highandclassy28

[highandclassy28]

You said you’re done with me. Never care to see me again. Don’t love me. I’m scum. Oh & you’ve been with the ones you broke our monog... but see I know you well enough to know why you’re doing this. Self sabotage and feeling guilt. Because we started therapy to work towards what we want[ed?] a future together where you’ll accept the love I give & not try to break me because you don’t feel enough. You said you’d try to hurt me and yes you have prevailed. But while she’s laying in our bed in my spot I have no doubt.. our pup gets confused because her mom is not around. I have been unable to progress past a kiss upon the mouth of a man who’s been patient, kind, & stuck around. Because I’m so heart broken & in love with YOU the man who’s thrown me out (again & again when will it end?) I don’t want to lose you, I never f*cking did.... you’re the one that bolts leaves me sick upon the floor. I swear I’m always the one hurting, trying to do more. I gave so many opportunities, maybe more than I should. You broke our agreement in monog, poly, & monog again. So what’s a girl to do...? I tried still giving you a chance, but once therapy pulls up the trauma of your past.. once again you block me, shut me out, & self destruct “back on my old shit!” With a bottle in your palms & a low caliber woman who validates to you that you’re nothing more than a “fuck boy” & “dick to ride” instead of building forward with me whom you called your “wife”.... you gave a promise, a dog, a necklace, your life ..... said you’d marry me, even one day wanted my babies... but now you come for my throat at any price. You use all the weapons I didn’t know I’d supplied. “I’ll call the cops” “you can’t see the dog” “I’ll tow your car” “you’re trash” “f*cking bitch” “everyone was always right about you” But what really sucks is that through all of this pain....... I still make excuses for you within my brain. Because I know why you’re hurting & what game you play. You want to make me not love you, so I can heal my pain. It’s not that you don’t still love me, you just don’t feel like you can give me what you need. & since I wouldn’t leave you or give up on the dream you felt forced to hurt me & for you to cut the string. But honestly you can NOT stop my love for you. I said forever & I meant it. It’s true. So no matter what you say... no matter what you do... I’ll always want you healed, happy, & renewed.. the part that really hurts is that it might not be for you... might not be with me & instead you’ll do for someone new. That I was never enough... never what you wanted. Just the easiest bitch that would stay through all the trauma. I want you healed & happy I swear to you it’s true but my heart would break in pieces if you gave that to someone new. I want to be your wife, the mother to our dog & (maybe) kids, I want to build a life & travel as we live. I thought even after you broke it so many times... that I could trust you to still want me in your life. Now I’m stressed, worried, & physically ill because I can’t know how every day makes you feel. & soon you’ll be gone to start a big career... & part of me is scared... you’ll keep those old habits that initially broke our trust.. you know which I mean.. when you’re in the power & consumed by women, drugs, & greed. & if I haven’t acted... not for myself, HER, or who could be... am I responsible too for not protecting them indeed? It was an “accident” “mistake” “misunderstanding” or so I thought for me... but could it have been for her too? Will there be more to follow? If so idk what to do... it wouldn’t be my actions but i think it’d be my fault. Could I love you too much that I protected you from fault? I don’t wanna hurt you, your livelihood, your heart... I know where your heads been & the loss of your life would tear me right apart. I couldn’t deal with it... you said yourself you thought I’d follow.... I don’t want to lose you even more than what’s followed... The point is that I love you. That’s something you cannot change. Even though I’m aching&filled with so much pain.

[highandclassy28]

Today was my 7th day cigarette free.. I smoked. Last night I bought a pack & today I opened it. Got in a fight with my partner. He went to a house party for dinner with someone who sees everyone in town & has told him he’d rape him to his face. I was fed up & told him to do his thing instead of coming over. He wanted to stay with me & the cats & take my car to school this morning. He said he’d message me when he got home. He didn’t. I stayed up & messaged him ending with I love you. He didn’t respond all day. After laying out I messaged him asking if he just wasn’t going to speak to me today. He round abouted me. He went to my old place of work for lunch & I just checked, he’s back there. They were awful & he has no care. I’ve been extremely depressed / suicidal recently & this shit makes me worse... I went over before work yesterday & he ignored me the entire time: playing games & doing homework. I want to cut but he said before he’d try to have me committed if I relapse. I’ve been clean for atleast 2-3 years. I rolled two blunts to see him. I fixed a plate of beef bourbuignon with mash potatoes & mac n cheese and have only been able to take bites. I hate this feeling. I want to throw away the rest of my food. I feel like I’m feverish... this is the only way I can vent (besides my journal) if I post anything on my other apps I’m “dramatic” or “looking for attention”

