces. The process was rewarding once it was complete, but still- it was not something she wanted to do everyday.

“Here, you can take the tray to Mari. You did really good Nat.” The praise from Shauna heated Nat’s cheeks and she looked down at the cuts of meat that she had helped make.

“Thanks Shauna, I’ll see you out there.” Natalie replied.

—

*Beep, beep, beep…* A squeeze on Nat’s hand startled her awake. Her eyes shot to the appendage. She looked up and saw Shauna’s hand was gripping hers the best it could, then she looked up and saw two dark brown eyes locked on hers, “Shauna?! Oh my god! Stay still, don’t panic, I’ll get a nurse or a doctor or somebody!” She stood and reached for the call button, then ran into the hallway trying to find a night shift worker that was not actively doing rounds. “Hello?! Somebody?! Um my- my- my- I think my- my Shauna just woke up! Oh… I think I’m gonna pass out.” As soon as Natalie saw a doctor rounding the corner towards her she saw black. Her body hit the floor shortly thereafter.

*Beep, beep, beep…* Natalie came to slowly and was met with the gentle soothing sounds of Shauna’s monitors… when had she suddenly decided they were soothing? Oh! Shauna had woken up, Nat sits up and looks over to see Shauna watching her. “Shauna, oh fuck.” The battered girl gives Nat a small blink of her eyes. Just then a nurse walks in, she gives Nat a big smile. “Oh boy, looks like somebody else is awake too! Glad to see you’ve joined us again.” Nat blushes at the attention, “oh yeah I just got really overwhelmed earlier, that was my bad.” The nurse chuckles while she hovers around Shauna checking and moving things. “Okay, fair warning people are gonna be in and out of here all night. But feel free to talk to her and pull your chair up when we’re gone.” Nat nods as the nurse exits the room.

*Beep, beep, beep…* Nat scoots her chair up to Shauna’s bed and leans forward to give her a kiss on the nose. “I missed seeing these eyes. You have no idea how crazy I’ve felt in here waiting for you my love.” Nat grabs Shauna’s hand and swallows before saying, “the girls are all gone… it’s truly just us now. Your mom stopped by today- I kicked her out. I smoked a cig with your next door neighbors husband. I’m gonna need a key to your apartment. I broke in to steal Jack for you.” She lifts him up as she says it. Shauna lifts her lips as much as she can at the words. Tears well in her eyes.

*Beep, beep, beep…* Nat’s face drops in confusion, Shauna’s lips look like they’re trying to move. She leans forward to see better, she can hear the faintest sound coming from Shauna. “Kiss me.” Natalie leans back and brushes a hand over Shauna’s hair while looking down at her adoringly. “I’ll kiss you only because I love you, you look fucking terrifying. Come here killer.” Natalie leans down and connects their lips gently while rubbing her thumb over Shauna’s cheek.

——————————————————

Notes: sorry Debra stans, she was a bitch in this… I am not a Melissa survivor fan, so this is just RIP Lottie, Van, Tai and Misty. You furthered my plot 🫡 This was brought to you by a beeping noise that has been going on the past few days at my work and I can’t find where it is coming from. Let me know if y’all like it 🙂‍↕️

[hedarose]

domestic roommates headcanons! | 🚬🎀

summary : silly headcanons about dating and living with jackienat !

pairings : jackie taylor x fem!reader x natalie scatorccio

warnings : none! just fluff :]

notes: this is intended to take place in a no-crash au. i hope you enjoy!

— a good portion of your outfits are mismatched between your own clothes, things from jackie’s wardrobe, and something natalie forgot on the couch last week.

— nat is no better than you; she steals any and everything she finds fits her aesthetic, or is comfortable, or even just smells like you or jackie

— jackie pretends the outfit stealing is a heinous crime, but her heart swells every time she gets to see one (or, more likely, both) of you in her clothes. not as big of a fan of clothes-stealing herself, as she has a strict aesthetic to keep up appearances with!!

— jackie loves loves loves to do both you & nat’s makeup!! she’ll straddle your waist and insist it helps her be more accurate

— nat always gets chastised by jackie for smoking inside the apartment !! she’s absolutely awful at hiding it too—she usually flirts her way out of actually getting in trouble!

— neither of them can cook. or bake. or be trusted alone in the kitchen. they’ll say they can, but do not trust their innocent looking eyes are pouty lips; that’s how you get the smoke alarms set off and the fire department called to your building

— both enjoy being held a significant amount while cuddling! they’ll hold you too if you ask, but their preference is abundantly clear to you!

— jackie & nat often bicker over which film to pick for movie date night! nat always wants horror or action, while jackie wants silly rom-coms!

— nat doesn’t really take offense to being outnumbered so long as she can tease about the film choice, but jackie gets a little pouty if she doesn’t get her way! she’ll cheer up with some cuddles, though :]

— unless it’s a horror movie. you and nat are almost always going to sleep on the couch if you choose horror

— decorating the apartment was a bit of a nightmare. jackie wanted everything to be themed, and nat just wanted something cozy. you often had to play mediator while choosing your new home’s aesthetic

— nat and you like to go up to the roof to stargaze! jackie will join sometimes, but she usually leaves before it gets too chilly!

— if you’re tall, they rely on you heavily to reach things on the tall shelves! it’s kind of cute and you totally like it a normal amount; you definitely don’t put things they’ll need up high so they need to ask for help!

[hedarose]

Hello my poor starving tumblr birds,,, apologies for abandoning my flock,,, I’ve been busy with work and sick cat stuff but here are some twt doodle requests from the past week to tide you over until mama bird can return to the nest and provide for you once more

PMF Chapter 31 Doodle:

Jackie trying to commune with the wilderness through a random ass bird

Some JackieShauna doodles which were highly requests ft. Jackie “Oh boy Shauna is my favorite person in the whole wide world” Taylor and Shauna “Jackie could never see me because she’s too busy thinking about herself what if I just set the world on fire” Shipman. I think they are both very different types of neurodivergent

And a silly sticky note doodle of Jackie straight up grooving while Travis beatboxes

[hedarose]

Oh my god I love her 😭

i'm about to make jackie allergic to anything and everything and it's both because i'm projecting and because she's a loser who would in fact be allergic to everything. don't underestimate my duality

[hedarose]

i know what this situation needs…explicit fanfiction

[hedarose]

I need more mutuals that are either not American, or work night shift 😭 no one is ever awake when I’m awake. The struggles lololol.

