heknowsmyend

[heknowsmyend]

This was originally written on 5/29/17, 7 months after my baby passed away. It popped up in my FB Memories today💕😢💕😢I stilllll miss him so much.

Another excerpt from....

💎🎁❤💎🎁❤💎🎁❤💎🎁❤💎🎁❤💎🎁❤💎🎁❤

THE CHRONICLES OF GRIEF:

Sorting out my closet and I decided to muster up the courage to take down Patrick's duffle bag of clothes....as I opened them up, I laid my head down on them and just breathed him in for a moment. #Ahhhh

#TheScentOfMYman ❤❤

Then, I felt led to open up my hope chest and dig out my journals. I've spent the last two hours reading thru my memoirs of our early relationship from May 1994 thru October 1996. Yes, you read that correctly.

Maaaan, we went thru so many things together during that time frame. We pressed in, we pushed away, we tried to see others but we were like a magnetic force that kept pulling back together.

I read of the good times, the frustrating times, the passionate times, the distancing, the dance of love, when I found out I was carrying his seed and dreamed of obliging him with the name of "Rakayah" for a girl as long as I could name a boy "Tresten Courtenay", the fear that came with that news and then the sadness when I learned I was miscarrying, the promises, the denials, the kisses, the hugs, the constant pages, voicemail and phone calls, the jealousies, and back to the love for each other and the horrible incident he was attacked by a deputy sheriff at work, his parents telling me to keep loving him cuz he's never experienced or felt my kind of love, his dad calling me to give me pointers on how to catch him, his mother loving me into their world, him pushing me away and "reeling me back in" (as I accused him) ....woooooowwww!!! 😂😰Two years of "I love you and ditto" only to come to the decision that I deserved better and his head was still fucked up from all the pain of his past.....finally we just decided to be friends. But, we made a promise, in October 1996 that if God gave us the chance to "live happily ever after" in the future, then we would accept the chance and do it!!!!!

Wow.

That. We. Did.👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽

It took 18 years, but we made it back into each other's arms, hearts and loved so deeply until death did us part. Our love never faltered in 23 years, it just grew, it remained true and continued to grow on this amazing level that neither of us ever had been on before.

A month before he died, he randomly asked me "could you live without me?!" And I sannnng "NOOOO" to him before he could finish. Later on, I heard him tell our friends "I asked Bets if she could live without me, she said No oo oo oo, so I asked myself the same question and ya know what??! I couldn't live without her ass either. I dont know what life would be like, I am so used to her being here, every second of my day., I can't imagine my life now without her in it". 👏🏽❤

Uggghhh, I love him so much.😷😰🤒😷

Thank You, Father, for giving me all these gifts that I never deserved...for giving me the presence of mind to take pictures and videos thru our 23 years, to journal, TO PRAY, to love him regardless of his pain, any fear, any pain and for your grace and mercy thru it all. Our friendship, our love and my loss was all for YOUR GLORY and for the greater good of Your purpose!!! I'm so, so grateful. He's the greatest man and love I've ever known. Thank youuuuu for choosing me for him and him for me, Lord!! Hallllllleluuuujah!!!! 👊🏽❤👊🏽❤👊🏽❤👊🏽❤👊🏽❤👊🏽❤❤❤🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

[heknowsmyend]

... while watching “This Is Us” tonight, I was reminded of how much I still miss the two most important men in my life. 👑👑

My Dad. I wish I could tell him how much I miss him, still need him and really, really, reallllly need to talk to him about so many damn things. But. I. Cannot.

And then there’s that guy, Patrick.

My baby, my Sweet Love.

T H E Love of My Entire Life. My God, I miss him so dayumn much, it’s sometimes agonizing. So many things I neeeeeeed to tell him about!!! But. I. Can’t.

So, I talk to him out loud, into the damn air, back to his picture, into all his stuff. But, none of it talks back, either. Go figyah🤷🏽‍♀️

Wow, I haven’t shed tears for a hot minute , but damnitt, my eyes are going to be swollen like a mutha fugga tomorrow!! They say “grief comes in waves”....well, 2 years and some change later, I just got fucking barreled by a gnarley-assed rip curl. #FaReals #GriefIsJustLove

I guess this episode hit me so hard cuz it was a reminder, to me, that the bonds we share with our dads is just unbreakable. My Dad wasn’t perfect at all.....BUT, he was perfect FOR ME💕💕💕. There’s just NO love or comfort or strength like a daddy’s love and a FATHER’s love. Once you lose them and their present voice is silenced, it sometimes is just fucking hard to breathe. There’s so many things I wanna bounce off my Dad, to hear his take on the sitch ; some days, I just wanna call and hear his voice and his silly stories.... but I can’t hear him anymore, cuz he’s gone.

