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There’s Always a First Time for Everything

Long story short - I broke down at work for the first time. 

I was in a call and I received a few comments about my work - which is completely fine because constructive feedback is important for me to grow.

I guess it’s been an extremely stressful and tough few weeks, everytime I jump into a call I feel a great sense of fear for what’s coming next. Am I going to get scolded? What kind of comments would he give this time? Would the change that I have to make be a huge one?

I’ve been walking on eggshells this whole time and I’ve been trying my utmost best to keep my composure. However, I heard the words ‘I guess you didn’t put in much effort into this’ and that was enough to break me completely.

The thing about me, in and out of work, is that I take whatever that I have to do, must do or enjoy doing seriously. Imagine spending so much time working on what you gotta do / enjoy doing, only to have someone tell you that you’re not putting in the effort to get to where you need to.

I was so disappointed with myself that I broke down right after the call ended. I was so worn out, so tired of the harshness that is working life. I barely even started, how is this possible?

She called me later on to catch up and asked me if I was okay. I’m not sure about everyone else, but ‘Are you okay?’ is enough to make me cry all over again. I was saddened by the fact that my efforts were not recognised much; that I’m giving it my all only for someone to say that I didn’t put in much effort into it. 

Anyway, she gave me some advice that I think I should take note of: 1) Reach out if you need help, and reach out early. 2) Release those emotions and give yourself an outlet to do so. 3) Learn from it, and move on. 

I thanked her for reaching out to me, and I guess the call was indeed necessary for me to release my emotions.

6.15pm came along, and he asked if I could give him a call. I braced myself for the worst and hoped that he would be satisfied with my work. He asked the same question of ‘Are you okay?’ and I tried so hard not to cry but I ended up letting go.

He asked me to explain how I was feeling and I did - about how I was disappointed that I let him down, how I felt like I wasn’t good enough to be part of this team, the whole nine. 

I also mentioned the fact that for everyday that I’ve worked in this team, I’ve always given my best and I can only hope that he can see that.

Thankfully, he responded by saying that he never doubted my abilities/ always knew I was giving my best and doing what I can to contribute well to this team. He also mentioned that the fact that I cried only meant that it means a lot to me to get the job done well. He also emphasised that my attitude towards learning is really good, and that he’s thankful that I’m on his team. Most importantly, he said that I shouldn’t take his comments/words personally. I think that’s something I can definitely apply to my future career and personal life. To be fair, I feel that it was the whole walking-around-eggshells thing that gradually brought me down, and what was said initially became the breaking point for me.

At least I know now - he’s always known that I’m trying my best, he’s never upset/disappointed with me as an individual; but rather with certain situations,  especially when a particular milestone is reaching the end of a deadline.

With that, I will rest well tonight - start anew tomorrow, and continue trying my best, giving my all and being the best version that I can be.

Work life is tough, not gonna lie - but I’ll try my best in both work and life aspects. I hope to find the perfect balance between the two, and to always see the bright side of life.

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Problem Ever After

You know, as much as I believe in the ideology of ‘everything happens for a reason’, some issues are just quite redundant especially given the existing stress and pain I’m already in with my own self.

I’d say that I’m a good listener, but I’m selective with who I wish to listen to (About their issues, life, etc.). I’m more than willing to support and hear people out, regardless of whether it’s good or bad. 

However, picture yourself having to listen to something that is stress-inducing, hurtful and indirectly related to you. Really think about that for a second. Hearing someone say ‘See? Send them to Us and this is how they’ll turn out’. I’m not even the one who caused you pain. I was forced to be a listening ear to you and yet I have to hear such hurtful words coming out of your mouth. I get that you were affected by someone, and I understand where you’re coming from. I thought that was enough as a listener- but no, you had to make such generalised statements just to bring everyone down. What for? If you’re sad, talk to someone, but don’t insult them unnecessarily. 

Since this entire issue was blown out of proportion, I was negatively affected not only by you, but also your partner. ‘Don’t be the bad guy.’ What? So I’m a bad person for technically offering help to make them better individuals in the future? Are you fucking kidding me right now?

I didn’t even get to say my piece. I never get to say my piece and that is why I keep my ass silent. There were instances where I wanted to tell you this but hey - your issue’s bigger, so only you get to do the talking. It’s always about you.

You say that you’re over it, but all I see is a vicious, toxic ass cycle repeating itself every few months. You say you’re over it, you get pissed off again after thinking about it, you need an outlet to vent your emotions and hence you take it out on me. Yet you wonder why we’re always not there. 

This is why I dislike being around you sometimes. I have to walk on eggshells whenever I’m around you and I’m always subconsciously wondering when you’ll start lashing out again. Do you think this is fun for me? This is another reason why I am afraid of Y leaving. Honestly. I won’t even have a safe space for me to use humour as a coping mechanism, to have someone that understands me overall in this damn space. It doesn’t even feel like what it’s called anymore. It never felt that way. 

I used to look up to you and I still do in certain aspects. However, I beg to differ when it comes to the way you convey your emotions and the way you actually deal with real-life issues. The narrative painted will always be that you’re the victim, that everyone’s at fault but you. It’s not like we haven’t tried to get that point across to you. You’re just incapable of handling the truth; the fact that while there are scenarios in which you’re the actual victim, you won’t always be one in other situations. You’re so close-minded and oblivious to everything around you, and yet when we make the decision to tell you the truth, you won’t take any of it and would cry to ‘win’ the argument. 