[hedarose]

Ah we have been fed GOOD 😌

Glitter & Crimson: a jackienat smau⊹₊⟡⋆

Part Fifteen: all these bitches are ovulating

jackie taylor is the captain of wiskayok high’s soccer team, the yellowjackets. natalie scatorccio plays guitar in the school’s local band, remembering sunday. at one of lottie matthews’ iconic parties, remembering sunday plays a few songs.

or

jackie taylor has a mission. she cannot stop thinking about the girl with the shaggy mullet, smudged eyeliner, and beat up doc martens. she has to know her.

or

jackie taylor schemes to get natalie scatorccio on the soccer team with the help of her teammates.

─ timestamps don’t matter. established taivan.─

୨⎯ prev ⎯୧ ୨⎯ next ⎯୧

A/N: they’re finally girlfriends!!!! :,) i tried to keep this one pretty tame so sorry for the bit of suggestiveness! also, i think i’ve decided that g&c will come to a close at part 20 :( i’ve had thoughts of turning it into an actual fic, so let me know how you guys would feel about that! or if you want me to just start writing one shots here and there for jackienat/x reader! as always thank you for reading <3

[hedarose]

If you aren’t a faggot you aren’t allowed, the rules aren’t strict, Lottie was just keeping the place in order 🥱

Stop using anti-Lottie language

Instead of saying “she axed a man unprompted” say “he gave the wilderness bad vibes”

[hedarose]

Shauna x Natalie

The Parts Of You I Love Can’t Be Erased

Warnings: graphic depiction of skinning/gutting animals, in depth talk on how to use a rifle, a character is in a medically induced coma after an accident that left them near dead

*Beep, beep, beep…* The steady stream of rhythmic beeping always kept Nat on the edge of losing her sanity. Realistically she knew that all the machines attached to Shauna were only helping her- not hurting her, but she had seen the other girl live in the wilderness without any of these things. She wished the nurses would just turn the volume off so she could have one second of silence in this hell hole. It didn’t make sense to see Shauna reduced down to a fraction of the person she used to be and suddenly look like a test subject in some sort of sick trial wrapped in casts and filled with tubes and have something pumping air into her body.

*Beep, beep, beep…* Nat zoned out again as she scraped the last of her pudding cup clean for probably the millionth time. The hospital food truly was ass here, but she was the only one that had to suffer through it and she was slightly resentful for that. Sometimes Nat wished she could be as out of it as Shauna was and have a tube of liquified calories be directly injected. But then she thinks of Ben and the thought is gone in a flash. A scrape of the plastic spoon resonates in her head as she pulls the item out of her mouth, she mushes the tapioca pearls and tastes the vanilla flavor coating her taste buds. A fleeting thought comes through as she swallows, Shauna hasn’t eaten anything this sweet- or she guesses- anything at all in three whole weeks. Nat shakes her head and stands to throw her cup away, maybe she’ll take a walk down the hallway to stretch her legs out a bit… or maybe she’ll just pull her chair up and rest her head on Shauna’s bed while she holds her hand to rest her eyes. Well no one is ever around to judge her so once her pudding cup is safely disposed of she plops herself back down in her arm chair and scoots it across the floor till it’s flush with Shauna’s hospital bed. Taking care to not jostle the arm that is wrapped in a bright green cast- courtesy of Nat- she scoops up a slightly swollen hand and puts it under her cheek and grabs Shauna’s stuffed bear and cuddles it into her chest.

*Beep, beep, beep…* The blanket Nat pulls up over her shoulders is not the scratchy one that the hospital gave her day one of Shauna’s stay. It’s a soft flannel quilt that Natalie had broken into Shauna’s apartment for and stolen when she went to go grab her stuffed bear- Jack. She ensures it’s covering her completely before she twists her head to give Shauna’s bruised and swollen hand a featherlight kiss. Just like usual there is no movement from the other girl. Natalie gives a little smile up at her and lays her head down on the white hospital sheets. Sleep takes her quickly after her eyes close fully. Sometimes the rhythmic beeping can be good, it’s a reminder that Shauna is still alive…

—

*POP*

“Hey! Who the fuck took the gun? Who was that?” Natalie shot out of her hut and demanded an answer, she soon realized that the camp was still in a state of morning silence and the only person standing awake outside of a hut was Van.

Van quickly dropped her arm full of wood and raised her arms up in the air, “I swear to god it wasn’t me. I’m on fire watch so I was up early to get kindling.”

Nat huffed and said, “Van I can see obviously it wasn’t you. I need to know who it was though. Can you help me find who is missing?”

Van nodded her head quickly, “yeah sure man, let me just restock the fire first.”

Nat started to poke her head into all the huts and look at all the girls that somehow slept through the gunshot that went off seemingly right outside of camp. Once Van and Nat stumbled upon the very last hut they saw an empty bed… Nat sighed, “it’s fucking Shauna.”

Natalie made quick work of dismissing Van and then she grabbed a jacket from her hut. Nat began to scour the woods that surrounded the camp. It didn’t take long at all to find her. Shauna was standing in a small clearing looking confused as all hell as she fumbled with the rifle. “Shauna, what are you doing?”

Shauna’s head snapped to Natalie and she furrowed her brows before she looked back down at the rifle. It looked as if a sense of shame had come over her. “I want to know how to do this- I need to know how to do this.”

“What? Why? What reason could you possibly have to be out here doing this?! Especially right now?”

“Why are you asking me so many questions?” Shauna demanded.

