helpyeungrowup - Tumblr blog

[helpyeungrowup]

update

alot has happened since the last post.

7 months passed, and within those months I finished my second year, i moved to another place...more than once, and i studied abroad in Korea.

my mental has grown and I can definitely feel it. my time in Korea was rough. going alone and living in a foreign place for almost three months was hard. i felt isolated, lonely, and confused. i felt confused about my identity and i definitely questioned my self worth. I also realized the importance of my actions and future plans for myself and my parents. i basically went through the whole "i need to get my shit together" arc.

in korea i met a good amount of people. i went out and i enjoyed myself. but i tore myself down and broke myself apart more often than had fun. it was difficult to be optimistic during my stay. there were problems that i was not in control of and just happened out of sheer poor luck and there were problems where i did have some sort of control but made poor decisions. I learned many lessons nevertheless.

i learned how to be more independent during the 7 months. i feel like i say this everytime, but i truly have. my stay in Korea brought me so much burden and emotions that I've never felt. I honestly felt the most stressed and under pressure since being born. (this is dramatized i definitely went through worse, but at the time this is how i felt) i started to doubt everything about myself and the relationships I had. this month I'm taking a step back from everything and I'm just trying to figure everything out. there's moments when i feel like i got it but soon i feel like nothing has improved. but that's just something i have to be patient with and i know everything will soon be ok.

even though my self-confidence went down since the last update, I'm also ok with it because i know ill feel confident about myself again soon. working on myself used to feel like a chore or an impossible mission. but now i enjoy it and i find myself actively trying to better myself. and I'm proud of myself for it.

my third year of college is starting soon and i am both terrified and excited. I'm excited to meet people for the first time in my life and the determination i feel to go out there and converse with others is...just so weird.

but i enjoy this feeling. third year here i come. please be gentle with me.

[helpyeungrowup]

good bite

contents: body dysmorphia, eating disorder, health

my relationship with food has never been good.

body dysmorphia has been something that I have just been living with since forever, and to be completely honest there was never a time when i liked how my body looked.

the physical pain or feeling of hunger is something that i don't feel often, which leads me to forget meals or just forget the whole day. so eating to me was (and honestly still is) a chore, i didn't find much satisfaction ever since i was a child.

rumors spread in middle school that i was anorexic...i don't know who started the rumor and i don't know how it came about but once it did start to circle my mind started to focus even more on my body. instead of being upset at the person who made the rumor and the classmates that believed it, i was upset with myself. i thought "if i didnt look like this no one would've said anything"

numerous diets, numerous workouts, healthy and unhealthy i did everything and anything i could.

and i regret that.

i feel sorry to the younger version of me who had to go through hating herself and wanting to look "presentable" for others. i didn't want to be an eyesore to others, being an eyesore to myself was more than enough.

fast forward to my sophomore year when i started having stomach pain and indigestion after every meal

one month passed and i lost 20 lbs without myself even knowing

biweekly doctor's visits sometimes even more frequent, monthly bloodwork, physical therapy, planned out diets from a nutritionist...nothing worked.

here i am....going into my second year of college still dealing with stomach pain.

the periods when im under stress, eating is the last thing i do. the stomach pain turns into the feeling of throwing up and food doesn't appeal to me at all. i would rather write a 5-page essay than eat.

my pain automatically made me see food as a bad thing...even more than before.

dont get me wrong, at times when I'm happy or when I'm content i see food and think "oh that looks so good i want to eat it"

i enjoy baking but only because of the feedback and praise i get from others.

seeing the joy that food gives to others is one of the many things that i am envious of.

i wish i could feel happiness and pleasure when i eat and i wish i could eat until i feel completely full.

but instead i have to calculate how much to eat and what to eat and what i should avoid.

i still have hope though!

my first year in college i found friends that help me see food as a good thing, they're the people who keeps me in check and would remind me to eat. I'm not as afraid to eat anymore and its nice to feel the excitement before a meal.

my relationship with food is still a bit...rocky but i think that's ok because my relationship with my own body and my own emotions is still being worked on and i don't plan on stopping. even though listening to myself is cringe and embarrassing, i have one body and i have to love it and cherish it.

i have to stop hating myself. giving myself attention is the most foreign thing to me but I'm sure not only will i be thankful for it in the future, but also everyone around me will be too.

