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[hideyholejournal]

Journal Entry #2

August, 8, 2021

***Warning**** Discusions of s*xual ab*se and S*islide****

I want to scream. 

For the last few weeks I’ve been trying so hard to get back into my regular healthy habits- like writing in my journal- but I can’t seem to do it. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to go to bed at a regular time or meditate for a few minutes but everything seems to be sucking my energy so much.

I’m trying not to be hard on myself and allow grace for bad weeks, something I was working on with Hanna, my counselor (FNFP). But it’s so hard to be kind when everything... hurts?? That’s not the right word but I don’t know any other way to describe it. Everything just hurts and the worst part is that I don’t know why!

Maybe writing here will help me? I really hope it does because this sucks.

My best friend moved in with me at the beginning of the month and two days before she moving day I got into a spat with my... bio Dad.

The fight started as many of our fights do, a stupid comment that fucker (Dad) wouldn’t let go of. we went grocery shopping and, as it has been since I was ten, I was the one left to actually do the actual shopping portion of grocery shopping. 

It’s the first time we’ve been able to do actual grocery shopping since Christmas and Dan’s lost fight to stomach cancer that had us moving to our current place. Why mutli-billion dollar corporations need to impose such harsh contract and lease breaking fines even in the face of unexpected death I’ll never understand. 

(Note for context- Assuming that for some reason someone is reading this-: Dan found out he had stomach cancer in October, by November he was a living skeleton and when January hit he was dead- Karma’s a bitch and no I am not incredibly bitter about all the ways the only other man I trusted hurt and betrayed me)  

Anyway, the near half year of scrambling for a little extra funds and living off other peoples kindness-  Thank the Gods for Hanna (FNFP) and her hampers, no idea how we would have made it without that- Had made me extremely conscious of prices. I was going through the store with a calculator and adding and rounding up by a dollar for everything I put in the cart while keeping an eye out for any sales. I was stressing.

Despite my best efforts the bill still came up to nearly 300. I don’t remember the exact price but it doesn’t matter. On our way out Dad made a comment about it. Now, he makes the same comment about how pricey things are every time we go to the store and on my best days they make me feel guilty and grumpy but this was not my best day. 

It would have been fine if I knew that I could just turn to dad and say “Hey, I know you don’t mean to upset me but it makes me feel really badly when you make those comments because I really tried hard to find the least pricey things I could.” and then we could have a discussion about it but if I had said that he would have just yelled at me to not take things so personally and that if I can’t learn how to take a joke I could start paying rent (Despite me not having a job yet due to covid and the economy in general) then he’d go the guilt route and whine about how he was just a terrible parent and a shit person in general with a nice whopping dollop of “You’re the smart one so you need to fix this.”

It’s exhausting, so instead I got angry and said “Well, if you don’t like it then you can do the grocery shopping and we’ll see how well you do” Do I regret it? A little, but not enough that I would take it back so we continued to quietly get out of Walmart and put the food in the car. 

Here’s the thing about my family; we don’t talk. If you had a fight or said something nasty then you better stiff upper lip it and forget about what was and wasn’t said or you’ll be in for a long lecture about letting things go and not being dramatic. 

So we don’t talk about and just go to A and W for food. Dad had woken me up that morning, said we were going shopping and used food to keep as a bonus- I honestly didn't want food but Dad makes a big deal out of it if I refuse food or treats so...- 

Then I saw a crow.

I saw it out my window and pinched off a bit of bun to throw on the ground near it and Dad said not to feed it because they’re stupid trash animals. This actually really excited me because I’ve researched a lot about crows and blue jays so I was really happy to share this information. So I try to say “Actually, Crows are really smart. They’re members of the corvid family which is known as the smartest bird family” and tell him all about how they can imitate human words and sounds, are know to use tools, hold funerals for their dead and can recognize human faces among other things. 

Unfortunately, Dad was very uninterested in hearing any of this and kept interrupting me to say that they were dumb and gross because they dug through the trash for food. He refused to hear about any of the things I had researched and just kept repeating the same things and interrupting me. I was annoyed to begin with but now I was starting to feel hurt. As a result I was near yelling to try and be heard, while progressively getting more agitated.

Finally, Dad snaps at me about how he can’t say anything to me without me getting pissed off- An extremely common complaint- and brings up my comment in the store. I explained why I was upset and he said something about how he always say’s things like that so I should be used to it and I was just too tired to try and unpack that so I switched to the original thing he said. I told him that the reason I’m always so irritated with him is because he keeps doing things that I told him are an issue.