“Look- I’m sorry Shauna, I’m not trying to pry. But no one is even awake yet and you’re out here shooting off rounds. It’s a little weird, yeah?” Natalie said softly.

Shauna looked back up to Nat, “I don’t know how to load it and like do all the shit for it.”

Nat’s jaw dropped slightly, she was lost for words momentarily. “Oh. Okay. Do you-? Do you want me to teach you?” Shauna’s jaw tightened, the look in her eyes dark. The help would be useful. She nodded jerkily. Nat approached like she was approaching a feral animal, “okay… but first can I start with some other basics? Just to keep us both safe.” Her hand reached down to gently rest on the rifle over Shauna’s hand ready to take it from her grasp. The fight for power was there for the taking, Shauna clearly wanted to have some sort of upper hand, but she just didn’t. She had already admitted the rifle was empty and she didn’t know how to reload it, but she wanted to be the badass here. Shauna squared her shoulders and then let her hands drop the tight grip they held. The silent battle was over as fast as it started. Natalie released a small breath she didn’t know she had been holding in.

With the rifle firmly in her hands she looked down and saw it was still switched to fire, she rotated it to the side to show Shauna, “this button here, you can push it in and out, that’s the safety. Unless you mean to actively be firing it should always be on safe.” Once Nat switched it to safe she pulled the lever down halfway to verify that the chamber was indeed empty. She looked up at Shauna and gave her a small shrug, “yeah you emptied her earlier, she only had one round left inside I guess.” Good thing, Nat thought.

“Yeah I just kinda shot it at the tree… I missed.” Shauna mumbled.

“Uh yeah… as far as actual shooting goes I didn’t see how you shot earlier, but this has a good bit of kick as I’m sure you felt. So your stance has to be solid and you have to be really stable to absorb that so you don’t get knocked back. And it also helps your aim…” Natalie had added with a slight smirk, then planted her feet to show Shauna how she stood, “I put my left foot directly under my shoulder and I let my right foot fall slightly back a comfortable distance. But I leave my feet facing forward in case I need to move closer to my target- then I’d be ready to move, my dad taught me to stay on the balls of my feet so I can roll off easier… if that makes sense.” Shauna nodded silently as she absorbed the information and crossed her arms so Nat continued, “and since this is a bit heavy and we don’t eat a ton you really need to make sure you tuck the butt into your shoulder pocket hard, it helps to take the weight off of your biceps, it’ll fit right into the spot, I’ll show you in a minute. And then you lean your torso forward just ever so slightly so your body is squared up to whatever you’re aiming at. And lastly your legs- they can stay mostly straight up or you can bend your knees just a bit if it’s more comfortable. Like this.” Natalie lifted the rifle and went through all the motions, dry firing the weapon into a safe direction away from the camp. It was nothing more than a metallic click, but it was to show Shauna that the weapon wasn’t intimidating anymore than you made it out to be.

“You- you said your dad taught you all this?” Shauna asked with an air of caution and a head tilt.

Natalie swallowed and nodded, “yeah before he completely went off the rails and decided we were the worst family in existence. He kinda used to care about us a bit. He would take me hunting with him, but he taught me all this stuff before he died, yeah.” Natalie answered the question truthfully.

“Well at least it counts for something right?” Shauna asked with a plain face.

“Yeah, actually I am glad I know this stuff out here. So I am happy I have it locked in the memory bank.” Nat responded back. “Want me to show you now?”

Shauna uncrossed her arms and nodded while she stepped closer to Nat, “do you worst.”

Nat chuckled, “alright killer take this. Remember your safety button, never point at something you don’t intend to shoot, and never put your finger on the trigger until you are ready to fire. Now find how it’s comfortable to stand for you- yeah that’s a good starting point…” Shauna reached over and pushed Natalie. “Okay! Okay! It’s just good!” Nat laughed out as she walked back over to where Shauna stood with her feet still planted. “I’ll just say on the stance, if I were to push your shoulders back right now, would you fall? You are meant to brace for an impact basically… this stance is not that. So stand how I showed you and I’ll give you a little shove to kinda show you what I mean.” Shauna huffed at the other girl, but begrudgingly did as she was told and tried to copy Natalie’s feet. Once her feet were planted Natalie laid her hands on Shauna’s shoulders and pushed back, Shauna had been properly positioned this time and the impact was absorbed. Natalie smiled and removed her warm hands from her shoulders.

“Okay I see what you mean, my first stance wasn’t bad though,” Shauna grumbled.

“No, it was definitely good…” Natalie placated her with a small smile. “Okay, now for your shoulder pocket- lift the rifle and you’ll see it fits right here. Good, yeah right there. And if your target is moving this should be an extension of yourself, so the rifle moves with your head and your eyes. Not your head first, then the rifle. And I can see you’re doing it now, having the slight lean at the waist and bend in your knees, that’s good you’re a natural. All there is now is to shoot, so we can do what I did earlier. We can have you shoot now with no rounds, and just give you a feel of pulling the trigger and pulling the lever and stuff.”

Shauna nodded with the happiest expression she had probably worn in months on her face, “okay, let’s do it.”

—

*Beep, beep, beep…* Natalie felt a hand shaking her out of the slumber that had taken over. The hand on her shoulder retreated the moment her eyes began to open. “Oh good you’re awake, it’s time for Shauna’s rounds. If you could just scoot your chair back my dear.”

*Beep, beep, beep…* Gruffly Natalie responds, “oh shit, my bad yeah sorry.” She drops Shauna’s sweaty hand from her grasp and stands to push her chair away from the bed. Natalie stays standing to watch as the nurse roll a cart in. Ah, bath day. “Any word on when you guys are gonna stop the whole medical coma thing? Sorry, I’m not like super smart with this stuff.”

