hiddenelsewhere

[hiddenelsewhere]

look im not like Deleteriously Upset but i am like Pretty Disappointed and that's a Crying Doggone Shame

[hiddenelsewhere]

I haven't really written anything since Michael died. While things have been chaotic, I have visited him every day since he was buried. There is a ritual and a habit to it that is at least some form of control to cling to. I've been seeing one of the therapists mentioned previously for about a year now.

Things have changed in that time. I am unemployed due to layoffs, which were and have been common in the sector. The politics of The World at large really have been a subject of some concern, but that is more of a distraction from the smaller scale issues that I'm dealing with.

I reconnected with someone through Facebook that I haven't seen in a decade or more, as hesitant as I am to think about the timescale of my life. What followed was a few weeks of near constant communication, texting, calling, video calls, and a concrete invitation Here in the form of a flight, but there have been complications.

She lives in New York, and while it seems that life there (at least when viewed from a lens separate from the city) is not ideal, it seems that it has a magnetism and draw that is difficult to resist once back in its grasp. At present time of writing, I am unsure if she will visit Here as planned, or if things will go Differently.

If you'll excuse a momentary blooming, she is Spectacular. I was introduced to what love bombing is recently and so have been re-evaluating the methods by which I communicate and my determination to express the things that sprout in the gardens of my brain, but to think of her and not sprout roses is a Task and I am concerned about the precedent of shaping my thinking and wording. That is, perhaps, where the stagnation I've been experiencing comes from.

I strive to uphold this Image, this Perception that I am a paragon of justice, of righteousness, of honesty and of Beauty Expressed, but when word comes that some of that is potentially problematic, the facets inside schism.

Do you cling unwaveringly to this flowery honesty, these expressions of thought dripping sweetness? Or do you stymie the tide, put a stop to that which might have a manipulative effect? I have no desire to coerce, to draw Anyone toward things that they are Unwilling to experience and to do otherwise is.. anathema. Abhorrent. Beyond the pale. I am supposed to be a bastion against such influences, not a source.

The bitter taste of inner conflict does not leave my mouth. It keeps me awake until the early hours of the morning when the sun threatens to lighten the sky, and upsets an already precarious schedule.

That being said, I enjoy her company, or have enjoyed it in the past. She is fun to talk to, is unwaveringly interesting, filled with joy and laughter, and it feels like she makes things lighter. That could well be the floating brought from infatuation, but if there is a problem with that I am unable to see it.

Succinctly, I believe I am in need of council, and of an influence to drag my heading back toward Purpose and away from doubt. Attempts to find such thus far have been without success, but I have some hopes.

The tragedies laying in wait regarding my family will only be alluded to for now. Suffice to say that people get older, and Loss is a stressor that exacerbates illness. Should something change on that front, I am sure that it will become a topic of fixation for some time.

With hope for a brighter future.

Z

[hiddenelsewhere]

Today I bury my last uncle. He died on the first of September. The Grandparents were here, and I left work early to take them to the ER where he was already dead. His wife has been unpleasant, but that is not a deviation from the norm. Brother allowed at the funeral and service.

[hiddenelsewhere]

Today is July fifth and I am sitting in the living room downstairs having my coffee. I slept later than would be ideal because I got distracted after work, which doesn't feel great, but I'm struggling with feeling like it doesn't matter.

After I finish here, I need to go back to my office and figure out how to switch the internet and utilities over to you. I'd like to pay this month's rent in full so that it's one less thing you need to worry about, but I'm concerned that it would be intrusive. I moved out and paying rent makes it feel like I still linger.

I am also feeling kind of sad. Not the overwhelming and yawning pit that I felt while moving out and watching you sob, but like the great cracks in a settled concrete slab. Part of me misses you. Is worried about what the future holds. About you.

We still talk multiple times a day, at least for now. That wasn't really what I had envisioned, but it does feel comforting. I just worry that without enough space your wounds will not heal.

Your first few days seem to have gone well, though. You've avoided temptation to drink thusfar, which is good. I don't know if that will keep up, or if you'll turn back to the comfort of a numbing stupor to avoid facing the realities of the current situation. I don't know what it would mean if you did.

I am still impatiently waiting for the other therapists I sent inquiries to to respond - One has, and I have an initial consultation in 15 days (7/20) to figure out how much of their time my insurance would cover and how much would be out of pocket. How I'm supposed to do that and explain my issues in a 20 minute first meeting is beyond me, but we will play it by ear.

I still have some stuff to move upstairs, and I still haven't identified where everything is definitively. One more tower, at least a couple of boxes. I'd like to find somewhere less conspicuous for my books, but that is a challenge all on its own.

The soreness in most of my body is fading. My legs still burn when I walk. I guess a couple of years withering will do that. When the tendons are better I'll carry everything but the books upstairs and then set about organizing and eliminating. By that time I should have trash bags. My hope is to cut down on the excess by a fair bit so that my next move is not quite so involved. It would be helpful to identify what is mandatory and what is ancillary so that the latter can stay here to fill the home for my heart.

I don't know when it will be more than just me here. My paranoia occasionally flares at night and I resist the temptation to walk around armed. Anyone coming here would almost certainly drive. Anyone coming in would need either a key or noise to enter. I wonder if these feelings will deepen or fade with time. There are changes I could make to be more aware, but I don't want to feed into anything unhealthy.

I think that this is the end for today. I am going to go and take a shower, and then figure out what the process is for transferring ownership of those two utility accounts. Hopefully I write and feel more tomorrow.

Z