hellyenae

[hellyenae]

99% of repressors give up right before they successfully don't feel anything. Don't stop shoving it down. You can get through this unscathed

[hellyenae]

i know in my heart of hearts that helly would love to play with bugs if she ever saw them. i know she'd pick up a cicada. she'd let a beetle crawl on her hand. she'd think it was the coolest shit on earth without a doubt

[hellyenae]

❛ well, yeah. no doubt. ❜ helly cocks her head to the side, a listless little laugh escaping her. she'd tried everything she could before eventually resigning herself to this job; all she existed for was to sit in this office, apparently. her own outie had told her as much, years ago, when she delegated helly to being less than a person.

orienting mark to such a life is... strange, conversely. she envies that curiosity he openly has; helly had done plenty of things to rebel before eventually accepting, despite her spitfire nature, that she didn't have much of a choice in things. ❛ the thing is that they really, really don't want us finding anything out. believe me, i've tried, and it... it fucking sucks, learning that the hard way. ❜

that is to say, learning nothing. even so, she kicks one leg over the other, folded in a haphazard manner and leans back in her chair to eye mark. ❛ ... but i like your way of thinking. what exactly are you wondering about? ❜ she keeps her voice lowered, a part of her paranoid about what could happen if she's overheard by any of the higher-ups. ❛ if it's not in any of their shitty handbooks, maybe i can help you figure things out. ❜

　𝐈𝐓'𝐒 𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐀 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐇, isn’t it? Waking up into a world that insists you were never alive before it. No memory, no anchor to tether you to the self they insist exists elsewhere. You open your eyes to white walls and humming lights, and they tell you politely, insistently that this is it. That this box is your beginning and your end. That your purpose is here, at this desk, chasing numbers across a screen like they mean something more than their shape.

Mark finds it difficult to breathe sometimes. Not because there’s no air, but because the air here doesn't belong to the outside world. It belongs to them. It tastes like control both stale and measured. The others, they’ve been here longer. Their smiles are thinner, their hope ground down to dust. You can see it in their eyes: that hollow, frightened kind of knowing. They've tried things. All of them. And all of it failed.

But that doesn't stop the thing growing in him. The unrest. The terrible ache that hums beneath the surface of every calm nod and every chirpy morning greeting.

❝ There has to be something they’re not telling us. ❞ Why else would they demand such a violent cut between flesh and mind? He doesn’t know. But he intends to. ╱ @hellyenae

[hellyenae]

❛ ... really? you didn't have a choice? ❜ helly's voice softened more than she anticipated it to, lowered to a quiet note. her gaze lingered on helena, brows knit in concern and a clear expression of perturbation. knowing that helena was just as burdened as helly was by a lack of choice, equally as deprived of free will — it put things into perspective in an all new way. helly never thought she'd feel bad for helena, but here she was... she understood her. perhaps there really was something to being the same person as her, even if in a roundabout way.

❛ jesus. those people really are monsters. ❜ her and helena's own family, the man who'd essentially created her — they sickened helly. she took a deep breath, shaking her head slowly. a part of her wished, in that moment, that she had better skills in the department of comforting. instead, her reassurance came in the form of trying to find common ground — in a way, it was a rage that might be mutually beneficial. if helena had been, in some way, discouraged from showing her displeasure, then helly would make up for it with her own flippance.

❛ it was for him, wasn't it? ❜ the implication was left there, without saying jame's name. ❛ family isn't supposed to treat each other like that. that's not love. ❜

helly had more she could say, but she held off. ❛ hey, do you wanna get out of here? maybe go some place we can talk? like, really talk? i know i'm supposed to live here, but this place is too fucking creepy to linger around. ❜

helena's eyes cast down at her heeled toes. unable to keep eye contact with the mirror image of herself. of course, she never hated helly. she wanted, her entire life, for the things helly had been given freely on the severed floor. helly had an entire family on the severed floor who loved her without stipulations and conditions.

a deep sigh escaped her pink painted lips, the procedure had been sprung on her by the board less than twenty-four hours before it took place. a gracious amount of time, according to mr. drummond and natalie, both of whom were over the moon about the whole thing. she wasn't allowed to say no. father wouldn't have allowed for it, nor the board. lumon needed an eagan to undergo the procedure to show the public just how safe severance was. she was to be a publicity stunt that came with the price of half of herself.

memories from the gala flooded her mind. one moment, drinking champagne with natalie preparing for her rehearsed speech. the next she was on the stage floor, with everyone in the room staring at her.