*Beep, beep, beep…* The older woman who Natalie really does prefer over some of the other nurses says, “we’ve already stopped the medicine that is inducing it. Her brain must need just a bit more time dear. It’s a good thing, giving her this rest. I know it feels scary, it feels like she’s so far away. But you can always talk to her, she’s listening. I know you don’t like bath time, the cafeteria just started up dinner.” Natalie knows she dumbs down Shauna’s prognosis for her, but she appreciates it all the same. “Thank you Barb, I’ll be back in a little bit. Take of care of her now.” Natalie says as she walks towards the door. The nurse smiles, “I always do dear.”

Natalie nearly jogs to the cafeteria for some overcooked chicken and mushy peas, but she can’t stand to see Shauna’s broken body after her pleasant dream of the girl still angry and unbroken. You’d think that all the rest she was getting would be doing nothing but healing her, but Shauna was in a medically induced coma being tube fed, so she was healing slowly and it felt like every single bone in her body was broken, not to mention the trauma to her brain. So her body was working overtime to keep up. The bruises were in the stage of healing that are ugly yellow and green and put Natalie in pain just to look at them. She’s not ever judging how Shauna looks, she just can’t stand to look at something so broken and think it’s the same person as her Shauna that she knew.

Well upgrades at least, it’s not dry chicken today. It was some form of shepherds pie and it was not dry at all. Natalie will take it, she eats slowly while watching the mindless news on the tv. Natalie was also in for a treat, they had strawberry milk today, she sips on it after she cleans her plate. Shauna is a milk freak, she would love some strawberry milk. But she can’t have it. Natalie decides maybe she will take that stroll now. Her mind wanders and she ends up outside underneath the overhang that leads to the parking garage, the parking garage that houses her car that is covered in dust now. She has left the hospital exactly two times, once to break into Shauna’s apartment for a set of clothes, a blanket and Jack. And once to attempt to get Shauna’s mother to come to the hospital. That was it. She’s been here since.

“Hey, Natalie is it?” An older gentleman asks.

Natalie clears her throat before she untucks her hands from her pockets to reach for a handshake, “yeah, I’m Nat. Do I know you, sir?”

“No no, I was just headed in to visit my wife. But I think I recognize you from the floor. You helped my daughter with the vending machine on Tuesday. Maxine, the short little one with no hair.” He motions to his head after he lets go of Nat’s hand.

The recognition sparks in Nat’s brain, Maxine is the little girl with cancer. And Maxine’s mother is the woman next door to Shauna who had a massive stroke… “Ahhhh Maxine, she’s a lovely little girl. She is very serious about her peanut m&ms. They got stuck, but I had a little trick up my sleeve to help her out.”

“She relayed the story, probably with a little flair added of course. Oh sorry, I’m Tony by the way. My wife is Olivia. Do you smoke? I was gonna have one before I went in, calm my nerves a bit.” Nat watches as he pulls out a pack and doesn’t think of a good enough reason to tell him no, it’s not like Shauna is here to yell at her.

“If you’re offering, I would love one.” He extends the pack and her hands shake as she pulls out a cigarette.

“If you don’t mind me asking- who are you here with? You’re in there every time I show up. That’s dedication.” The lighter is passed between the two.

“Shauna Shipman. She’s my…” Nat takes a drag off of her cigarette and pauses.

Tony fills the silence, “if she’s important to you that’s okay.”

Nat nods, “she is. She really is. She’s all that I have. I’m all that she has. So that’s that.”

“Understood, Nat and Shauna. It’s very nice to meet you both. My wife is in for a stroke, but if you’re up to meeting her she’s awake.” Tony says with a drag on his cigarette.

“Maybe tomorrow... Shauna was in a car wreck, it killed four of my friends. She just happened to be the lucky one.” Natalie says with a far off look. Maybe Shauna wasn’t so lucky.

They fall into silence after that and finish their cigarettes without any fanfare. Tony pipes up as they walk towards the entrance, “you seem like an okay kid, thanks for chatting. Let me know if you need anymore smokes. You know where my family is.”

“I- I actually don’t smoke anymore, Shauna made me quit. But if I cave, I’ll let ya know.” Nat says with a ghost of a smile.

They take the elevator together, then the hallway, only separating once they reach their destination. They push into their rooms with a nod to each other.

*Beep, beep, beep…* Shauna lays as still as ever, but now she’s cleaner. Thanks, Barb. Natalie approaches the foot of the bed and grabs the exposed part of Shauna’s foot that isn’t covered by the cast. “Looking good bud, Barb got ya all cleaned up for me. Isn’t she sweet?” Nat looks down at the foot in her hand, it’s slightly chilly and it’s definitely a bit swollen. It’s not that she would say Shauna’s feet are cute, but she loves everything about Shauna. So maybe she does think her feet are cute. So what? Pft. The urge overtakes her when she is looking and she bends down to brush a kiss over the top of Shauna’s foot. “I hate that your skin is all covered, I want it back.” Nat takes Shauna’s other foot and lays a soft kiss on the exposed skin. She doesn’t know what she expected, but Shauna always had ticklish feet, maybe a twitch or something. Nothing of the sort comes. It’s okay, it will come.

*Beep, beep, beep…* She walks over to the bathroom to wash the smoke from her hands and brush it from her mouth. She knows Shauna isn’t conscious, but even so she won’t give her a forehead kiss smelling like a cigarette. As Nat exits the bathroom she is startled into halting short because of a person sitting by the bed, “Debra?”

*Beep, beep, beep…* Shauna’s mother turns her head to lock eyes with Nat. “Hello, Nat. It’s good to see you again.” The woman who looked as if she had aged ten years since Natalie had last seen her greets warmly.

*Beep, beep, beep…* “Uh it’s good to see you too? I’m sorry, I’m a little confused. I begged you to come like three weeks ago, but you said you and Shauna didn’t talk anymore. Why are you here now?” Natalie asks as she sets her toothbrush down on her bag and walks over to stand in front of her usual chair.

