hksaram-blog
hksaram-blog
life
20 posts
what i feel.
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hksaram-blog · 1 year ago
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6/25/24 Tuesday
It's been a while. 7 years and 1 month since my last post. Time has gone by so fast especially with 2 kids. I"m still struggling, had my ups and downs but it just seems like I'm constantly struggling financially. I finally stood up to my dad in march. I couldn't stand it anymore and just spoke up when he started talking down to my wife. I had to protect my wife and I finally fought back with him and left. It's been almost 4 months now since i've done that and haven't spoken to him since. I don't know how I feel. I feel bad because I'm breaking the commandments by God of honoring your parents, yet it was just too toxic in that relationship. I feel bad that my parents aren't able to see their grandkids. I don't know what to do. If it was just me, I don't need to see him at all. But that is selfish of me for my kids not to see their grandparents. I just don't know what to do. Other than that, of course I"m financially struggling. God has helped me always and somehow someway we are getting by, but I owe alot of money to my cousin and some money to my friends. It's taking a toll on me but I'm doing the best I can to keep it together.
Dear Heavenly Father,
I come to you again in the time of need. I'm sorry for always coming to you in a time of need, but please somehow someway help me overcome these obstacles. Lead me to your path and guide to your ways. Please help me make the right decisions. Especially with my situation with my father. Right now I don't know what to do. You know how i feel about this situation. I'm definitely having less stress because I don't deal with him, but I am not honoring him this way, so please guide me Lord. Also, please help me with my financial situation. Please give me another opportunity and this time please help me be ready for the opportunity if you do provide it for me and help me manage my finances better. Please help me pay back what I owe and also to pay my mortgage on time. Please help me lead my family as a husband and father and take care of my family. Lord, I have many faults, Please help me overcome those faults. Please help my sister with her financial difficulties and her issues with our father. Also please watch over my mom and she is a bystander of this conflict with my dad. Please watch over her health and help her deal with her loneliness and not being able to see me or her grand children. Please Lord help me. I thank you so much for always being there for me, please continue to do so and help me be a better person. Help me become a person that you want me to be. I thank you Lord, and I love you Lord. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
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hksaram-blog · 8 years ago
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Wednesday 5/25/17
It’s been awhile.  It’s been hard recently.  I have two kids now and it’s really been hard.  Basically its financial hardship.  I can’t keep up with costs and I borrow money and can’t pay it back.  It’s so hard.  Today was especially hard.  I was driving to take my kids to the babysitter and the music was on and the kids were quiet, falling asleep in the back.  My mind was wandering about all the stresses and worries in my life.  I started to think about suicide, about jumping off my office building and how it would be, then all of a sudden my son from the back calls me.  Appa.  and then again, Appa. nothing else.   I look at my rear view mirror and see his face and I immediately stop thinking about such nonsense.  My son somehow knew and stopped me and made me realize how horrible of me to even think about leaving my wife and kids hanging without a husband, a father.  Lord, please forgive me for thinking about such stupid thoughts.  but, I am struggling Lord.  Because of my financial issues, I have created animosity between my friends and I.  It’s just so hard to deal with.  Please Lord, please help me take care of my family.  Please help me support my family and also pay back all I owe.  I know you are always there for me and always loving me blessing me.  Please Lord, forgive me for coming to you constantly in a time of need, but I need your help once again.  Thank you heavenly father.  I love you and Thank you.  
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hksaram-blog · 11 years ago
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12/1/14 Monday Evening
I've realized how fucked up my family is.  How selfish each and everyone is, except for my mom.  My dad is fucked up and fucks you up emotionally and mentally.  He beat the shit out of me when i was young and till this day i'm scared of this fucking ass.  My sister just fucking ran away from everything and is a bitch.  Shes a fucking selfish bitch too.  When i want to talk about things, never has the time, but when she wants to, she vents her ass off.  I've dealt with it all my life, but just now...I lost it.  I really lost it.  It's been tough for me, married life, having a baby coming and it doesn't help that my wife has a fucked up family too.  I guess I'm just blaming everyone for my really built up frustrations.  I just want to go do something crazy.  All I could do is cuss.  That's the problem, I can't' do shit.  I'm still scared.  I"m fucking scared.  I have no fucking life.  Fuck me.  Fuck you.  
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hksaram-blog · 11 years ago
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2/18/14 Monday Night/Tuesday Morning
I think about losing my Grandma a lot these days.  When God takes her to heaven.  I love her so much and yet I know at age 96, she doesn't have much time to live.  I don't know what I would do without her.  Never imagined my life without her.  She's been my Grandma, my mentor, my hero, my best friend.  I cry every time I think about her not being in my life and I pray to God to please take away years from my life and give it to her and God has done that and I am blessed to have had her in my life for this long.  Lord, please continue to watch over her, please keep her healthy, safe, and most importantly...happy.  Please allow her to enjoy the rest of the days she has on earth.  Please stop giving her pain and please help her enjoy her life.  I thank you for blessing me with such a great person in my life.  A person who has loved me, cared for me, raised me.  Thank you Lord.  Please continue to allow her to be in my life. I love you.  I love her.  Thank you.  In Jesus name I pray.  Amen.  