Lastly, you’d always begin your rants with ‘I’m just letting you know’. Well what if I don’t wanna fucking know about it? It doesn’t concern me, and I know that you’d always conclude your rants with that crude ass sentence that has no significance in it. So why say it? Even when you’re mad, can’t you learn to control the things you say, especially when you don’t mean it at the end of the day/it doesn’t resolve any of your problems/it’s not even remotely related to the point you’ve been trying to make?

So what does this boil down to? Communication issues? Personality issues? Emotional issues? I don’t fucking know since there’s always something new to discover about you and everyone else for that matter, every day. All I know now is that when I am financially capable to do so, I would fulfil this sad-ass dream that I’ve subconsciously thought about countless of times. I hate being alone, but I’d rather be alone somewhere else; a place that I can call my safe haven. This is just not it. It has never been it and sadly, it will never be it. 

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I was going to write a long post about my time in Uni, but I’ll leave that for another time.

Today for some reason was one of the loneliest days I had to experience. Don’t get me wrong - nothing specific happened; I just felt really lonely.

I don’t know if this happens to others often, but every once in awhile, it’s like my emotions have some sort of a ‘menstrual period’ on its own. I’d go on my day feeling normal/happy as all hell, and then some sort of emotional-caffeine crash takes over without any foresight/warning. It’s fucking insane. 

It’s not like I can openly declare it to anyone saying ‘Hey, I feel lonely’. Like how the fuck is someone even supposed to respond to that LMAO. But this feeling man - it’s latching onto me and it’s not letting go anytime soon. I fucking hate this feeling the most because it brings my mind to a very dark place. I just become a ball of emotion and depression and there’s no way out in my head it seems. It’s a vicious cycle and as much as I want it to end, as much as I try my best to get out of it, it comes back to me like a toxic ex. 

I wish there’s an off-switch button that I can press just so that I could stop feeling this way. I hate that it’s a process, I really hate it. I hate that every time I feel fucking bad about myself or feel lonely, my mind just goes straight to the thought of disappearing from this world. Like can you just stop yourself from being so fucking stupid. 

It’s weird though, there are days where I can be alone and not feel lonely, but today’s not one of them unfortunately. Everyone is busy and life is moving at a very fast pace, so it’s only normal that I don’t get to meet my closed ones as often as before. Just when I thought I’m getting over this feeling it comes back to bite me in the ass. 

He’s skyping me right now and he’s flustered cause he has no idea what to do about me. Honestly, me neither. I assured him that it’s not his fault because he has this thought process of me being sad/emotional as something of his doing, when it is not of course.

I really don’t know what could make me feel better. I played the guitar, spent hours watching YouTube and today just isn’t it for me man. I’m sure this happens to a lot of other people, so in that sense I shouldn’t be complaining too much because a lot of people have it harder. 

I don’t know if I should end the call or not because let’s be honest - I’m giving him unnecessary stress, and we both have no idea how to sort this problem out. I’d say this is the main thing that we struggle with, dealing with each other’s emotions. To be fair, he’s a very emotionally stable person so it’s more difficult for him. Just a call filled with static noises, nothing much in particular. 

Feels really bad man. My existence is purely a disturbance to anyone that I am close to. What a sad reality.

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End of Year 1. 1/3 complete!

Heyya. It’s been about 6 months since my last post, and that’s mainly because of the fact that my finals were coming up and I really had no time to update even though this is just for my future self to read. 

I went back home in April for about 2.5 weeks and I still remember the feelings I had when I first touched down to +65. It was overwhelming, and I almost cried when I was walking to the baggage claim area. Upon seeing my parents, I sucked it up and continued to go about my day. Within those 2.5 weeks, I was able to meet up with my friends at least once, and I must say I felt really thankful for being able to have met these wonderful souls in my life prior to University. They are and always will be, my everything.

To be very honest, other than my roommates and Kris, there’s no one else that I can truly relate to here. I’m not the most religious person on earth, but I truly believe that our paths crossed for a good reason. I am equally thankful for them as well, for University life would have truly sucked without them around. Upon my return to Manchester for about a month (due to my finals), I spent the entire month focusing on my studies and the only time that I was willing to take a break was when I had to cook lunch or dinner for myself. I have always looked forward to cooking no matter how repetitive my dishes got, as it served as a form of stress relief for me, and it’s definitely cheaper for me to cook the food, rather than to order delivery. I prayed every night without fail because I truly wanted to do well despite it being the first year and my grades ‘doesn’t count’. Either way, I want to push myself especially since my responsibility now is to study hard and get good grades. I want to prove to myself that I am able to achieve good things in life and I have to work hard for it, don’t I?

With that being said, I feel very bad, in a sense that I wasn’t able to talk much to wh during this period. I would also say that fully devoting my time to studying helped distract myself from the fact that I really miss my man. It was good in that period of time because my priority was to do well for my finals, but I remember crying a few nights ago due to the feelings hitting me pretty hard. I realised how much I missed him and I felt pretty shit about it. I slept it off as usual and everything went back to normal. I would say we’re still going on strong, and I really am grateful for the position that I am in life now. I’m really contented with my relationship and he’s really understanding, which is one of the many qualities I love him for.