and this is all something that i realized...while writing this lol.

honestly these past few weeks have been a living hell for me, the month of June and the month of July has been dog shit and i cried everyday just like my highschool nightly routine.

im still trying my hardest to be as positive as i can be but rn its just too much energy to be positive and i think maybe its ok to be sad and a bit more mellow than usual.

my default when i become sad is to be a hermit in my room and shut down all forms of communication with everyone, but this time around I'm asking for help.

in the end, i think i learned that its not good to be completely selfless. its needed to tend to yourself and at times be selfish. taking care of my own body, mind, and soul is a journey but its a journey that i am willing to go through and its also a journey that i dont plan on soloing.

[helpyeungrowup]

a glimpse into one of my anxious fits

im back

and while i was gone quite a lot happened.

the journaling challenge went downhill but with that my mental state also went down

i experienced a near death experience but that's for another post for another day

i fell into a slump and it's so hard to get back up but i can feel myself slowly get up and I'm proud of myself for that.

today's post is just a copy and paste from what i typed for my spam post but i typed too much that i couldn't post.

but i think it is better if this was added to my tumblr.

i get asked "what goes through your mind when you're anxious or when you feel an anxiety attack coming" and honestly it differs. It really just depends on how bad my anxiety is and whos around me, but this is one scene just to help you step into my life for a brief moment.

though I would like you to step into a moment of my life where I'm happy and not anxious...i think it would be fun if you walked in my shoes at a time when I'm the most vulnerable and hopeless.

i hope this story doesnt change the way you see me and please don't pity me.

so lets take a deep breath *breathe in 1...2...3... breathe out*

ok enjoy!

thoughts thoughts thoughts 

feelings feelings feelings 

but no way to verbally say them out loud 

memories of the ups and downs of life is always exciting to reminisce about but when you go too far into reminiscing you fall into immense feelings of vulnerability, humility, and…guilt. 

then you start to blame yourself about how you think. you tell yourself that your mindset is all wrong but then you realize it’s the mindset that armored you throughout your emotionally draining and traumatic past…and then you feel like you’ve lost some type of life battle. you’ve won and fought through your past but now that your surroundings have changed and you’ve gained knowledge and age…you’re independent mindset is hurting you and it may potentially hurt the most important people around you. and then at this moment you wonder “what do i do? what can i do?” with ur palms sweating from the anxiety and the realization that your palms are sweaty makes you think your palms are sticky and gross and everything around you is bothering you because everything seems off by a millimeter and your mind starts to spiral and now you feel like your whole body is shaking and so you run to the restroom to wash off the stickiness just to find yourself hovering over the toilet because you feel like you’re going to throw up all of your organs. 

plop. plop. plop. 

you turn to look at yourself in the mirror and you go “you’re being dramatic. stop.” 

you wipe off the tears. you wash your hands…twice maybe three times. fourth for good measure. fuck it. until all the moisture in your hands is gone and you can see the wrinkles clearly on your palms.

you check to see if the redness around your eyes disappeared and then you walk back acting like nothing happened. 

just like nothing happened. 

and you sit back down. 

reminiscing about your damn past that’s ruining your body at that moment while you feel your heart beat faster and harder. 

badump…badump…badumpbadumpba-

you take a deep breath

drink water… but you let the water just sit in your mouth until it gets warm then it’s disgusting and your effort to calm down worsens a bit 

and you find temporary comfort in a hug

no words. just a hug. 

comfort because the person with you loves you and you love her.

temporary because when you let go the thoughts and feelings rush back like a wave. 

you drown back into your anxiety. 

after a few moments have passed the tide falls low and you don’t feel as bad anymore but you fall tired. 

your night ends with your body feeling like an empty shell and all you can do is anticipate the next wave of anxiety to pull you in and trap you. 

and scene.

also move to heaven is a really good drama i recommend it! do note that its not a light and young drama like business proposal.

ok bye bye i hope you enjoyed the anxiety <3

[helpyeungrowup]

wk 10

tis week 10 of my winter quarter.

the flowers are blooming, the bees are out for blood, and the students are running to libraries to prep for their exams.

ah week 10

ah the end of the quarter

ah...my crippling grades and my gpa that is on life support

and here I am:

second floor of the science library typing up a storm for my tumblr with my long dark red stiletto shaped acrylics.

here, let me step back and describe what's going on in the third person.

