herra-eddelkopper

[herra-eddelkopper]

Cass can read body language but she isn't psychic

Bruce isn’t a bad father. He’s trying. God, he tries.

He wakes up early to make sure the kitchen is stocked with what Alfred calls “whatever chaos food the children have decided they need this week.” He skims case reports while figuring out how to bake eggless muffins for Damian’s new dietary phase. He installs bulletproof windows in everyone’s rooms and tracks all their phones, not because he wants to be controlling—he just needs to know they’re alive. That’s all. That’s everything.

And still. Still, one of them storms off at least once a week. They say he’s cold. That he doesn’t listen. That he only cares when they’re wearing the suit.

Tim told him to his face, “You’re a better partner than a parent.”

Jason once said, “You love Gotham more than your own kids.”

Even Dick - the one who used to crawl into Bruce’s lap after patrol and ask to play with his grapple—told him during a fight last month, “I don’t even know what you want from me anymore.”

He knows they don’t mean it. Or at least, that’s what Alfred says when Bruce sits in the dark study with untouched whiskey and half a report blinking on his office computer. But Bruce hears them. Every word.

So he stops trying so hard. Just a little. Just to breathe. Maybe if he gives them space, they’ll stop hating him so much.

It doesn’t help. Damian slams doors. Tim avoids him. Jason doesn’t even come by anymore. Cass gives him disapproving looks. Duke smiles awkwardly and leaves. And Dick smiles and nods and stays for dinner and leaves so early it’s like he was never there at all.

So Bruce locks his bedroom door that night. He doesn’t turn the lights on. He sits on the edge of the bed and drops his head into his hands.

He doesn’t sob. He’s Batman, after all.

But the shaking gives him away. His shoulders hitch. His breath stutters. And when the first tear hits the scarred skin of his palm, Bruce folds in on himself and lets it come. Silent, steady.

[herra-eddelkopper]

“me when i lie” is the funniest way to call someone a liar the internet has cooked up thus far

[herra-eddelkopper]

Mini Prompt: Everyone needs to calm down

Batfam is convinced that Danny is a young clone of Bruce, and prepares themselves to have a new son/brother join the family. 

Bruce even goes above and beyond as he arranges a “play date” for Danny and Conner to meet. A way to show Danny that he’s not the only clone around, and that he will always be a part of the family. 

They do all of this before they actually confirm anything. Danny is not a clone. 

[herra-eddelkopper]

Mini Prompt: Everyone needs to calm down

Batfam is convinced that Danny is a young clone of Bruce, and prepares themselves to have a new son/brother join the family. 

Bruce even goes above and beyond as he arranges a “play date” for Danny and Conner to meet. A way to show Danny that he’s not the only clone around, and that he will always be a part of the family. 

They do all of this before they actually confirm anything. Danny is not a clone. 

[herra-eddelkopper]

EVERY-PARTY'S HERE!

ESPECIALLY KYOYA!!

[herra-eddelkopper]

it’s so funny to me that in a lot of fics after Tim’s parents die and he’s adopted and moved into Wayne manor, he still just… owns the mansion next door. like Drake manor is just right there, fully furnished and empty, fully inherited by Tim. and he just kinda leaves it there. probably forgets he owns it. how much do you wanna bet the others absolutely do NOT forget that next door is also owned by the family?

how much do you wanna bet that at least twice a month Bruce freaks the fuck out because Damian’s been missing for two days and eventually they track him down to find that he’d just walked over to Drake manor to avoid being told to help Alfred dust and then… couldn’t be bothered to walk back. figured that technically Drake manor could also be ‘home’ and made himself comfortable. is napping in Tim’s childhood bedroom when they find him and is completely unapologetic about eating the food in his kitchen.

how much do you wanna bet that Tim gets a call from the weekly cleaner that he totally forgot was being paid from his bank account to maintain Drake manor, only to be told by a slightly terrified cleaner that she tried to go in to mop the kitchen and found a fucking crime lord in nothing but sweatpants and his helmet, ranting to an ‘oracle’ about some kind of ‘drug drop off’ that he ‘needed off Batman’s radar’, because Jason was too tired to motorcycle all the way back to Crime Alley after a debrief but didn’t want to have to be around Bruce so he just kinda broke into Tim’s old house and has been casually chilling there for the past week while he worked on a case.

how much do you wanna bet that one time Bruce grounded Tim for two weeks and Tim was so annoyed about it that to be petty he snuck out and went back to Drake manor. Bruce was so fucking mad because Tim directly ignored his orders and he couldn’t even do anything about it because every time he brought it up he got loud claims of ‘yOU TOLD ME TO GO TO MY ROOM SO I WENT TO MY FUCKING ROOM, B, I DON’T WANNA HEAR SHIT FROM YOU-!’

how much do you wanna bet when eventually Tim can’t be bothered to deal with the insurance forms and he sells Drake manor, he mentions having to hand over his keys and instantly every single batkid starts digging around in their pockets and producing two or three keys to Drake manor because over the years they’ve all just kinda. been using it. whenever. Tim had no fucking clue they’d made keys. he’s so confused. it gets so much funnier when the next day Tim shows up to the estate agents to drop off his plastic tub of keys for the new owner and he fucking finds Jason Todd there ready to receive them.

“I make a lot of money in my line of work,” he says. “figured it was time for a summer house.”

“you hate being close to Bruce.”

“not as much as Bruce hates shoddy neighbours. i’m going to make his life hell.”

“you made me carry this box of keys for nothing.”

“yeah you can hand those back out actually, i really don’t care who goes in there.”

“I hate you.”

“Don’t be rude to your new neighbour.”