❛ that was natalie's idea ... 'freaking awesome' something about connecting with the youth. ❜ the words are mumbled, something helena doesn't find herself doing often. her gaze lifted, meeting helly's eyes.

❛ i was given as much a choice as you were. ❜

[hellyenae]

the flame within helly was calmed slightly by the admittance — she'd been fully ready to duke it out with her outie if helena took the bate. instead, the response given felt more like a peace offering. ( or an admittance of defeat...? helly wouldn't have expected her to feel so downtroddenn. )

helly's own shoulders relaxed, a pensive look on her face. ❛ you... you don't? ❜ she didn't intend for her own voice to come out so soft amidst the surprise, but helena really threw a curveball at her. it was confusing — & it had helly questioning everything. ❛ i'm surprised. i don't know, i figured you would have. it's kinda hard to start shit with you if you're ashamed of it. ❜

a saddened, ironic type of smile finds its way to helly's face — an expression she might've learned through muscle memory of the woman she was created from.

❛ it would've been nice if things started off better, that's for sure. i mean... did you even want to get severed in the first place, helena? was it really as 'freaking awesome' as you said it was for that... party thing? ❜ the gala in which the overtime contingency happened; helly kept thinking about it, even now.

helena's jaw tightened at helly's insistence. her eyes carefully scanning the room, she was raised knowing there was nothing she could do that her father wouldn't somehow know about. she wouldn't be surprised if there were cameras watching her every move, even in the place she was forced to call home.

a quiet sigh escaped her, eyes focusing on helly, her shoulders still tightly wound. she knew for this predicament to work, she needed helly to trust her and she would need to trust helly. an olive branch from their previous interactions -

❛ i don't hate you ❜ it came out smaller than intended, but it was honest, perhaps the most honest helena had ever been about her other self. having seen how free helly had been, even in the confines of the severed floor ... helena hated that she would never experience what helly could, what she had.

a soft pause filled the space between them, her voice quiet but assured. ❛ i've said and done things that i am ashamed of, but i don't hate you. ❜ i never have. if anything helena only hated herself for becoming a shell of what, helly has shown her, she could have been.

[hellyenae]

❛ ... really? ❜ there was doubt clearly audible in helly's response, incredulity that matched her stubborn expression. her knee-jerk reaction was to take helena's answer as malice, given the tumultuous dynamic the two had shared for so long. something within her, however, hesitated. if she really was the same person as helena, born from her as a version free of jame eagan in her upbringing, then maybe there was something to be said about how helena refused to answer. maybe something sinister was at play.

cue a shrug of her shoulder, masking underlying anxiety with nonchlanance. ❛ well, it's a good thing i'm questioning you, not him. ❜ her gaze on helena lingered, perhaps for a bit too long, before darting away. ❛ unless this place has cameras and microphones everywhere like the severed floor, i'm not gonna repeat whatever you tell me back to him. i wouldn't do that. ❜

she had no interest in becoming a replacement for helena or the next heir to kier. frankly, helly thought all of the family's beliefs were bullshit. such could happen from a woman who hadn't been raised with the eagan's ways — or raised at all, frankly. taking a deep breath, helly tries again in a lowered voice, inching closer to helena. ❛ is it really that bad that you can't tell me anything? or do you just hate me too much to talk to me? ❜

brow instinctively raised as helly had taken a seat. of course, she was already wanting information out of her. the curious creature just couldn't be satisfied no matter the circumstances it seemed. though, helena was certain that she wouldn't have the answer to whatever question she was bound to be asked, never quite let out of the dark regarding anything of importance.

helena had to fight to keep her face composed as the words left helly's lips. part of her wished she could so freely speak about her father in such a way. her ( their? ) father was a powerful man whom no one in their right mind would question.

truth be told, helena had found herself thinking similarly, unsure of why he did most of things. he had always been - particular when she was growing and still. but helena would not dare question him or his decisions aloud, in fear of what she would face in return.

