helloleleslifeme-blog - Tumblr blog

helloleleslifeme-blog · 8 years ago

Text

why

Feeling your fingers run through my hair, down the sides of my face... feeling your fingertips run down the curve in my back.. feeling your arms wrapped around my body. the feeling of your body against mine. I miss it. I miss you, but knowing what you did it makes me wonder, “can I ever forgive you?” can I? you broke my heart. It shattered. you scared away any trust or faith I had left in you. I'm too good at saying goodbye to you. I'm too good at being alone. I'm too good at getting my heart broken. This is a dance that i've danced before. This is a song i've sung too many times before. It doesn't matter how much i love you, the question is, can i forgive you after all the hurt you've caused me? Can my heart recover from all the crushing and crashing you've caused? Can my depression forget about you? When i met you i thought you were the one. I thought i'd marry you. I thought that'd you'd be everything for me. I thought you'd be the one to make me forget about all the times i had been hurt before. I thought you'd change me for the good. But all you did was make me better at being alone. Make me get used to the idea of living my life alone. You made me get used to being talked down to. Left behind. Abandoned. Used. you showed me what it was to love, but you also showed me what it was to lose. Is he really a man if he can let you beg god to let you die? Is he a man worth taking a risk at letting him forget about you again and break you again?

You let me sit there and wonder so many things. You made me question everything i had ever believed before.. You made me question my abilities to love. My abilities to trust. I believed in you. I loved you. I trusted you. And you willingly left me behind. But now you realize what you lost and want it back. Now that that girl doesn't want you? How stupid does that make me look for being a second choice? You took all of my oxygen. You left me with nothing but a crushed nothingness humans would call a heart. I wish i could numb everything i felt for you. I wish i could have amnesia and just forget about everything that involved you. You ruined me. You deny everything. You say sorry for things i don't think you understand. I think you only say it because you know that's what you have to say. You don't mean it. I don't think you know the meaning. I truly believe you only care for yourself. You think you can get your way but life doesn't work that way, not when you involve other people.

Trust: what does it mean? Does it mean that you can tell someone something in confidence and know they won't take you for advantage or tell someone else? Does it mean that you can fall in love with someone who says they love you and know they won't break your heart? Does trust even exist? Would you say it did? Trust isn't shit when you've been left behind as many times as me. I have to say, for one 17 year old girl, i've been left behind one too many times.

I can tell you a million reasons why i loved you. And i have a life time to. But personally i don't think thatll do. I can tell you that i fell in love with your smarts. I thought you were brilliant. I can tell you that i fell in love with how protected you made me feel. Even when i was scared to death of what was out there to get me. I can tell you how i fell in love with how you reminded me each day that i wasn't alone. Even on nights when i felt completely alone. You made me feel things i had never felt before. You made me feel like a queen. You made me feel like i was the only girl in the world. I can even tell you the moment i fell in love with you. -- you had asked me if you could call and of course i said yes. You didn't wait a second you called right away.you didn't push me off. You accepting me for all that i was. Disaster and all. But i can also tell you the moment we fell apart. She texted you on your birthday. You know who.. You know what i'm talking about… you lied. To my face. And got caught. What did you want from me? Why did you keep coming back just to break my heart? Why couldn't you just leave me alone? Why couldn't you just love me and accept me like you did before? I guess that wouldn't be genuine cause you were lying to me then too.

I'm sorry for what ever it is that i did to make you break me. I'm sorry for making you feel like my life wasn't worth much. I'm sorry my heart was fragile like you wanted it to be. I'm sorry i opened up to you. I'm sorry you felt like you had to take advantage of my love.

-- i'm sorry.

--”anonymus”

0 notes

helloleleslifeme-blog · 8 years ago

Text

LIFE.

People don't ever really think about it, but if you do, you can remember something from when you were about five. My earliest memory was a moment when my mom moved me and my three siblings into a house with other people because we couldn't afford to live on our own. It was this big green house with a large garage that my mom and the owner of the house turned into two bedrooms. One for my mom and her partner, and one for me and my older sister. My two brothers slept in the house with the other boys who lived in the home with us. All together there was about eleven of us in that one house. It was a one story house, with a huge back yard for the animals, and a huge front yard with a short gate around it and a huge tree for the kids to play in. The owner put up a little play house in the yard for us girls to play in. i can’t remember exactly how old i was at the time, but i was pretty young. Couldn't have been older than about four or five. There’s times in people's life’s that they remember more than others. They either remember all the good or all the bad, or maybe even bits and pieces of both. Some of mine were good but most of mine were bad…