Fast forward to a month later, I’m finally done with my exams at this moment. I remember looking forward to this very point of my life; having my first summer break with loads of opportunities ahead of me. Although, I didn’t cinch any internships which was unfortunate. However, I am not intending to give up anytime soon, and I would still be sourcing for part time jobs that are in a corporate environment, just to expose myself to new experiences and stuff. I really want to spend my summer break doing something productive and hopefully earning enough money to give to my parents every month. I am still hopeful and I believe that my hard work would pay off, just like the hard work that I put into my studies. I have a great feeling about my finals this year, and I am sincerely grateful for the positive mindset that I somehow managed to obtain. It really helped me change my perspective on not just studying, but life in general. Sometimes, I feel like I was put on this earth for the purpose of making people happy, or to cheer people up, and it actually feels really good to know or have a rough idea of what I strive for in life. That is, happiness being the first priority, followed by the ones I care about, and jobs etc. 

I have about 6 more hours to my flight back to Singapore and I am excited to say the least. I’m also very happy that my parents will be fetching me from the airport. A lot of kids out there won’t really get the opportunity to spend time with their parents, and I guess I am one of the lucky ones. I really want to do myself and my parents (mainly) proud. Not for myself to be their trophy, but for me to make something out of myself, as my parents have given me such an amazing childhood and starting base to work with. 

I know my post is all over the place, but that is exactly how I’m like. I love being random in my thought process, and reaching certain epiphanies while I’m at it. I’m 21 now, and as surreal as it feels, I am taking it surprisingly fine. Compared to the 16 year old me, I don’t think she would ever expect herself to be in such a good state. A positive mindset and ‘never-say-no’ to appropriate situations really helped me out a lot and I’m just.. I’m really happy right now and I really hope that better things are ahead of me. 

For the upcoming week, I’m going to keep myself busy by looking for part time jobs and at the same time, perhaps spending time with my family and friends before starting my job. I’m keeping my fingers crossed cause I’ve been rejected multiple times, but I really want to gain some experience and I will remain positive and persistent. I really hope this summer break goes as slowly as possible, because I want to savour every moment of it and I know that good things are ahead of me. Meanwhile, I really hope that all the ones that I love and care about are doing just fine, and I cannot wait to see them. I hope they feel the same too. 

Till next time boi. :) Off to catch my flight now. 

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Exams in 2 weeks’ time.

Heyya, it’s been quite awhile since I’ve last updated my thoughts here so I think it’ll be a good idea to do it today before diving right back into my studies.

I went for a 5 day short trip to Munich, Germany about over a week ago. I would say that it was an enjoyable trip on its own. Despite not having much to do, just walking around and finding new things to look at really eased my mind and took my mind off of work for awhile. With that being said, I would say that hopefully throughout my time here, if I were to go travelling again, I would like to challenge myself to travelling alone. That is if my parents allow me to hahaha.

Anyway, it’s been about 8 days since living by myself, the longest solitude time I’ve ever had ever since reading week. I would say that it’s going alright so far, but then again it really fucks with your head a little bit. Throughout these few days, I’ve really started to miss having conversations with people. Whenever I’m cooking by myself in the kitchen, I would make sure to play a Youtube video as ‘background noise’, to seem as if someone’s really at home with me; to make me feel less alone. It’s an interesting experience so far since all I do all day is to exercise in the morning, cook myself good food, study, head to bed and do the same things all over again. It really made me appreciate the already little (but qualitative) friends and family back at home. Even if we don’t talk throughout the day in the past when I was in Singapore, I know that they’re nearby and in a way it’ll make me feel less alone. I’m not sure if I’m making any sense now but I’m sure you can follow.

I celebrated my New Years just whipping up honey mustard salmon, cinnamon sugar buns and a hearty cold spicy noodle dish for myself. I think the basis of ‘survival needs’ really sparked my interest in cooking, since you’re supposed to cook for yourself to eat something and survive right? xD. I think over the past few months, I’ve gotten better at my dishes and it really made me appreciate being able to cook for myself, and I would say that my cooking skills are consistently improving. I probably saved a lot of money purely from just cooking at home almost every day. By the way, God bless Lidl man I wouldn’t be able to get affordable groceries had it not be the nearest supermarket to my place. Well, celebrating my New Years in my home alone wasn’t so bad because I enjoyed the cooking and of course the eating process, knowing that my food was homemade. It was quite wholesome to say the least. 

I’m still unsure about whether I should go back to Singapore during Christmas the next 2 years, since exams are most probably going to be in January. I think I will continue to think about it and make a decision for my Christmas breaks in the following years when I head back to Singapore in April 2019. Gosh, I am so hyped about going back but I know my priorities la. I definitely need to study during the April break since exams would be just around the corner by the time I get back to Manchester. 

I can’t wait to be back in Singapore to see my friends at least once, and spend time with my family. I honestly hope that they miss me as much as I miss them though (What a childish thought but oh well it’s true). 