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hksaram-blog · 11 years ago
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01/15/14 Wed night/Thurs morn
God is great.  I am so loved by God.  God delivers all his promises in his own time.  I have prayed and prayed for many years and he has protected me till he delivered his promise.  Jesus is alive, living in my heart, embracing me when I'm sad.  I'm so blessed to feel his love, to be protected by him.  I love you so much.  The way God works is just incredible, yet it is not.  God is Almighty, he can do anything.  Please Lord, continue to help me become closer to you, to live the way that you want me to live, to live the way Jesus lived.  Sacrificing, loving, teaching your word, sharing my love for you with others and bringing them to you so they can feel your love and blessing just the way I have.  I love you.  Everything  that happens, there is a reason, and so please help me accept whatever happens, whatever occurrences to be your plan for me.  I am so blessed.  
I, we, are all little Jesus'.  Help us overcome whatever obstacles we face with your love, your guidance and blessing.  Thank you God.  I love you.
Today, once again I felt your blessing.  I lost the 700 dollars for tshirts for our retreat in the bathroom and boba time, yet you helped get it back.  Through this incident, once I again, I have learned how great you are.  Thank you.  
Please continue to not only love and bless me, but continue to watch over all my loved ones, including my fiance, mom, dad, grandma, sister, and all my family and friends.  Help them feel your love and blessing and please help them receive you in their hearts and souls.   
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZFN8TBfgNU
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hksaram-blog · 12 years ago
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10/4/13 Thurs night/Friday morning
day turns to night, night turns to day. slowly the sun comes up and slowly the sun goes down.  where am i? what am i doing? i lie here doing nothing. i cannot feel the seconds going by.  the minutes, the hours, the days, the months, the years.  i'm numb to it all.  only worry on my mind.  only the stresses.  my mind is always racing yet my body is lagging behind.  i want to do so many things but its only in the mind.  how do i change?  how do i catch up to my mind?  how long will this last?  how long can i continue to do this?  i need to change.  i must not be afraid of change.  i must take a stand.  i must do something.  help me. help me God.  
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hksaram-blog · 12 years ago
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5/19/13 Sunday night
There's a lot going on.  My grandma is suffering.  My dad is having issues. My Aunt is sad.  My mom is struggling too.  I'm struggling.  God, this is a time that we need your love and blessing.  Please Lord, please help my Grandma see from her eye again, I will give her some of my sight to her, if she can see again.....will I?  I will.  I can deal with it better than she can.  I just want my grandma to be comfortable.  She doesn't have much years left to live.  
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hksaram-blog · 13 years ago
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12/9/2012 Sat night/Sun morning
God is Good.  
I have always believed in God.  Ever since I was a child, I remember getting on my knees and praying.  And I always remember him answering my prayers.  Always.  I've been blessed all my life to have been loved by God.  But God loves all of his children, which we all are.  I've been blessed to realized his love though.  I know I have a far ways to go, but one advice I would like to give is if one opens his heart and accepts God's love.  They will see how much God loves them and affects their daily lives.  I have.  I feel I always have someone to turn to when I'm feeling down or in trouble.  Maybe that's wrong, to turn to him only when I need him, but I am always thankful.  No matter what.  I love you God.  Thank you for always loving me and blessing me.  I know I'm still weak spiritually, but I will try to be stronger and be a better person.  Thank you God.  Thank you for always being there for me no matter how I act or how I feel.  I love you.  
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hksaram-blog · 13 years ago
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2/29/12 Tues night/Wed morning. Love.
Love is such a powerful word.  It's such a meaningful word.  Love can end wars yet it can create wars.  People live and die for the sake of love.  It is true that love is used nonchalantly and many times taken for granted.  Love is the inspiration for songs and poems.  Although love is such a sacred word, I believe it should be used.  It should be used as often and as much as you want.  It is a wonderful feeling for someone to hear that they are loved and feel loved by another.  Love lifts peoples spirits.  Love gives meaning to lives.  If you love someone, say it as often as you can.  Don't worry about wearing the word out, because love can never be worn out.  Love is wonderful. I love you all.   
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hksaram-blog · 13 years ago
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2/15/2012 Tuesday night/Wednesday morning
I love her.  I really love her.  God, you've always provided me with everything.  You've always watched over me.  You've always listened to me, always answered my prayers in some way.  I thank you.  I pray to you once again.  Please, if she is the one you have chosen for me to be the one for me for the rest of my life...please let everything go smoothly.  You know what I'm worried about Lord.  You know his opinion affects me so much.  Please let him accept her and like her.  Please help him put aside his stereotypical ways and accept her as his daughter.  Help them get along.  I put my trust and faith in you Lord, as I always have.  I love you.  I come to you once again to please help me.  Thank you God.  