This is one of my very common complaints, Dad insists every time I bring up an issue that he’s listened to me and he’ll stop but when I month or two goes by and nothings changed he accuses me of calling him a liar when I bring it up again. 

It’s just so much easier to just get angry because then, at least, he leaves me alone for a bit. He’s exhausting and I’m always at my worst when I’m with him. 

At some point during the fight he starts going on about how everything to us kids is abuse now and nothing is good for us. I don’t know what came over me but I yelled “You’re going to say that after what you did” when he asked what he did I said that he s*xually ab*sed me. 

I... honestly thought he would deny it. I thought he would try to gaslight me or.. defend himself? Something. Instead he just... told me that I needed to stop bringing up the past? I... I just, now that I’m out of the situation I’m realizing how wild that response is and I kind of don’t know how to move on from it? So I guess I’ll just continue...

So in the moment I was just ear steaming angry by that response but Dad just moves right on to his usual paying rent and taking my phone spiel and for a moment I’m so angry that I’m calm and I just say that I’m going to live with mom since she knows about what he did. 

Finally, we make it home and I storm over to the door so I can get my pre-packed escape plan bags. Dad yells over “Aren’t you going to help with the groceries” and I yell back that it’s not my problem anymore.

By the time he’s done carrying in groceries I have my bags stacked by the door and he’s demanding to know where I’ll go, that I give him my keys and phone because I don’t get to takes those, I tell him that both are on the counter an continue. My next problem is that he’s standing in the doorway. I’m not sure if he’s going to try and block me from leaving- He has many-a-time in the past- so I shoulder check past him to keep him from doing so. 

He follows me down the front path and asks me where I’m going and if we can just talk about this and to come back inside because he doesn’t want me on the streets. As he’s saying these things I’m realizing that I honestly don’t have a plan that is likely to work out long-term. 

My general idea was to just get to my grandpas and call my mom from there and she could hopefully come down to pick me up sometime that week- She lives in a neighboring city- then I’d go live with her until I’d found a job and place to stay. Unfortunately, that wasn’t likely to work out because my mom and I... have heaps of issues and have never managed to have a visit lasting more then two days were we haven’t fought at all. Plus, my mom has struggled with alcohol dependence and a gambling addiction since before I was born... she’s not exactly a stable safe place.  

Shelters are an option but... that’s a completely unmown variable.

So... I decide, better the devil you know and tell dad that “I don’t want to have to tell people that I’ve s*cked my dads d!ck, it isn’t in the past for me! What you did hurt me and I have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life.” 

He looks genuinely guilty in the face of my words so I agree to go back in and talk. 

The talk was extremely unsatisfying. Dad just went on about how he was sorry, that he’d do anything for me and give me all his money. He went on about how he was horrible and everything was his fault- his exact words- and how he felt guilty about how he didn’t make enough money to take care of me and how embarrassed he was by this. The only good thing he said was that he would do everything he could to help me move out. ( By encouraging me to take everything he owned beside the bare minimum he needed to survive)

When I said that wasn’t enough to make up for what he did he demanded to know what I wanted. When I said that I wanted him to take responsibility he interrupted me to demand to know how he would do this. Just remembering this is making me tired. 

I couldn’t come up with anything at the moment and he kept insisting that he’d said sorry and that’s all he could do so...

Oh! At on point he tried to convince me to either beat him or stab him. I rolled my eyes and said that he wasn’t worth going to prison for. He tried to insist that he would lie to the cops. Then he proceeded to go on a tangent about how I shoved past him and said mean things and that it felt like it was “Abuse Dad Time” 

He followed up his pity party by saying that when I left he would probably k*!! himself. I said that after what he did I didn’t care- note; The d!ck s*cking was by NO means the only time he encouraged me to touch him inappropriately, or even showed me extremely inappropriate things it was just one of the bigger no no’s that happened- he threw his his hands up and said “See you don’t care!” as if I was the bad guy??

Anyway, we ended by agreeing that I would live here until I could actually move and that he didn’t get to complain about me being distant anymore.

There was more I wanted to add but it’s now three in the morning and I do want some sleep.

Bye

[hideyholejournal]

Journal entry #1

August 8 2021

I haven’t written in my journal for months now, mostly because I filled my pretty purple journal and I now don’t have the spare money to buy a new one. It doesn’t help that I’m really picky about what it looks like. A large motivator for me to suffer cramp wrist was how pretty the damn thing was so I’ve decided to start an online journal. That way I won’t have to hand write and the clacks of my keyboard will be my new, and much less pricey, motivator. 

