hellomagnolia

[hellomagnolia]

....and I don't think you would forgive me for that....

[hellomagnolia]

Life will always be Shit.

I have so many things to say. But no words for those things just yet. Completely speechless. It makes me feel powerless in a way. It makes me feel Like I’m too fucked up in the head to even comprehend my own thoughts and form them into words that people and myself can understand without me looking like a suicidal creep. I even feel weird in my own skin. Like imagine how everyone else feels. I honestly just want to die. I serve no purpose any more. Like I hurt people and myself and I’m just so sad. No one see’s how sad I am. No one cares enough to actually truly see just how sad I really truly am. I stay alive everyday but for what? Everyday is a fucking hell in my head and I just can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to take it anymore. It’s getting to be too much for me now. I want out. I can’t do anything or say anything right. I can’t help anyone. Shit I can’t even help myself at this point. I’ve done all i could for everyone including myself. I’ve done all I could and now I can’t do anymore. I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. No one see’s how tired I am. It’s a constant battle in my brain everyday. Trying to trust everyone and get close. I just can’t. I’m afraid. I can’t handle this. Any of it. I have felt this way for most of my life and I’m so sick of feeling this way. I make everything so fucking complicated and confusing and...and...you made me feel like I was crazy. But I’m not. Just a lonely girl with way too many bruises from people like you. Who invade hearts and take and take and take until you have nothing left to  give. Make me out to be the criminal when I’m in fact the victim of this entire ordeal. It’s fucking pathetic. I cannot handle it. I just can”t.

[hellomagnolia]

Fuck it.

Everything is so....hard lately. I can’t even sleep without you invading my fucking head. I can’t even sleep anymore. I toss and turn because of you. Our situation is complicated. But you don’t seem to really care and I’m literally just wasting my air from lungs trying to scream my point across but all I can manage is a whisper....a fucking whisper. I have every right to feel how I feel this time. But I’m so sick of harping in it. I’m so sick of talking about it. I’m so sick of feeling about it. I’m so sick of you and this situation and the love I have for you. I’m sick of it. It’s not even beautiful anymore. Not even pretty. It’s ugly and it hurts. It’s full of secrets. And lies. Ugh. Fuck it.

[hellomagnolia]

Ugh.

I hate how much I miss you right now.

[hellomagnolia]

[hellomagnolia]

[hellomagnolia]

[hellomagnolia]

[hellomagnolia]

For the Best I guess.

You want nothing to do with me and that’s okay. I realized today that I will be okay with or without you. Break ups suck but this week will be better than last week. Yeah I cried when you left my house this morning to pick up our niece and said nothing to me. Yeah I reacted like a maniac screaming and throwing things. But then I realized how completely stupid I looked falling apart over someone who never really cared about me. You say I made you feel bad about yourself but I will never understood how. I don’t want to understand anymore. I don’t want to cry over you anymore. I’ve been doing that for months. I don’t want to worry about you anymore. I don’t want to have to fight for your attention anymore. I want to focus on me and my goals. I would say happiness but I’m not really focused on being happy right now. It is what it is to be completely honest. This break up was for the best. I just can’t help but feel like I fuck everything up though. This isn’t the only thing I’ve fucked up. I’ve fucked up my relationship with my parents, my family, my best friend, and now you. I am the problem. Literally. I’ve never been more depressed in my life to be completely honest. But I can’t keep letting people see me like this. Can’t keep letting you bring me out of my character. Yes I love you. I will always love you. But maybe right now just isn’t the right time. Maybe this is for the best. Maybe....

[hellomagnolia]

I miss you a little extra today.

Today was an okay day. I had lots of people over to distract me from thinking about you and how much I miss you. I have survived the first week of this break up. I don’t know how I’ll make it through the next week. I miss you so much everyday and it hurts. I just want to hear your voice again. Something. I want to see you again and hug you and touch your hair and kiss your lips. Instead I’m left with memories and a broken heart. Oh well....