[herra-eddelkopper]

I haven’t said happy pride month yet, so happy pride people!! The struggles are temporary, your identity will last forever

[herra-eddelkopper]

[Picture ID: Empty speech bubble of Wayne Family Adventure's Alfred Pennyworth saying this]

I feel like a lot of people don’t quite get what a butler is. The role tends to get rounded off to ‘male servant’ pretty regularly in some media, whereas actually butlers are typically not just servants but chief servants. The butler was generally in charge of either all male servants or just all servants, period, in the household of an aristocrat or other very wealthy person. This meant that butlers have often been fairly powerful and influential people, and sometimes even had a manservant or two of their own.

(Also, fun fact: Mary Roberts Rinehart, the early 20th century mystery writer who is widely credited with popularizing the whole ‘the butler did it’ trope was nearly murdered by one of her own servants, a chef whom she had passed over for promotion to butler. He came at her with a pistol, but it jammed, allowing her chauffeur time to wrestle it away and restrain him.)

[herra-eddelkopper]

[herra-eddelkopper]

Realizing that squid have an ink sac and an internal shell called a pen so we’re living just a few short evolutionary steps away from calamarigraphy and honestly there goes the rest of today

[herra-eddelkopper]

Their facial expression says it all.

[herra-eddelkopper]

happy pride month to all the “weird” queers. The ones who use neopronouns, the ones who feel xenogenders fit them best, the ones who use micro labels that barely any people know, the ones that make their own flags. I love you, and you’re not “too weird” to be in this community.

[herra-eddelkopper]

Au where Batman doesn't want to tell the Justice League his secret identity but it's because he's really embarrassed about the things he's done as Bruce Wayne.

The thing is; Batman has spent years crafting and perfecting his public persona.

'Brucie Wayne' is supposed to be a dumber than life himbo, with daddy's credit card and the maturity of a seventeen year old. He's supposed to be someone so outlandishly ridiculous no one would ever even dare to mention him in the same sentence as Batman... And Batman has been acting that part perfectly.

It's a genius plan.

But then the league begins talking about maybe all sharing their secret identities, to become closer as a group and work better together. And the only thing in Batman's mind is 'Oh. My. God. Please don't'

Superman is saying something about trust and how he has come to value all of them as friends. Batman is thinking about last year Christmas' Gala, where he took off his clothes in an improvised strip-tease, and started swimming in the fountain.

Wonder woman is talking about how she wishes to strengthen their bonds so they become greater warriors. Bruce just remembered there's videos of him fucking twerking and pole dancing to Ariana Grande all over the internet.

Flash starts smiling and telling them he already trust them with his life– Bruce once said chocolate milk came from brown cows.

'Oh. My. God'.

There's just no way he's telling any of them.

[herra-eddelkopper]

Any time someone talks about further rearranging the letters in "LGBT" to make some sort of ideological point I can't help but be reminded of my uncle who thought he was fucking hilarious for calling it "the BLT community". Killed himself laughing at his own joke every single time he said it.

[herra-eddelkopper]

Batman: [notices a glowing green figure floating above a rooftop]

Batman: Hn, you again. [takes out a yellow power ring from his utility belt and uses it to snatch the GL's ring]

Batman: I've told you before, Lantern. Stay out of my-

*CRUNCH*

[Later, in the Watchtower medbay]

Batman: Wha happ'n? (What happened?)

Clark: You attacked a Green Lantern who's also a ten foot tall alien with rocks for skin. You're lucky Hannu only broke your jaw when he punched you.

Batman: He 'tck 'e! (He attacked me!)

Kyle: Only after you stole his power ring. Which, in case you forgot, is both a translation device and life support system. Earth's atmosphere is toxic to Ovacronians.

John: Not to mention, you were wearing the symbol and weapon of the Sinestro Corps, the literal archenemies of all Green Lanterns. According to intergalactic law, Hannu acted in self defense, and could sue you in a United Planets court if he wanted.

Batman: Why w'z he in Gth'm? I t'ld you no m'tas- (Why was he in Gotham? I told you no metas-) Hal: Hannu was tracking a Qwardian arms dealer. Who was only in Gotham because it now has a reputation as being a place where Green Lanterns supposedly cannot enter. You would've known that if you'd tried talking to Hannu instead of snatching his ring.

Clark: I told you that your "no meta" rule is ridiculous, Bruce. Not only is it blatant discrimination and hypocritical, it's clearly not having the intended effect.

Batman: Gth'm 's my c'ty- (Gotham is my city-)

Guy: Oh I'm sorry, did the US government transfer ownership of the biggest population center in New Jersey to a private citizen while I was in space? Are the people of Gotham paying taxes to you now? Just because you're the richest man in the city doesn't make it your own private kingdom!

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Bruce: *is dead again*

Dick: well this s-

Tim: *carrying a go bag* I can't believe this! I'm gonna put a tracker on him when I- oh hi Dick.

Dick: ...you don't think he's dead?

Tim: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ANYONE DIED! ok Alfred but at this point I think he's using this as a vacation from us but PAST THAT! Who ACTUALLY dies? Superman 'dies' every few years, Bruce keeps 'dying' hell YOU 'die' sometimes. Obviously Jason, Damian, Cas, Steph have all 'died', my friends have'died',BUT THEY COME BACK! everyone. comes. back. I'll be back when I find Bruce for the THIRD TIME! *slams door*

Alfred: *walking into the room* he's not wrong. Tea?

[herra-eddelkopper]

The comedic potential of Bruce being a college drop out and Damian having his med degree is endless. Can you imagine how many situations Damian can smugly go "one of us has the medical degree Baba, and it sure isn't you"