*Beep, beep, beep…* Debra smiles sadly, “her and I don’t talk anymore. I figured I was respecting a wish of hers by not coming here. I didn’t know how bad it was, one of the nurses I know called me and explained what was going on-”

*Beep, beep, beep…* “No! No, I’m sorry that is- that’s bullshit, I was sobbing to you on the ground in the rain outside your house about how Shauna was dying in the hospital- I had just lost everyone else in my life and Shauna was in the same fucking car as them. What do you mean you didn’t know how bad it was? Respecting her wishes? What wish could she even be making right now? Look at the state of her! I don’t even know why you two don’t talk, she never told me, she doesn’t let me in all the way because she is so fucked mentally, but I don’t care. She is so closed off to certain parts of her life. I don’t have a key to her apartment, I had to break in to steal the shit that’s in here right now. I care so much about your daughter, I am here every second of every day, I barely leave her side, and I try to understand what the medical team tells me. You don’t get to walk in here now that someone else called you and you need to save face. So maybe… respect my wishes and get the fuck out of here.”

*Beep, beep, beep…* Debra, startled by Nat’s anger stands. “Honey, Shauna and I have stuff that we just couldn’t get past. It’s not for me to tell you.”

*Beep, beep, beep…* “You’re her fucking mother. Whatever it is, I don’t care. Get out.” Deb hangs her head and turns for the exit, the woman hightails it out of the room without another word. Nat sighs and finally falls back into her chair, she turns to look at Shauna. “When you wake up I have so many questions dude. Goddamn that shit wore me out.” Nat pulled her chair back up to Shauna’s bedside and leaned over to give her a forehead kiss being careful to avoid the oxygen tube in the girls mouth. Once again she snuggled back up and grabbed Shauna’s hand, flannel blanket and Jack securing them safely.

—

“Nat?” Shauna asked as she leaned her head into the girls hut.

“What’s up?” Natalie responded coolly.

“I had a question- or a proposition. It’s stupid actually.” Shauna had cut herself short and started to leave.

Natalie shot up and grabbed Shauna’s arm, “hey, just ask me I won’t tell anyone.”

Shauna nodded and swallowed before she said, “since you taught me how to shoot and we’ve been practicing… I was wondering if you wanted to learn how to skin the animals with me. Gen just got back with a few from the traps.” Shauna looked awfully uncomfortable and rubbed her eyebrow as she waited for an answer.

“Oh- well it can’t hurt to have somebody else versed on the skill could it? Sure, I’ll come over there in a minute, let me finish up what I was doing.” Natalie smiled.

“Okay, cool cool cool. I’ll be over there then!” Shauna stalked off quickly. It was cute.

Natalie tried to not keep her waiting and showed up within five minutes. Shauna had three bunnies laid out and a knife with a few rags and some water nearby. “Nice set up you got in here.”

“Oh thanks, it’s not a good as my shed. Well actually some of things I like better, some of the things I miss. Can go either way. Okay, are you squeamish?” Shauna asked with a blank face.

“I guess it depends, I’ve never done this so honestly I don’t know what to make of it.” Nat answered honestly with a shrug.

“Okay if it’s too much you can tell me, I’ll just get right into it then. With these guys I grab one, remove the head like this, then you find the joints on their legs. Remove all four, sometimes back legs are trickier cause they’re thicker, so you have to put a little more effort into it, but they’ll pop like this and now feet are off. So head and feet I put them over here and burn those later we don’t do anything with them… rabbits are easier because you can literally peel the fur off, but if that is too hard for when it’s cold you can gently slice the fur down the center of the stomach. I recommend pulling the fur off though so it’s intact. So you’ll grab the legs and peel it back firmly. It comes off really nice actually this is how I’m able to save these for Lottie and Akilah to reuse for their projects.”

Nat interrupted quickly, “you didn’t know any of this before we got stranded right?”

Shauna looked confused, “no I didn’t. Just trial and error, why?”

“You’re really good at it. You just skinned a rabbit in like 45 seconds. Well maybe that was an exaggeration, but it felt like it.” Natalie said slightly impressed, slightly grossed out. But no judgement on Shauna’s part.

“Oh yeah like I said, trial and error. Most animals are different. So they all need to be treated as such. And… we are um… yeah we’re I don’t know. That’s a whole different playing field.” Shauna mumbled.

“I see…” Nat mumbled.

“Anyways, now that we have a naked rabbit- well after we remove his tail cause it’s all fluffy and shit throw that with the head and feet- now that we have a naked rabbit we can cut open his stomach- it doesn’t take that much pressure- and we can remove his organs and guts. They come out pretty much on their own. Pull out the heart and the liver and stuff, we can eat that, but the guts… that’s trash. Now I’ll move the nasty stuff off the table, and take some of this water and rinse the carcass so it’s somewhat cleaned and then it’s good for me to cut it up for Mari to cook. The bones can be boiled down for soup and stuff as well. You wanna try skinning the next one?” Shauna asked Natalie with an excited look on her face.

Natalie shrugged, “fuck it, let’s give it a go. Why not. Don’t laugh.”

Shauna gave a small smirk, “no one was around to laugh at me, I won’t laugh at you.”

Nat understood the words for what they were, but to keep things light replied, “appreciate it Shauna.” The first cuts through the small animal were slightly sickening to Nat, but she pushed through and slowly she had the head and the feet removed. Then the skin off. Then the tail off. The cut through the stomach was easier than she had anticipated, but Shauna didn’t lie. The guts felt like the fell out into her hands, and they were wet- the blood dried sticky and flaky. Nat was not a fan of that necessarily. She ignored her personal feelings on the matter, Shauna didn’t have a choice in this. She rinsed the carcass and Shauna showed her how to slice the animal into manageable dinner sized pieces. The process was rewarding once it was complete, but still- it was not something she wanted to do everyday.

“Here, you can take the tray to Mari. You did really good Nat.” The praise from Shauna heated Nat’s cheeks and she looked down at the cuts of meat that she had helped make.

“Thanks Shauna, I’ll see you out there.” Natalie replied.