Also, I can’t wait to see wh and spend some time with him as well. He’ll be busy with army in the next few days, and things are going to get more difficult for the both of us. I will continue to be understandable and I’m sure our love will overcome such difficulties. I really love him and I seriously do not see myself with anyone else but him. I just hope that army would be a rewarding experience for him. We would probably just go on food adventures and stay at his place, at least that’s what I predict would happen LOL. 

Anyway, that’s all I have to share for now. I’m hoping to update again when exam ends. Can’t wait though, 22-27 Jan would be like a real break for me since I’ll just be waiting for the new semester to start. Meanwhile, I should stay vigilant, continue exercising, studying and keeping in touch with my friends and family. I hope everyone would have a great year ahead. Let’s do this.  

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Struggles;

It’s been about 2 months since I’ve been here, and with the reading week, it really amplified my homesickness. 

I know this seems like a first-world problem, and it really is one. But I really, really miss home. I miss everything about Singapore. The friends, family, food, everything about it. Even the fucking 300 dollar fine for littering. I’ve been cooped up at home almost all week, which isn’t something I necessarily mind, but the thoughts that come along with it nearly killed me. 

It was so hard to get someone to understand where I’m coming from, since all I heard was “Aiya whatever la” “Wtf you’re studying in UK eh” but it’s not a vacation. I’m really here to study and yeah fair enough I’ll travel a bit here and there, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss Singapore. I had my first minor breakdown today, and it felt like utter crap. 

I guess the reason why I love going to supermarkets, is also because of the fact that it reminds me of Singapore. Seeing the sauces and kway teow noodles really brings a smile to my face. It made me feel belonged in this country, and it made me feel happy that I can cook up something that reminds me of it. Unfortunately, I can’t do the same for friends or family because they’re irreplaceable. They’re everything to me. I don’t expect them to understand fully, but I really sometimes wished they’d just listen and empathise with me, for that’s all I need in this moment. 

Wh’s in Batam with Bevan and friends, as Bevan’s enlisting soon. I will make sure to send him a message wishing him good luck, and I really hope he enjoys his post, despite it not being what he originally wanted. 

I guess the highlight of my week, would be when Jon gave me a call while he’s out drinking. The thing about our friendship is that we never call each other at all. In fact, we text for the most part and that is always enough. I remember him saying “Only a month eh. How ah” and it really touched my heart, because it’s his own way of saying he misses me. I’m glad that I’m still missed despite not being in Singapore, because I can tell you that there are times where I have the fear of missing out and that in itself sucks. 

I honestly do not think that I will ever move past homesickness, and I just pray to God sincerely that I would be able to cope with it meanwhile. As much as I can’t wait to be back in Singapore, I’m sure when I’m done pursuing my studies, I would miss this (fruitful) experience of studying abroad as well. I believe that I would be able to pull through, and I really hope that as of right now, life is alright for everyone. 

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Week 4 - UOM

Currently in Manchester, having my 4th week of study.

Made some friends over the past few weeks. Eunice; a friend from HK, Marta; a friend from Italy, Rachel; a friend from the Carribean, and Leo; a friend from France. I wouldn’t necessarily say that I’m very close to all of them, but I would say I’m the closest to Eunice and Marta so far. Honestly grateful for the way we met because we just started talking while we were sitting beside one another during the lecture. It goes to show that despite the bad experience I had with the SS, I was able to put myself out there and get to know a few more friends. I’m honestly very grateful for them, even though I’ve only known them for a month.

Well school wise, it was quite a challenge because everyone here is obviously smarter than I am. Most of them took their A levels prior to studying here; whereas for me, I took a technical gap year since I spent a few months taking care of my nephew. Though once again; I’m sincerely glad that I was able to get back in track with studying. Truth be told, it’s so much more peaceful to be here because I don’t have any responsibilities when it comes to care-taking or whatever.

I might be taking a trip to Hamburg(Germany) with Eunice for Christmas break, maybe for just a few days before jumping right back into studying. Once again, I’m quite glad that I’m not the only one who’s staying in Manchester during Christmas, because it’s a big thing here which I am definitely not a part of ever since I was young. I’m looking forward to that too to be honest hahaha.

Being here has its perks but other than missing Singapore food(which is a small issue), I really miss my family. My friends and my boyfriend. 

The twins are growing up and so is my nephew. He can finally sit on his own without a problem, and the twins are speaking more and even started to ride their tricycles without any help. It’s nice to get an update ever so often on how my family is doing through the chat group, but of course, it made me miss them even more as well.

As for Rachel and Yani, I really miss being able to really be myself with them because I’ll never be able to find any other friends who can truly accept me for who I am, despite the mistakes that I have made as an individual. I love them to fucking death and I miss them so much. I always hope and pray that things are going well for them. 

As for Isaac, Chester and Evan; they’re currently in the army and well army is pure shit LOL but I’m just hoping that things are going well for them in the meantime too. Though, Chester’s not doing so well and I’m keeping myself updated with his situation. As a friend, I’ll take my responsibility to be there for him whenever he needs someone to talk to. Evan and Isaac seem to be doing fine, and I hope it stays that way.

As for Jonathan and Bevan; we talk ever so often because we don’t talk that much in real life anyway, but we have a special bond and I would always make an effort to chat with them to see how they’re doing. Lmao it sounds like a job, but I really enjoy keeping myself connected with the ones that matter. Jonathan coincidentally ended up in the same unit as CJ so that’s something funny to think about xD. 