Same with my baby, Patrick. It’s hurting tonite and I can’t breathe. I need to talk to him, hear him walking, breathing, something.

Grief and loss hella six, but I promise you.... we survive. This. I. Know. ✊🏽💕✊🏽💕✊🏽🎤🎤🎤

[heknowsmyend]

Today, he's been gone for 11 months. It's crazy how we couldn't go a few hours without hearing, touching or seeing eachother and here I am...11 months later...without him. BUT I'm alive. I'm free. I'm NO longer broken. Ya know, time doesn't take away the pain, the sadness, the loneliness or the truth. But what time DOES do for us is allows us to CHOOSE if we will use IT to rest, to reflect, to grow, to heal and to refocus on the future or stay a victim to the past. I've chosen to grow. I've chosen to heal. I've chosen to honor his legacy. I've chosen to love him, still. I've chosen to let God lead me. I've chosen to glue the broken pieces. I've chosen life over death. Annnnd, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, he's SO proud of me. #MyRockHisGiftOurLove 💎🎁💖

[heknowsmyend]

Ten Months Without Him

ANOTHER EXCERPT FROM "THE CHRONICLES OF GRIEF" 💎🎁❤ I havent BOUGHT any more hoodies since he died .... he loved that I wore a different pair of sweats & a different hoodie EVERY NIGHT. Its funny cuz while everyone else was busy looking at this "tomboy" and caught up in a chick in sweats, HE saw what was driving my spunk!!! 🤜💖🤛 HE saw the girl, the athlete, the friend, the mother, the businesswoman, the suster, the daughter, the faith walker and the WOMAN underneath my comfort attire. He knew my heart. He knew my drive. He knew my grind. He knew my dreams. He knew my soul. He knew my spirit. He knew, that, she, HER, I wasn't like annnnny other woman in his world!!! I was stronger, wiser, smarter, realer and better than all the rest in his eyes. "YOU HAVE NOOOO COMPETITION" ...that's what he said over and over at our 2nd beginning ....until I got it. Until I saw in me what HE KNEW in me!!! He saw my flaws, and dayummmnittt he loved me despite of them all!!!😢😢 It's funny to ME (now) and him (then) cuz all them sorry-assed fuxx in his life thought I was juuuust like the other ones before me who lied, stole and cheated on him....so they labeled me as such. His favorite thing to say was "LETTT 'EM TALK BABY. THESE BITCHES ARE EXACTLY THAT. THEY DONT EVEN SPEAK YOUR LANGUAGE, HONEY." Ugggghhhhh......today marks TEN MONTHS since he left me to join Jesus. They say it will get "easier". ...maybe for THEM, cuz THEY didn't know him. They didn't love him. They weren't loved BY HIM. I was tho. For 23 years, we loved with a love unlike any other. We knew when to start, stop, press in, wait, hold back, sacrifice and go full speed ahead. We were in full speed ahead mode when he died. That's a tough pill to fucking swallow, even to say, after having ten months to "heal". I don't think this wound will ever close tho. The thing I miss the most about him is....EVERYTHING. Every. Fucking. Thing. We didn't have bad times....cuz we communicsted flawlessly....we spoke to each other about every thought, every emotion, every misstep, every curiosity, every insecurity, every desire and dream. I'll never understand why God allowed him to go home and I don't think that's my business, quite frankly ...its between him and God. But as I tell them both every day, heart will forever be broken and anticipating a visit from him and eventuality his arms around me again. I'm not sure how THAT goes away, but I'm willing to live with it & keep it cuz it keeps him close to me. 😢😢😢😢😢💎🎁❤ Anyways. Ten months and I'm not sure it's any easier...you just learn how to press thru the sadness and let the tears fall, unashamed, unafraid, just knowing it will pass. All this over a damn sweatshirt. 🤣🤕🤣🤕

[heknowsmyend]

