#alfred pennyworth

[timbit-robin-art]

Having the time of my life with Batman and Robin: Year One.

[faramirsonofgondor]

AU where the mayor of Gotham retires or dies or something, and the Batsiblings decide it would be funny if they ran for mayor. Except they don’t run as their civilian identities, but as they’re vigilante ones.

Dick won’t stop pouting because the people of Gotham refuse to vote for someone from Bludhaven, Tim is incredibly offended that he ends up tied with Dick for last place, Damian is smug that he beat Tim and indignant that people refuse to vote for him because he’s “a child”, and Jason preens but is internally panicking as more and more people vote for him. He wins by a landslide.

His first act as mayor is to increase Bruce Wayne’s taxes. His second is to ban Lex Luthor from entering the city. Someone tries to tell him it’s illegal to do that and he just… walks away. Eventually he starts to get a hang of this whole mayor thing and ends up working with Wayne Enterprises to strengthen housing and construction in poorer neighborhoods, he gives teachers raises, encourages trade school and alternative routes for henchmen, he adds diversity and inclusivity courses to public schools, safety programs and gas masks are made more accessible, and he reinforces the security and integrity of Arkham.

Of course there are still times where he misuses his power a little bit, but it’s never anything serious and most Gothamites watch in amusement as the scene unfolds.

Like just imagine:

Jason, dressed as RH: You’re not allowed in, you know what you did.

Dick, standing outside the Gates of Gotham, giving his best pouty expression in his Nightwing gear: Please, Hood! I promised Robin I would take him to the zoo after patrol!

Jason: You should’ve thought about that before you ate the last cookie Agent A made.

Dick, now wailing: This is abuse of power! Cruel and unusual punishment! I demand a lawyer!

Of course there are also the times when Jason decides to do something nice for his siblings, except it just ends up confusing the fuck out of everyone else in Gotham. On Dick’s birthday, he announces that there is now an Official Animal of Gotham, and most people are expecting a bat, or maybe a bird, or hell even a crocodile. Everyone except for Dick, Bruce, and Alfred are confused when it ends up being an elephant instead. Jason also decides to unveil plans for a Gotham Animal Sanctuary on the same exact day. Everyone is even more surprised when Nightwing jumps on Hood, entrapping him in an octopus hug as their mayor flails around trying to pry him off. It doesn’t work and Batman has to pick Dick up by the scruff of his neck to get him off.

There are also some of the odder, but somewhat sensible laws that are passed. Condiments are banned during the holidays and in schools (Condiment King could be heard sobbing throughout Gotham when this proclamation aired). No one is allowed to dress as clowns for any circumstance. The sewers are off limits to everyone except maintenance/construction workers, who must carry guns on them at all times. Lex Luthor’s birthday becomes Gotham’s Official “Fuck Lex Luthor Day”.

Then comes Jason’s most popular decision to date, he has The Joker reassessed mentally, and when he’s found as sane he pushes for the death penalty to be given (not that he really needed to - it was going in that direction already). He almost expects an angry lecture or fight with Bruce to occur, but Bruce just looks at him and says, quietly, “You’ve done a beautiful job, son, I couldn’t be more proud.”

[prlssprfctn]

I know the fandom mostly agrees that Jason is that one always unemployed sibling in the family, but let me offer you a slightly enhanced concept - unemployed sibling Jason, who is the busiest sibling in the family.

No one can get hold of him. Like, ever. And it is not like he is lying, he is genuinely always has something else to do! Something random and unexpected, and, honestly, all his family can think is: what the hell?

Bruce, frowning: Remind me again, why the dinner in the circle of the family today doesn't suit your... schedule?

Jason, shrugging: I have a book club evening in the nursing home. We are discussing Margaret Atwood's Penelopiad tonight. Can't miss it. Also, Jennet-

Alfred, confused: Who is Jennet?

Jason: One of the old ladies in the nursing home, duh... Anyway, yeah, Jennet is having a birthday. She would be hella mad if her favourite grandson missed it, you know?

Bruce: ...Jason, you are not her-

Jason: (leaves)

Dick: Hey, wanna join me for tomorrow morning's training?