[hellomagnolia]

[hellomagnolia]

It's hard to have the part of yourself that you know nothing about and dealing with it is another game. This part is always alive no matter what you do. You could be laughing out loud and there is this part that sits in the corner of your body aching like never before. You could be crying in the corner of your room and this part will slide into your brain and mock you about how weak you are. It's there in the darkness and its there in the light. its there when you talk and it's there when you move. There is always a constant reminder of its presence. Sometimes it feels like a blessing the way it makes you shut every single being around you. Somewhere deep down you know it's a curse and you have to fight it but after living with it for years you know can't fight with yourself. You can't use a weapon on yourself and then a complaint about the bleeding. You can't look in the mirror and not see the scars on your face. You can't build cities in your head and then complain about the noises you hear. You can't fall in love with the shadows and then complain about how dark and inconsistent they are. You can't.....you just can't try to kill yourself each and every night and complaint about the death visiting you again and again. You just can't.

mirrorworld12 (unedited)

The part I don't wanna name

[hellomagnolia]

[hellomagnolia]

What the inside of my mind looks like most days...

[hellomagnolia]

I hate everything

[hellomagnolia]

I am the Problem.

Today was a little easier. I actually went out in town today and tried with all of my strength to have a good day and keep my mind distracted.  But I can’t help but think about you now. And like I’ve tried to think about something else anything else. You have invaded my thoughts, my dreams, my brain, my soul. I don’t what you’re going through currently and it kills me. I never thought in a million years I would be this tore up. I miss your touch, your kiss, your everything. I want to keep trying but I know I can’t. It wouldn’t make a difference. You still wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Is that what love is? I thought you said you loved me. This can’t be what love is. I have all of these questions and I’m just completely shattered to be completely honest. I could find you if I wanted to. I could contact you if I wanted to. But like I said before there’s no use. So i just sit here or wherever and I’m sad and just lonely. This just isn’t fair. I wish i could believe you when you tell me you didn’t. But i feel like our entire relationship you were lying to me. I truly felt like something was going on. I was so good to you. But you never wanted to speak to me, you never wanted to see me, I never heard from you. You made me feel like I wasn’t worth your time unless you actually wanted to see me. Those kisses though. Made me weak every where. You knew exactly how to get me where you wanted me. I feel stupid and embarrassed which is why I’m upset about it.  I’m so upset about it that it makes me sick to my stomach everyday. But oh well. I guess I better go socialize before that becomes a problem too. I’m the problem. Always.

[hellomagnolia]

Opportunity I guess.

It’s been an interesting day to say the least. But you haven’t been far from my mind. I still miss you. I don’t get it. I could completely forget about you. Forget about our memories and all of the time we spent together. Forget everything about you and forget about there ever being an us. I broke up with you. I have that power. But it still haunts me that you will never come back. That you will never love me again. It hurts me. That you forgot about me that quick. That you shut me completely out of your life that quickly with no second thoughts. I love you and I know I left you....but it feels like I’m the one who got left behind. You left me long before I left you. I’d still take you back in a heartbeat though. That’s my secret. I will take you back any time, any day, because well...I don’t know. I don’t have the answers for everything. I’d just love to be somewhere else completely during this present moment. Maybe a beautiful forest or beach or something. Somewhere with beautiful trees. Somewhere that doesn’t remind me of you. Every where reminds me of you. My house, my bed, my parking lot, my job, the gas station, the drive to work, the drive to....anywhere. I can’t sleep, eat, shower even without thinking about you and reliving that heart ache every moment a million times a day. At work, at home, on the highway. It doesn’t matter. No mercy. Not for me. I have all of these memories between us flood my brain like a tidal wave every night. I can’t sleep unless I’m watching tv just because it keeps my mind busy. Because if I let myself think about you for more then 10 mins at a time I’ll want to die and...for once I actually don’t want to. Yeah this situation is pretty fucking shitty to say the least. But with heartache comes opportunity. I’ve noticed all of the things about myself that I need to change and I’ve noticed things about myself i love more than others. You made me spend so much time alone when we were “together” and now it feels just like normal to be single again. I feel comfortable again. Not as dazed and confused. But i’m still in love. Please....don’t ever forget that. I’m still heartbroken. I’m tired. I’m bitter and maybe even a little angry. But please don’t ever forget I’m still in love with you.