hiiyaemilly-blog

[hiiyaemilly-blog]

We Aren't Okay

It’s been tough. Not just for me, or you, or the lady across the street with 15 cats. It’s been tough of EVERYONE. Life as we all knew it changed in a matter of hours as COVID-19 tore through the planet. 

Jobs shut down, human interaction restricted, lives lost, hearts broken and so many more emotionally straining changes that can’t be put into words.

It’s alright to feel lost, hell, I certainly have been. If you were sitting in a room with one thousand people, essential & non essential workers, and they all answered honestly, I’m sure we’d all be in the same boat of mixed emotions that no one knows how to handle. 

Some haven’t had any life altering experiences as quarantine has progressed. Although you consider yourself lucky, it still sucks, I know. You loose your sense of ‘why’. What’s driving you to be the best you can be everyday? The only person you have to get you through isolation is yourself if you think about it. At the end of the day even if you're living with five other people, or making phone calls to check in with your friends, when you close your eyes to soak in the universe, you’re still the only one to deal with your internal battles. 

I don't care what anyone’s social media looks like (typically as though their life is filled with shitting rainbows & never stubbing their pinky toe on the corner of the end table- you aren’t fooling anyone), you're guilty of comparing your life to someone else's- you & I both know it. I have too, don’t think for a second that makes you crazy, we're all human seeking to fit in. But, if you take two minutes to stare into your own eyes through a mirror to seek in your soul what's really going on, you'll find what's you’re missing, what your heart is yearning to fix or seeking for attention. 

Today, that's exactly what I did. I looked into my soul to search for what I can do to heal my hurt from this unexpected life process. 

I’ve been in a funk. Every morning it’s a struggle to get out of bed. The most physical activity I’ve endured on a daily basis is walking my dog. I’ve gone from exercising daily & crushing workouts to a couch potato real quick. It’s okay to be honest and say you have too. The ‘why’ hasn't been there. 

I’m going to tell you why my world stopped spinning & my heart stopped beating to the happy tune it usually does. The first week of quarantine we lost one of our best friends & family members. It was a long process one the last year. (I’m not going to go into too much backstory as its too raw and an open wound still healing in our hearts). I say we meaning my fiancé, myself and his great grandmother. Yes there are other family members that are mourning too, but I've watched this loss take the largest toll on those specifically listed. 

Five days at home on hospice care. Five short days to spend with someone you love before they're gone forever. And forever is a hard pill to swallow.

Prior to being released from the hospital, we weren’t allowed to see him for about a week because they shut down all visitation. My last day with him in the hospital I cried and laughed and talked about the dumbest things because I didn't know if he could hear me. I played a few songs on my phone and sang not knowing if he’d be able to hear more music after my departure. 

I cried that whole drive home- not knowing what was going to happen. It crushed us all. 

Fast forward- we got five days with him. Every morning we sat in his room and drank coffee. Turbo was beyond excited to see her BFF (I don’t say that lightly, she would do anything for him). On the sixth day he was gone. 

‘Living’ was put on pause. However, we moved forward with the everyday wake up, shuffle around the house and go back to bed routine. Emotionally processing it all wasn't happening. I know it still hasn't happened for me, especially since we’ve had a serious amount of distractions. 

All I can do is look at how we’ve changed and how we’re lucky to have each other. But, we're at a battle with ourselves.

That’s what's caused the most hurt throughout this process. Of course, I miss my job and I miss my people. I’ve found that's not my underlying issue here. It’s true when they say you loose a piece of yourself, I’ve been feeling that ache. I feel the sting in my heart when the mood changes when we talk about him & watching the people I love hurts so deeply. 

I’m excited to get back to a new normal way of life. Going to work, seeing my friends, seeing my patients, listening to music on my long drive to and from work. I think it will help me process better & I’m hoping it will help those around me too. 

Today, I took the time to figure myself out emotionally. I took the time to workout to get some endorphins going. I can only go up from here. I’m hoping my positivity will help create a security blanket for those who need it to help them heal. I always want to stay honest with myself and with the world, which I’ve been striving to do more of over the past year. I’ve had really deep emotional conversations about things I usually can’t talk about to keep myself honest about how I’m feeling. I encourage everyone to do the same. 

You’re your own greatest healer & although you aren't okay now, you will be at some point if you put the time into soul searching within yourself. 

[hiiyaemilly-blog]

For The Girl That Can’t Get Away

This isn't a cry for help or an attention seeking post. It's more of a way to let out frustration & pent up emotions that I just can't seem to say to another living breathing human being. The constant struggles inside my mind that make everyday life somewhat of a challenge. I hope this reaches those who need it most, the ones who feel lost or helpless in an ever changing world where no matter what you try, you can't keep up.

So here it is- For The Girl That Can't Get Away.

