highestformoflove - Tumblr blog

[highestformoflove]

It's nice to be back in the blogging world where no one knows you. I just wanted to vent out my feelings cause lately it feels like I'm going to explode.

I'm tired and exhausted at the same time. Have no will to do anything or something. I just want to lay in bed the whole day and just stare at my phone or scroll. It feels like ngayun ko lang nararanasan ang mahomesick. 😭

I miss my family.

[highestformoflove]

This really made my day. Akala ko di na kami ulet magkikita forever. He went back to his country na kasi. His business trip here in Japan is over.😭 He also rarely chat. Kala ko talaga end game na yung landian namin. Syeeet may continuation. 🤣🙈

Pero malabo na kami ang end game di na ako umaasa. daming factors. suntok sa buwan na magkatuluyan kami. Pero atleast napapasaya namin isa't isa.

At higit sa lahat. Siya sumasagot sa mga hw ko sa Japanese school. 🤣🙈

[highestformoflove]

63022

Why do all the pain is coming back again. Ang dali sa kanya na hindi ako kausapin.

Ako nanaman eto. Naghahabol nanaman. Ulet ulet nalang. Umiiyak nanaman.

Hindi ka na kasi mahal. Pinagpipilitan mo nalang sarili mo.

[highestformoflove]

12142021

Tumawag tropa niya saying na pinapatawagan ako ni Ex. But ayun. He didn't talk or say anything. Ayun balik ko nalang yung gamit niya bukas kasi sabi nga nung isa niyang tropa may tumawag sa kanya na babae kanina pero binaba niya din. So ayun. Stop na tayo sa katangahan. I'm done. Good thing I didn't contact him when I vomited blood.

I vomited blood kasi walang laman tyan ko then chichirya saka softdrinks lang kinain ko. Honestly I'm destroying myself.

He throw away the 5years. Bakit ako manghihinayang. He just left me. Just like that.

He needed that space daw. Fuck you! Gusto mo lang lumandi sa iba. Gusto mo lang makatikim ng iba.

The wound is still fresh. I'm still hurting. But this will heal. I know that I will heal. In time. In time.

[highestformoflove]

121321

I'm continuosly vomiting and after vomiting when I spit. It's blood. Should I tell my mom? Should I tell anyone? I'm scared that they might panic or what. I'm okay. I know I'm okay. It's just this heavy feeling. But I'm fine.

I just hope it's nothing.

[highestformoflove]

071121

I'm starting to have feelings with this guy. Waiting for his reply. Nagpupuyat din ako for him habang nagwowork para di makatulog. Kaso ayun. Too early that he showed the real him. Umiinom and dominant and maoy. Nakainom siya. Then first time namin magusap. He really wants to go to my place. I declined kasi nakainom siya. Magddrive pa siya ng motor. Then nung vidcall. Pinaandaran agad ako ng "ano?! ililibre mo ko? Ililibre mo ko ng sabaw?" wtf?! Okay ka na eh. 1 week na tayo tuloy tuloy na magkausap. Kaso wala eh. Olats pala kausap sa personal/vidcall. Mas okay kausap sa chat.

Yung isa naman na nakakausap ko na manager. Alpha male. Pero di naman ako submissive type na tao. Ayuko ng rules. Pero mukhang okay siya. May vision para sa sarili saka pamilya.

Ewan ko talaga. Baka hindi pa talaga ko ready pumasok sa relationship. Baka talagang di pa ako dapat pumasok ulet sa relasyon. Hirap magmahal. Nakakapagod kumilala ng kumilala.

[highestformoflove]

051421

That feeling of emptiness even if katabi mo lang siya. I'm not sure if I'm still happy in this relationshit. He's best at making me feel worst out of myself.

"boring dito sa inyo." Am I not enough? Is my company making you bored?

Little by little I'm starting to loose my feelings for him.

I just hope one day it's still not too late.

[highestformoflove]

042621

He was supposedly back in Laguna. Dapat umuwi siya. But because nakipagbreak ako kahapon sa kanya. He stayed again. He knows what he did wrong and promise not to do it again. The fuck. Papabilog nanaman ba ako? After ko umiiyak ng umiyak kahapon and kept myself calm isang sorry, isang yakap. Okay na ulet?