________________________________

a tired girl you see, burnt out...but she's trying her best to look alive, she's trying as best as she can.

you can see her walk out of her building, caballo, with washed out red hair and a harsh root line of black virgin hair on top.

red.

red is her favorite color and sometimes she makes it into her whole personality.

since her freshman year started, she grew a stronger attachment to the color red, the dark garnet red. not the vibrant almost pink red, though she does like that red.

red nails, a red hydro, a red keychain with an annoying bell that jingles with her every step, and though you cant see...red toenails and she also just so happens to have red panties on.

shes burning up....quite literally.

with the gray bose headphones that she prefers over her airpods, she decided to wear jean shorts and a burnt orange tank but covered herself with an oversized gray sweater.

the gray sweater that her friend gave her. the gray sweater that she grew an emotional attachment to. the gray sweater that reminds her of her friends back in texas.

she walks with one purpose and that purpose is to arrive to the science library without embarrassing herself.

to do so she pulled her straightest most "I don't care" face...but that face also scares people away... an rbf they call it.

she arrives to the science library and meets up with her friends sitting at the table she dreads the most.

the tall long table with the tall chairs that she cant even reach.

the moment she sits down she drops her water bottle cap,

embarrassing.

she switches her music from korean ballads to beebadobe, specifically cologne, and as she writes what she thinks she looks like from another person's point of view she is extremely confused as to how she got here.

✨and scene✨

________________________________

ok but in all seriousness, looking around and seeing so many people so productive and studious makes me feel sick to my stomach.

right after I typed that I see a girl passed out right in front of me but sleeping is STILL PRODUCTIVE

oh no my phone's broken. why doesn't my data work 🧍🏻‍♀️

like if the school wifi isn't working plz let my data work

its giving phone addict/gen z/ipad kid

but anyways

yea. sick to my stomach. because I feel like I'm not doing enough or I'm not fulfilling my tasks as a student as well as I should.

i feel like I could be a better student?

same with relationships but we wont get to that today

speaking of stomach sickness

the pain is back.

and its honestly so terrifying.

i told one person that its back but I never told him how scary it is.

i didn't say because if I said it out loud then its real, it really did come back. it also just tells me that I'm back to being weak. and you know thats one of my fears.

its painful and I don't know how to deal with it

i remember when he told me that he wishes that i could find a cure.

the moment i heard him say that i didn't know what to say and i felt thankful, thankful that he cares about me, but i felt bad too, i felt bad that he has to deal with the burden of trying to help me when he doesn't even fully understand what I'm going through.

thats the worst type of pain.

just waiting and hoping for your person to feel better.

but who knows maybe its just me stressing a lot again.

but then if thats the case ill be stressing over destressing

ah i don't even know

but anyways

see u later, sorry this post is everywhere my brain is just working too fast

love u 💌

[helpyeungrowup]

the absence of a childhood

validation from my parents was the driving force behind everything.

my grades, my achievements, my whole personality.

as a child i was forced to do things that no one really did in my school

sundays i had church, bible study, korean school, and then soccer

mondays were my free days but i still had tutoring....except my tutor was my own mother so that was great

tuesdays golf for 2 hours

wednesdays violin 2 hours, choir 3 hours, church

thursdays golf 2 hours

fridays violin 2 hours

saturday early morning church and piano for an hour

all with school homework to finish by thursday or friday

everything planned out by father, practice and tutor controlled by mother...school homework done by me.

me and my broken english

me and...no friends.

i had no time for friends

i worked so hard so early in life that my core childhood memories are just extracurricular moments or crying over math (something I still do to this day)

once i became of age to take care of kids younger than me (which was at around 8-9) i had to take over and take care of kids because of the shortage of workers at church.

my schedule was so packed and busy that i always had something to do, I was so busy I didn't have the time to think about my emotions

until family issues started to arise

father went into an emergency heart surgery and had to resign from his job

mother was so stressed and overwhelmed that she cried every day of every moment of the day and eventually went back to korea for some time

on top of all of this, my parents nearly filing for a divorce...