A lot has happened since I’ve last written anything so this first one will be pretty long. I’ll go by chronological event instead of important news first so that it will be easier for me to look back on my memories. Assuming this hell site is still running by then, of course.

To start, my sister finally married her fiancé after nearly four years of engagement. Apparently the main hold up was the family = The mothers, mostly = insisting that they not elope in Vegas like they wished to do. I kind of wish they had just defied everyone but alas, the wedding was on. 

It wasn’t a large wedding, just a backyard shindig with immediate family and a few childhood friends. Still, the party afterward was very fun. It was really hot that day so everyone drank more than they meant to, including me. It marked the third time that I have ever gotten drunk and only reconfirmed that, while I don’t mind being a tiny bit tipsy, getting drunk is not my idea of fun. Every time I’ve been drunk has been a near tears experiences. I just don’t like the feeling At All. 

Thankfully, everyone was generally friendly and there was no fighting between the Jones Girls (Fake Name For Privacy). There was a bit of a close call with this boy my sister was trying to set me up with. I swear Jennifer (FNFP) thinks I’m the female version of some angry know-it-all R/Smart dude because those are the type of people she says I’m like or that I’ll get along with. 

Side rant: Why is it that my mother and sister spent Years complaining that I hated them because I never really talked to them or shared my opinion but as soon as I start to speak up I became a political raging machine in their eyes. It does not matter how nicely I try to speak or how much I control my tone they will always act as if me demanding basic human decency is too much for them to handle. 

Anyway, the dude seemed nice enough at first, plus he was my type of attractive which was extra nice, but as the night wore on little things started annoying me more and more. For example: My niece started talking about how “They” found aliens. She believed this due to a UFO citing she’d heard about. Unfortunately, Augustus or whatever his name was, got high and mighty and started lecturing a Ten Year Old about what UFO meant and how if aliens were ever found the world would lose their collective minds. 

Newsflash dude, no ones gonna think you’re cool because you crushed a little girls fun because you had to be the smartest person at the children's table. (Us Kind Of But Not Adults got put on Babysitting Duty)  Like sure, educate the children on what UFO means but don’t draw some doomsday picture for an audience of ten and under. Children want to explore and imagine new worlds where everything is possible. In fact, this is a part of their development. Don’t crush any hint of imagination because it doesn’t fit your cynical idea of the world. 

After that incident I had no interest in seeing him after the wedding but my options for interaction during were limited so I continued being friendly. The music was turned on a little after food and while I am very much Not a dancer I still enjoy doing it. Unfortunately, I only knew half of the people at the wedding and only two others were in my age range. As a result I had to go around begging people to dance with me. Augustus was staunch in his stand to never dance at weddings and I stopped asking after the first few times (At first I thought he was just shy about his skill level but then he seemed to get annoyed and I left it alone.) But his brother, despite not really wanting to dance overly much, was kind enough to join me. 

In-between dancing I would migrate back to the two brother and ask them random questions to pass the time. I’m not the most social person but in the last few years I’ve been trying to push myself to put myself out there more, asking odd questions has become a fallback in social settings. My favourite to ask is “If you could change the colour of the sky what would it be and why?.” Both brothers said blue because that’s just what the colour is but of course Augustus had to explain why the sky was blue to me. Ugh.

Eventually, we got onto the topic of religion and I informed Augustus that I was a Hellenistic Pagan. Augustus took this as an opportunity to rant about how all religions are just money grabbing schemes, and continued with this after I explained that there isn’t really a church or temple or anything for Hellenistic Pagan’s so there really wasn’t anyone I was giving my money to. Soon after this he said that he just wanted to “Vibe” with the music and not play my questions game. So I left.

I tried not to be offended that we really didn’t connect but the entire situation brought old feelings of inadequacy. I just always feel like I’m too much or not enough in most situations, like I either feel everything all at once or I’m numb all day and I either talk a mile a minute or I can barely force words past my lips. It sucks. 

It didn’t help that when my uncle came over to asked why I wasn’t with Augustus he said that I couldn’t ask weird question's about the sky because it “Makes you look like some deranged girl”.  

The night got better after I moped for a bit but I didn’t talk to Augustus again. On the bright side, my uncle's girlfriend taught me how to two-step and I had a lot of fun white girl dancing to the fast songs. My only dance move is to swing my hips and bounce around. I think I might see about taking some dance classes to work on my coordination. 

I think I’ll end this entry here. There’s a lot more to write but I’ll leave it for later

Bye