[highandclassy28]

i will say that this coronavirus scare has definitely revealed that minimum-wage service workers are absolutely instrumental for society to function… all the hoity-toity business meetings can be cancelled, the NBA can be cancelled, public schools and colleges can be cancelled, government meetings can be cancelled, but the checkout line at the grocery store can’t be cancelled… in a perfect world i’d hope that this was a bellwether for better treatment of workers like me but i know we’ll just continue to get paid min wage with no rewards or thank-yous from the world during this time lolololol

[highandclassy28]

Why did you put so much effort into getting to know every little aspect of me and my hurts just to turn around and do the same things. I communicated my feelings, traumas, & insecurities, and you used them against me with a complete disregard for my feelings or mental health. I love you, but I need to love myself more. I can’t do this anymore if you don’t respect or love me. You lied & betrayed my trust. I showed your my weaknesses because you had my whole heart & I could trust you.. but I’ve done it without you & i guess i have to again. Loyal to a fault & oh so forgiving... but a line was crossed & you stopped putting in effort to show me how you feel about me. Fuck a title, I just wanted trust & love.

[highandclassy28]

My anxiety made me so physical ill that i puked bile several times as my body convulsed on the ha groom floor... & you don’t care about the pain you’ve caused me. I knew this day would come but I thought you were the one

[highandclassy28]

You moved out 7 days ago. & tomorrow you’re leaving out of town with the bitch I hate. The last time this happened, divine intervention caused you to stay. I had your back even though I found out you were going to a festival with her. Now it all seems full circle.. I knew no one ever REALLY falls in love with me. Even though you asked me out, asked me to be your gf, said you wanted long term, said you loved me.. at the end of the day, you won’t commit to me.. & you broke what little trust I could muster up.. you’ll still fuck me. That much I know.. “no one will ever really love you, they’ll just want to fuck you” but I’ve been told “he’s still a man” so I guess that’s the justification like always

[highandclassy28]

[highandclassy28]

[highandclassy28]

Wooow it sucks pretending everything is ok. I think I have to tell my family the truth.. you won’t even kiss me anymore even when you’re inside me. This is what I get for falling in love & giving my all..

[highandclassy28]

I just want you to LOVE ME, but that’s too much to ask..

[highandclassy28]

Mental illnesses are so hard because you’re constantly told to say how you feel & blah blah blah. But the moment you do you’re whining & ruining everyone else’s time. So you isolate & bottle in your emotions.. so they fester & consume you. If I can’t be dead. I at least want to be alone. So my illnesses don’t infect others around me. It really sucks to finally force yourself to say how you feel & the response is everything you fear it would be.

[highandclassy28]

Knowing there’s a blade in the trunk is so tempting.. not like you’ve touched my body in a week so you probably would never know... the perfectionist in me is fighting tooth & nail the emo kid inside screaming for the relief of a cold blade on skin bringing forth warm blood.. it’s been so long since I’ve relapsed.. I’m trying so hard.. I bought noodles today & couldn’t even take a bite. I truly hate how defective I am.

[highandclassy28]

hahahahahahaha i can’t event post anything on my twitter anymore, absolutely insane how things go. Idk if what’s worse: it being what it is or the fact that I’ll have to fake it all tomorrow

[highandclassy28]

I’ve never felt so alone, unloved, unwanted, & undesired as this weekend. Ive been suicidal since I was 15, but I’ve never wanted to end it quite like this. I took a nap in the forest & 3 people checked on me. I spent over an hour sobbing at a main stage & no one cared or noticed. Even my own boyfriend doesn’t care to hangout with me & has more fun at sets with other bitches & friends. I don’t want to be here. I would leave, but I’m afraid if I start driving I’ll crash on purpose... I feel like I can’t even talk about how I feel without “whining” or ruining everyone else’s time. It would be better if I wasn’t here at all.

[highandclassy28]

After being paid four times less than the men’s U.S. soccer team, the U.S. women’s soccer team released a new commercial. 

[highandclassy28]

My baby fucked me so good I squirted, cried, drooled, & snoted

[highandclassy28]

thank u, next as a 90’s anime 💄