everything was falling apart

everything...everything at the age of 8.

by 5th grade my emotions started to fade away and i started to feel numb

this was my depression era.

i did not feel anything, i did not feel like doing anything, everything was a chore, everything was a bother

but in front of my parents, everything i saw was surrounded with sparkles

i wore a mask when i was out in public or with my parents

but when i was alone, in my true self, everything was shattering

all my achievements, all my memories, all my beliefs felt meaningless

i. hated. life.

growing up with exposure to the real world really helps with the maturing process

with no childhood and having to deal with bullshit from grown-ass adults, i was able to mature mentally at the ripe age of 10!

at the age of 10 i also learned the idea of "friendships are temporary", i moved to a different area because my parents did not want me to be associated with "the hood"

this was in fact borderline classist, but my elementary school was one of if not the poorest elementary in the district.

but anyway,

when i got into middle school, i quit everything.

everything but violin since i was forced into orchestra.

6th grade me not knowing how to deal with the new setting and new people i started to have a temper

anger issues

this was delinquent christina era, or it was just me trying to seem tough so that no one can mess with me

anger issues simmered away (thank god) after 6th grade but i was still delinquent christina up until 8th grade

however i again had to move schools

high school was hell.

trauma, abuse, not being able to "fit in"

the reason behind my good grades was to get validation and attention from my parents.

validation and attention from my parents because they stopped giving me those things after elementary.

they came to my orchestra concerts but near the end, they stopped attending

they never came during lunch to eat with me despite promising that they would

they promised multiple things and none of those promises happened

in 8th grade, i was left alone in texas to live with my friend while my parents moved to korea

"you just have to endure this for 5 months and you can move to korea with us"

my dream was to move to korea. i was so ready to move to korea. i endured the 5 months.

they came back saying that i couldn't live in korea, just simply "you wouldn't be able to live"

they thought i was too weak. they thought i wouldn't be able to catch up in class because i "think too slow".

to prove them wrong i got all a's in my classes in high school

i enrolled in the higher classes, honors, ap, dual credit

dance, business information management...

i even joined rotc as a deal with my dad

if i joined rotc for a year then i can take cosmetology: the only class that i was genuinely interested in

rotc was a mistake.

i met people that i didn't have to meet

because of them i hated myself even more

because of them relationships are terrifying

i endured pain, i overworked myself all for

validation

and

attention

i did everything for the wrong reason, i did everything to prove my parents wrong, to make them feel proud of me, for them to trust me.

i ruined my body due to the stress i went through...

seeing any sort of medication, blood tests...makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry

but now

I'm doing things for myself

i dropped out of stem despite my parents nagging me to go back

I'm happier

i feel more confident in myself

I'm learning about myself

I'm having the fun that i didn't have in my childhood when i should've had fun

I'm becoming a better person

a better...✨warrior✨

yeah.

im learning about the true christina.

[helpyeungrowup]

spiraling

trigger warning: concepts of consent, borderline r@pe, abuse, toxic relationships

_____________________________________

octavia butler's bloodchild is a story about a human living in a world where humans and an alien species (the tlic) live together harmoniously.

..."harmoniously".

in this world the men are the ones who have to bear children...tlic eggs to be exact.

not every man is capable however, the government choose who is most fit to be the host of the eggs.

this whole concept of tlic birth reminds me of a parasite and host relationship. harmonious and symbolic, especially to the story, but wrong in the eyes of modern society.

this story includes concepts of gender roles, toxic masculinity, femininity, the fear of vulnerability, the fear of pregnancy, etc.

there are so many concepts and ideologies that butler touches on, but the most traumatic and terrifying section of the story is when Gan (the human) starts to question his assigned tlic (T'Gatoi).

Gan knew T'Gatoi since birth, her and his mother were childhood friends. Gan was chosen to host T'Gatoi's eggs even before he was born. Gan accepted this, and was honored and prideful to be a host...until he witnessed a gruesome labor of the tlic eggs.

he started to question what T'Gatoi was, he started to back away from her.

did she like the taste of human blood? does she feel any remorse towards the man who is about to die while the tlic eggs are bursting inside of him about to devour him alive?

what will his fate be?

he didn't consent to this.

he starts to fall into a spiral of fear and betrayal.

he didn't consent, he didn't agree to bear T'Gatoi's eggs.