And as for Wh, I really miss him especially when I walk home by myself, or when I’m stuck at home during the weekends. I miss just being able to see him, essentially. Whenever I see couples walking around in Manchester, it made me sad because I know that Wh’s not here and I can’t meet him physically, so that sucks. I mean both of us are probably used to not meeting that often, but it’s been a month since we last met and I really miss him, his humor, the way he pisses me off, and everything. We’ve been together for about 2 years now and I love the dynamic of my relationship with him. He’s never jealous; he’s understanding of the fact that I have guy friends that I’m close to. He’s a very loving guy only towards me (obviously), and he reinforces reality whenever necessary. He keeps me grounded as an individual and I swear, even though it’s only been two years I seriously do not see myself with anyone else but him. Though, it’s funny because he’s not interested in getting married even when we’re like e.g 25 years old so that may be a problem but ah well. I miss him, and distance really makes the heart grow fonder. 

I miss everyone back in Singapore, but I really hope that life is treating them kind and I hope that everyone is happy and contented with their lives so far hahaha. I’ll probably be going back to Singapore for about 3 weeks during Easter(April), so I can’t wait to see the ones I love, and also to drive a car because I haven’t driven in a month and I want to keep my driving skills in check LOL.

Well I guess the only time I’m updating this shit hole that no one reads in 2 months time. So I’ll catch you later. Meanwhile, stay hype and safe and happy. 

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Post Poly, Pre-Uni

I’ve graduated from poly and as frightening as it may be, I’m genuinely excited for my life in uni. I’m going to another country to further my studies, and it would be tough, but rewarding if I can keep up with my mindset of balancing between work, social life and exercise. 

My poly graduation ceremony went fine, and it was bittersweet, as over the past 3 years, I’ve learnt so much about the ones around me, as well as my own self. Throughout the three years, I was able to see myself grow stronger from my past experiences, and as surprising as it was, my poly life made me realise that even the ones closest to you can change for the worse. With that being said, I may have changed in a bad way in others’ perspective, but I am doing just fine and I am grateful to be able to say that.

Despite not taking up a part time job, I was able to spend enough time with my family, friends and partner. Looking back, I don’t regret my choices of hanging out with the ones I love, or even just staying at home and watching videos all day long. It’s actually rather satisfying to know that I had a few months to do just that. I had all the time in the world, and I believe that I’ve maximised it as much as I could. 

Oh, and my sister’s finally back in Singapore. We don’t say mushy things to each other but I really missed her and I’m so glad that she’s back. At least I have someone to talk to and spend time with even at home(Except for my parents, of course).

Anyway, I have a new baby nephew and he’s about 6 months old now. I spend my weekdays from Monday to Wednesday at home with my mom, either taking care of the kid, or cooking for the family. Though, it felt like taking care of the twins all over again. It’s upsetting; but the truth is that the moment you’re old enough to think and fend for yourself, you’re no longer that significant in the family. With the addition of the next generation, I’m just someone who comes home early enough to see my parents, and a child who’s still financially supported by her parents. I’m forever grateful for that of course, but yeah that’s just how I feel.

With the way my family has been, I really have no idea how my relationship with my mom can get any better. Whenever we touch on that *sensitive* subject, my mom would get triggered and take us completely out of context, saying that we’re insulting her and whatever she believes in. Given the fact that the only ones (except for my father) living in this house is my sister and I, I’m really sick and tired of what she has to say about what she believes in and it’s wearing me out. That’s also partially the reason why I can’t wait to study overseas. I don’t want to come home and have to hear her nag or argue about that shit anymore. I’m so sick of it. The next three years would be a great time for me to truly spend time by myself, and learn how to be independent without my parents when it comes to companionship and house chores la, if that makes any sense. 

Though, I can definitely foresee myself being homesick, missing the idea and reality of being able to meet my friends/family/partner back home whenever I want to. Emotionally/childishly speaking, I really hope that my friends here won’t forget about me and that we’ll be able to make time for each other when I’m back. 

I’m guessing that the next time I’ll ever post anything is when I’m already overseas but let’s just hope that everything will be okay.

Till then :) 

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To all the broken souls out there;

I’m very thankful to be where I am now in life. I’m even more thankful, for the fact that I know who my true friends and family are. I’ve been through some tough times myself, and as much as I know that this may only be the beginning, I’m truly thankful that I have been able to overcome the obstacles that came my way thus far. With that being said, I really pray and empathise with all the broken souls out there. The broken souls that I’ve never talked to. And most importantly, the broken souls that I have managed to cross paths with.

Over the past few days, I have been feeling really heavy-hearted, upon making new guy friends, who are just so emotionally broken inside that it fucking breaks my heart too. In my perspective, I don’t care how close you are to me. The moment you open up to me, I’m all ears and I am emotionally attached to people in that way. I love it when people open up to me because I really enjoy being there for people and being emotionally connected on such levels. 

For some reason, I have noticed that the guy friends I have(be it close or not) have this really bad habit of thinking that sex is the only way to get to a girl’s heart.

“I feel fucking sick of this lifestyle and I just want to settle with someone who truly loves me.” 