Until It Happens To You

This. Is. What. People. Don't. Understand. HE wasn't just my FRIEND. HE wasn't just my HOMEBOY. HE wasn't just my COWORKER. HE wasn't just one of the CREW. While all of those titles and assignments are special in themselves, our bond was deeper. He was my strong tower He was my faith walker He was my strength He was my voice of truth He was my comfort in the storm He was my teacher of life He was my student in love He was the air that I breathe He was whom I shared my soul He was the one who knew my moods He was the one whom we became one He was the one who heard my cry before the tear He was the one who reached for me at night He was the one who called my name at dawn He was the one who took my last bite He was the be who protected me He was the one who gave me his last He was the one who's tears I kissed away He was the one who looked in my eyes with love He was the one who warned me about demons He was who loved me into ME He was my heart He owned my soul HE was the only lover I desired HE was whom I craved all day and held all night HE was the one who's kiss was precious HE was the one I dreamed out loud with HE was the one I held in my arms thru his pain HE was the one who gave me permission to him HE was the one who loved my hands and feet He was the one who stood over me and smiled He was my encourager He was my rock He was the love of my life He won't EVER be forgotten So if you find yourself irritated or even jealous of my memories, do you self a favor and dismiss yourself from my life. Because Patrick Tyrrell Tabor will forever live in my heart, mind and soul. He may no longer be here physically, but he will always be here spiritually. I wish you a love like that!!!! 💎🎁❤💎🎁❤💎🎁❤💎🎁❤💎🎁❤💎🎁❤

[heknowsmyend]

This man was amazing on every level and I love him so much for CHOOSING me to spend the rest of his life with!!! ...even if we only had 2 and a half years together.... every second oc every dsy we spent was worth it!!!!!!!! We probably only were apart twenty days in total and thats cuz I went on mini trips. If we didnt spend every night in the same house, then we were on the phone every hour until we had breakfast together! 😂 We healed our pain from the two very different divorces, we cleared the bitterness of the baggage from our past lives, we learned about our truths and TRUE selves, we shared our raw, pure, unadulterated emotions, we sacrificed for one another, we shared money, food, drinks, life....and boy oh boy....did we LAUGH!!! We laughed, we sang, we played, we danced, we hugged, we kissed, we shared this thing called L O VE. So, so many people will never know LOVE because true love is SELFLESS and that's how we grew into each other. Since 1994, I have loved this man...on every level possible. And vice versa. And for that, I, too, am grateful beyond earthly words. You can go all the way home soon, my love. I'll see you when My Chariot comes. I anticipate you and my Dad, the two best men I've ever loved.... waiting at the gates. ❤

[heknowsmyend]

I'm not isolating; I'm marinating. I'm not angry; I'm conceptualizing. I'm not mourning; I'm growing. I'm not dwelling; I'm being refined by the fire. I'm not judging; I'm choosing better and best. I'm not stagnant; I'm being reshaped. I'm not pondering the past; I'm praising for it. I'm not weak and weary; I'm confident and bold. I'm not broken cuz he's gone; I'm re-purposed. I'm no longer devastated; I'm seeing clearly now. I'm not filled with guilt; I'm grateful He chose me. I'm not the same; I hear and see on a new level. These are just some thoughts that travel thru my mind. I'm healing, but grief is a lonnnnng process!! 👊🏽😢🍷

[heknowsmyend]

This very thing I asked for this morning. And here's my confirmation that He heard me!!! #Yaaaaasss #ItPaysToBelieve 🙌🙌

[heknowsmyend]

Man oh maaaan!!!! Both of my daughters just granted me access to their Instagrams. I know, I know. I’ve never pushes or asked before…..so now that they “let me in”, I feel really special.

What I did NOT expect was to find these pictures. Ohhhhhh talk about tugging on my heart!!! My babies loved My Sweet Love so very much. I knew they did, but wooooow, how humbling this is to see now.

Patrick was truly the most special man I’ve ever known or even loved. The proof is in he pudding right here…my babies viewed him as their “Second Dad”. I don’t think HE ever realized how much they loved him. ,😭😭

Baby, if its true what “they” say that you’re with us every day, then now you know. Thank you, honey, for loving my daughters as your own. I miss you endlessly and love you so, so, soooooo much. 😘❤😘❤😘❤😘❤😘❤😘❤😘❤😘❤😘. 💎🎁❤.