Jason, sighs: Sounds nice, but I have classes tomorrow.

Dick, confused: Classes? Since when you are enrolled in college?

Jason: Oh, no. I am a substitute teacher in one of the school's around.

Dick: WHAT-

Damian, calling Jason in the middle of the day: Can you pick me up from school? Others are busy, there is an emergency in the town.

Jason: Damn, sorry, kid, but I am not in the country right now. By the way, do you want to talk with your mother?

Damian: ...What that supposed to mean? Where are you?

Jason: I was planning to visit All-Caste, but first decided to meet up with Talia. I am kinda in Egypt right now, anyway.

Damian: ...

Tim, already used to Jason's constant busy status, sighing: I bet you won't agree if I call you on the lunch tomorrow?

Jason: Uh, no. I have plans. But if you tag along with me, we can get lunch together later.

Tim, surprised: ...Okay. What do you have tomorrow? Knitting club? A shift in library?

Jason: Nah, graduation ceremony.

Tim: Right, you are a substitute teacher.

Jason: No, no. My graduation ceremony. I am getting my PHD in literature.

Tim: SINCE FUCKING WHEN-

[frownyalfred]

Random fic idea #73: Alfred Pennyworth isn’t just Bruce’s guardian after the Waynes die, he’s their “heir” temporarily until Bruce reaches adulthood, at least for the purposes of high society. He has to go to the events in their honor, shake hands, wear the fancy clothes and dazzle investors in their stead, all the while teaching Bruce how to navigate the waters of such a complicated world. Alfred becomes a socialite in Thomas and Martha’s stead, at their request, and this protects Bruce from undue attention before he reaches the age of majority. A “growing up in royal court” AU but for modern Gotham, as a “lowly servant” finds himself thrust into a glittering world with an innocent, traumatized child at his side and a legacy he must uphold for the next decade.

[thief-of-eggs]

Headcannon that due to diligently monitoring the Wayne family’s media image, Alfred is chronically online, and as such, is constantly dropping slang into conversation like-

(Over the coms)

Batman: Alfred, what’s the update on the Arkham situation?

Alfred: *Ahem* Unfortunately sir, it is as they say- ‘we’re cooked’

Collective groans from Tim, Dick, and Jason over the coms

Batman: …Huh?

Jason: *muttering* I knew I should’ve stayed outa this one…

Damian: I don’t understand, what are we cooking?

Alfred: It’s giving ‘failure era’, sir-

Dick: Damn it!

Tim: We really are cooked

Damian: What does that -?

Alfred: It’s lowkey not-

Batman: In English Alfred. Please.

Alfred: *Sigh* My apologies, sir. The Joker has escaped.

[xsunflowerscribbles]

"But you won't kill me, will you, Jeevesy ol' boy," the Joker says, and it is not a question. His rabid-dog grin is too big for his face, all sneering yellow sharps and flecks of blood and bone. He sounds absolutely delighted, but not in the way most men would if they were certain they were going to live to see the dawn.

"I think you'll find," Alfred Pennyworth says, in a voice ironed stiff by grief and propriety and the most well-concealed rage a man can muster, "that the Batman and I are quite different in that regard."

In the reflection of the valet's silver blade, the Joker's smile falters, a little.

The villain laughs. “The Chosen One cannot spill blood on holy ground. I have won!” You draw your blade. “The Chosen One died the first day of our journey,” you say. “A Valet may spill blood where he pleases.”

[arkangelo-7]

Alfred really told Bruce to shut the fuck up and stop complaining 😂

[noka-exe]

Damian Wayne comes across a classic christmas carol known well among the children of gotham… pt [1/?]

[batfsm]

He’s like this with all his children.

So is Alfred and even Dick when, after he gets over his jealousy, he sees his siblings.