Growing up they try to prepare you for when your parents set you loose into the real world where you have to care for yourself. But what they don't tell you is that, that moment come fast and its abrupt for most kids. My mom was always into drugs and my dad didn't get to choose when he had to pick us up from moms because she made him care for us. But little did she know that you cannot make someone love someone they have hate for. I was an unholy baby. Created out of wedlock, hate, revenge, and adultery. My dad wife apparently told my mom that my dad would never touch her, so my mom took that challenge and went for it. And guess what? She got me. Revenge. A mistake. A war. Living like that was hard for a little girl who never understood why her dad never looked at her the same way he looked at her sisters. My mom loved me, i have no doubt about that, but she wasn't capable of caring for anyone but herself when she got high. Or when she was off them for that short period of time. So my sister who was too young to understand why mom was never there when we needed her, took me under her wing. She cared for me when my mom couldn't, loved me like her own, and gave up her childhood for me. And i don't ever think i could ever express how grateful i am of her and the life she gave me as a young child. She gave it all up, for me.

My second earliest memory was preschool. I can’t remember everything but i do remember sleeping by the door a lot. A really good memory i have from around that age was a christmas. My dad did something that i'll never be able to forget. He taught me how to tie my shoes. You know, that “loop it around and make it into bunny ears then loop it through here”. At this time we were living in a different home. I don't remember the inside but i remember the outside. We had this great big tire swing hanging from this humongous tree that my grandpa had put up. We had this goat, yes a goat. And we had planted watermelon seeds. And we lived across the street from the school my brothers and sister had gone to. We lived in waterford for all of these memories. It was a peaceful place. We never realized how peaceful until we started moving again.

Growing up i have lived in probably around a hundred different homes. i have gone to well over twenty schools. And we never stayed in one place for long. I never knew every reason for us moving, but mostly it was because we never got our rent in on time and not all the landlords were understanding of our situation. We had to wait for my dad to do his stuff with his business before we got the child support which paid our rent and utilities. So we never got it on time because my dad never found it important to send it before he did all the stuff for work. Like hey who cares if his kids are out on the streets?

Food always came from the food stamps we got from my mom having us in her care, but we had to sell our food stamps sometimes to get money for gas so that my mom can take us to school or doctor's appointments. So if we ran out of food stamps then we didn't have food for the rest of the month and we had to rely on the food boxes that the church handed out every sunday, which wasn't always much. Sometimes it was just cereal and powdered milk, and other times it would be both of those and some other good things, like canned foods or granola bars. Me and my brother were the only ones living with my mom at this point in life. My sister had moved out and into my dad's house because she couldn't handle the abuse anymore, and my oldest brother was god only knows where living his life how he wanted to. We got scattered like bugs. And we all missed each other but were too afraid to say it.

The thing about the Aguilar’s is, we have high pride. We never let anything stand in the way of family, no matter how bad it may be. We were beaten on, neglected and unloved at points in our life by those who were supposed to love us the most. But no matter how battered we were, we stayed a family. We all always came back to being one. And i think that's what our problem was. We let each other do whatever they wanted and just stood by them. That's what landed my brother in prison doing a long sentence and the off and on stints he did in jail as he got older. My other brother leaving us and never speaking to us again. And my older sister. I can't really tell you anything wrong with her. She's been perfect my whole life. She has her depression but it's genetic in our family. Her case just wasn't severe enough to put her on medications like mine and my moms i guess. She was just always strong. She knew how to handle anything that was thrown at her with a good attitude.

They say that growing up your hero is someone in a movie, or someone who fought cancer or something like that, but not always. A hero can just be someone who saved your life, and not just from dying, not that drastic but just someone who came in and cared for you when no one else did. And that's why my hero is my sister. She funny, like she just cracks the dumbest jokes sometimes and they're just so strange you have to laugh because you find that proud and amused look on her face when she says it. Shes loving, she will come to the rescue if you need her. Always. She's caring, she always goes all out the best she can to compensate for my dad not being around much. Shes smart, like she could be a great teacher. I don't know what i'd do without her. One night she seen a video of this girl who got into a car crash while she was drunk and her younger sister was in the passenger seat and they were recording the whole time, and the older sister had no care in the world that she had just killed her sister. So my sister texted me out of the blue to tell me she loved me. And that had gotten me worried cause i was curious what was wrong, like why’d she text me that this late? So i called her and we talked on the phone for a while. And it made me realize that my sister really is my hero, not just because she said she loved me, but because something like that made her so upset thinking about losing me. Because she's been my mother for as long as i can remember. I love my sister. And she is my hero. There are things and people in life that will make you question everything you have ever belived in. i had my moment the first time i had sex. He had me question everything about my self and my life. He made me question my body. I had another moment when i ran away from home. I did it in a instant but the whole time i was gone, i questioned everything about myself and my life and i didn't like what i was figuring out. I was alone, and i was always going to be alone if i stayed with the people i was with. I never couldve been happy, i'd always be running. And running. And hiding. And alone. These events made me question everything about my self and maybe my change didn't happen right away, but lord did it change me. I became less gulible, less fragile, less frantic when bad things started going on around me. You start to realize that not everything is good to question but somethings are great to question.

