hello-ellesworld

[hello-ellesworld]

wala ng soft/hard launching, wedding photos agad.

[hello-ellesworld]

“they don’t see the parts of you that had to disappear to make room for their comfort, but how can they, you don’t let them in close enough to give them a chance to. the grief of being easy to love accumulates quietly. it sits in the spaces where your needs used to live. in the pauses where you don’t speak. in the decisions you let others make for you, just to keep the peace”

“the more fluent you become in other people’s needs, the harder it becomes to locate your own. you lose sight of where you end and they begin.”

— my current safe space is substack, and I am loving every bit of it, the writers calls me out in a very loving & comforting ways.

[hello-ellesworld]

i re-opened my online cakeshop. 🎂

i'm based here in Pampanga, so if you need custom cakes for any occasions, or if you want to gift a cake to someone from here, i can arrange it too, for you. 💛🎂

follow my shop on instagram: @/lillys.ph

[hello-ellesworld]

as someone who doesn’t normally talk about what I went through, who rarely opens up, I read something, “do not speak from your scars, speak from your strength. stop talking about what hurt you instead, speak like a winner. you weren’t saved to survive, you were saved to rise” — which made me decided to finally talk to him last weekend, cleared the air between us and finally put our 13 years of push and pull behind us. not gonna lie, masakit padin, but I keep reminding myself that we both had 10 years to choose each other, but we didn’t, we choose different paths. it is a different kind of pain, pain that comes with freedom, i loved him & he loved me & that’s all that matters to me, i wish him all the best not with me but with the choices he made for himself. as for me, i move forward, i deserve the best, eto na nga lang hindi kami nagkatuluyan, sobrang happy ko na, ano pa yung makakatuluyan ko? baka mamatay nako sa saya. hahaha sa wakas hindi ko na kakantahin yung Almost ni Tamia. hahahahahh.

he will no longer hold me back, i am free.

[hello-ellesworld]

Niseko’s iced matcha latte with oat milk is probably the best matcha I tried if gusto ko ng intense matcha. also, I discovered my fascination with elephants, prolly because while I am having my lunch, nakatapat sakin yung elephant ng cosmic sa molito, since my rule is no phone while eating alone so I can focus & slow down, dito ako naka tingin kay Malika, there’s something about Malika that captured my interest, don sa story board, Malika is an ode to Mali (google the story of Mali from Manila Zoo) — in Cosmic, Malika stands there. Unchained. Unbothered. Unapologetically majestic , kaya sabi ko gusto ko ng elephants hahahahaha.

several things I learned today: slow paced eating calms me down. 1 matcha a day only. makipag date ng weekdays kasi less people. surround yourself with people that you like, i saw people na gusto kong maging, people who carry themselves with grace, not just figuratively but literally & last, I graduated from wearing black? I moved to brown/earthy tones hahahahahahah

[hello-ellesworld]

The best decision I ever made was to be quiet. I have nothing to prove. I'm not fixing what I didn't break. I'm not fighting for anyone to see my worth. Whatever you do is on you. As for me, I'm moving forward, free and at peace.

[hello-ellesworld]

ang panget ng belief na na form ko about posting sa tumblr, hindi naman ako sana masyadong naniniwala, id rather not give power sa mga evil eye, naalala ko sabi ni lovely, kapag nag popost siya sa tumblr, mas lalong nauudlot, pero parang napansin ko nga? hahaha ayoko kasing bigyan ng thought na mas powerful yung evil eye than yung faith ko sa sarili ko saka sa vision ko, pero lagi akong binibigyan ng evidence to support na pag sa tumblr, nauudlot. may isang part ng buhay ko that I shared but I deleted that post, I didn’t mention what country I am trying to move in, naudlot siya, nainis ako. hahahah. pero still, yang country na yan, nasa back lang ng utak ko, I still get opportunities for that country. now, may isa sana akong isshare kaso naalala ko nanaman na na jijinx eh. gusto ko sana to i rewire KASO ang lala ng evidence ng RAS ko sa specific belief ko na to. hindi ko alam saan angle ako mag start.

