hellopaulac - Tumblr blog

[hellopaulac]

one thing i hate about depression is people automatically expect you to be okay after mistreating you, telling you “you’re supposed to get used to this.” they tell you to get over it, like being depressed comes with a switch that you can just turn on and off anytime you feel like it. i wish it does. i wish i could just turn it off every time i think about killing myself. 

no one ever takes depression seriously, unless you’re dead. when you die, the people who ignored you, the ones who mock you will suddenly love you. why is that? 

[hellopaulac]

it sucks to be diagnosed with depression but they cant give you anti depressants bec they’re scared you might use it to OD. i badly need one, i just want to be okay...

[hellopaulac]

hello, i’m sad...again

[hellopaulac]

Bottled up

people always say that you should always talk about how you feel, so that one day when you feel like you’re at your peak, you wouldnt find yourself crying over things you never meant to say, or you wouldnt find yourself in a situation you would later regret just because you’ve had enough. this is my peak. i’ve been isolating myself from my friends for a while, i never really told anyone what’s been going on in my head, about how i want to kill myself just so the people around me could breathe, so that they could move on with their lives without worrying about me anymore. i just want to die. i cant live like this anymore, i cant go on and hope that its going to get better because i know deep inside it wont. i know that if I stay here longer they’ll get tired of my shit and leave. i dont want to be alive when that happens. im better off dead.

[hellopaulac]

She was sitting on the ledge of the window, staring out into the night sky. She couldn’t see the stars clearly, maybe it was because of the glowing city lights, or maybe it was that she was just so lost in her mind that the outer world didn’t seem important enough. She was thinking about him, I think it has always been him, through all the trouble, they’ve always had that an everlasting love, a connection, magic. Their talks made stars glow a little brighter. When they were together in silence, words seemed to fade away but stay just long enough to gaze at how skillfully they sew silence into beauty without getting prickled by the needle. He is coming back soon and patience is all she needs but it’s so hard when she’s got so much to say bottled up inside. -Distance Hurts

[hellopaulac]

One moment of falling for you became infinite moments of my rebirth and admiring you from afar. Just noticing you from a distance made me value the little moments of existence that I was given. I cherished time and I cherished you in my time. More than the physical space that your body occupied, your presence and your energy could put back the dainty fallen petals of flower together. But you are more than a passionate flower and fiercer than any rose. You are so many elements in yourself. You are charged like neon. You are like the stars, the sun, the water, the mountains and the fire all at the same time. Your beauty is boundless. It stretched and tugged at the deepest core of my heart. If we were two forbidden lovers, then you would bleed temptation and I would bleed desire. But for now, I’ve been the privilege to admire your beauty from afar, through gazes and brief stares. And I’m thankful, because you tug at the passion in me and write poetry, make me appreciate life. -The in-between thoughts

[hellopaulac]

On the days I am choked with your memory, the good times return to me so fleetingly, I allow myself to feel your presence around me again. I allow myself to breathe in the memory before exhaling as fast as I possibly can. Thinking of you is a slippery slope. I have wiled days away in your memory before, days when I should have been working, productive, doing anything but remembering you.

I wonder sometimes if there is a way you can find to block out someone entirely from your memory. Other days I try and find reasons to hate you and fail. A part of me has begun to believe that I may never get over this, the greatest loss I have endured emotionally . And no matter how many self help books I have read, how many stories I find about losing people, I have not found a way to let go of you.

So instead, I allow myself to feel your memory, who you are, as deeply as I possibly can. Thinking that eventually the feelings will wear away, will find their way away from me. Maybe one day, I can teach the aching wold that insists you are my only mate that I am not a wolf at all. I am human, and human can have many mates. That I was wrong thinking you were the only one. There are pieces of us strewn in everything that I do. And sometimes I think the pain will never end.

But here is what I believe about losing the great love of your life. I believe people, for no reason sometimes, can become toxic for each other. I believe that love sometimes can be a terrible thing that does not allow you to grow. I believe that love sometimes hides the truth about the person you love. And I genuinely believe that self love is the most powerful love of them all. And although I am suffering now. Although I am in pain, and I miss you terribly. I know that ending the forever story that was us was the right decision to make.

