herdeardiaryy

[herdeardiaryy]

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hi.

i know i don't owe anyone an explanation with regards to deactivating my social media accounts for 2 months already, but i wanted you to know about what happened to me, and why i decided to shutdown for a while.

i'm rinnah, 28 yrs old, and i'm living in KSA for going 2 years already. i flew here to keep my promises not only to the CEO of the company that i'm currently in, but also my promise to my father. it was 3 years ago when my parents observed my life after my breakup, and they told me that it is not getting better. they told me that even though the breakup was a long time ago, but i'm still looking at nowhere and cannot find my jolly face at all, that's when my father decided that they will give me 3 months to be better and if nothing happens, i will go to my sister in Riyadh, that obviously why i'm here now. i went to Riyadh in December 2022 as a Family tourist, i gave up my work in the Philippines as a Tax and Compliance for the promise that I approved of. When I was here last 2022, my sister's boss, and now my boss, knew that I came already on their country and invited me to his office, he talked to me first in a casual thing and drove into a professional question. until it come up on the situation where i need to choose between to positions which is operational position or data analysis, of course that time, i don't have work and decided to choose data analyst position.

a month later, my sister, her family, and i flew back to the Philippines and i promised the CEO to come back after how many months. but then something happened to my father and my stay in the Philippines got extended. When I assured that my father has been recovered, i decided to come back, though it's very painful, but i need to keep my promise and at least to provide some money for my father's medication. i came back in KSA last june 2023.

i can say that my stay here at first was a smooth thing, i did not feel any signs of homesickness because i always talk to my family everyday, and i can stay and live alone without getting attention from the others. not until my last months here, which is 3 months ago.

i can honestly say that i've dated 2 different nationality in my stay here (not at the same time), both of them i met at the office, of course. first was a Saudi, though the communication is quite hard but i can manage anyway, but what i find unnecessary is our time of talking, i ended up with him because i want someone to be there or talked to (though that time i have people that i called "friends") privately, but i can say is he is a good person. the second person was a Jordanian, the care and attention that i was looking was met on this person. but it is just a temporary relationship because his family was already looking for a muslim wife for him. i know some of the people will asked me why i settled for the situation like this, but my answer will always be "i don't know." we were good for each other that time until we decided to be just friends. yes, i stayed up until that set up.

by these times of my life, my so-called-friends knew about some of the details about these people. if they asked me, i will answer in a short way, but i never told them the whole story. i told them because i wanted them to feel that i'm fine, and in where am i going, and they informed me at first to tell them where will i go so that they will be notified. they treated me as a younger sister before, and i fully trusted them that time.

something happened on last december 2024, i was informed by someone that i am spreading a news about me and the Jordanian. my "friends" even informed that person that the news that i'm spreading was about us (the Jordanian) having s**. no one informed me about this except that person, and i remember i was crying out in the office bathroom for like 30 minutes. i don't know what to do, but i end up messaging my sister (which is in Germany now). to make the story short, they framed me that i'm spreading a news about my relationship and those "friends" informed someone and not informed directly to me.

i stopped talking to them when this thing happened, i got mad of course, it takes a lot of motivation for me to confront the person who started the fire, in my 28 years of living here, this was the very first time that i confront a person, and when that happened, it ended up blaming me for everything, even if she mentioned some things that i never knew existed. that night, after the confrontation, i packed my things and moved to another accommodation immediately. after this, i tried my best to stay as professional as i am at work, i can still fail sometime, but i tried to put my chin up and say nothing, and cry when i get home. i shutdown my world in an instant, and when the Jordanian decided to stop talking to each other, i just say yes. painful? more than you could ever imagined.

until now i can still hear them saying things about me in the office, or reminiscing those situations turning into a joke in the office so that i can hear them being proud of what they are doing, and decided not to do anything about it at all. after confrontation, i decided to silenced my mouth, my surroundings, that also came up with a plan to temporary shutdown my social media. i am only talking to my bestfriends in the Philippines and to my family.

i've had enough already.

this situation made me completely decided to go back to the Philippines after my contract finished, because i find myself that i'm too soft for this kind of living. i know that this happened to me will make me strong, but i will not continue my journey for staying with these kind of people.

i've had a lot of life lessons when i've experienced it, lot of regrets, and lot of trust that has been vanished. i become more sensitive on those people, specially to my countrymen, really, i did not expect that i will experience the crab mentality of the filipinos, which i'm NOT very proud of.

so yeah, this is the story.

[herdeardiaryy]

to paul justin,

thank you for always listening to my rants when the people who are close to me is either sleeping or busy with their own lives. thank you for being there whenever i wanted to walk, and release all those heavy episodes that had happened & still happening to me. you know that you're the only person who saw everything i've been through.

paul, in this phase of my life, please be patient. i am alone here and i need you to just feel me, and up until now, you never fail to accompany me like this. i know you are in a peaceful place now and i want you to throw away all these things that bothers me. please understand my tears if cannot say a word.

until now i'm still learning from my experiences, and part of it is to heal myself from drowning. sorry if i'm still blaming and asking myself why these things should happened to me, so please, bear with me, justin. sorry for being soft hearted that everytime i remember it, i run to talk to you.

i always chose to share with you because you will just listen. i think that's the good thing of gaining an angel from above, so that whenever i feel alone, you're there in every places i go to. thank you so much, justin.

continue to rest in peace.

[herdeardiaryy]

severance, ling ma

[herdeardiaryy]

when you treat them as sisters because you wanted to have a caring sister, but end up doing the same as what you have experienced.

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[herdeardiaryy]

LORD,please, silence my thoughts so that I can hear Yours.

[herdeardiaryy]

Proverbs 4:25-27

Let your eyes look straight ahead;

fix your gaze directly before you.

Give careful thought to the paths for your feet

and be steadfast in all your ways.

Do not turn to the right or the left;

keep your foot from evil.

[herdeardiaryy]

In The Storm With Jesus - Part 1

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[herdeardiaryy]

she's fighting her demons day and night, saying "end your life"

she was closer to do it, again, instead she chose to fight it by sleeping.

she knows it will not fade, yet she knows that no one was interested.

funny? maybe.

maybe when we was about to asked, she will smile bitterly and said, "i'm fine," with her heart's drowning in pain.

[herdeardiaryy]

this week — a tough week

i know, i am not myself these past days. i barely smile, laugh, or even talk. when i got home from work, i just lay down and sleep, unproductive as we can say.

i don't even realized that on this phase of my life, i will still feel this same heavy feeling — the unknown. i get up everyday knowing that i have to pretend that i'm living my best life, even though i'm not. but look at me now, i survived.

i survived those days that i thought i will just look up to the sky and cry.

i survived those days that i thought i'd be drowning.

i survived those days that i thought staying alone would be appropriate to this feeling.

i survived, so far.

[herdeardiaryy]

probably it will be summer again by Catherine Pierce

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i’m a very observant person, so if you think i didn’t notice, i did. i just decided to keep quiet.

[herdeardiaryy]

I'll never forget who gave me a hard time when i was already having a hard time.

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[herdeardiaryy]