—

*Beep, beep, beep…* A squeeze on Nat’s hand startled her awake. Her eyes shot to the appendage. She looked up and saw Shauna’s hand was gripping hers the best it could, then she looked up and saw two dark brown eyes locked on hers, “Shauna?! Oh my god! Stay still, don’t panic, I’ll get a nurse or a doctor or somebody!” She stood and reached for the call button, then ran into the hallway trying to find a night shift worker that was not actively doing rounds. “Hello?! Somebody?! Um my- my- my- I think my- my Shauna just woke up! Oh… I think I’m gonna pass out.” As soon as Natalie saw a doctor rounding the corner towards her she saw black. Her body hit the floor shortly thereafter.

*Beep, beep, beep…* Natalie came to slowly and was met with the gentle soothing sounds of Shauna’s monitors… when had she suddenly decided they were soothing? Oh! Shauna had woken up, Nat sits up and looks over to see Shauna watching her. “Shauna, oh fuck.” The battered girl gives Nat a small blink of her eyes. Just then a nurse walks in, she gives Nat a big smile. “Oh boy, looks like somebody else is awake too! Glad to see you’ve joined us again.” Nat blushes at the attention, “oh yeah I just got really overwhelmed earlier, that was my bad.” The nurse chuckles while she hovers around Shauna checking and moving things. “Okay, fair warning people are gonna be in and out of here all night. But feel free to talk to her and pull your chair up when we’re gone.” Nat nods as the nurse exits the room.

*Beep, beep, beep…* Nat scoots her chair up to Shauna’s bed and leans forward to give her a kiss on the nose. “I missed seeing these eyes. You have no idea how crazy I’ve felt in here waiting for you my love.” Nat grabs Shauna’s hand and swallows before saying, “the girls are all gone… it’s truly just us now. Your mom stopped by today- I kicked her out. I smoked a cig with your next door neighbors husband. I’m gonna need a key to your apartment. I broke in to steal Jack for you.” She lifts him up as she says it. Shauna lifts her lips as much as she can at the words. Tears well in her eyes.

*Beep, beep, beep…* Nat’s face drops in confusion, Shauna’s lips look like they’re trying to move. She leans forward to see better, she can hear the faintest sound coming from Shauna. “Kiss me.” Natalie leans back and brushes a hand over Shauna’s hair while looking down at her adoringly. “I’ll kiss you only because I love you, you look fucking terrifying. Come here killer.” Natalie leans down and connects their lips gently while rubbing her thumb over Shauna’s cheek.

——————————————————

Notes: sorry Debra stans, she was a bitch in this… I am not a Melissa survivor fan, so this is just RIP Lottie, Van, Tai and Misty. You furthered my plot 🫡 This was brought to you by a beeping noise that has been going on the past few days at my work and I can’t find where it is coming from. Let me know if y’all like it 🙂‍↕️

[hedarose]

Hshshshhss the urge to write hit me for the first time in forever and my shaunanat piece is almost done 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↔️

[hedarose]

I love it, I love it REAL bad 😋

moodboard for my marishauna fic i need you like i need a gaping head wound

[hedarose]

Why are they giving

[hedarose]

This was a very well thought out post, however I did not like the emotions it generated within me 😣 oh nat 😭

natalie as daddy meta (part 1)

(happy father's day to this depressed italian!)

okay, okay, okay. silly title aside, something that has really been tugging at me with regard to natalie scatorccio is the concept of fatherhood. ever since season 3 aired, i've been seeing a lot of callbacks to natalie's upbringing and her dad's death. interestingly, much of the discussion has centered around nat's relationship with coach ben & tends to position ben as another father figure to nat (thus making her move to kill him all the more tragic).

and yes, yes, GO OFF. however, i think a more fruitful examination of nat's relationship to fatherhood can be explored by considering nat as never actually being fathered (not even by coach ben). rather, nat is character who, by virtue of her own trauma, naturally seeks to fill in the gaps left by shitty fathers. she's a character who understands deeply a father's capacity for disappointment, for abandonment, and even for violence. and the way she moves through this intuition is to become a type of caregiver, to become a protector, & to essentially adopt the role of father in the wilderness (as far as it will let her).

to this end, i would even argue coach ben is not a father figure to natalie-- she's actually a father figure to him.

(the crowd GASPS.)

okay, okay stay with me.

a little note on language

i think it's important for this conversation to consider nat's relationship to becoming a father figure (more on this, i promise) as a gendered thing. yes, "parent" could work just as well, but the show is naturally attuned to the absence of man as the structures & hierarchies of home collapse under the yellowjackets' experience in the wilderness. the notion that teenage girls now have the autonomy to take on roles that they would never normally be expected to in the outside world is meaningful, and the ways the yellowjackets expand and grow past the social limitations they left when they entered the wilderness is a big fucking deal. therefore, natalie adopting a position as father really needs that gendered texture to drive home its significance, which is why i'm avoiding neutral language like "caregiver" and expressly moving away from "mother."

nat is becoming a father.

coach ben didn't want this

okay, but what the fuck do i mean? well, the absence of dad is a huge theme in yellowjackets. as soon as the plane crashes, it's just the girls. all probable father figures are dead or injured, and there was no adult woman on the plane to play mother. coach ben's leg is fucked, and coach martinez was impaled by a tree. the only people left to make choices on how to survive are the girls, and you see them moving with (and against) each other to do so.

when ben finally comes to, he's totally checked out. it makes sense, given what he's lost, but all the same, he's not a leader for quite a bit. instead, he's processing what's happened to his leg & he's letting the girls lead the way. when taissa discovers the lake, he expresses some passive suicidal ideation, suggesting that they could just leave him behind. the offshoot of that is... well, what the fuck, dude? you're the adult here. yes, yes, he is going THROUGH IT. but comments such as this begin to cement a particular dynamic for the yellowjackets: they can't depend on ben. ben isn't who they can look to. he's more or less telling them he isn't the adult in the room.