"someone else, she should choose someone else...no. i don't want to hurt someone else. i don't want her in me...."

this realization that Gan had reminded me of myself during my first relationship. not even. my first and second...maybe even my third.

the realization that everything you did was because of fear and there was no consent to anything you did is terrifying.

'they took advantage of you. you were too naive. too young. you were only fourteen....freshly turned fourteen. you didn't have to do that. you were only fifteen. stop. no. say no. stop.'

"fuck I cant-i cant read this anymore. i cant-"

my body started to tremble, my eyes started to lose focus, my mind was spiraling, my hands came up and grabbed my hair from the roots, my legs were coming in close to my body, I was sitting in a fetus position, stuck.

everything around me didn't exist.

before I knew it I was spiraling and no one was there to stop me.

this moment was so familiar to me.

dealing with panic attacks alone.

but wait...where is he? I'm in his room. wh-where is he?

no. he has work to do. he has work that is more urgent and more important than your stupid thoughts.

suck it up.

don't cry. you don't need to cry, what will crying do?

keep reading. stop being a bitch.

i cant.

i..cant.

at this point, my whole body was trembling.

tears were swelling in my eyes but I refused to let them fall.

i didn't notice him.

i didn't notice that he was right in front of me until he grabbed both my arms and sat next to me.

no words were needed.

i wasn't alone anymore.

suddenly I just break down.

tears streaming down, nose clogged up, still trembling, the feeling of fear that I was ignoring swallowed me whole.

his arms wrapped around me, his shoulder was ready to catch my head and tears. his presence was enough.

"I'm here"

that's right.

he's here.

I'm not alone anymore. I'm not in a relationship where I'm treated like an object anymore. I'm not in a relationship where my feelings aren't considered. I'm not in a relationship where I was constantly being gaslighted.

deep breaths. take a deep breath.

phew ok. calm down.

finish the story, you can do this, he's here, the past is in the past.

you. can. do. it.

i finished the damn story, cried a little more, finished the assignment, and spent the rest of the night with him.

in his arms I fell asleep.

with a warm kiss still lingering on my forehead

and an I love you echoing through both our minds.

_____________________________________

if you're going through a tough time, or if you just want someone to talk to feel free to message me.

if you just stumbled upon this post and you feel like it'll be weird if you messaged me its ok if you don't know me, strangers are easier to talk to.

you matter.

your emotions, thoughts, and presence are all valid.

you deserve to be here.

[helpyeungrowup]

in close proximity

im back home after about a month and a half. it still feels foreign, but better than winter break.

i tried to catch my parents up about what i was up to and my friendships.

unconsciously i told them stories about the boys more than the girls. obviously because i spend more time with the boys than i do with the girls.

i feel more comfortable with them and more at peace with them, and that's something i don't think i can really control.

suddenly mother started to tell me to keep distance from the boys.

i didn't understand why she was telling me to do this, i thought "i told you stories about the boys for one day and you're telling me to distance myself from the friends that i feel most comfortable around?"

then she mentioned a past friend of mine and how her whole personality switched 180 after her break up with her boyfriend.

i thought, "this is different though...this is a group of boys, sure one of them is more than just a friend, but she 1-doesn't know and 2-wasn't talking about him"

now im in front of my laptop typing away in a state of confusion and desperation.

confused as to what i should do

desperation to know the answer

anxious and scared that i opened up too much to the boys and i will soon have to deal with what i put myself into.

surely they won't hoe me and push me away...right?

the mentality that hurt me my whole life started to creep back.

i kept hearing a voice saying that i did in fact open up too much, they know too much, they're going to use all the information they know about me to hurt me.

my past traumas and experiences started to creep back up.

"fuck why am i so caught up in the past."

"why cant i just move on."

as of right now,

my gut is saying that they won't hoe me...so i'll trust my gut.

mother pulled up a memory that i didn't want to remember and compared it to something that i treasure, so of course it will bother me and scare me.

but ill try my best to ignore it.

[helpyeungrowup]

to: u

i have the best friends ever.

i love them and i miss them so so so much.

that is all.

i love u friends <3

[helpyeungrowup]

a cup of milk and honey please

warm and sweet like an embrace.

its smth we all need, every season of every year.

i desire to be the person who brings innocent happiness and comfort to others like a warm cup of milk and honey.