[hello-ellesworld]

started to like my self again. got the top i wanted. had the best massage. rewatched my favorite filipino movies. munch on fruits. had matcha from matcha later. had cheesecake & mint tea latte for breakfast. started to read my first “self discovery” book. got some flowers. my period started (after 2 months, I am on BC but surprisingly no side effects). discovered what ritual i would like to practice every morning & during mid day reset. asked for hysa’s advice on how to start pilates. tried deuces sea salt Spanish latte and pistachio cookies (which will be the last coffee I’ll have until December). my lucky girl is activated because I was able to secure a seat sa deuces kasi pagod ako from all my cardio that morning. & suddenly life is worth living again.

i won’t force anyone to move forward with me, i am okay with leaving people behind.

[hello-ellesworld]

do i like their matcha? Yes. will i wait for two hours again for this? Absofuckinglutely . pero maybe instead of going there ng 4pm, 11am nalang. lately, my life is a series of experiences then tagging them if Iove it or just an experience.

[hello-ellesworld]

“i wanted my choices to make sense to the people around me because i thought that’s how you know you’re on the right track. but life has a funny way of teaching you that the "right track" is a myth. the reality is, everyone’s journey looks different, and no one is obligated to understand yours.”

“i just needed to be secure in my own decisions. once i embraced that mindset, the pushback from others started to bother me less. i stopped needing everyone to understand because i understood, and that was enough.”

—

[hello-ellesworld]

in another universe id be able to love you the way that you love me in this one

[hello-ellesworld]

ilang buwan na din ako ninunudge i start yung isang book sa library ko, hindi ko siya ma share kasi sa totoo lang I haven’t started yet pero may idea ako about it, I don’t believe in coincidences, everything is connected if you just learn how to look at it, at least in my reality, ganon ko siya tignan. If you also believe that we have different / alternate realities, then you’d understand what I am trying to say. Pero I digress, sure kasi ako when I start this book, mag sshift lahat sa buhay ko, takot lang talaga ako kasi alam ko din madami akong maiiwan and hindi pa ata ako ready don.

sure kasi ako that when I decide na i allow yung shift na yun, dere derecho na. hirap talaga i let go ng old self when its comfortable and familiar, even if its chaotic at puno ng pain, nasanay nalang kasi ako na masakit. kaya its hard to always choose the other version of me. saglit kasi , siguro penge muna 7 days then, universe ready na ko piliin yung better reality ko sa kabilang universe. ready nako sa quantum shift.

[hello-ellesworld]

“We’re taught to cherish friendships, to hold on tightly, and to weather the storms together. But no one ever tells us what to do when a friendship stops feeling like home.”

[hello-ellesworld]

feeling good & living better 🌟

[hello-ellesworld]

Do you date someone na from Tumblr? If not, rule mo ba talaga siya?

romantic date? I don't. friendly date, like coffee or hang out? yes. hanggang crush lang naman ako , ldr pa nga (wala din landian), nothing more than that, yun ang rule.

[hello-ellesworld]

i'm grateful that some people don't get me because it means i'm not pleasing everyone anymore.😌

[hello-ellesworld]

when I told my mom that I am planning to have my tubes tied, akala ko lalabas na yung eyeballs niya sa eye socket niya, hindi ko sure why is she so surprised when all along she is fully aware that I don’t want to have kids, I am sure she thinks na hindi ko pinag isipan, pero I don’t want and need to explain further, mahirap makipag usap sa taong the only thing she wants is masunod yung gusto niya. sabi ng friend ko, why do I need it eh I am not active anymore so walang pregnancy scare, so sabi ko, sure ka ba chz hahahahahha. hindi I get her point, when I said I want to have my tubes tied I don’t mean I am doing it tomorrow, it is just a plan I want to have, also, at least when I do it, literal na walang pregnancy scare lol.

I don’t think my friends/family understands how serious I am when I say I don’t want to have kids, pero I am not here to convince anyone na seryoso ako, gusto ko lang informed sila hahaha hindi ako nag kulang ng sabi, kayo lang tong ayaw akong pakinggan.

anyway, yun, I am going to ask my OB about it, and see what steps I need to do. this is also how I piss off my mom, I bring up topics na hindi niya kayang pag usapan because it pisses her off kapag hindi na siya ang mag dedecide para sa life ko.