for nat, this isn't too much of a change of pace. she grew up with a violent alcoholic father and a mother who was tapped out and passively letting the abuse happen (therefore, complicit). she's a fiercely independent person by virtue of the terrible parenting she received. honestly, when i think of natalie scatorccio the certainty that "no one is going to save you" comes to mind. i think this principle is what drives nat to be such a proactive presence in the wilderness. she has already learned not to rely on dad, or anyone, and so it's natural for her to step up & take matters into her own hands.

the gun as fatherhood

it's actually a bit sad because in s1e4 (bear down) we get our first glimpse into nat's trauma, and it starts with her dream about the plane. we have imagery of all of the yellowjackets freaking out as the plane begins to crash, and nat is looking horrified and her hand flies out. she reaches out for something, and what she gets is terrible.

there is the briefest flash of relief in nat's gasp of "dad" before her father turns and becomes a fucking nightmare. no reassurance for natalie scatorccio-- that was never her father's role. instead, he's there to show her how hopeless the situation really is, invoking the darkest parts of her own trauma in the very moment she reached for some comfort.

the gun is a potent symbol of fatherhood to nat because the gun is what defined and ended her own father. and here it's actually been put in her hands as the plane goes down and they descend into the wilderness. nat has fatherhood in her hands, and her reaction is absolute fear, panic, before it all settles into a slow steadying breath as the chaos of the plane and the screaming continues around her.

to me, this is the moment of handoff. natalie is taking the central figure of her trauma (the gun = her father) and she's resolving herself into something. "no one is coming to save me. i am what i am and what i've done. i have to keep going."

so later in the same episode, we have coach ben acknowledging his limitations. he is trying to step up despite his earlier crashout, but there's no way around it: he can't be the hunter. and so he's offering up his knowledge (interestingly, knowledge handed down from his own father) to one of the yellowjackets. essentially, ben is saying one of you is going to have to adopt this responsibility that should more naturally be associated with me. one of you is going to have to become an extension of me. one of you will be chosen to provide, to hunt, and if you take the gun as a symbol of fatherhood (as well as ben's stilted attempt to express this caregiving), here we are: one of you has to help me actualize father. because i can't do it on my own.

and natalie, despite her trauma, despite everything that should put her far far far FAR away from guns, is the one who pushes past the flashbacks and the pain and the fear, and steps up. in that moment, she's moving toward ben & saying, "i can do this for you. we're going to do this." and they move forward as co-fathers of the group.

handing off the mantle

so here's the thing about dads and father figures. there's a specific form of abandonment that people in these roles can inflict without actually leaving. a father is a father. a father is NOT your brother. a father is NOT your peer. a father is DEFINITELY NOT your child.

it's a common theme with immature father figures to abdicate responsibility by turning the child figure into a peer, a sibling, and at the very worst, inversing the father-child relationship altogether. let me be clear here: ben did not sign up to be a father! he's a young man that never expected to lose his leg in a plane crash and get stranded in the wilderness with a pack of teenage girls.

all the same, i would argue that his failed attempts at fathering and his quiet resignation to stop trying altogether have a similar trajectory into abandonment. with regard to nat specifically, ben forfeits the father role and becomes the child altogether.

flight of the bumblebee

i think a really interesting example of ben's movement into the child figure is when nat approaches him by the stream and clocks the ever-loving shit out of him!! this is during s1e8 (flight of the bumblebee), so they've settled into nat's dynamic as the primary hunter by now.

she sets down her rifle, teases him about misty, before getting right to it: "you like guys, right?" at first, ben is totally freaking out ("what the hell, nat?") but the panic doesn't last very long. because now nat's sitting down next to him and playing it sweet and reassuring. she's shrugging and smiling and telling him she thinks it's cool...

this is... peak good dad behavior??? honestly, if you were ben and you were concerned about coming out to your family--certain even that they would not accept you--an interaction like this would be all that you could have ever hoped for.

the way nat reassures ben, shows a bit of interest in who he is & who he's dating, and makes that quiet spot by the stream a safe space... this is the kind of coming out that ben never got to have with his parents. this is a gift he never expected from a teenage girl, and yet here it is. nat opened the conversation and gave him the freedom to self-actualize in that moment. it's a big fucking deal. and it's also a vulnerable exchange that brings ben down to her level. he's not a towering, untouchable father figure. he's something smaller. he's almost, dare i say it, a little brother...? and when ben shares that he's fearful of this getting out, big sibling nat promises she won't tell.

doomcoming

nat and ben's shifting dynamic continues into s1e9 (doomcoming). like i said, following the gun training and nat taking on the role as hunter, she and ben have basically moved forward in the group as co-fathers. when they have their moment alone together during the doomcoming celebration, nat is passing ben some hooch she found under the cabin porch and they're sitting together like old friends-- there's very much a peer-to-peer or a siblings vibe going on versus a father-daughter one.

there's a moment when ben offers the drink back to nat, and nat reveals that actually she's doing okay sober... honestly, there's some vulnerability in nat's statement, but i'm not sure that it breaks through to ben how significant it is that she's saying no to the drink. instead, he raises his eyebrows and essentially says "more for me!" for me, this scene is interesting because it seems like nat is reaching for something... maybe some sort of encouragement about what she's doing? but ben is just a peer. he's not a dad. and he's not really in the position to say that he's proud of her. he doesn't.

immediately after this interaction, nat prods ben about his "secret boyfriend" approach to dealing with misty, which is admittedly a bit immature and probably not a wise way to approach the advances of a minor!! in any case, he deflects by bringing up her relationship with travis and nat laments their recent tension, but before ben can give any advice the shrooms kick in. he starts to freak out a little bit but nat's aware that they're tripping. she doesn't seem concerned at all and this seems to soothe ben. they spiral into the trip together, but nat's the steady hand, the older sibling... you get the vibe it would have been a lot more scary for ben if she wasn't there.

ben's spiral into becoming the child

okay, so if season 1 showed nat and ben moving into a peer relationship (with moments of nat subbing in as an almost older sibling figure for ben), then season 2-3 tracks the reversal of the father-child dynamic altogether.