Nakakapagod na ayusin ng ayusin yung relasyon namin. One day I'll just walk away. With no goodbyes.

[highestformoflove]

042521

He left my side and tumabi kay ate ghurl. Knowing na I'm there and sobrang layo niya sakin. Why? Then someone told me na they're flirting at work. For Pete's sake, family ko kaharap mo tapos gagawin mo yan and makikihits ka pa ng vape ni ghurl. Then sasabihan ako na "bat mo ko binabantayan?" "Bat di ka na matulog." 5am na. Then that made me walk away with word na "pag di ka sumunod na umakyat. Bahala ka na". And it's already 7am. My family was here sleeping except him. How will I cover up for him if they asked if where he is. The fuck. I don't deserve being treated this way. Edukado akong tao. May trabaho ko. May bahay ako. May motor. Nababayaran ko yung bills ko. I deserve to be treated better than this.

He'll never gonna change. I'm tired of trying to fix what's already broken. I'm tired of getting hurt while putting all the pieces back together. Once it's broken, it's better to leave it broken. The damage while putting back all the pieces isn't worth it.

[highestformoflove]

041621

12am

Was is still worth fighting? I need a sign or distraction from this feeling.

Bat kasi pandemic. Hirap aliwin yung sarili.

[highestformoflove]

041121

Akala ko ipaglalaban ako. Akala ko hindi. Bibitaw.

Akala ko lang pala yun.

[highestformoflove]

04/11/21

We tried. Atleast we tried.

I had the courage to tell him na walang nagbago. Na hindi natalaga kami masaya. And now he's sleeping on the couch. I don't know what to feel. It fucking Hurt's. I love him but I can't force him to stay if he's not happy anymore.

This is the end. This is the goodbye. This is the letting go part. I just have to accept na wala na. Kahit anong pilit. The 4yrs that we build together is now gone.

I just have to focus on myself for a while. Maybe it's time to think about myself first.

[highestformoflove]

As I back read to my old post. I kept on fighting for the relationship.

Is it time to let go? Is time to just walk away?

[highestformoflove]

040221

Silent battles you're fighting alone. I'm starting to have a depression and anxiety attacks. Can I stay longer in this relationshit. I don't want to lose him but it causing me my mental health.

Should I be the bigger person to walk away?

[highestformoflove]

040121

"Hindi na ako masaya."

When I heard thos words a waterfall of tears started to run down my face. Then something hits me. Napipilitan ka lang ba nung mga nakaraan na magkasama tayo? Parang binuhusan ako ng malamig na malamig na tubig. I thought he's just cheating. And I'm ready to forgive him. Magsabi lang siya ng totoo. But he said he did unblock all the people I told him to block because he wanted to make a fight. He wanted to see if he still cares or I still cares. If the love between us is still there. Because lately he thinks it's gone. And it hits me. I started not to care if he's playing. I started to sleep on my side of the bed instead of sleeping on his arms. I started to feel the distance between us but I didn't do anything. Cause I'm also tired of all his excuses. I just started not to care. So he'd done all those things to hurt me. To see if I still love him.

My anxiety is killing me. My mind is saying to just go with the flow. But my heart is aching and wants set him free.

I want space from him. If he's not happy with me, maybe he should find the hapiness he wants. I don't want to be selfish. But my mind and heart are contradicting.

But today is the first time in 4yrs that I saw him cry infront of me. Maybe he is hurting too.

I don't know what happened between us.

I just want us to be back the way we used to.

[highestformoflove]

It's true na malalaman mo lang ugali ng isang tao once na nagsama na kayo sa bahay. It will test your patience and makes you question if are you two are serious with each other. It gets comfortable that you don't control things coming out of your mouth. Bad habits that you don't know they possess.

I want to stop. But there is a part of me that is hoping for things to change.

[highestformoflove]

When you dreamt of your dead aunt finding your another recently dead aunt because they're about to leave. I have to let go of mama. I think that's the meaning of it. 😭😭😭😭

I tried to ignore what just happened. Iniisip ko umuwi lang siya ng probinsya. Ang sakit sakit kasi pag iniisip ko na wala na si mama. Wala na yung mama ko. Kahit di niya ko anak at tita ko lang siya. Mama ko siya eh.