 ❛ father is a very particular man, and it might do you good to not question him. ❜ surely if their conversation would to be overheard, any other response would result in a compunction session and helena wasn't yet ready to take that risk. though helly wouldn't need to worry about punishments, not when her pure defiance was what had convinced jame that she should be split from helena permanantly.

[hellyenae]

sorry for the delay here! ive been thinking about hellyna a Lot but life has been busy (travel, irl socializing, work/owed projects) and i am a bit too tired to write much. i will be responding to the things i owe soon, and if you want to chat ooc anytime then feel free hit me up!! 🧡

[hellyenae]

"Helena, the Outie, is living a quite isolated life within this company and within the family, and she's quite starved for connection and humanity and community. And Helly is becoming saturated in this chosen family and community. "It made sense to me that Helena, who was raised in a high-control group, would have a fiery rebel suppressed inside of her that she maybe never had access to, or the ability to express in her entire life." — Britt Lower, Photography by Ben Stiller

[hellyenae]

the look helly returns to helena is one of incredulity. ❛ yeah, i guess. i don't know. the sky's kind of cool. ❜ her two times outside the severed floor hadn't exactly been pleasant — once in an eagan-hosted celebration where she was expected to give a speech as helena, and another time being drowned, which she'd later learn because helena had taken over her body.

...but that won't be an issue now, will it? helly takes a seat near her outie — who isn't exactly her outie anymore — and, after a quick glance around the area to confirm a certain man isn't in direct earshot, she squints at helena, whispering to her.

❛ look, i need to ask you about something. i know we haven't exactly seen eye to eye, or whatever, but, like, really. i figured you'll know the answer. ❜ with her shoulders slumped into a slouch to appear less conspicuous, helly makes a vague gesture towards where helena's father (their shared father?) had walked away after bringing helly into the house.

the coast seems clear enough, so helly looks directly at helena, bewildered. ❛ jame is so fucking weird... is he always like this? i mean, what's wrong with that guy? ❜

the entire process had been exhausting. it hadn't been enough for her father that she sever herself for a board mandated publicity stunt. that she nearly died at the hands of her innie. no. her father always wanted more from her, more than she could give.

she knew her father did not love her. that he no longer saw her as the prodigy heir to the eagan name as he once had. the fire of kier that had been beaten out of her with every decision made for her, every compunction statement. that fire he now saw in her innie — helly.

which brought lumon to it's next step in the severance process. uploading the new consciousness to it's own vessel. a clone of helena that had sat empty on the testing floor was now the daughter that would make their father proud.

eyes wide as she stared at herself— no. not her. helly. an exact replica, her own reflection, looking her up and down, taking her in.

helena bites back a scoff. her own body? nothing belonged to helena, not even her own self. instead a hum leaves her lips, her eyes sharp, mimicking the furrowed brow of the woman before her.

❛ i suppose so. ❜ a pause. ❛ i'm sure you're thrilled to be off the severed floor, just like you wanted. ❜

[hellyenae]

helly never had a home, not really. all she'd really known was MDR until, one day, jame eagan told her that she'd be coming home from the office to live with him after the successful cloning. she'd resisted at first, giving him a slew of insults that her biological father otherwise disregarded, tempting her with a chance to finally be out of that goddamn office.

& helly accepted that. what she didn't expect, however, was to see helena so soon. jame hadn't told helly much about his daughter—her outie—other than some basic and unkind mentions of her.

truthfully—and helly herself didn't expect to feel this way—she felt bad for helena. knowing that jame didn't love her didn't exactly give helly high hopes for how conditional jame's love would be. so, upon seeing @sevcredsoul, helly sets aside her usual barbs in favor of a more knee-jerk reaction of surprise.

❛ holy shit. we really are just... identical, huh? that's fucking freaky. ❜ a furrow of her brows, and helly stared her outie down, taking in her appearance. ❛ are you happy to have your own body back? ❜

[hellyenae]

Me in the middle of being tortured : I hate this song can you skip it please

[hellyenae]

— Oscar Wilde

HELENA AS HERSELF vs. HELENA AS HELLY

[hellyenae]

helly has harbored a lot of ill will towards her outie, but she's willing to set things aside for the time being. surprisingly, and despite the disconcerting circumstances, she actually doesn't mind the conversation with helena, so long as helena isn't denying her humanity.