[helpyeungrowup]

merry christmas! happy holidays! what are your plans for this winter break?

hello!

merry christmas and happy holidays!

so far all i have on the agenda is to visit san diego >.<

i think i'll just be at home getting lots of rest and catching up on my shows for the majority of the break!

on top of that i'll be religiously wearing my headphones either listening to music or talking to my friends through the phone.

im already missing everyone </3

[helpyeungrowup]

the end of season 1

its finals week.

its the last week of the first quarter of my first year.

lately, life hasn't been as rough...er more like i just learned to live with my demons.

i was able to find people who i feel comfortable with and have fun with.

i learned and came to terms that the ultimate goal that i thought was best for me just isn't the one for me. i realized that my desire to be a dermatologist was formed by my own fear and trauma.

i learned that it's ok for change to happen and that it's better to find my joys for my hobbies.

i learned that it's ok to not go into medical.

i learned that school is supposed to be fun and interesting.

through these few months i learned a lot of things, i learned a lot of things about myself and came to terms with a lot of my past traumas.

of course, my inner demons will be there to trip me up but i hope someday i will be able to have a cup of tea with them.

on the flip side, how are you?

where's life taking you right now

its ok if you feel weak, no one can stay strong all the time.

i miss u, i love u

-christina

[helpyeungrowup]

nightfall

recently, my mood has been more on the sorrow...sentimental side.

i mean i've always been a sentimental person, but once i got here its been "worse".

and the feels always hit at night-hence the title

maybe its the sudden change?

the different people?

today is the last day of week 4 and as each day passes by i miss my friends back in texas more and more

the stable relationships i've made with them, im afraid to lose, and the stable relationships im making right now with my friends here...im afraid i'll lose

it's now week 5.

i met a new friend who is so similar to me that its scary...idk i just wanted to update that i got a new friend lol

my mind has been floating around here and there, head in the clouds but just with a crap ton of endless thoughts.

i dont know how to end this entry because my mind is doing the traveling-to-another-universe-thing right now.

i miss...being happy.

[helpyeungrowup]

fears

fear.

what are you afraid of?

going into a ridiculous amount of debt and then having to play a game to your death like squid game?

insects...spiders like ron weasley?

the dark?

losing someone you love?

just...death in general?

mine is...getting sick.

there's also going under anesthesia, losing the people i love, thunder and lightning...but getting sick is #1.

but isnt that funny?

i get sick often. im a pretty weak person...so shouldn't getting sick just be...normal?

everytime i feel a physical pain i feel like i'm disappointing someone... i dont know who, i dont know why.

maybe im frustrated towards myself for being so weak, maybe i feel guilty for making my parents worry

but even though we feel scared, hopeless, frustrated, and lonely

we overcome.

there's days when you smile and laugh, but that cannot be everyday and thats natural and thats ok

as long as youre enjoying life through each moment, learning about your boundaries and personality and who you are...i think we're succeeding.

we got this.

hwaiting

and

good luck.

[helpyeungrowup]

new beginnings are scary

school is back in session. finally.

the first few days felt like heaven, i felt like a whole new bitch. socializing like i've never socialized before. it was like the turning point of a high school movie where the main character starts getting out of their shell. it was exhilarating.

...up until the first day of school. thursday, sep 23

11:00 am

my first college class ever. chemistry. a subject that i love and im quite fascinated by. the class was boring, (i fell asleep) it was boring because the professor used up all 80 minutes to talk about himself.

the last 5 minutes finally came around...but my hands started to shake, my heart started beating fast, and my breathing pattern became short and fast. i was trying to calm down and pretend that nothing was happening since i was surrounded by people to my left, to my right, in front, and behind me. (it was like a rave but without the cute guys and hot girls...or ig u could say packed like sardines but thats too mainstream). thankfully i had a keychain that i could hold onto to distract myself, but the moment prof. blake dismissed us i shot up and nearly ran out of the lecture hall. (i for sure looked like a girl having an anxiety moment but...lol) thankfully the campus here at uci is beautiful, so seeing the trees and feeling the nice breeze helped me tremendously.