I’ve heard this from about 5 guys that I’ve met in my life and my heart fucking aches for them. I really feel fucking sad whenever they have to resort to such methods in order to feel something. In order to feel needed and wanted by a person. It sucks how I can’t do much for them but to listen to what they have to say. The worst part is that even if they turn a deaf ear to my advices, there’s nothing else I can do because that’s all I’m good for as a friend.

I’m not writing this post just to get your attention on how good I may be as a person. It’s just within my nature to care for people, and the moment you open up to me, I become really concerned for that particular individual.

I really wish that someday, you guys would be able to find a girl that’s worth your time, not just to pass time. Please guys, as much as you’re the one fucking around, your body; mind and soul is more than just this. I’ve seen how it’s like to be in both parties’ shoes and I have to say that it sucks to be stuck in that situation as a whole, regardless of whether you’re the fuckboy or whether you’re the girl who’s getting hurt. It’s a terrible situation to put yourself in. You’re worth more than that.. aiyo. 

There’s only one of me and I can only care for so much people. To those who crossed paths with me; thank you for letting me be your listening ear. I really and truly hope that you guys would be able to get through the obstacles that are currently in your way. Maybe someday, you guys would know your worth, and a really lucky girl will be blessed to have a dude like you. 

Please my homies. Be strong. I know men are supposed to be emotionless creatures but I know you guys need attention too. You’ll be alright. Believe in yourself. 

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Friendships.

Friendships aren’t meant to last unless you’re willing to put in the effort to do so.

One of the things that I want to do in 2018 is to write my feelings out more. I realized that I’ve been neglecting tumblr because PFFT THERE’S ONLY ONE PURPOSE LEFT FOR ME TO USE TUMBLR NOW HAHAHA. Anyway. I’m graduating in technically a month’s time and it all feels so surreal. The freshman orientation camp felt like it was yesterday. It felt like Yani, Rachel and I were back in Yani’s house, jamming the day before our orientation camps. It’s cliche to say this but damn, time is passing by so quickly. 

Throughout my 3 years in poly, I have learnt so much about myself, as well as others. It’s true what Yan and Rach have said; you would either end up finding true friends, or seeing the ugly side of your ‘best friend’ in the most unexpected way possible. If it wasn’t for what I’ve been through the past few years, I wouldn’t have been the person that I am today. I can safely say that as of right now, I’m really happy with the way I turned out, and I’m happy with the way life is.

I started talking to Jonnie more ever since internship started. I remembered how we texted through whatsapp and I urged him to work in the same company as me; in hopes of potentially smonking together and I don’t know, getting to know him more as a person. Whenever I’m stationed at Changi, we would always have lunch together and lose our shit over great memes. Over time, I would say we grew closer and he started opening up to me more. I don’t know, I like it when the friendship is mutual and when people that I care about start opening up to me with regards to their issues. Thanks for the lepaking sessions booi. 

Bevan has always stayed by my side, regardless of what others said about me in year 2. I was amazed by how he was willing to deal with my shit despite how paranoid and repetitive I am about the issues that I face. Over the course of our friendship, I was glad that he opened up to me about his problems and confided in me about it. Our friendship is priceless, and I sincerely thank him from the bottom of my heart, for teaching me how to be strong, and love myself more as an individual. Thank you for the lepaking sessions too huehue.

Benny has always been a friend who’s constantly positive and his personality radiates all the time. Though we don’t talk much, there’s definitely a brotherhood that we share and I guess I really like that about my friendship with him. 

Yani and Rachel have been nothing but good fortune in my life. Ever since our friendship, I have learnt so much from them and of course, I was given the opportunity to be a friend to them and I am truly honoured to be blessed with such amazing friends. They have always stood by my side when times get rough, and I can’t believe we’re going to be friends for almost 7 years now. I would never give up on them, as they have never given up on me and I really love them for being who they are. Our friendship is special and I would never want it any other way. 

Of course, I have experienced failed friendships over the past three years, and it made me learn and understand that if a friendship fails, both parties are responsible for it. However, I have learnt to love myself more, as well as to understand the differences that may set me apart from my friends. 

I love the friends that came into my life thus far, and I really want to continue putting in the effort to sustain our friendship; to make both parties happy, and have someone to talk to. 

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Contented.

We’ve been together for about a year and almost a half now, and I can safely say that I feel contented in this relationship.

I’ve always been afraid of falling in love again. No, you’re not reading some cliche romance novel but it’s true. Ever since what happened in year 1, I’ve always feared that all the guys I date would end up becoming like R. It’s horrific to know that I made the choice to even stay with him, even when he clearly doesn’t want me.

It’s hard to be strong and I guess I was never a strong character to begin with. The only thing I’m good at, is pretending to be strong. I would only let my guard down in front of my two girl best friends, and no one else. When wh came into my life, it forced me to put my life into perspective, as well as his. Not every guy would turn out to be R. Not every guy is an asshole. Though, despite some of their similar traits, wh isn’t like that. He wouldn’t just walk away or date some other girl when he says that he loves me. For once in my life, I actually feel safe with the person I’m with.