Bruce, visibly overwhelmed by Emotions as he watches a ten-year-old Dick goofing around in the batcave: Alfred. Alfred I think I'd die if something happened to him

Alfred: *carefully doesn't say that he thought the same thing when Martha and Thomas placed a newborn Bruce in his arms for the first time because he knows that'll completely destroy the little emotional bandwidth Bruce has*

[ccccchepushilo]

I imagine alfred combed all the robins' hair in the middle section since they were kids (and they're still doing it) only damian's the only one who's been able to escape this fate

[prlssprfctn]

Alfred, who tries to punish little Jason for something he messed up with by using the same methods he used on Dick — aka. ground him, make him wash dishes and clean the house, or just watching some old reality shows with him — expect... it never works. Jason is actually fucking excited about all of these things.

Alfred: To my attention was brought a fact that you smoked with Commissioner Gordon again. Jason, stuttering: I mean- I- Alfred: Thus, you are punished. I expect all dishes to be cleaned by the time I return home. Jason, confused: Really? Alfred: Yes. Jason, beaming, because cleaning makes him feel better and helps to distract himself: Cool! Thanks, Alfie. Alfred: Excuse me?

Cut to Alfred, who stares in shock as he finds Jason actually enthusiastically washing dishes, while singing along with Whitney Houston.

Alfred: For this punishment, you will... be grounded. Jason: Oh, thank god, guys from school invited me to the cinema, but I didn't want to go, anyway. Alfred: ...And clean up the whole cave. Jason: I actually did this morning! But I can do another round of quick cleaning session if you want, Alfie. Alfred: ...And then you will watch another soap opera with me, lad. Jason, squealing: Cool!

Bruce, staring amusedly on Alfred and Jason, who sew Batman's and Robin's suits, while discussing the new episode of their favourite show: Al, I don't think that's a punishment for a kid... Alfred, frowning: Of course not. I am just spending time with my grandson. Bruce: Mhm-m. What about the punishment for your favourite broken vase? Alfred, who promised to punish anyone who did it this morning, because he thought it was Bruce, and not Jason, who accidentally knocked it off with the tip of his cape: ... Alfred: What vase? Jason: *beaming*

Alfred, solemnly: My boy. I am afraid, this time you truly need to serve your punishment in the order to understand your mistake. Alfred: No Jane Austen adaptations marathon for this Sunday. Jason, in horror: Alfred, no. Please. Alfred: Even more, you are obligated to go out on Sunday, and stay away from doing any additional homework. Jason: NO-O. Dick, who came for holidays, witnessing this for the first time: ... Dick: I think this kid is broken or something.

[frownyalfred]

Thomas Wayne, wringing his hands: “You know, I’m from Gotham — born and raised, Alfred. But Martha — she’s from Gotham. Do you know what I mean?”

Alfred Pennyworth, freshly hired with 0% of an idea what that actually means: “Certainly, sir.”

[incorrectbatfam]

What if none of it is real and it's just 8-year-old Bruce in a Little Match Girl situation

[batfam-is-a-feeling]

So I've seen a lot of Bruce fics noting how his kids aren't kids anymore and are growing up, but I want to offer you another point of view...

The batkids star noticed how they dad is getting old...

Like, everyone usually makes jokes about how Bruce is practically an old man, and all that, but sometimes they're just doing something and suddenly their dad looks so tired.

Tim always jokes about how everyone will leave Bruce with gray hair at an early age, but that week when he stopped to discuss a case, he noticed for the first time how Bruce's hair had many gray strands.

Bruce puts on some reading glasses because you can't spend all night looking at screens in the dark and expect your eyes to work the same. When Jason sees him, he's about to make a comment until his brain clicks. Suddenly, Bruce looks very old, and Jason feels his breath hitch.

Dick just did a risky stunt and Bruce catches him (because obviously he catches him. His dad always catches him) but Dick notices how when he gets up Bruce has to hide how he needs to stretch because of how his bones crunched when he caught him.

It's all these little things. The kids notice, and suddenly Batman isn't just an endlessly distant symbol. Batman transforms into Bruce, their father, who at some point won't be young enough to keep up with them...

(Anyway, sorry. If this is a mess, I can't speak English properly because I'm tired)

[icupblog]

Where did the party go? (batfam x neglected reader) TW: neglect, slight kidnapping

Gotham residents always said that the city could hollow your heart out, that if you lived there long enough you wouldn't care about how many homeless lived in that abandoned building, or how high casulties were every time the Joker got out of Arkham. But at least when gothamites went home they could cuddle up to their loved ones. At least they could have someone coddle them and ask them mundane questions like how their day was and talk about the weather. You on the other hand had no one.

Did you have a family, yes... but they weren't yours, in the sense of whether they would care if you left the house late or if they would come to a dance show you had because you had asked them to (they wouldn't)

So you spent your days working, grinding away at your schoolwork. because maybe Tim would be impressed if you got all A's on your exams, maybe Dick would notice you rather than just ignore your presence, maybe even Jason would give you some semblance of a smirk and tell you good job (you had lost hope for Damian).Oh, how you hoped to live up to your expectations, even for Barbara and Stephanie and they weren't even adopted.

Maybe you knew when you first entered the Wayne Manors beautiful gates that the house would be haunted by something, you just didn't think that something would be you.

You first entered the fiery gates of Bruce Wayne's home when you were 12 years old, unlike the kids that had come before you, you had actually reached double digits before making it to the dark knights home. (well the kids that were there at that moment in time).

The first time you met the man himself was after a funeral. You had just arrived at the Manor a day prior with Alfred escorting you to your room before you slept, and when you awoke there was pure brilliant silence throughout the mansion. It was so surreal you thought you were in a dream, you tiptoed down the massive staircase into the entrance of the house. The windows were slashed with a heavy downpour of thick unyelding rain, almost as if it reflected Bruce's own emotions. He opened the tall doors with superhuman ease (to a small twelve year old at least) and slouched his way into the manor, uncaring to whether his soaked clothes would get on Alfred's beautifully cleaned carpet. He looked up at you and held your gaze for an unseemly amount of time before sighing. You felt as though you should have said something, however upon seeing the man your throat closed up immediately. How could you do anything when just looking at him fills you with a strange foreign emotion? (fear)

When you were 12 you ignored the hints the family would sometimes give you that they were too busy. "Sorry name but I'm pre-occupied besides you're a bit old to ask for my help, right?" Dick would say while he would scroll on his phone. "Okay, uhm, see you around then," "Hey, I was wondering if you weren't too busy with paperwork the-" "No name I'm working got to Alfred if you need anything." "O-okay" Bruce would always be straight forward and blunt, he didn't care, no matter how hard you wanted him too. To him you were nothing more than a mistake a stain on his playboy image as one of his many escapades as Brucie Wayne ended with your mother getting pregnant. "Babs, can you help me with my computer?" "Have you tried switching it off and on again?" "no..." Barbara would always give you some time of day just not a lot... like 30 seconds max.

Then before you could think it could get any worse Tim arrived a Kid around your age, yet he would always sneak off with Bruce and Stephanie (a girl he would bring round, you sometimes could spot her before she disappeared) into the depths of the study and come out hours later looking exhausted and even more irritable before.

It somehow got even worse when Jason came back an evil entity hell bent on ruining your life, and Tim's. He show up outside your school sometimes telling the office workers you were his half-sister and he had to pick you up after school some days. He would shove on the end of his motorbike and hold you in a safehouse for hours on end before realising no one would arrive for you. Upon realising the great Batman didn't care about his one civilian child he would grow furious, breaking things around you as you clinged to whatever you were attached to and cry. Eventually he would grow bored of this old routine and leave you alone.

You tried to tell the family but they would just say "he didn't mean it" "he's not in his right mind name" or even worse they would forget the fact that their child who should be dead by all means kidnapped you and instead asked about his well-being. "Was he angrier or more sad?" "Did you see where you were held? maybe we can reach out to him B". In fact you didn't even realise Bruce Wayne your supposed father was Batman until you had moved out and put the pieces together.

Eventually Cassandra came along, then Damian. You think you were so traumatised by your first encounters by them both that you had blocked them out of your memory. You do however remember coming out of each conversation with an injury.

Let's just say when you eventually became eighteen you were quite frankly done with the family, you had decided to move out asap, so the second you got your college admissions you skedaddled out into metropolis.

Guys how do we feel about this?????