❛ damn. sounds like the chip screwed up somehow. you might wanna see a doctor about that, or whoever it is that you go to about being severed. ❜ not that helly would know, given her purposeful lack of knowledge as an innie. though, on that note, she'll take the opportunity to be nosy...

❛ so, we're in the lumon building. you know, during the OTC, you were in here too. do you ever get to leave, or are you here all the time on purpose? ❜

“No, no, it’s not like that. Not really.” If she’s being entirely honest, Helena hasn’t thought a whole lot about the how of it before, because it’s not something she had the time or need to dwell or. (At least she didn’t need to, before Helly became a project for Lumon to take on). Severance works, that’s all she needed to know.

“The chip isn’t a container, it’s just what separates the memories - it severs the brain.” Helena explains, trying to sound as sure as she can. “You exist in your own brain - or, in our own brain - just… without any of my memories.”

She sighs. It’s weird to have explain this directly to Helly. It’s weird to be able to talk to her at all. “The chip isn’t supposed to let the two versions of us exist at the same time. I don’t… I don’t know why this is happening.”

[hellyenae]

helena's expression stiffened a bit, discomfort welling up within her at the reminder of her own harsh choice of words, spit right back at her. ❛ ... so you've heard me say that. i guess i should've figured you would have. ❜ her treatment of helly r. hadn't exactly been humane or kind; she had a complicated relationship with her innie — with herself, as a matter of fact.

she took a deep breath, gazing up at mark s. for a bit longer than one naturally should. helena always did have the tendency to be not quite enough, and now that the jig was up, there was no point in forcing herself to pretend to be helly. still, the urge to be liked as much as helly persisted in some way.

❛ i know i haven't given the best first impression, mark, but... maybe you could help me change that? ❜ an awkward, stifled pause followed between her words. ❛ i'd... like to have more reasons to see you all as people. ❜

"Right. Okay!" More breath than sound. Distictly defensive. Avoidance came as naturally to Mark as breathing. It was easier to feel offended on Helly's behalf than ponder what had happened between him and Helena at the ORTBO. To admit how true his words had been when he told her he didn't care who she was on the outside. How guilty he felt for not realizing Helly had been replaced by her outie. For not listening to Irv. For being distracted from his outie's wife. Trapped somewhere at Lumon.

Lips pressed together, wondering what she expected to hear from him. Absolution? A confession? His sharp gaze left her for a second to look behind him into the white hallway. Sterile and lifeless. As manufactured as the woman in front of him. "Why?" He asked like a defiant child. "We're not real people like you after all."

[hellyenae]

“To the best of your ability what is or was the color of your mother’s eyes?” - An Eagan Family Portrait 💧

Featuring: Helena, unnamed mother, Jame (unfortunately) and Helly (as a doll)

Closeups of raggedy Helly, baby Helena and unnamed mother

Update: I’ve been informed I can be graded on this if I include an analysis so here it is:

[hellyenae]

she’s not me

[hellyenae]

❛ i know it's probably hard to take my word on this, but i definitely did not. ❜ helly knows helena has no reason to believe her right off the bat, given the contention she's had with her outie; the concept of commandeering the OTC had already been executed by her friends. she considers helena's words, mulling over them in the way one can with a shared brain. she doesn't miss the way her outie backs away from the railing.

❛ you mentioned a chip, ❜ helly comments, having no problem with distracting her outie from whatever bullshit expectations a lumon higher-up has to deal with. the inniecan't help but be curious about the world she herself has been so deprived of.

❛ so, what? am i living inside of a little chip in our head? is that how this all works? 'cause that's pretty fucking freaky, if so... ❜

Helena snorts. Now there’s a sentiment she can agree with. She takes a step back from the railing - just in case Helly gets any chance at control, because that threat does still exist. She purses her lips, thinking.

“Something must be wrong with the chip.” she mutters, after a moment’s contemplation. This isn’t sow thing that’s supposed to happen - they’d assured her that this couldn’t happen - so she’s really not sure how to respond to it. Having mentally prepared herself for the meeting all morning, she’s not exactly mentally ready to suddenly be talking to her innie in her own head.

She hums. “You definitely didn’t do anything done on the severed floor? Didn’t try to trio the OTC again?”