However, it’s been pretty difficult for me to accept how realistic he is as an individual. Both of us are like yin and yang; with me being emotional and him being realistic. Despite the ‘harmony’ and peace I feel when I’m with him, it would spiral out of control on certain occasions and we’ll end up fighting.

I need to find a way to work things out, not only for us, but for myself too. I’m tired of expecting him to be emotional like me; and he’s tired of expecting me to be realistic like him. It’s going to be a challenge to talk to him about this, since he’s always too lazy to do anything, let alone something like this.

I just hope that he’d stop shunning me out by saying “you’re overthinking too much.” Well, thank god he hasn’t been saying that sentence often. Oh well, we shall see where our relationship takes us, and I truly hope that everything will be fine and resolved in due time.

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You.

It’s really upsetting how every single relationship would start out sweet but end up in raging flames or miscommunication. 

When you told me that you were going to work for two whole weeks without meeting me, you had no idea how upset I was. We always told each other that we would spend more time with each other during the holidays. This will be my last proper semester holiday, and that is why I’m all the more affected by the fact that you’re going to be busy for the remaining two weeks. What’s even funnier, is that we only met once a week 90% of the time during the holidays. We didn’t even spend more time with each other, we never did. 

You know what annoyed me the most? The fact that you would tell me, that you rejected job offers from your boss because you “wanted to spend more time with me”. It’s definitely understandable IF WE DID SPEND MORE TIME WITH EACH OTHER. In actual fact, you probably rejected the job offers to sleep in. There were also a few occasions whereby you preferred to sleep in than to meet me. So what’s with all this bullshit explanation? 

Of course I’m aware that you’re working hard because you’re a grown ass man while I never really worked during the holidays. However, I went into holiday mode and I never once expected you to meet me 5 days a week. 2 times a week would be nice. Too bad you placed shit tons of work during the holidays even before the 2 week job offer was given to you. I believe I’m being as understanding as possible. 

Also, knowing that I’m unable to head out late, it’s normal for you to head out with your colleagues or friends after work. I must say, I really hate it when you do that because the only time where we can chat is when we’re on the phone or skyping together. Whenever you make last minute plans with your colleagues or friends, it makes me feel unwanted as fuck. Yeah sure, I’m overthinking in your dictionary but this is what happens most of the time. 

I always told you to update me if any other girls were to drop by at your outings. I’m sure any girl friend of yours would be more feminine than me, and I trust you to prevent yourself from making fucked up decisions, but can’t you just give me a peace of mind? Perhaps you won’t even think that it’s important to update me but I feel that it’s as important because it plays a part in our communication. I just don’t understand why you’re always so lazy to tell me if some other girl were to drop by. Of course, you have your freedom and I have mine. However, if I were to hang out with guys that you may not know of I would always tell you, while you take me and updating me for granted. 

I’m honestly pretty disappointed in myself and in you. No matter how much I try to explain, you’ll always summarize my thoughts as “you overthink too much”. You heard what I say but you never listened. 

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Too emotional.

Every one tells me that. If I were to be able to control my emotions, I would have done so a long time ago. I feel disappointed and upset whenever people tell me that I’m being “too emotional”, even if I were to be upset over trivial matters. 

First of all, if you were in my shoes, you’d know for yourself; how hard it is to actually control your emotions when all you want to do is hide somewhere or pour your heart out to somebody. I have to contain all these emotions in my own being due to past experiences; friends or exes giving up on me due to my “emotional needs”. 

In all honesty, the opinions of me being too emotional was never needed in the first place. I’ve known it all along, and don’t anyone dare tell me what to do about my emotions. Giving a genuine advice is fine, but there’s no point in forcing me to listen to you. I really fucking hate it when people tell me what to do without understanding what I’m dealing with here. I can’t control it very well but I have always tried my best to look at the bright side and be less sensitive about issues, regardless of how serious it is. 

I know that you’re not the most emotional guy out there, neither are you super sensitive. However, please try to understand that there’s no way for you to change me. I really appreciate you looking out for me, but there’s no way for us to actually meet between the lines when it comes to this. 

You’d ask me why I’m upset, and when I tell you what’s making me upset, you would claim my issues as “redundant”. If you don’t understand why I’m feeling the way I do, just being there for me would be more than enough. You don’t have to be so harsh with your words. I understand that you’re realistic, and that is why I don’t expect you to be me. Neither have I tried to change you. I love you man, but I guess this has always been a problem for us both. 

I would enjoy our relationship to its fullest potential, with the amount of time we still have left with each other. Up to date, you’re the most caring boyfriend I’ve ever had. A relationship would not be a relationship if no obstacles are involved. For now, the only solution I have in mind is to keep my mouth shut whenever I’m upset about other stuff. I don’t know. I’ve been feeling a little blue lately, let’s just hope that my period’s coming. 

Nonetheless, thank you Rachel and Yani for being in my life all the time. 

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Anxiety.

Honestly I’ve been overthinking more and being paranoid about almost anything and everything. My anxiety problem has been closeted for awhile now and I guess it’s releasing itself in full force. 

I was quite upset with my parents for the way they treated me and I was raging to WeiHan about it and I told him to “fuck off” by accident. I didn’t really put much thought into it until Yani left my place and these thoughts started consuming me. “You’re a horrible girlfriend”, “What the fuck have you done”, etc. It’s fucking insane. I felt so paranoid to the point where I had to re-read my conversations with him over and over again to re-confirm that it was my fault. I felt disgusted with myself and just when I thought that was all, I made another mistake. 