[heknowsmyend]

This pretty much sums it up. Four months later and he's never felt so damn far away from me than he does right now. 😭😭

[heknowsmyend]

I gave this to my baby at some point because we weren’t “PUBLIC” yet…when you love someone as deeply as this, saying “I LOVE YOU” is never enough… serving them is never enough….creating new things is never enough…buying gifts is never enough….cuz the love is so deep within, every aspect of your life breathes THEM.  Well, THEM, in this case is HIM.  He. Was. My. Life.  

[heknowsmyend]

Its Been Four Lousy Months

Sooooo yeah. Today marks four long, drawn-out, emotion-altering, broken-hearted, empty soul feeling, sad I lime you've never been sad before, breathtaking, physical illness, anxiety for the first time having f**king months since My Sweet Love went to be with The Lord. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know the dates. Please know I do. Cuzzz ummm, she/her/I/ME, is the one who was there thru it allllllll....the 26th & 27th of each month the are one day to me....it marks that one day of hell....the worst day of my life. Four. Lousy. Months. Ago. So I'll say for months and a day ago, WE were: ......watching the morning news and talking about the upcoming weeks plans ......sitting at work, laughing together on the phone all day ......discussing what you wanted for dinner .....watching CNN and FOX like two crack feinds .....looking for apartments to rent on March 1st .....envisioning your babies taking a CIF & 3 The HardWay .....staring at each other while I rubbed your bald head .....sharing those soft, precious kisses onto our faces .....hearing you assure me that "I'm gonna be a strong Mandingo for you again, soon, babe, I promise." .....talking about taking a trip back to Catalina or Vegas ......counting the days til we could go back to Sycuan ......saying our nightly "goodnight ritual" to eachother ......and planning for our future. That was four months and a day ago. Life was still great, exciting and really, really full and just finally fucking happy. But then came the commotion. First the meds. Then the dizziness. Then the scary shit. Then the ambo. Then the race to the hospital. Then the ER Then the doc saying you'll "be a new man in the morning" Then the ICU Then the CODE BLUE ......it was all too familiar cuz I heard that same call thru the hospital with my dad years prior. Then the charge RNs face Then she said they "won't try all night' Then they got your heartbeat back Then they rushed me in demanding me to touch you and speak to you and kiss you Then they got the rhythm back and rushed me out again You were still with me, babe. I had sooooo much hop. My Dad came back, why not you too, right?? Then she grabbed my phone & said CALL HIS DAUGHTER Then she paused and said CALL HIS MOTHER. NOW. Then those minutes became hours Prayer, pleading to God to keep you here Then another Code Blue Total renal failure so they brought the dialysis in Your body rejected it totally s if you were fighting now to stay in the light I watched them pummel your lifless body in desperation All I could say standing outside those people was "come on baby, come back to me, baby. Fiiiight honey" But I knew you were watching over us already Another code blue. Try these measures again. Then all these people coming thru The very thing you did not want The very thing we juuuuuust talked about People are so selfish, as you know They didn't respect your wishes They kept fucking coming I tried to keep them away, honey, I swear I did And then all the billy goats started gallopping in They were so disrespectful but the nurses said they needed closure too Another code blue, so I ran down the hall again to you I watched the routine again. Heartbeat back. He's not here anymore, sweetie. And another code as I ran back towards you again The doc took me aside and said that's it. The next time will be the last cuz too much damage has been done. He told me to clear out anyone I didn't want. I sat there with you and couldn't believe that less than a day ago, we were planning our future and today, I'm saying goodbye to the love of my life. I got your family, brought them back I addressed the crowd that you'd not be brought back anymore. I left you with the people you grew up with...your mom, your sister, your brother and your niece. I just couldn't hear that flatline, honey. I just couldn't. I went to my babies and waited for the final call. I heard your mom scream "my baby's gone" and that was the worst thing to ever hear. I grabbed my babies and as your family made their peace, we made our way back to you. As I looked at my beautiful baby at rest, asked them to remove everything so we could just hold you. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you baby. I'm so sorry. This has been the worst four months of my life but also the most revealing. I've gotten so strong, so much wiser. And I've seen the true colors of these "basket of deplorables" that we knew. I swear I feel like you're inside my head, speaking on my behalf sometimes and I feel so rock solid. I laugh at some of the bold assed shit that comes out my mouth sometimes cuz it's so you!!! Its just been nuts, baby. I still can't fully grasp that you're not here. Its absolutely unreal. Really. You were right about people tho. Everyone just keeps on living They cry, theyove on and keep derinking, keep smoking, keep fucking and carry on.....while some of us can't figure out the entire maze of puzzle pieces on HOW to keep living!! You taught me so, so much babe. I'll never stop missing you or loving you Your baby told me last night, "we are gonna keep on making you pround as we always have". Four fucking months seems like eternity. Not sure how this will ever just get easy. I miss you. Endlessly. Be free, my love. Enjoy your peace, no sickness, no pain , no drama. Go towards it, baby And prepare that place for me, k?? I love you Tyyyyyrelllllll ❤❤❤