7:00 pm

i was at a bonfire at corona del mar (which is beautiful by the way the moon was red and it was v romantic, however i failed to land a kisson a cute gentleman) overwhelmed by the amount of people who showed up.

i felt disgusting, i felt like hiding, i felt like crying.

the next few hours felt like 2% of what i think hell would feel like. (lmao) thankfully there was a friend who helped me feel better and stayed with me the whole night. mf took care of me like i was his 20 year old cat that was blind, deaf, and all of the above. (thank u ethan)

now fast forward to last night at midnight

i've been holding in my tears the whole week because of the very toxic and stupid #1 boy's rule "you cry you weak".

but man...that night i cried. i cried like a bitch. i cried like a frustrated 3 year old that couldn't open a yogurt lid. it was embarrassing, humiliating, absolutely sickening.

afterwards, i felt weak. i didnt want to go back to my room. i just wanted to sleep in the study room i was at, but i picked myself up and did the whole night routine (like a bad bitch).

now as i type this short log, i feel proud and i know that i have a whole grand canyon to go over. but...ITS OKAY!! i got this. you got this. we got this.

good luck.

i love you.

[helpyeungrowup]

it’s been quite rainy and gloomy these past few days, I hope everyone is safe and dry

recently a friend of mine lost someone who is very special and close to her, and when I heard the news i honestly didn’t know what to do.

i knew of this person, i knew he was outgoing, i knew he loved to travel. we shared a few words and came to know each other, but i was not able to become close enough to be his friend.

however…

at that moment my brain stopped and a flood of different emotions came rushing in. im not entirely sure why, i also don’t know whether it was sadness, panic, guilt maybe? but i did feel a moment of emptiness.

i respected this person and at school i always was envious of him. i wished i was as outgoing, friendly, and popular. years later when i attended a party i finally got the chance to meet him and talk to him…except i suddenly got nervous and shy. i did exchange a nice conversation, shared laughs, talked about our plans for the future, and went crazy over our similar interest in music.

and those few words shared were enough to make me happy throughout the night

i will cherish the short moments i shared with him. his smile, voice, personality, and generosity. I’m thankful i got the chance to meet him and speak to him.

the moment i felt empty i wondered why. why am i feeling this way? i’m not entirely sure why, but the thought of his absence in the future parties and hang outs makes me feel sad.

the last thing we said to each other was “see you again!”

we bid farewell, but it wasn’t a definite goodbye.

when I think of him, i see a beautiful garden and a white circular outdoor table with chairs around.

i see him laughing along with his friends, just as I have been seeing him at school, gatherings, and celebrations.

i pray for my friend, her family, and friends at this time of mourning, I pray for peace and love.

i miss u

[helpyeungrowup]

sakura’s mom is so pretty 🥲

ms nadeshko ma’am plz give me ur secrets 🧎🏻‍♀️

[helpyeungrowup]

8 july, 2021

an uneventful thursday...

i did realize that the modern day tumblr girl is basically a vsco girl while i took a trip to the water closet.

i also realized that I can use a knife quite skillfully but only when im thinking about anything BUT cutting. which...is dangerous?

fun fact: pink used to be my ultimate favorite color until around the age of 10 when i entered my "cool tomboy" phase...i then just recently started liking pink again at the ripe age of 18 thanks to those "kawaii gamer" tiktoks...but they seem to be going too far with the "kawaii" its repulsive but cute at the same time.

(the vendetta-against-pink-phase is funny because my ultimate favorite color for a while was red...a very saturated pink in other words.*awkward long pause* red is still my favorite color.)

i have a really strong urge to spell color like colour but teachers try to "correct my spelling" but ???? there are multiple ways to spell a word.

co-lour. gr-ey.

but anyways- how do you pronounce caramel?

• car-mal?

•ca-ra-mel? i say it like this

how about pecan?

•pee-can? i say pee can. lol pee pee.

•pe-cahn?

•pi-can? v british of you if you say it like this

oh im rewatching goblin with bestie fool and even though i watched that drama twice its still so good *chef's kiss* a masterpiece.

the osts are amazing and the acting and the color scheme throughout each scene...everything.

i believe that is all for now!

adieu~

anime: cardcaptor sakura (100/10 so good i love sm)