People say you should never judge a book by its cover. But where i come you have to look at the person before deciding if you approach them. You have to see what tattoos they have, what gang they're in, and what they're holding (weapon wise). Everyone was always holding something. A gun, a knife, a pocket knife, and believe it or not, a machete. You had to always be prepared for anything. Where i come from, this is a place where you have to fight every day to make it through the day. If you wanted to finish high school you had to fight every week to get people to leave you alone. If you ran your mouth but never did anything, they'd catch you on the streets and you'd be gone. Life isn't always “lets go out for coffee”. You'd have to see what buses run in the area, what time they get there, then you'd have to go downtown to switch buses and figure out what bus you take from there to get to where you need to go, and again, what time it gets there. And the same coming back. Unless it was close enough to walk then you had to catch the bus or ask people for a ride, either way you had to scrounge up money you don't have for that bus fare, or gas. Everyone always wants something, no one ever did anything for us out of the kindness of their hearts. Life isn't easy. But i guess in virginia it is.

The world has always been the same, poor people get left behind and rich people rise above and get higher every day. If you didn't have riches, you didn't have anything. When we were homeless and had no place to go because everyone was on drugs and weird or just didn't want to take us in, my dad and all his money came to the rescue, because it was he either put us in a hotel or he had to take me and my sister home with him. And he didn't want us there as much as i didn't want to be there. Weve lived in homes with no electricity, no air in the summer and no heat in the winter. I remember this one hot and muggy night my mom put a net over our porch and then put our bed on the porch and hooked this portable tv up and we just stayed out there because it was so hot in the house and we had no electricity to have any air so we just stayed outside. We had no water at one point also for a long period of time, so we’d go down to the church and fill up big barrells of water that we had to wheel all the way down the road, back and forth to take baths or we’d have to go to my moms aquantences house down the street. They had the sweetest dogs.

There’s a moment in life when you realize that nothings fair anymore, and nothing makes any sense. You have to learn things quickly, things you never wouldve imagined having to know before. I had this realization when i was nine. And my dad kicked me out of his house because i told his wife she wasnt allowed to hit me. He told me he was tired of my shit and to pack all my stuff and get out. That's when i realized that nothing was fair anymore, and it didn't make sense why he kept choosing her over me. It never made sense why he stopped coming around and calling because she told him not to. Nothing ever made sense to me anymore when it came to why my dad didn't love me anymore. I never understood why he dropped me off that night and didn't come back till two years later,then came back for two weeks to tell me he had cancer and then left me again for two-three more years. And now comes and goes as he pleases. I’ll never understand why people have kids just to not love or care about them.

There’s an innocence to not knowing everything. You can still be a child, you can still be free. Because once youve seen or done or even heard things, your innocence is quickly ripped away. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing remains the same. Life turns it self upside down and the world stops turning. Life changes in the blink of an eye. One minute youre five and the next, youre seventeen and working while going to school. You become an adult so quickly in life and you don't even realize it until the growing is already done and over with. Some people can bring some great innocence into the world, have children, raise them right and set them free so they can make a change in the world. And some people bring in a common innocence. One that will be sweet for a while, then turn into the creatures their parents are and raised them to be. Don't get me wrong, im not saying everyone is like that, you can have some horrible parents but be the best person out there. It all depends on how you choose to live your life as you get older and start to realize the truths of the world. Not all people are meant to be who they try to be.

They say with age comes wisdom, and i have to stand by that. As you get older you start to learn new things and you start to have experiences that teach you the value of life. They teach you that life is something that's meant to be cherished. Because in the blink of an eye your life can be taken away. There was this boy i knew, Marcus, he was just turning 18 and he died in a horrible car accident. He was being chased down by some gang bangers and he was going too fast and swerved and caught a tree.. And i wont get into the rest of the details, but it was so sudden. And no one expected it. Especually from him. He was kind and friendly, to all the gangs. He had no rep and he had no problems except petty teen boy drama. He was still trying to find a girl that was right for him, he was still learning things in life, and he still had so much time and life left in him. And just like that it was all taken away. Did he know everything there was to know in life? I don't know. No one does. But i'd like to think that he knew everything, seen everything and heard everything there was out there, and that is why he was taken from this world soo soon. The point is, cherish what and who you have because before you know it, you wont have it anymore.