Leaving you has made me love myself more. Has taught me how to care for myself in ways I never imagined/ This is me, saying I will always miss you. This is also me saying, I never want you back.

-Nikita Gill

[hellopaulac]

For the first short time we’ve known each other. you’ve become such an important person in my life. I value you more than you could ever imagine and I cannot express how sorry I am. I never meant for this to happen and if I could change the situation, I would do it in a heartbeat. I never ever wanted to hurt you and it brings me much pain to know that I have. When we first met, I felt a spark between us but I backed away believing you were already with someone else. I should’ve asked you, but you looked happy with him and I didn’t want to ruing anything. I tried setting my feelings inside and pretended they were nonexistent so that we could continue to be friends. I wanted to be with you and if it could only be as friends, then i had to go with it. As long as you were in my life, our relationship mattered a little to me. I know things will never go back to the way they once were but a person can hope, right? I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I didn’t try to repair our friendship so here I am. Sorry won’t ever be enough to fix anything no matter how many times I say it, but I’m afraid I don’t know what else to do. This is hurting me just as much as it is hurting you and I hate it. Please talk to me, I don’t care how much pain I have to endure as long as I can hear from you again. I would wake the entire earth for you, I would do anything for you to stay with me. -S.T.

[hellopaulac]

when you find your forever person, you feel like a priority. You  feel like a first choice. You feel like you’re getting as much as you’re giving. When you find your forever person, you feel relieved, because you realize that this is it. You no longer have to go out on dates, make small talk with strangers.You’re done with the dating games. You can finally settle down. You can finally breathe.

When you find your forever person, you stress less. No matter how rough your work day was, no matter how big of a fight you got into with your parents, you know that you get to come home to a safe place. A loving place. A place where your person will hold you in their arms and make you feel okay again.

When you find your forever person, you strive to be better. Not because you’re worried that they’ll leave you. Not because you feel pressured to do those things. Because you honestly believe they deserve the best -- and you want to give it to them.

When you find your forever person, you become more of a romantic than you ever thought you were. You want to cuddle. You want to celebrate anniversaries. You want to show your person you love them every chance that you get, because you can never say those three little words enough. When you find your forever person, you feel a sense of comfort. You no longer have to put on a mask and pretend to be perfect. You can be your authentic self. You can  let your person see the darkest parts of you without worrying about being abandoned. 

When you find your forever person, you stop looking around. You enjoy the moment,enjoy where you are, enjoy the person you’re with, without thinking about what you’re missing, in your mind, you aren’t missing anything. Everything feels right. When you find your forever person, you feel like you’re where you were always meant to end up. -Hollyyrio

[hellopaulac]

time management turns into pressure lol thanks maam gina (;

[hellopaulac]

r u ok? lol

[hellopaulac]

I drank for only one reason: to get drunk

[hellopaulac]

Funny how i never said your name when i was drunk

[hellopaulac]

What do you want from me?

Do you want to feel good about yourself again? Do you need someone to strike your ego? Are you back because you need ME? Or are you here because you’re lonely and I’m the only one who’d still want you? The only one who’d welcome you with open arms and never think about the pain that comes with it Because as selfless and openhanded i am as a person I still have some self pity and love left in me You took so much from me And I hope you’re here to give it back I know you’re filled with remorse and shame But I can’t let you bring me down again I don’t need to let you into my heart just to lose you again I can’t, it hurts You left me in the cold for days And you have no idea what that did to me The trauma, the damage, the wounds you left open but had eventually healed, thank God The wounds turned into scars that’re going to stay with me forever. a reminder for me to stay away from people like you And a reminder of how much you failed me when all I ever wanted was for you to understand I believed in you And you let me down enough times for me to say that you’ve already crossed the line

I love you

But there’s only so much I could take before I say I’m done

I’m sorry

[hellopaulac]

Hey Russ, Last night was fun haha i didn’t expect everything would turn out fine between us, im glad it happened, im glad you opened up to me and im glad we’re not as awkward as we were before anymore. Looking forward to spending more crazy late night shenanigans with you, alex and your friends. And more movie(?) Marathons HAHAHA #ifyouknowwhatimean ((;

