hidayahsyafiqah

[hidayahsyafiqah]

WEEKLY JOURNAL 3

Escaping Reality

In February 2024, my family and I went out for dinner at Setia City Mall. We had some nice food and drinks then my brother broke the silence by saying that he needed a new phone for gaming. Then my mother replied that he always buying new phones and offered him to buy a gaming PC instead. I interrupted by saying that I wanted a gaming PC as well.

After finishing dinner, we went to a computer store to survey what gaming pc we wanted to buy and we’ve decided to go with the cheapest yet high specifications for a gaming PC.

Following days, I started to get interested in the game Valorant because of Valorant Champions Tour (VCT). I used to watch the VCT every day. Other than that, I also watch a particular Malaysian streamer, Khalish Rusyaidee, often referred to as D4V41 (Davai), who is in the part of the e-sports group called "Paper Rex."

Paper Rex has always been my favorite esports team because of their aggressive playstyle and also their unseriousness when it comes to competing against other professional player teams. I even bought their Valorant x Paper Rex capsule to support them and show my love and appreciation for them! As of now, the group consists of five people: D4v41, F0rsakeN, Jinggg, Ilia, and Aaron.

Moving on, I started to play and grind Valorant religiously. However, I never play Valorant by myself because the Valorant community can be really toxic and I prefer playing with my friends to make the game more enjoyable and less serious.

I made a lot of friends there, but these four—Paan, Anan, Alip, and Wan are the best people I could ever ask for. They always teach me to be better at the game. Not only that, they are good people who always help me whenever I need something. We haven’t talked for a while due to our busy lives, but I’m still trying my best to keep in touch with them by contacting them through Discord and Instagram.

I will always be grateful for this friendship and the memories we’ve made.

[hidayahsyafiqah]

WEEKLY JOURNAL 2

Unheard

These past few months, I have felt so lonely and unheard; like no matter how hard I tried to express myself, it feels like I am talking to a wall that never responds. This leaves me with a deep sense of sadness and longing for a presence that will never come. It frustrates me whenever I try to speak a word. I feel like I’m bending over backwards because I’m always willing to lend a hand for anyone in need, but when I seek help, nobody’s there. How I wish people around me would communicate about what I might be doing wrong instead of just remaining silent like a statue or sneering at me like I have no feelings.

I never stop wondering what I did wrong to deserve being treated this way. Moments like these make me miss my home and my high school because people there aren’t two-faced. Sometimes, things like this just make me want to zip my mouth because I know, the moment I let out a word, they will just keep treating me this way. I try not to let this thing affect my mental health, but I can’t help but break down in tears when loneliness washes over me.

A month ago, I talked about what I had been feeling these past few weeks with my friend, Alif, and being a good friend he is, he supportively responded, “Sometimes there are things that happen without us knowing that they will end up in a way that we didn’t expect them to be. If we have done our best in becoming thoughtful humans, then it is okay to not be perfect or make anything perfect in life, and it’s completely okay.” Although we haven’t talked a lot these days, I still remember and hold onto his words

I truly wish we could talk like we used to; it would mean a lot to me. He helped me a lot through my ups and downs, and I long for that support and the connection we shared together.

[hidayahsyafiqah]

WEEEKLY JOURNAL 1:

Longing for ayah.

In 2021, I struggled a lot mentally since my dad died due to COVID-19. We used to do a lot of things together, such as food hunting, camping, cooking, and shopping. Ever since my dad passed, I’ve felt lonelier and lonelier. I think the reason I have not been able to get over his death until now is because I didn’t get to see him one last time before he went to the hospital. What makes it even sadder is that I was the first one in the family that knew about my dad’s death, and it was hard for me to tell my mom about it. I had to give my mom the doctor’s number so that she could ask the doctor about my dad’s condition because I wasn’t strong enough to tell her myself.

I miss the time I spent with my dad, even the littlest things, the laughter we shared together, and the way he would comfort me whenever I felt anxious about my appointments with doctors. Now that he is not here as I entered college, I find myself longing for his presence. I constantly reminisce about us and the times we shared before his passing. I never thought our time together would be so limited. I wish every day that he’d still be by my side, saying, “I am very proud of you.” I wonder what he would say about me being in college. I miss you the most, ayah.

[hidayahsyafiqah]

[hidayahsyafiqah]

i just heard the phrase “if you wouldn’t trust their advice, don’t trust their criticism” for the first time and i don’t think i’ve ever needed to hear anything more

[hidayahsyafiqah]

i just heard the phrase “if you wouldn’t trust their advice, don’t trust their criticism” for the first time and i don’t think i’ve ever needed to hear anything more

[hidayahsyafiqah]

hi!