hiclayah

[hiclayah]

no one has ever bullied me more or made me suicidal more than my own boyfriend. just when i started to love him more

[hiclayah]

[hiclayah]

i just want to be happy

[hiclayah]

couldnt sleep last night. kept thinking how life is going to turn out. is it all worth it? am i making the right choice? will i forever doubt myself?

wish i could be the perfect daughter, friend and partner.

[hiclayah]

maybe i should’ve died last year. maybe i should’ve died before i met him. maybe i should’ve died before dad’s money runs out. maybe i should’ve died before giving everyone a hard time. maybe i should’ve died.

[hiclayah]

i want to be in a relationship with someone who loves me and is as interested in me as i am with him. i miss the old him. the him where he was actively talking to me. the soft him. the sweet him. the nice and kind him.

[hiclayah]

why am i in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect me as a partner, as a person, as a human being. has he ever considered my feelings? has he ever think of me first? im always secretly deeply hurt

[hiclayah]

im honestly so exhausted of his attitude.

i dont know why im still in this. i dont know if im happy anymore. i feel like im the only one putting effort. im the only one caring. im the only one in this relationship. he doesnt care about me, about what i like, about what i need, about my life, about my feelings. person who loves you, who is in a committed relationship with you, would care about those stuffs.

how do i have a boyfriend but still feel incredibly lonely? i still feel like i'm not important to anyone and i could just die one day and it'll be okay.

it's honestly.. disheartening

[hiclayah]

is he doing it out of spite or is this all part of his plan?

when things get tough, when he gets angry, he says really mean things. things... that people dont say to their loved ones.. which makes me wonder if he really does love me..? i know many men dont wanna be the bad guy so they act mean so that the girl will leave instead.. is this what he's doing? i just.. dont think that he loves me anymore.. should i pack and leave? am i being a fool for hoping that he'll change?

[hiclayah]

went to his country for the second time. met him for the second time. it was absolutely wonderful. i enjoyed every second i spent with him. he was caring, thoughtful, clingy, sweet and so cute. i never loved him more. it's everything i ever wanted. we cuddled throughout the whole night and i felt so safe and warm. so fuzzy inside. i wish i could have that more often.

[hiclayah]

im tired of being gaslit

[hiclayah]

㋡🥀

flowers are so therapeutic..

[hiclayah]

i dont feel loved anymore

the first few weeks with him, he was clingy, loving and sweet. he isn't like that anymore. when i first met him, i have never felt more loved and appreciated. he cares for me so much. he feels like a boyfriend.

now he doesn't care about my feelings, he doesn't care if i ever disappear and he doesn't care if he hurts me anymore.

i no longer feel loved and wanted. i've been wanting to talk to him up front but i think it is better to talk to him face to face about it. i love him and i want him in my life but i don't think he feels the same way anymore.

i honestly think it is just pure lust for him now. he'll probably leave me as soon as we slept together. all he talks about is sex now. i dont think he likes me anymore. i don't think he wants me anymore.

[hiclayah]

meeting him felt like a dream. too good to be true. i was so happy for the whole time i was there. i feel so loved, i feel so appreciated, i feel accepted.

i no longer feel that way. and i blame myself for everything. im ugly and fat. do i deserve love in the first place?

my shibabear is changing day by day. he doesnt love me anymore. and its breaking my heart so badly. im crying too hard i can barely breathe.

upcoming trip in few weeks. will it be the last ever trip? do i have to prepare for permenant goodbyes? do i have to let go now?

[hiclayah]

㋡🥀

the most colorful season of the year..

[hiclayah]

how we got together

so we started hanging out on discord more. we would play valorant and apex together everyday. we joined a minecraft server and started building a house together. i still remember how he was afk and i bought all the flowers they sell and threw them to him. didnt think that he'd care but was hoping that he would. after that, i noticed that he put my fav flower in his no1 slot. oh god, the feeling i felt over that shit? damn im such a kid. but that made me giddy bahaha

he kept asking me to start a business with him and to go to SG and meet him. being the insecure bitch that i am, of course i was scared. i was scared that once he sees the fat girl that i am, he will leave. so i told him that "i'm scared i'll disappoint you" but turns out he already knew how i look like???? bro. i was incredibly overwhelmed by the fact that he saw me and everything that i am, and i didnt know which pictures he was talking about which made me felt crazy. my insecurities were through the roof. he kept telling me that "it doesn't matter" just like how i felt about his look but somehow i didn't believe him. but he treated me that same before and after seeing me so i started believing him. we exchanged ig after that. we talked it out and i started to like him even more.

one day, while being in call with him, a friend of mine facetimed me. i didn't mute discord, scared that he might feel some typa way if i did. turned out that he did. he was quiet for a while and wouldn't answer me calling his name. suddenly he said that he's going to bed. he said he was tired but i could tell there was something else going on, so i persistently asked him and he admitted that he felt jealous and felt stupid for feeling so as we didn't have anything going on. and me knowing how shy and awkward he is, just straight up told him to let me call him "my baby"

i don't know where the hell did i get my courage from but i thought to myself "fuck it. im done wasting time". at that time i was pretty much attached to him. i was very interested and wasn't willing to lose him or anything. i would love to have him around. i think he felt pressured so i left the call and gave him few minutes before i joined my server and told him that i'll be there if he needed me. i was typing to him so much as i felt pretty embarrassed having to ask first.

so he said to give him some time and after a while, maybe an hour? he said "okay. call me baby" and that's that. i think that's how we got together.

[hiclayah]

meeting shibabear

gear up cause this is going to be long. well it started in my very last game with that toxic guy but it was also the game where i met the most special guy in my life right now.

they were classmates but toxic guy told him to pretend to be a girl in order to make me jealous. i felt a little jealous but a little annoyed too. bc at that point, we both have established that we will only be friends and stay that way. but he kept flirting and trying to make me jealous but at the same time kept rejecting me? weirdo.

but enough of that man, to hell with him. it's about my bear.

so one night, i got high and played val until super late. it was 4am and he was the only one online in my friends list. i whispered to him and asked if he's up for some games. he was down and we played for few games and actually had so much fun. i told him to add me on discord and that's that. note that i still didn't know if he was a girl or a boy.

because of that. that toxic guy found out and exploded (he's a jealous freak). he used bear's discord and said some shitty things. i almost removed bear from my friends list everywhere. but i could tell it wasn't him. it wasn't the guy i played games with and talked to that night.

so i talked to him on val and he apologised. he told me that it wasn't him and explained everything. and i wasn't surprised at all. i knew that toxic guy was shitty. and we played more games afterwards. i ended it all with toxic guy and continued playing more games with him.

but he wasn't talking to me. at all. he was typing while i was talking. he refused to talk and i don't know why. we were in call almost everyday and he still wasn't talking. until a week after where he invited me to play w his friends and he had to talk.

somehow, eventhough i've screamed, snored, sang and talked so much around him, after i heard his voice, i got shy... i was blushing for no reason. that's when i knew i'm starting to like this guy.

everyday i would look forward to him coming home from school and he'd say "call u in 5" and i'd be so giddy and happy. but we didn't have anything, yet.