[heknowsmyend]

When your baby has his game tight... #HeDiiiidThaaaat #MyRockYoyrGiftOurLove

[heknowsmyend]

“There’s always that one person That will always have your heart You never see it coming Cause you’re blinded from the start Know that you’re that one for me It’s clear for everyone to see Ooh babyyyy….

…..It started when we were younger You were mine my boo Now another brother’s taken over But its still in your eyes my boo Even though we used to argue it’s alright I know we haven’t seen each other In awhile but you will always be my Boo

…..I was in love with you when we were younger You were mine my boo And I see it from time to time I still feel like my boo And I can see it no matter How I try to hide my boo Even though there’s another man who’s in my life You will always be my boo

….Yes I remember boy Cause after we kissed I could only think about your lips Yes I remember boy The moment I knew you were the one I could spend my life with Even before all the fame All of those people screaming your name You were my baby

….My oh, My oh, My oh, My oh, My Boo My oh, My oh, My oh, My oh!!!”

#MyBoooooooo ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[heknowsmyend]

Heartbreak #1

Happy Twenty SEVENTEEN!!

I forgot all about my TUMBLR account until a few moments ago.  I guess that has some significance in it, itself.  In order to move forward, I have to recap where I’ve been, so that this will make sense.  I’m an A-Z person.  I have to tell the story from the beginning, with all details in between, so bear with me...I’ve been called “an oral processor” and that’s okay with me.

When I write, I find peace in sorting things out in my mind and that clears the way for whatever’s next.  My life mission is to be honest, humble, and use my gift of humor in order to give others a HOPE.  It’s very simple.  I have to be honest where I’m at and in order to do so, I must humble myself before you all, no pride, no foolery, just real talk, for real people, who can understand that yes, while I’m a “BELIEVER”, I’m also a HUMAN, so I’m not perfect, nowhere close to even THINKING that way, but I also am subject to my flesh.  I cuss, I talk shit (see) and then I repent and try to be better in the next moment.  But one thing that I will NOT do is LIE.  I don’t tell mistruths; I only tell MY TRUTHS and people often times find that frustrating, if my truth intersects with theirs, cuz, well maybe, their humility and pride and self confidence and self assurance level isn’t at the same level as mine is....but I believe ya’ll will get there, when you decide to be honest with YOURSELF. I don’t know if that made sense, but it was for someone--who, only you and God know.

ANYWAYS....my 2016 was a year of REALITY for me.  A year of LIFE IN SESSION, if you will.  In summary, I’ll say that I lived, I loved, I lost once and it hurt.  I lost twice and it devastated.  But I learned...and I’m here, still living and breathing, which means I was LOVED thru it all.  For that, I’m grateful.

To recap the year would be cumbersome.  So, I won’t.  But I will touch on the resonating theme in my life the second half of the year and that was LOSS.  I lost my father and my lover within 90 days of one another.  When I’ve heard of people going thru this type of thing in the past, I thought, “My goodness, if that was me, I’d DIE.  I couldn’t deal, I would just give up living”.  Well, guess what? I didn’t die.  I didn’t give up.  I didn’t lose hope.  And I didn’t stop living.  I’m here, living, breathing and still HOPING that God’s will be done.

I know that I’ve been given a gift of faith.  I’ve had it since I was a little girl and even then, although I couldn’t articulate what was in my heart, I always knew that there was a seed planted, by my family, and they watered the seed, as did others along the way--until it blossomed into a real, living, breathing THING and now here I am...knowing that Jeremiah 29:11 is TRUE!!  I knowwwwww He has a plan for me, a plan to NOT harm me, but a plan to GIVE ME a future and a HOPE!!!  This.  I .  Know.

So, back to 2016, while I was preparing for a future with the love of my life, PATRICK, aka “Tyyyyrellll”, I received a phone call from my brother on July 30th. For “some reason” that day, I had things to do, but ‘something’ kept me back at Patrick’s house...I didn’t leave, I got ready, I sat down, I got up, I started to leave, but I sat back down and decided to stay another half hour, another hour, and another two hours until my phone rang.  I answered and said, “Hey Boonie”, surprised that my brother was even calling me---and I heard his voice say quickly, “DAD DIED”.  As I think back to that moment, I sat still.  I said, “WHAT, WHAT HAPPENED”.  He choked back his tears and told me a brief story of my Dad was doing yard work, he must have felt some chest pains, he came inside, sat in his chair, called my brother, he didn’t answer, then he called my oldest brother and left a voicemail message.

As I was sitting there, my stomach felt instantly sick, as it used to when I was a little girl, when adversity hit.  I looked over at Patrick sitting in his chair and I whispered to him, “My Dad died”.  He looked at me with the most compassionate, loving glance and his head fell back and tears fell down his face.  He said “DAMMMIT, NOOOOO” and he stood up, walked over to me and cried with me.

I hung up with my brother and my baby held me tight.  He cried with me and said over and over, “baby, it’s okay, I got you.  Baby, I got you.  Baby, it’s gonna be okay. Baby, I’m so sorry, Baby, it’s okay”.  I cried, I felt as if I would stop breathing.  I breathed in his chest, I smelled his scent, I felt his love and I made a decision to be strong and breathe.”  As I looked up at My Sweet Love, his face was filled with tears, and the look in his eyes conveyed the deepest level of love that I’d ever seen looking back at me in my lifetime.  At that very moment, I knew that he and I, despite all odds, past pain, hurt and brokenness, would be together for the rest of our lives.  As I climbed out of his arms, he kissed my tears, as I did  his, so many times before.  He looked me square in the eyes and said, “You’re strong baby, I got you.  You were with me when my Dad died and I’m here with you.  Whatever you need, I got you”.  I tried to gather my thoughts and I just stood at his kitchen counter and I said “Okay, who do I call first, my mom, my sisters, my kids or who...”.  Somehow, I pulled it together, and started calling, first my mother.  Then my oldest sister.  Then my sister who was in Spain.  She didn’t answer and thus began hours of stressful phone calls, sadness and love all in one.  My Dad was actually gone and I’d never hear his voice again, never hear his laugh, never hear his silly assed jokes, never hear another story about life, never see him, never smell his cigarettes and mints....he was just gone.

That was my first heartbreak of 2016.  What I learned thru that brief season was that God had prepared me to receive His will.  My Dad was my life, my world, my heart.  Nobody came close to him but Patrick and because I was WITH HIM, my life was okay.

A few days later, Patrick told me “I can’t stop replaying this in my mind and I have to tell you because it’s almost haunting me, but at the same time, I see now, how much I really, truly love you.”.  I asked him what he was talking about and he said, with tears in his own eyes, “I keep seeing you sitting on the couch and you were so happy, then your beautiful eyes looked over at me and in the softest, most loving voice you whispered ‘my dad died’.  If you could’ve seen how you looked when you said that, it broke my heart and reminded me of my own dad dying, but, when I looked at you, I saw you in a totally different light.  I realized how much I love you and I can’t get it out of my mind”.  As he told me, I just cried because, that was the kindest, most sincere thing he’d ever told me and he’s told me A TON over the 23 years of our love!!!

Again, I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be that day.  I wasn’t supposed to run the errands for us--I wasn’t supposed to go get the groceries for the BBQ later on.  I wasn’t supposed to run home and do the laundry and tend to my kids.  I wasn’t supposed to be anywhere but sitting on the couch with the love of my life, the strong tower in my my world and with the man who I loved just as much as my Dad...and who loved me equally.  Not only THAT, but I also knew that God had prepared me to receive the loss of my Dad--because I have always prayed, “PREPARE ME TO RECEIVE YOUR WILL, LORD, for I know it’s GOOD.  PERFECT.  And ACCEPTABLE”.  And, that, He did!!

What I did NOT know, is that, I was also soon going to lose the love of my life in less than 90 days.  But, even that, too, He was preparing me to receive.  

[heknowsmyend]

....I saved my fortune cookie until I NEEDED it and look what was inside!! #MyEffortsWillBeRewarded #Boop #WellThenImagineThat #ThisYearsGottaBeBetter

[heknowsmyend]

I pray that my beloveds would recognize this.