help-ithink-im-bi

[help-ithink-im-bi]

confused

I hate that I don’t know. That I’m not sure. Sometimes I hear that people knew their sexuality since very early, and that’s so strange for me. I’m not sure even though I’m twenty-freaking two. People are married at this age. Of course it doesn’t help that I don’t have any romantic experience. I’m not diagnosed with social phobia, I have a pretty normal life, but somehow, this sphere is pretty much nonexistent to me. Nah, it’s not nonexistent in my mind. Deep inside, under those layers of vulnerability, fear, lack of confidance, sarcasm, cynicism, denial, I’m a huge romantic. I get invested in romantic storylines, I read fanfictions for specific pairings, I post on tumblr fangirling over ships, I get crushes, I fantasize. But somehow, for me it never went beyond this.

So. I would at least like to know for sure, who I am, but it’s hard to when you didn’t really do anything romantic. Of course, I know that a lot of people don’t need that and they just know, but not me. I can say that I certainly had thoughts and feelings for men and women (I have never met someone who was out as another gender, so I can’t address that). But…. they are so different for both genders. For a long time, I didn’t really realise I can be anything but heterosexual. I may have heard something on the media (I have an unclear memory of mispronouncing the term “lesbians” as a child) but that’s it. No people out as LGBT+ in my environment, in stuff I’ve read or watched. Then I met a gay colleague in college, and then I found a show which has a big, though non canon wlw ship. That’s when the wheels in my mind started churning. That makes me uncertain if my feelings for women are real. If I never thought about that before that stupid show. I’ve never had any crushes as child, so I can’t judge on the base of that. Though I had 2 crushes for men before I started questioning my sexuality, at least this is what I think they were.

The point is, for a long time I didn’t think about my sexuality, so now I think that maybe I’m just overthinking things, maybe I just want to find myself a problem. If look back, there are some things that could maybe be interpreted as signs of being into women, like when parents caught me drawing a naked woman when I was something like 10 (I always loved drawing women, though usually clothed), like when I was really excited when a girl danced with me at the school party, admiring some girls, adoring some female characters, like Xena :P) But maybe I’m misreading that.

So that’s how my past confuses me. And now present. My feelings for men and women are really different. Because of that I have days when I’m like: maybe I just made it all up, I’m just a common heterosexual who wants to feel oppressed and procrastinate and then there are days: maybe I’m just a lesbian who never really knew that’s an option due to heteronormativity and what I thought of as crushes was just guys who were really nice cute warm and affectionate and I just needed a friend. And then there are days when I’m like: I’m so bi. And I really don’t know which one is true.

So, how are they different? Like with women, it’s like there are so many gorgeous women. So often a beautiful girl catches my eye. I have so many attractive friends. Female body is so beatiful. I love drawing it, picturing it, looking at it. Ah. But I never had a really big crush on a girl, where I would mope and think about her for a long time. I never got a crush on my female friend. I’ve had more fleeitng ones, I still remember a beautiful redhead I met on some convention, because of whom I changed my schedule to stay with her, and then when she mentioned going to lunch, I said that actually I would like to eat too (well, then she said she’s going to her granny so….) Or a cute girl I was doing a project with. Etc. But I never really got caught up in a crush on a girl. Maybe that’s just a defensive reaction. I’ve never known an out bi girl or a lesbian, so I never thought the girls I knew were even remotely available, so I didn’t see their actions in any romantic light. But maybe I’m fooling myself and maybe my feelings for women are superficial?

And now, men. So, they draw my attention much much rarer. There isn’t many guys I would admire in comparison to girls. As if there really not many guys who are “my type”. My mom was once watching swimming competitions and told me she did it to admire these men’s bodies. And I thougth ugh somehow I don’t find it interesting. I prefered to watch female beauty competitions, even if women in them seeemed a bit too unreal and artificial to me. I did have some celebrity crushes on men, but somehow I preferred to see them completely clothed (unlike female celeb crushes, Shaaakiiiiraaaaa. On those few times I felt a guy may be hitting on me, I thought “please don’t”. I rarely felt comfortable with male proximity on occasions like that - for example in dance when a guy wanted to dance closer.

But, on the other hand, I’ve had these few, I would say 3 crushes, and when I’ve had a crush on a man, it was this longing kind of crush. 2 of those times happened when I knew them for a really long time, like 2-3 years, I knew them quite well though we weren’t  best friends. There was some sort of a trigger which caused me to think more romantically about them, and they didn’t feel totally unaivalable, even tough of course I didn’t take any action really. Then it didn’t matter to me that I mostly think men are unattractive and don’t crave their touch - their touch and only specifically their would be welcome. Though still I’m not sure how I would feel in more intimate situation… And when I had crushes on men they lasted longer and were more painful than crushes on girls…

So that makes it hard to figure things out. I have so many doubts. And the fact I’m 22 makes it even more irritating. How do I know if I’m bi? Why do I feel so differently about men and women? Does it mean that I’m not really attracted to both genders (maybe I would be attracted to other too, I just don’t know cause was never aware I met someone identifying as other gender, yeah I’m not the most outgoing person and I don’t have amny acquiantaces and my country is still not that welcoming for LGBTQ). I think I’m bi but if I am why don’t I have the same feelings for all genders? CONFUSED.