highimkarl

[highimkarl]

ive found love again

its sweet and smells like handsoap 

doesn’t make me give it head without head in return 

buys me fries 

[highimkarl]

And you want to know what’s even MORE FUCKED UP? When there’s nice guys that I’m talking to, that GENUINELY GIVE A FUCK, that never ask for nudes or ask to fuck, I somehow am NOT interested. IT BORES ME. I’m not attracted to it. Like was my childhood that fucking chaotic that I can’t appreciate calm, kind, genuine human beings?? 

[highimkarl]

We really do only accept the love we think we deserve, in fact, we go out LOOKING for this exact kind of love. Why? Why can’t it be as easy as, I DONT DESERVE ASSHOLES THAT TAKE THE CONDOM OFF WITHOUT ME KNOWING EVEN WHEN I MADE IT VERY CLEAR I DIDN”T WANT TO FUCK WITHOUT ONE?? And I’ll still talk to him. I’ll still ask him about his day and genuinely care when he tells me about it. It’s fucked up. I don’t want to be this way anymore. I’m tired of feeling drained by whatever idea of love i have engraved in my brain. I know what love is, but I don’t know what it feels like to really be loved. 

[highimkarl]

[highimkarl]

emmaleger via instagram

[highimkarl]

[highimkarl]

[highimkarl]

[highimkarl]

[highimkarl]

[highimkarl]

Syrup is really living better than me

[highimkarl]

It’s so quiet. My head has no choice but to fill the silence. 

[highimkarl]

Clarity

I love the clarity behind anxiety once you find it. I have terrible anxiety. And I realized how bad it was when I came to realize it wasn’t stress related. I can have it for no reason at all. Life can be going great, and I’ll start to think that my life is going to end and my house is going to get set on fire if I don’t check the stove before I leave the house. I think having a boyfriend helped cope with these thoughts. Maybe it boils down to not feeling loved. Because the thoughts feel like they are meant to self sabatoge. Maybe I don’t feel worthy of good thoughts all the time. But I am. I’ll be okay. I’ll get through this. They are just thoughts and just a reminder that I really care for my life. I really care for the things I have anxiety towards. 

[highimkarl]

Free

This is the most clarity i have felt in years. Being so aware of life around me, my body, my feelings. It’s crazy how altered our perception becomes when most of energy revolves around another person. I’m happy now. I’m actually really fucking happy. I slept with a stranger last week, and I’m surprised that I wasn’t completely repulsed by it. It also made me realize that good sex isn’t actually that hard to find. This man knew what he was doing and I didn’t have to talk through anything whatsoever. It felt great to be intimate but not intimate at the same time with someone. This is a fucking revelation. Just 5 months ago I wanted to kill myself because of the relationship I was forcing myself to be in. I can’t believe what I put myself through. I could have left, but I killed myself into staying, and it literally almost killed me. Killed my soul. Made me a terrible person. I wish him well nonetheless though, because it wasn’t all his fault. I made mistakes too. But I’m so thankful I had the strength to get the fuck out of there. Life has been so beautiful since. 

[highimkarl]

My perception of love is pretty fucking tainted, because I don’t think Ive ever seen two healthy people in love. I didn’t even get the opportunity to experience healthy love from a parent. So it makes sense as to why I pick garbage men. I cling to them so hard my knuckles bleed. They show me the slightest bit of attention and im hooked because at least its something. Its pretty fucking sad is what it is. Everyone should try to be in love with me. It’d be pretty fucking easy on ya. I don’t ask for much; the bar is pretty fucking low. 

[highimkarl]

I think im approaching an epiphany

Meaningless sex is beginning to feel more meaningless 

he said he wasn’t big on the idea of fucking me while im on my period 

fuck you

the inner workings of my body are immaculate 

you should be honored to fuck me during my period 

its a celebration of fertility 

what more could a person want 

[highimkarl]

Self love starts from square one 

it’s unfamiliar and uncomfortable and isn’t that a fucking ironic concept?

lived in this skin for 23 years and it still seems like an introduction would be appropriate 

hi self; nice to meet you. Im here to take care of you and to remind you  that you’re incredible in all your forms. I’m sure you’ve gotten tired on waiting on someone else to do it.