Another day, another blank page to be written. After a restless night of helpless attempts to re cooperate for the next busy day. Your brain is ready to rumble before your alarm clock gets the chance to wake you from a restful slumber. You want to be positive, you really do, but that's something you know may not be the case depending on what social situation sparks the flame inside you that unravels the deepest darkest place you keep hidden in your heart.

You go through the morning routine- brush teeth & hair, dress in your best jeans that are usually slightly too short (thanks Levi), let the dog out, pack your lunch, sip coffee that doesn't seems to cool until lunchtime and venture out into the real world. The sun rises before you which you always take a moment to thank the universe to have allowed you to see another day, to feel the air across your fresh naturally imperfectly perfect face. (Let's face it- I couldn't apply makeup in a fashionable way if I tried & I'm okay with that).

Waiting on the phone to ring to be saved from the thoughts drowning your every move. You can't escape it- why me? One of the many questions that bring ache to my soul. Why have I been the one to be incapable of moving forward with the shitty hand life has dealt. I'm not saying everything in life is garbage, but when your a female in a committed relationship of almost nine years at your prime age of reproduction- dealing with infertility can be a real Debbie downer.

That's right, I said the 'I' word, Infertility.

Now, I know what some of you will say- you're not married yet, you're still so young, you just need to relax... it'll happen for you when the time is right. (please go back are reread these statements in the voice you use to mock your mother in an argument). It's annoying & honestly hurtful. Until you've experienced the loss of your growing baby in your whom or struggle with conceiving- you DO NOT have the right for input of that nature. I know what you're going to say next- I'm just trying to help, look at the silver lining, that's not what I meant. Reality check (insert hair flip) it doesn't help, no words can help.

'You have Endometriosis'. Diagnosed as one of the most severe cases your gyno has ever seen at age 20. I was told by second and third opinions that carrying to term would be nearly impossible. Me being my naive self never thought it would be true. Here we are suffering from a third miscarriage & it turns out the doctors were right.

I can't describe how every woman feels enduring the grueling reality of this, but I can relate. Point blank- it sucks. The past year has caused an overwhelming amount of heart ache in my bubble. No amount of screaming the words to Lizzo's new hit can mask the emptiness you feel. There was a point where I felt the only option was to pack up my shit and go. Retreat to the wilderness where I feel complete. This still taunts me as the right choice to make, but I know when I returned I would get a good ass whooping from my support system. Running isn't the answer.

Lately, I've labeled my situation as living in my own personal hell. I can't get away from it. At work, best friends, strangers in public- all pregnant & openly discussing it like they know I'm drowning. In reality they don't, I'm just hypersensitive to anything revolving around reproduction. I was able to suppress the pain when I didn't have a reminder every turn I took. Not so much anymore. The feeling is indescribable, like a theoretical knife stabbing a twisting my overly damaged reproductive organs. All the while my eyes welling up with tears that I don't shed due to having cried more than my fair share. It haunts you.

I replay the times where my people have 'broken the news' to me. Starting it with "I hope you don't hate me for this", "I understand if you don't want to be involved", "I'm really sorry", those words struck me right where it hurt. People expect for you to be a soulless bitch towards the more fortunate just because you can't grow a child of your own. Surprise, I'm happy to be involved. I'm happy to share the journey with you because, in reality, I may never get these moments of my own. In all honesty, I'm a selfish girl who wants to live vicariously through you.

At least that’s what I thought I wanted. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was one person, but to be surrounded at all times by women who are able to carry and deliver a beautiful mash up of themselves and their soul mate into one human being it’s kinda exhausting. To top it off- their mentally on to the next best thing... a diamond ring. It takes all that I have to not wack someone upside the head when I hear the bull like that fall from their lips.You’re more worried about a useless piece of jewelry that anyone could buy for you while I’m over here with sweaty palms trying to decide which body part I would sell on the black market just to become pregnant carry full term. 

Some days are harder than others. Listening to the silly complaints of having to pee every five minutes or hating that all you crave is junk food can take its toll. I wanted that to be me. A lot of women want that to be us, but here we are- stuck in rut of feeling like you should be ashamed of your struggles. For a long time I wouldn't talk about loss because I felt like it was a no- no subject. Look at me now! I'm changing my thought process & you can too.

The pain never gets easier, your feelings may never change, but at the end of the day you're not alone. You may feel that you are, you may feel like you're the only person struggling with this day by day. Take the few minutes to listen to that sad freaking song and ugly cry until you're ready to look yourself in the mirror and say out loud "I can do this". Seek an outlet of ways to 'talk it out' even if it means writing everything on a blank sheet of paper and burning it when you're ready to let go. Whatever it takes, keep on keeping on. 

If after reading this you feel that you need a shoulder, reach out- I love to find ways to distract myself & you're more than welcome to be a part of it too.

After all, I have too much love and there's never too many people to share it with...

~ The Girl That Can't Get Away