I don’t know if jiaobert’s really mad at me or what, but I basically rejected lunch with him and ht cause I wanted to sleep in. He was technically trying to guilt trip me and I felt the guilt fucking bad. I felt like shit but then again perhaps he knew what to do to make me feel that way and that’s why he said things like “fker don’t want to eat” “no lunch no talk” whatsoever. I would say this was a really small issue but my mind went all around to make me feel like shit again. 

It’s a constant battle with myself because all I could think about was how bad it made me felt and how bad everything feels. I feel self-centred for that but I’m just being honest. I haven’t felt this amount of anxiety in awhile. It’s really overwhelming and I honestly have no idea what to do. I know people are going to say that I’m worried over nothing and that it’s normal but I don’t think it’s normal. 

This was worse back in Primary and Secondary school when I did whatever I could to please the people I wanted to be close to. Perhaps I’m just too afraid to lose people again, or perhaps, this issue will cause me to lose contact with a people again. I don’t like the way I think because all I do is overthink but I can’t put a stop to it. I feel like it has always been there lurking in the dark waiting to pounce on me at my worst. It’s fucking insane.

I just wanted to get this off my chest before I start bursting out into tears. Please tell me my period’s coming. I hate these random spikes of anxiety and I really don’t want to feel like this again. God help me. 

[helpfuckingneeded]

Hopes

As long as you still have hope somewhere deep down in your heart, you’re good to go.

So I stopped contacting Daryl because we both know that we’re only there for each other purely for the purpose of pleasure. Or so I thought.

A few days ago he contacted me again wishing me a good day ahead. Nothing’s wrong with that, just that I currently am in a relationship and I made it clear to my boyfriend that he’s a friend. I’m no longer in contact with him that way.

He told me that he misses me. I don’t miss him that way, cause first and foremost I have a boyfriend but I feel like such a fuck up. I thought I’d be the one crying in sorrow and expecting him to end things but I became the bad guy instead. Oh well, life surprised me in a lot of ways. 

I have always been very emotional and I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon. Come to think of it, my emotions costed my friendships and relationships. Every guy I’ve been with told me the same thing. “Glad you know”, or “Don’t overthink too much.” If I could’ve controlled this overthinking habit of mine I probably would’ve been a saint by now(Just kidding). 

Wh had a very very mild game rage just now. I’m always asking him about whether he’s angry even if he’s not. He’s probably going to get tired of me asking that question. He’s an amazing guy himself, and I’m grateful that he came into my life. I just hope that this relationship will last. I’m afraid of what the future holds and I’ve never really been able to appreciate the present well enough; considering the fact that all I do is overthink and worry about what the future may be. It’s just one of those nights again where I think about everything.

I’m grateful for what I have, including Yani, Rachel, Davian, Benny, Bevan, Weihan. I just hope that my friends will remain the best of friends to me(hopefully I won’t fuck up) and I hope that my relationship with wh will last for a long long time. 

That’s the beauty of it, as long as you have hope, you’re good to go.

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I’ve got you figured out, sort of.

I know it’s been a month or two since our last proper conversation, but that aside, I’ve been thinking about how we fell apart, and how we built our relationship with so much a few months back.

Life was good. In fact, it was amazing with you in my life. You were the best guy friend I thought I’ll never have, and the “boyfriend” I’ll never have. I never really regretted whatever we’ve been through. Be it physical, emotional, positive or negative. I would never want it any other way. It’s just a pity.

Here’s one thing I realized about you. You always seem to want the things that you don’t have, and I’m not sure if you’ll even miss someone from the past, after losing them. People always say that we’ll appreciate someone fully only when they’re out of your life. In all honesty, I really have no idea if that applies to you. 

When you were in love or infatuated with her, you wanted me(in a way?). You knew that I can give you the things she couldn’t. You knew that I’d give and do anything to make you happy. I loved you to the point where I completely lost myself. I fucked myself over, and it just seems like life’s better for you without me around. I’m utterly confused. 

I asked for it. I needed someone to confide in in school. I never really thought about how she might feel whenever I talk about the same person and the same issue over and over again. Now, I lost 3 more people who I’ve always deemed important in my life.

I know it might be selfish of me to think like this, but when is my turn to fall in love with the right guy? When will I really be happy again, even during curriculum hours? It’s wearing me out to know that I have to drag myself to school everyday, knowing that I will never be able to find anyone to even talk to, let alone deep conversations.

I’m guessing this is just another pms spell. However, I’ve been dealing with this issue every day. I guess it’s really tiring me the fuck out and I just want utter bliss and happiness. I haven’t felt that in a long time.

On a side note, thanks to yani and rach for always being there for me. God(Allah, Buddha, Jesus etc.) has blessed me with two of you beautiful ass individuals and I will never want to let any one of yall go. Even when we die man hahaha jesus.

Technically outside of curriculum hours, I’ve met 3 guys who are mature, playful and people that I can potentially confide in in the future. Thanks bevan for being my brother for the past year, thanks Weihan for the random pats on the head and thanks Benny for being an ultimate retard. 

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