Does one person deserve something more than the other person if theyve lived life then same way you did but had a better attitude about it all? Like a scholorship or a grant to college, or an extension on rent, or maybe even a free meal. I feel like its not about what you go through, but how you handle the situation. For example i wish i was as strong as my sister and that i didn't need medications to deal with my anxiety and depression from the things i have gone through in life. But its just how i handle my life. Do i want to be better? Do i want these pills that make my brain work normal? Do i want to feel that slight craziness when i take my pill every morning? Yes i want to be better, doesnt every one? No i don't want these pills, but i take them because i don't have the natural brain reaction to bad situations. And no i don't like this crazy feeling i get every morning when i take a pill that will sabilize my depression. And i hate getting that worried feeling when i realized that i forgot to take my pill that day.

I remember when i first went on my medication. I remember why too.. It was probably one of the worst months of my life. Within the month of Febuary i was cheated on, got kicked out of school and got charges pressed against me for doing something i'd never do in my life, got an infection which i had to take multiple medications for and had an allergic reaction to them and couldve died. When i had my reaction i was standing at the counter in the bathroom putting my make up on getting ready to go eat with my mom and sister and i started to get light headed and dizzy. So i stopped what i was doing and sat on the floor for a second, and my mom and sister are telling me to hurry up cause they wanted to go eat and i figured i was just hungry and i hadnt eaten yet so i got back up to finish getting ready and suddenly my vision starts to go black.. And i get scared and want to yell but my whole body just freezes up.. And i fall.. I don't remember hitting the floor but i remember hearing my sisters scared voice yell for my mom, i couldnt breath and my whole body was going numb. I couldnt feel my legs or my face or hands. I guess when i fell i had hit my back on the side of the door frame which caused me to fall weirdly and my mom was scared to move me so i stayed laying in that postion until the ambulance came to get me. It took them a while considering i live so far out of town but they got there and lifted me up, and it was the most excrutiating pain i have ever felt in my whole life. I went from being numb, to feeling every bone and nerve in my body in just seconds. Anyways, after that month, i started to go in a spiral, having to stay in bed or on the couch because of my back, i was kicked out of school and i couldnt work, it made me sink into a hole. One that i really thought i'd never get out of. I wasnt eating which made me lose weight, i stopped talking as much and i wasnt going places. I felt like i was sinking more and more everyday. And it was hard to breath.

Trust is a five letter word that can have such a huge affect and has so much meaning behind it. If you don't trust someone then you don't have much left. They say if you love someone but don't trust them then it wont work out, and that's true because it doesnt matter how much you love someone, if you think they're doing something behind your back or lying to you then youre constantly gonna be in question of them and its unhealthy to always feel like you have to go with them everywhere or check their phone everynight. I guess you could work on getting the trust back, but how do you do that? It takes a long time to get someone to trust you, but it only takes a second to make someone not trust you anymore.

There was this teacher. I wont say her name. But she ruined my life. She made one accusation and it turned me upside down. She made my life her play ground. She got me kicked out of school where i wasnt allowed to go to my boyfriends games, my prom or homecoming dances. I made a mistake of letting someone really get to know me, get me to open up, and they screwed me over. And it caused a huge friction between me and another girl i went to school with. We let it get to the best of us and the other girl and i got to arguing, NOT FIGHTING, just arguing. And this teacher took advantage of this situatuion and stepped in. She said that i assaulted her and hurt her badly enough where she needed time off of work but couldnt go without a paycheck. She then pressed charges against me for assault and battery. After months of going to court and them reschedualing, we finally got what she wanted on the table. I had to do time in a holding cell, wasnt much just a few hours, but it was hell.. I had to do community service, and apolopgize to her in front of the whole court for something i didn't do. This woman was horrible. Every chance she got to mess with me she took it. When i went to the high school for my SOL she made every attempt at getting me to see her and react. My axiety from this woman ruining my life kept me quiet until i broke down and became a mess again. Then at court she smiled the whole time because she knew what she was doing. She knew she was ruining my life. And she had fun doing it.

Life is a complicated process. You should have a focus, a thrive, a vision. There’s irritations and complications but theres also laughs and smiles. Your outcome is how you handle things, not the things you have to handle.

-”anonymus”

0 notes