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hksaram-blog · 13 years ago
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1/14/12 Saturday
How come every time he gets involved everything just gets complicated?  Why does he have to make everything so complicating?!!!  why?!!!  it's so fucking frustrating.  I try to communicate with him, I try to understand him....but he's just beyond that.  I wonder if he knows he's that frustrating to deal with?  I know I have my faults too and I'm part of the blame also, but  i cannot communicate with him.  I cannot!  It's impossible!  Please God, please help my father and I communicate better. Please help me understand him and help him understand me.  We always have this animosity towards each other, please help us relieve that animosity.  Please help understand each other and coexists together in harmony.  I love you Lord, please help me love him.  I thank you for everything you have done for me.  But please help me become a better person and please help me change so I can get along better with my father. Through you, I know I can achieve anything.  please help me understand that.  Thank you Lord.  In Jesus' name we I pray...Amen.
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hksaram-blog · 14 years ago
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10/28/11 1:46 am
Why is life so hard sometimes.  I have my problems in my life.  And I know I don't know how to face these obstacles and I tend to avoid them and hope and pray that they go away.  I know this isn't the way to deal with these problems, but it seems like it has been the only way I've dealt with it.  I know I'm blessed my God.  I know he's always there for me, but I know I shouldn't use that as an excuse to ignore my problems.  I seem to be affected more when other's are struggling, and I want to help them somehow, someway.  I see people struggling with issues that I've been blessed to not have to worry about and I get sad.  Issues such as residency issues in the U.S. or people who don't have their families here in the States.  They work so hard here to live the American dream.  To meet someone here and live a good life in the U.S.  It's not a bad dream to have.  They have all the right to strive for those dreams.  Yet, a lot of these people can't seem to reach those goals and dreams.  They work hard, live a good Christian life.  Yet they're struggling and have no one to turn to when they are feeling down.  I feel for them.  I want to help them.  All I can do is pray to God that they be blessed and loved just as He as blessed and loved me.  
Lord, you have blessed me with so many good people in my life.  People who always care for me, love me, and help me.  I know I'm blessed by you.  I know you are always watching over me.  I thank you so much for never leaving my side, always there for me answering my prayers.  Please Lord, please watch over these people too.  Please help them reach their goals.  Please help them live happy, healthy lives with you in their hearts.  I love you so much Lord.  Please bless and love those that need you.  I know you do.  I know you're watching over everyone.  But please give them the strength and belief to go on and work hard to reach their goals and dreams.  Thank you so much for everything you have done for me.  Thank you so much Lord.  You have always been there for me, and I thank you and love you for it.  Amen.  
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hksaram-blog · 14 years ago
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Wednesday 8/3/11
My heart hurts.  She has another man.  I guess God has a different direction for me.  Thank you for helping my find out that there was another guy.  It does help me move on a little bit easier although I am still hurting.  My faith in you Lord has not faltered at all.  It is stronger.  Whatever path you have created for me, I will follow.  Thank you Lord.  
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hksaram-blog · 14 years ago
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Thursday 7/28/11
I acted too soon.  I really liked her.  I don't know what or how to feel right now.  I feel hurt.  My heart hurts.  God is punishing me for the sins I have committed, which I accept because I deserve it.  I'm sorry.  Should I keep hope and hope that she might come around in the future?  Or should I give up?  It's so hard not to tell anyone my true emotions.  I wish someone just give some advice on what to do.  All I can do talk to God and ask him to direct me towards the right direction.  My life is almost at rock bottom.  I will get back up though.  I will.  I liked her so much though.  Lord please help me and I'm sorry.  Pleas forgive me.  I liked her so much.  :(
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hksaram-blog · 14 years ago
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Tuesday 7.26.11
I've tried.  I don't know what will happen.  I've sinned again.  I can't keep doing this. Please God, help me be stronger.  Help me.  I'm so sorry Lord.  I'm so sorry for constantly disappointing you.  You've blessed me time and time again with your love and grace, yet I keep taking advantage of it.  Please forgive me Lord.  Please help me be stronger and fight the urges of the devil.  I will follow your path and I know you will lead me towards the right path when you decide the time is right.  I love you and I'm sorry. 
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hksaram-blog · 14 years ago
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7/20/11 Wednesday morning
You're beautiful inside and out.  You have such a kind and warm heart without a doubt.  You're smart, have a great personality, and other features including being a great teacher.  You're faith is strong and God definitely loves you.  You make me always want to better myself too.  You said that timing is important and I hope this is the right time...to ask you...will you be mine?  
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hksaram-blog · 14 years ago
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Tuesday
I am thankful.
My life at its worst is still better than so many people's lives out there.  That's how I think when I start feeling sorry and have self pity.  I have been blessed to have a place to live, eat whatever and whenever I want, and have loving family and friends. 
Thank you God.
We made up.  She called me yesterday, and I told her I'm sorry.  She's a good girl.
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