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And I'm stoned and I'm on a bus and I'm just like yer perfect yer perfect yer perfect

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Valeriia Karaman for Oh Comely magazine, flower tattoos by Verity Cumming

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Registration open now at SubmissivePlayground.com

Two months of fun, sexy, creative experiments designed for submissives—entirely online!

"The course is structured so that one doesn’t have to be in a D/s relationship (or any relationship) for it to work, that there are great readings & videos & discussions, that the homework is both thoughtful and dirty and consequently some of the *funnest* homework anybody’s ever given me." —Kat, player from the January session

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It's kind of weird.. Compared to like, 90% of the population of people my age, I have no picture evidence really of how and what my life is like. For someone who so enjoys nostalgia- it's almost insulting to future incarnations of myself not to provide anything to hang onto later. Best friends for a decade? Not that I need proof.. But that I don't have a photo to go back on our godawful pudgy middle school selves just getting through with each other. Past homes, friends, parties, partners, causes, work, roommates? Not really anything of that. Like it never happened. Living with you or you or you? 8 months now of knowing and wanting you?

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Because. When the person you are just so so smitten with throws pebbles at your window at 4:30 in the morning just to kiss you just because they were close by, even though you'd left them only at 11 or so, even when you'd had the pleasure of waking up beside them that morning, it is something you can always remember and smile at.

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V brief thoughts whilst listening to Tracy Chapman's 'fast car' There is a difference between the kind of love you feel afraid to leave, the kind of love you look at as something other than your lover. There's a cold comfort here, but when you see them just standing, and you are more than anything just pissed off that they are just so goddamn either miserable or insufferable or any number of things and you start to resent the look on their face.. but you know that you love them- and that you make that person feel special and happy and light up their life so somehow that is enough to block out the mean (but possibly true) things going through your head. Like your *love* can transcend their shitty personality, or yours. And then there is a kind of structure you can work to build out of respect. Love out of honest-to-goodness respect, admiration, eye-twinkling disbelief that there could be someone who fits you so well and (hopefully) treats you the same .. I cant right now

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Me. All the time.

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A letter I am not ready to send

I think about you constantly. How you may feel, what you are doing, how you may want me to be around, how you might not. The more I think, the more my anxiety tends to take over before I am lost in a sea of worrying what to say. I do not know how to separate monolithic crushes from my everyday life. I find it hard to appreciate that I 'have' you. That you're listening. That you care. I lose what to say- when all I wanna talk about are things like movies or real life or readings or things going on in your life and your life story and your 1, 5, 20 year plan and why and how you got there. and I actually have to plan out ahead of time the different ways I want to talk I and act around people and this is ALWAYS the case with me, so it feels almost normal but I feel like I'm constructing it to be or seem more appealing- which is irrelevant with strangers but hyper relevant with you. I'm worried it's gonna fall apart. I could go on and I could write you things and I could be your all american romance but I am afraid you will drop me the moment I let go. It's terrifying.

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“thank you for wearing matching bras and panties. I don’t know why this makes my life seem so perfect, but it does. “ 

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seriously seriously. this used to be my body and I hated it. 

I just find it so fascinating // can I be this fit again plz

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Okay so this is the last post I make about my 'starting point'. The scale reads 181.3 I am bloated from my period, there is a giant amount of food in me, and I just drank four glasses of water, and it's the end of the day. 20 pounds from being in my healthy-ish range, 30-35 away from looking how I wanna look. That's not so bad. I hope to be around 165 by the end of june. I have to go, go, go. I have 2 months. I hope to be within my healthy-range before Bluesfest. Bluesfest is in 3 months. Yeah, I can dig that. This is me, serious about committing to my health for the first time in almost 2 years and hoping my body reflects that. Fat positivity is amazing. And tons of fat people are active and eat well. I don't. My body doesnt like this weight. I don't like this weight. I don't like missing my own clothes. I don't like being worried I can't have short hair because of the roundness in my face. I don't like my new-found lack of confidence to wear shorts. I don't like being uncomfortable wearing pants because of the way they sit on my belly (although for this maybe I just need better pants...)

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Well here I am now. Twenty one and fatcalled. I think I'm pretty hot, but I still wanna see this body change. I miss my wardrobe terribly!! This is just too much tit

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okay so derek I know I don't rlly look like madonna in any way but r u sure I can't have short hair :( ?

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TEACH ME HOW 

Marilyn Monroe

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Fat

And what it means. Still fascinates and terrifies me. I can remember feeling so fat that nobody could love me at a BMI that was so close to 'underweight'. I can remember when I couldn't even except validation from perfect strangers, nevermind friends. I can feel like an alien inside of my body or a 'thin girl trapped inside of my body' if I felt like that but I don't and I never have. My body always belonged to me even when I hated it. And it's weird to stand in a mirror and look at my stomach, or shape, and try to love myself but I do. Which is more, sadly to say, than you. And I still hate that I think about your unneeded commentary every time I think about my body, especially when I always do it in a constructive way. I hate that you have to be there. These moments of self love and understanding are mine and I deserve them. I wish you could disappear from them. I am happy with myself at a size 12 even though most people cannot be. I am lucky. But even so, nobody has the change to take that away from me.

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Goodnight, everything

I feel like maturity is not-making-out-with-a-former-crush-despite-wanting-to-because-you-have-a-partner-that-doesnt-deserve-that. Nevermind that my worries about no-more-random-hooking-up worries me deeply about whether I am ready for a relationship of any caliber. I can worry about that when I am sober, and when we have talked. And I miss her, terribly. And all-systems-are-a-go for working on my essay and my health start SIGNIFICANTLY tomorrow. It's time, kaylee, get over your shit. Go. I will write my progress in all of these regards tomorrow, realistically probably in class. Whoops