hellazrus

[hellazrus]

Look, you who never asked for this: it’s the bearing that hurts. Not the losing. It’s the carrying on.

— Devin Kelly, from “My Mother, the Day She Knows the Ones Who Died in the Shooting,” published in Foundry

[hellazrus]

' how’s your back? '

                                                   THE  BOAT  PROMPTS      ⨠      ACCEPTING   .

     for  a  moment,   they’re  apart  from  it  all.    around  them,   the  stale  motel - room  air   hums  with  levity,   bubbling  over  dean’s  limbs  like  effervescence.    he  feels  champagne - light,   like  this  night  could  gather  itself  beneath  the  battered  soles  of  his  boots  and  lift  him  off  the  ground.    it’s  him  and  sam,   and  this  tiny  sliver  of  peace  they’ve  chipped  off  from  someone  else’s  due.    dean  wants  to  hold  it  tight  in  his  fist,  to  slip  it  under  his  skin  and  take  it  inside  himself,  where  he  knows  it’ll  be  safe.    instead,   he  slathers  on  his  best  eyeroll  and  pitches  it  over  to  sam.

     “ you’re  not  that  heavy,  doofus. ”    in  truth,  discomfort  is  coiling  like  a  viper  in  the  small  of  his  back,   twining  its  way  up  his  spine  and  radiating  outwards.    sam  is  so  much  bigger  than  dean  is  accustomed  to,   like  a  puppy  who’s  only  just  grown  into  his  paws.    it  had  been  startling,   at  first,   but  dean  is  growing  to  like  it.    “ gain  another  hundred  pounds,   then  we’ll  talk. ”    the  thought  alone  has  his  bones  groaning  in  protest,   and  yet  like  any  good  winchester,   stubbornness  has  always  clung  to  him  like  a  second  skin.

     he  takes  a  pull  from  the  beer  sitting  on  the  dinged - up  coffee  table  in  front  of  him  and  kicks  his  feet  up,   smacking  his  lips  in  appreciation.    “ so  where’s  my  20  bucks,  huh?    ain’t  lettin’  you  off  that  easy. ”

[hellazrus]

book meme / the boat, nam le

you were sick.

a day lived, a sea of knowledge earned.

everyone says so.

family is family. you might only have one shot at it.

don’t worry about me.

thank you, sweetie.

be careful or your hands will blister.

i didn’t mean to wake you.

the past’s a cold body of water for me and nowadays my bones ache after even a quick dip.  

you’re exhausted.

a mess. i’m a mess.

we just don’t talk about that kind of stuff.

do you want me to make some lunch?

that was the big secret.

fuck off. i’m serious.

the captive buffalo hates the free buffalo.

i don’t want you to say what i want you to say!

a precaution against what?

we’re almost there.

don’t go anywhere.

just saying it felt like some sort of betrayal.

i read your story this morning. while you were still sleeping. 

listen to you and your fancy language.

don’t be such a little dickhead then.

all bullshit.

as much loneliness as fear.

how’s your back?

i was dreaming.

it’s tough enough for him already.

i’m probably a bad person.

you’re angry.

i didn’t want to be defined by it.

be quiet! be quiet!

it’s crowded as hell.

[hellazrus]