following the cannibalization of jackie and the yellowjackets surviving through the winter, ben is clearly not good. there's just not enough space here to go into a deep dive about his mental health and the ways he begins to untether himself from being a guardian to the girls, but suffice it to say, ben is no longer a figure of any sort of authority. on the one hand, he's beginning to be othered for not eating jackie (and for casting judgment about it), and on the other, he's starting to lose the plot entirely and is spending days on end laying in bed, starving, and hallucinating.

meanwhile, nat is hunting. she's having confrontations with lottie. she's making difficult decisions that are (in her view) for the betterment of her peers. she's still a teenager, and not all of the decisions she makes are mature! when she lies to travis about javi in order to get him to stop looking, she has to deal with it later when travis loses trust in her. when she plays into the hunting game with lottie, she has to stomach the fact that everything went sideways when they needed to work together most to retrieve the moose. nat is doing her very best. she's going out every day. she's trying to bring back food. she's taking jackie's bones to the plane. she's trying to make a map of the wilderness...

but nat's very best isn't appreciated by the group. she's trying, and really she's trying alone, because ben just isn't present. and really, if you take nat and ben as co-fathers of the group, it boils down to this. nat is a father who is staying and striving despite the struggle. she's still working for the kids. ben? is not. he's checking out. he's done. he's losing the willpower to keep going.

letting down shauna

a pretty brutal example of the disparity between nat and ben is shauna's miscarriage. nat literally drags ben to shauna during the delivery. she says, "ben, we need your help. come on!" he tries to tell her he can't help, and she says no. she doesn't let him bail out of this. she's begging him to snap out of it, to be there for them. and when his reaction is such a wildly apparent "oh shit" that's likely to scare the hell out of everyone (including shauna), you can see the disappointment in nat's face.

ben says, "shauna, i'm sorry," and nat gasps "no." he can't be doing this to them. he can't be doing this to her. this is the moment where it all falls apart. ben isn't the father. he's isn't even a peer. he's abandoning shauna obviously, but what i think gets overlooked in this scene is that he's abandoning nat. they were supposed to be doing this together. that was the deal when she took on the rifle. that was the deal when she sat by him by the stream.

but ben's letting her down. and that is fucking that! nat rushes away from ben and tells shauna to ignore him! she reassures her that women have been having babies forever. shauna is going to be fine. she's going to be fine!

nat tells shauna to breathe. from a positional standpoint, she is very much looking like a father during the midst of a delivery. she is at the mother's side, she is offering encouragement, she has water at the ready. this is the moment of transmutation: ben isn't the father anymore. and natalie is.

"you don't belong here, coach."

the handoff during shauna's miscarriage guides nat and ben's relationship through the end of season 2. while ben was off discovering his escape route from the yellowjackets, nat stayed behind. she never left the children. she was even ready to sacrifice herself for the children during the queen hunt, but she's still just a teenager. when travis broke the circle and everything went to shit, she ran. nat's just a fucking kid after all. all the same, she weathered javi's death (and the escalation of the wilderness) with the rest of the yellowjackets while ben was gone.

when the yellowjackets return to the cabin, nat is walking with resolve. she tells travis that the wilderness chose (although whether she believes this is debatable) and she works with tai, van, and shauna to prepare javi for the butchering. ben returns back to this absolute-fucking-nightmare, and he can't do it. he can't deal with this. he turns to see nat and he offers her an escape route.

she says no. because at the end of the day, the yellowjackets need natalie. she's the hunter. in ben's absence, she's the father. she has to stay because the children need her. she has to stay because she's like the children. ben, on the other hand? he's not cut out for this. nat understands this and she sees it and after shauna's miscarriage? well, she knows not to expect anything of ben anymore.

so, nat relinquishes him of his duties. she lets him run off into the wilderness, an abdicated child scampering away. this cements their dynamic moving forward: ben is now the child, nat is now the father. he's not what she needed him to be, but she doesn't hate him for it. instead, she spends the rest of season 3 trying to protect him as best she can, wearily wielding the leadership that he was never cut out for.

putting a child to rest

as we move into season 3, we learn that nat has guided the yellowjackets through the cabin burning down and into the spring. she's taught others like gen how to hunt (mimicking fatherhood as it started with ben's father and then was handed down to nat), and under her leadership, the yellowjackets have cultivated and organized a functioning society that requires no cannibalism. nat is firmly in the father role now, and it's definitely wearing her down (the camp counselor bit with mari and shauna fighting). she's by no means a perfect leader, but she never rats out ben (in the same way she never outs him).

there's a lot, a lot, a lot i could go into here about how nat plays father within group dynamics in season 3, but i'm going to save that for a part 2 on this meta. focusing on her relationship with ben specifically, we see the lengths that nat tries to go to protect him and how she ultimately fails when shauna encourages the group to vote for his execution.

as it turns out, akilah's prophecy convinces the group to keep ben alive, but now nat is in the position of seeing her former co-father, her peer, her little brother, and now someone who seems as weak as a frail child suffer for weeks or months on end. she tries to play into the group's wishes, she tries to focus on the hope of it all. when she speaks to ben and he expresses suicidality, she tries to be authoritative and tell him it'll pass. she tries to be strict and tells him to eat as you would a petulant kid.

but it's all taking it's toll on nat. she can't watch ben wither away like this. and so in the end, she takes him into her arms. this is not the positioning of peers... this is not the positioning of a daughter and her father. this is the positioning of a father and a sick child. this is the loving care of being with someone so small and so weak and guiding them to their rest. being strong for someone who isn't strong enough to drive a knife into their own chest. at its root, nat is fathering ben when she kills him. it has the vibe of a father who has spent months caring for a sick child only to realize the time as come. the only thing nat can do for ben now is be there for him and hold him as he passes.

nat was never supposed to be ben's father figure. but also their plane was never meant to crash. so be it.

[hedarose]

and maybe she’d pair it with one of these bad boys 👀

I'd like to headcanon Natalie to have glow in the dark stars in her room bc she's afraid of the dark, but instead of them being stars, they're these: