hibernatinglikeabear

[hibernatinglikeabear]

I learned something I shouldn't have.

Actually no, it's better that I know, but I'm being eaten by my thoughts to the point where my stomach feels upset and I couldn't handle not having music playing. I saw somewhere that "you should dwell on something for 5 minutes and move your attention to something else, hence why attention span exist". That doesn't work when I kept waking up in the middle of the night, wanting to vomit badly.

Here I am back to thinking being rich must be nice, you'll never ran out of options. When you're just making ends meet, your only option is to suck it up and find the next opportunity that will help you.

Another realization is that you could never really know a person. Some of them might really be f*cked up in the head.

Anybody knows the quickest career to earn big bucks? Apparently career building is not the option right now, the option is to find the fastest way to earn money.

[hibernatinglikeabear]

Day 8

In continuation of my thoughts yesterday about career paths, I remember a discourse on reddit about the saying "fake it till you make it". The original poster talked about how they hated the saying because of people who apply for the jobs they aren't qualified for, faking their skills.

Though there are people who agreed and understand the sentiment, most of the replies were people sharing the positive impact of the saying in their lives.

This made me wonder whether I should start applying the saying into my mindset, however, I'm having doubts. Wouldn't "making it" only possible because you actually had the skill to fake it or the ability to learn the skill needed?

BEARTUNES:

What song is playing while I'm writing this? A great one. I always wonder how they can deliver the lyrics with such emotions and story telling.

[hibernatinglikeabear]

Day 7

I'm currently reading a novel I've put away for years, however, I would not pretend that it's something that would cause enlightenment as it is your typical romance novel, something you would consider a light read (edit: that sounds like a jab at romance novels, I meant *my typical romance novels full of fluff lol).

A memory flashed, while I was in the middle of writing: around the same time, in this same exact place, I remember telling myself "I will never get tired of reading books, I'm contented with this life, I could never get bored of this".

I'm a only a few years older, but looking back, I don't have the same sentiment anymore. My younger self might not believe it to be possible, but I lost my interest in reading. It has probably been almost two years since I sat down and thought that "reading is fun, I don't feel agitated as if I'm wasting time". However, I also feel regretful, I remember the confidence I felt in that memory, back then I have a clear idea of what I like, want and enjoy.

That's not the case anymore. now, I'm confused and lost. Lost in the sea of questions "am I at the right career path? Do I even have a career? Will I get somewhere? Do I even know myself?"

Adulthood is really confusing, isn't it? I know it'll be difficult but I didn't know it'll be as confusing as it is now. Do all people go through this?

[hibernatinglikeabear]

Day 6

About the "let's hope today will be great", it's... not good. I am struggling to be positive, customer service is a really difficult career, in addition to the riskiness and sensitivity of the tasks.

Today, I watched Sean Evan's "last meal" interview and he mentioned that nothing fuels him more than pettiness and anger. Maybe I should try that mindset, rather than hoping the day will be magically good.

Maybe I should start thinking, "yeah let me £(!)#(*/;! show you that I'm better than what you think I am" or "I will show you what real improvement looks like".

It's heartbreaking to hear when they started asking the question, "who thought you in that department?", because that translate to "did nobody thought you anything?". The people around me are nice, but at what point? I don't want to be there to find out. Mistakes that I didn't even know was possible became possible, as if it's mocking me.

BEARTUNES:

I typed in the word "save" on Spotify to look for a 'save me from this day' kinda song, and there's a random "Hey, Soul Sister" in a sea of "save" songs.

Is this supposed to be me? am I sticking out like a sore thumb in my work?

[hibernatinglikeabear]

Day 5 (for Day 5 but is Day 6)

Something clicked yesterday afternoon to me, when I was thinking "there's work again tomorrow, I hope it's weekend soon". I realized "wait a second, a new day is good, I can show that I've improved and make up for my mistake last week" and I wake up this morning feeling positive. I'm on my way to work and I don't feel dreadful or scared, like I've felt on Monday.

Our system was down for four days straight but it finally got fixed and that means more work but less hassle. Let's hope that today will beba good day.

Add: I didn't know how much grip tiktok had on me, because I will always find myself scrolling at the bottom list of my apps to click it, only to stop because it's not there. That's ridiculous.

[hibernatinglikeabear]

Day 4

I was excited to write today, not because there's something out of this world that happened but because I finally uninstalled Tiktok. I had a realization last night that whenever I wanted to do a task, I always find myself doom-scrolling on Tiktok instead.

----

I'm dying inside, after writing the paragraph above, I took a nap because I was tired and dozing off. That was a bad decision, I woke up and it's already morning. I am currently getting ready to leave for work, however, I am not allowing this to stop me from publishing this now. I can't believe, I even had coffee prepared last night.

I will search later how people manage to have the energy to work multiple jobs and do extracurricular activities while continuing their 9 to 5 jobs. There has to be an answer to this (though I beg it's not "time management").

Anyways, good morning, this is going to be a good day. The negative vibes I'm feeling the past few days is slowly fading, and that's really good for my mental health.

[hibernatinglikeabear]

Day (we're still here)

It's been weeks since I visited and wrote down my thoughts. It will be all over the place most likely.

Similar to day one, the passion is there and the motivation is there but the habit is nowhere to be found. This is why daily journaling is on top of my "goals" when I decided I want to improve myself. Because I know if I can be consistent with journaling, I could apply that to the rest of goals I want to accomplish.

Despite knowing the importance of consistency, I stopped writing at Day 3 and I ask myself "that's it? that's the limit of your effort?", because if this is my best effort for self-improvement then this journey is going nowhere.

(Note: Iris by Goo Doo Dolls is playing while I'm writing this part and it just made this experience more dramatic lol, "I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'll understand" ey)

Working a corporate job can really take the soul out of you by the end of the day, which makes it difficult to have energy for anything else. However that's also the point, isn't it. I don't want this life to start and end with work, while the only activity I have is doom scrolling. I have finally decided to set an alarm to journal, at first I want it to be natural and not feel like a task or chore, but if in order to be consistent I have to be reminded, I'll do it.

______

Tomorrow is Monday and I've been faking confidence and excitement to go to work with myself. So question of the day, "How do people bounce back after a tough learning curve?"

I experienced a tough learning curve after making a mistake at work, the mistake could have been avoided if I had better judgement. I'm struggling with anxiety because there's nothing I'm more afraid of than being perceived, I'm also starting to have doubts about people and what they actually thought about me.

Aside from faking confidence, how do I deal with this emotion when the aftermath of the mistake is still visible but you can't fix it yourself? How can you bounce back better and more positive?

Usually I start the day with, "This day will be great because what else can it be". While I read somewhere that they have a semi-opposite mindset, "some days will not be great or perfect and you have to accept that and be ready to bounce back". I really can't figure out what's a better way to start a day with, unrealistic positive mindset or realistic mindset.

BEARTUNES:

A journal corner where I pick a random song I know nothing about and write my understanding of the lyrics. I have no background in music, I just like them.

"Yeah all they'll become is friends", seems like the person is confused on what he wants. He ended his relationships thinking he doesn't need it because he can manage being alone, however, he also desires of "finding a home".

Clearly, my analyzation skills need work. I'm not confident with my understanding, he's confused... and so am I. Also it's late at night.

[hibernatinglikeabear]

Day 02 (but is writing in Day 03)

I was knocked out after work. I should either read a book or watch a film, because I feel like I didn't spend my night time well and now I'm on my way back to work again. I should at least accomplish something out of my CD Project.

Yesterday was okay, it was pouring so it's pretty cozy at work, it also means less customers (not that there's many to begin with).

Oh, but I did tried reading a comic last night, Pygmalion, it's quite funny. Let's see if I'll keep reading it, my attention and commitment span is highly ruined by short clips. I should start making a list of books and films that I should check out.

Higher self question and answer portion? (they suggested to do this if you're writing a journal): "What is one thing that I have always wanted to create, and what steps can I take to make it a reality?"

The first thing that come to mind are maps. It seems really cool and fun to make your own map of an imaginary world, for example in One Piece, the world map is simple but there's a lot of lore behind it, and the islands— though referencing real life places were made unique in their own way.

What steps to make it happen, this kind of connects to my goal to learn how to draw, specifically environment visual art(?). Learning the basics of drawing might really help me make my imagination for places to come to life.

So let's start there.

Anyways, my colleague is here. I will try my best to post Day 03 before I go to sleep.

[hibernatinglikeabear]

Day One (01) of thought dumping.

Today, just every other weekend that I have, I spent all day rotting in bed- doom scrolling. However, I always go back to watching videos on YouTube on how to earn money via side hustles. Why though? "Cause money is great!" /insert that Wired Emily Rudd clip.

Anyways, no, but an actual good quote that I heard today regarding money is that "Money buys you freedom", and that's so accurate. I want the freedom that money gives you.

Watching those 'how to earn six-figures via internet' videos, they always start with these questions "what are your skills, do you have hobbies, interests? why not start monetizing those."

However, that circles back to needing money. You want to learn and upskill? You probably have to pay for courses. You want hobbies? Yeah that also needs money... these are what I kept saying, when I compare myself to other people that I see on social media, "Because I do not have the money to invest in myself and upskill, I'm not interesting enough, I'm not artistic enough and I'm not smart enough. Which also means I have nothing to monetize in order to find my own side hustle niche."

What an excuse. Clearly, those are just excuses that I tell myself in order to get away from actually starting. There are ways around upskilling and making your life more interesting using basic internet connection.

All I have to do is start, but why is that so difficult.

But this is why this is here!

WHAT IS THIS BLOG ALL ABOUT

Well, I call it the "Adding Character Depth Project".

Correct, character depth, I believe that my life is not interesting like others who have the money to spend outside, my personality is also not that unique and I don't think I have any out of this world talent, magic, strength or brains. In short, if I am a character in a novel, my life story and personality doesn't have that flare that makes them really interesting. The maximum role I'll get is that one liner character.

But if character building and character development exist in novels, why can't it be done in real life??? There's no way this is it. The other side of myself can't believe this is my maximum potential, I'm not satisfied with this version of myself. There has to be more.

So how can I add character depth to myself? Since this is not research based, let's start with what I find interesting that other people do or the people that I aspire to be do:

Journaling. This is what this tumblr is all about. Thought dump and progress dump. (With my personality of referencing what other people do, I wanted to make an official website for a blog but that's too time consuming and I'll end up stopping before I even started writing. So good old tumblr it is.)

Reading. I like reading actually but need to diversify. But for the past years I got hooked on fluffy romantic mlm and wlw books and I haven't able to explore beyond that genre anymore. I would like to read books that would make me think, that would intrigue me, that would make me feel like life is really interesting.

Pursuing art at 20s. I saw videos like PewDiePie where he started documenting his art journey by drawing everyday for 100 days(?) and it looks promising. As much as possible what I actually find interesting in drawing is world building, I want to draw the world or scenery that is usually being describe in the books that I've read. I don't really know how to start that one though.

Films. The people that I find to have interesting takes on life and unique personalities are usually people who dabble on films and photography. I want to start on expanding my knowledge and "uniqueness" (lol) by watching more films with good writing, good plot, good acting, good music and not my comfort variety shows.

Actually upskilling. The internet have so much to offer I'm pretty sure I can upskill on YouTube and find ways to earn money with that. Though this is quite a goal on it's own.

I'm pretty sure there are more to add but my brain can't think of any. Anyways, there are more details to add in every single one of these projects or hobbies, but I think it's better to discuss them separately.