HORROR AESTHETICS

bloodied knuckles .  tear stained cheeks  .  rust  .  a busted lip .  claws  .  fangs  . a bloody nose  . chattering teeth  .  a dark space underneath the bed .  scratching noises on a wall  . creaking metal  . fog .  dancing under moonlight  . blood dripping lips  .  heavy breathing in the dark  . a feeling of unexplained dread  .  a figure in a dark corner  .  dirty peeling wallpaper  .  a bloody handprint on the wall  .  sobbing in the dark  .  bite marks on the skin  .  eerie whispers  .  a hood covering a stranger’s eyes  .  the growl of a hidden animal  . the sound of a blade being sharpened  . a deep, dark forest .  walking on the streets alone at night  . a cobweb-filled, abandoned building  .  eyes darting in paranoia .  a heavy beating pulse . the feeling of being trapped  .  struggling to get out a scream  .  boards covering broken windows  .  a quiet graveyard  . a gas station in the middle of nowhere  .  a road that never ends .  heavy fog rolling in  .  the scent of blood in the air .  eerie old photographs  .  walking along traintracks at night  .  a chill going up the spine  .  gathering crows  .  a dusty, dimly lit study  .  mist over a deserted cobblestone street  .  ghost towns  .  shadows around a campfire  .  the sound of chanting  .  church bells tolling  .  an orange harvest moon  .  a broken down carnival  .  a dirty stuffed animal abandoned  .  wiping bloody hands on fabric .  nightmares  .  waking up in a panic .  a power outage  .  heavy lightning storms  .  a secret trap door  .  the feeling of being watched  .  fear from trauma  . a ouija board set out on a table  .  an eerie doll . a scream of anguish and pain  .  withered plants  .  a room that’s been forgotten and gathered dust  .  owl eyes in the dark  .  curled, dead tree branches  .  a ritual altar  . flickering candles  .  a lantern held up in the dark  .  fear of being followed  .  creaking floorboards  .  repressed, horrible memories  .  clenched teeth  .  soft, echoing piano keys  .  an old book covered in dust  .  many pairs of glaring eyes  .  stumbling in pitch black darkness  .  being stranded in the middle of nowhere  .  tarot cards on a table  .  a trail of blood

tagged by. @prodigil tagging. all of u

[hellazrus]

[hellazrus]

hey so uh if anyone likes horror, the arctic, death by scurvy, or sad boys in the 1840s come hit me up over here

[hellazrus]

hey so uh if anyone likes horror, the arctic, death by scurvy, or sad boys in the 1840s come hit me up over here

[hellazrus]

texting starters send a symbol for…

🌻 a worried text.

🐰 a goofy text.

🦋 a loving text.  

🧦 a half-asleep text.

🌳 a happy text.

🍎 an apologetic text.

⚠️ a text meant for someone else.

🕰️ an early morning text.

💫 a late night text.

🗑️ a text that wasn’t sent.

💡 a scared text.

💀 an urgent text.

🥇 a supportive text.

🔪 a hateful text. 

🌊 a sad text.

⚡ an angry text. 

🚀 a goodbye text.

[hellazrus]

ROLEPLAY  HISTORY .

post 10 characters you’d like to roleplay as,   have roleplayed as,  and might bring back.   then tag 10 people to do the same.   aside from that,  please repost instead of reblog !

CURRENTLY  PLAYING .

dean winchester,   from supernatural     —     @hellazrus​    ( kinda inactive )

castiel,   from supernatural     ━     @sacripent​    ( inactive )

supernatural multi featuring:   bobby singer, sam winchester, bela talbot, ed zeddmore, meg masters, alastair, ruby      ━     @asphlts​    ( inactive )

ash halloway,   supernatural-based oc      ━     @stryges​    ( inactive )

WANT  TO  PLAY .

abaddon,   from supernatural

charlie bradbury,   from supernatural

sylvia tilly,   from star trek

éowyn,   from lotr

gollum,   from lotr (don’t @ me)

one of the nazgûl,   from lotr (still don’t @ me)

HAVE  PLAYED .

spock,   from star trek

leonard mccoy,   from star trek

lady macbeth,   from shakespeare

mrs. lovett,   from sweeney todd

bilbo baggins,   from lotr / the hobbit

and a bunch of others less recently

TAGGED BY.   @shieldeus ♥ TAGGING.   anyone!! pls steal this and tag me i want to know

[hellazrus]

if anyone has any suggestions for how to wean yourself off chapstick let a girl know

[hellazrus]

         WINTER HAS COME       ,       heavily under construction   /   by ILA

[hellazrus]

I miss you more than I remember you.

Ocean Vuong, from On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous (Penguin, 2019)

[hellazrus]

aw shit. i forgot about gadreel :\ this is sure gonna fuck up my plans for a post-s8 redemption arc for dean asghasdf

[hellazrus]

[hellazrus]

hi i miss s1-3 of supernatural exclusively

[hellazrus]

[hellazrus]

Edna St. Vincent Millay