[hellopaulac]

break ups are always hard because you have to mourn someone you loved and lost. But, time heals everything, and eventually, you’ll meet someone else. Eventually, that former lover will become a distant memory. But, this kind of break up is not the same. This break up happened with a person who, no matter what you do, you cannot get over. Not a day goes by that this person doesn’t cross your mind and your heart feels heavy. It’s usually because the relationship is unfinished. But, you can’t tell yourself that, and you certainly can’t believe it because it will literally drive you mad. So instead, you tell yourself you are fine, and that you can move on. You get pretty close to fooling yourself. That is, until you hear that song, see that photo, yearn to share something or wake up thinking about him or her. Then you are right back to square one. There are so many people who come in and out of your life. Some you date briefly and never give a second thought to, and some you like a lot, but it doesn’t work out. Then there are some who crush you, who take months to get over. But this is different; this is the feeling you get when you know something has to end right now but isn’t over for good. You can’t just say, “I wish you the best” and move on. You can’t end that chapter because you know you can’t quit them. Not yet, and maybe not ever. And then, you are thrust into what I like to call “Love purgatory.” It’s a place where you know who the love of your life is, but you aren’t currently together. Maybe you dated briefly, maybe you had a full-fledged relationship or maybe, you have never been officially together. The connection with this person is so real and strong and magnetic that you are constantly pulled back. The relationship hasn’t reached it’s potential yet, so it can’t be over. In fact, this might be the person you end up with. But, you aren’t together now because of timing, schedules, missed opportunities or blah, blah, blah. So, you sit in love purgatory, just biding your time until you can both find each other again. You don’t just wait around and listen to sad music and wait though. You find distractions and push away what you feel in order to be a sane enough human being to function life. You meet other amazing, beautiful people with whom you want to work things out, but it never happens because something is off. He just isn’t Russell. “She’s not Rachel,” is the famous line from FRIENDS. Although, it actually went more like, “She’s not Rachem,” for laughs. And, that is what this person, who has kept you in love purgatory, makes you feel; no one can ever compare. Because when you know, you know. That connection comes around once, maybe twice, in a lifetime. Your friends think you’re crazy, and you yourself feel crazy. Why, in a world full of billions of other people, are you allowing one to keep holding you back. You can’t answer that question. Some people meet someone, date, fall in love and live happily ever after. Many others are not quite so fortunate. Some of us have to fight, break up, make up and go through hell with out person until it finally works out. Maybe the problem is, again, timing. Maybe you have to learn and grow more before you can settle down. whatever the problem is, you know that eventually, the two of you will find each other again. Because like Ross and Rachel, Carrie and Mr. Big, Allie and Noah and all great love stories from movies and television, there are just some people who you can’t let go of and never will. But, until you find your way back, you miserably sit in love purgatory, hoping to find someone or something to keep you occupied long enough to not self-destruct. Some people will be outraged about this and think, “This is not how love is supposed to be,” or, “ if you were mature about love it wouldn’t be so hard.” But I beg to disagree, and would counter with, “How did you know?”  Just because things were easy for you doesn’t mean they will be easier for everyone else. People are very complicated and love is sometimes messy. If It’s not that way for you, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It just means your path was easier. For those of us currently in love purgatory , we will one day with our person, too. Maybe Someday.

[hellopaulac]

Bulimia isn’t a long haired pretty girl bending over a toilet with a tragically beautiful face on. It’s a puffed miserable face with vomit dripping from its chin and a fucking nose bleed. Anorexia isn’t a slim figure shyly refusing a cupcake. It’s hair growing over your freezing malnourished body. Depression isn’t a model with running mascara staring at the fucking ceiling at 4 in the morning with burning eyes because you can’t even find the motivation to close them. Self harm isn’t lovely boys kissing your arms telling you you’re still beautiful. It’s nasty fucking scars that will be there forever and showers that sting. Panic attacks aren’t burying your face into your lovers chest and them telling you everything will be okay. It’s feeling out of control and like oxygen has been taken from you. Mental illnesses aren’t beautiful. they don’t make you special and don’t make people suddenly care about you. They’re monsters that destroy lives. So stop taking them lightly and promoting them to impressionable teenagers on the damn internet.