vilevexedvixen

[vilevexedvixen]

So, my grandad had a secretary.

He's dyslexic, though didn't officially get it diagnosed until much later in life. Didn't stop him from becoming a competant engineer! So much of his paperwork and other aspects of work that he would struggle with due to his dyslexia were taken care of by his secretary. They were a normal part of the workplace. A vital role that women were unfortunately expected to do with minimal appreciation or credit, but (provided it is no longer a role expected specifically of women and actually receives the pay and recognition it deserves) one which I think should be brought back! Seeing my parents be expected to do more and more outside of their official job criteria without extra pay as their team members are fired to "save money", we NEED the load to be lightened so people aren't worked to an early grave!

In many ways, AI is actually filling the role that secretaries once held. Think about it - Spellchecking, compiling tasks/info, organisation, stuff like that. Sure some people use it to do ALL the work for them, but I completely get the need for some uses of AI. Due to environmental and ethical damages AI both has and will continue to cause if it persists, I think secretaries should be re-established as a normal part of life to replace AI!

[vilevexedvixen]

Damn I really was overthinking it, huh?

[vilevexedvixen]

[vilevexedvixen]

When pointing out these very obvious signs my mum went, "Yeah, I know but you need to stop being that way or else you'll never get by". Wow! Thanks! Might as well tell a blind man to replace his eyes or else he'll never be able to see 'properly'. Casual batshit ablism aside, I'm making it work and if that baffles her then be baffled!

Fairly sure I have ADHD but will likely not be medicated (officially) for several years!

I literally fulfill enough of the diagnostic criteria for ADHD to qualify for medication:

Often has trouble holding attention on tasks or play activities.

Often has trouble organizing tasks and activities.

Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to do tasks that require mental effort over a long period of time (such as schoolwork or homework).

Is often easily distracted.

Is often forgetful in daily activities

Often fidgets with or taps hands or feet, or squirms in seat (*NOTE: I repressed these with immense amount of effort for fear of being bullied, because even minor fidgets like licking my lips or "blinking too much" were noticed by my peers who then felt compelled to pull my hair, poke me, and laugh at me for it. These days I am almost constantly fidgeting, because I have more control over the company I'm in and have the confidence to put up with judgemental assholes in public.)

Often leaves seat in situations when remaining seated is expected

Often runs about or climbs in situations where it is not appropriate (adolescents or adults may be limited to feeling restless)

Is often “on the go” acting as if “driven by a motor.” (*It is physically painful for me to walk slowly / slower than my usual brisk pace. I struggle to be present.)

Often talks excessively (*My 9 in English Language and 8 in English Literature (that's A++ and A+ for Americans) is mostly due to this!)

Often blurts out an answer before a question has been completed (*I know when my partner is about to ask me to brush his hair before he's finished the first word. I struggle to stop myself from doing this with my mum because I know it annoys her since my step-dad has a habit of talking over her. Most stories are boring to me because of how predictable they are, so I prefer more esoteric and abstract work, or those that are more viscerally disturbing or emotionally provocative such as tragedies. I regularly get into stories out of chronological order or only engaging with the bits I find interesting while skipping the "filler"- unless I've latched onto a particular character or it is a book, which I instead read slowly and often have to re-read bits due to processing it wrong.)

Often has trouble waiting their turn (*I have to distract myself / forget about things or else I would go mad waiting. People IRL consider me remarkably patient and calm, but that is a farce :3)

Often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games) (*I have learnt to avoid this but I still get it wrong sometimes.)

I also meet these criteria:

Several inattentive or hyperactive-impulsive symptoms were present before age 12 years.

Several symptoms are present in two or more settings, (such as at home, school or work; with friends or relatives; in other activities).

There is clear evidence that the symptoms interfere with, or reduce the quality of, social, school, or work functioning.

Unsure if a different disorder could explain all this better.

This, like with autism, is something neither of my parents thought to get diagnosed. I got no additional support in school, in fact I was often expected to act as an unofficial teaching assistant to other students because I was a "good student". My parents were often frustrated that I would change my extracurricular activities fairly often. Most only lasted a year or two: Athletics, ice skating, scouts, aikido, drama, mandarin... Most of which fell through because eventually I always dreaded going. Sick to my stomach, dread. It didn't matter if I was good at the activity, it didn't matter if I initially enjoyed it or even still did! Like clockwork, eventually, I would hate it and be desperate to move on. I never made friends in any of my clubs. I was frustrated that the friend groups that were there seemed more interested in talking than actually engaging in the club's activities. But since that was no different from my school experience until year 10, that wasn't really what I think made me want to leave.

Alongside all that I had about a dozen hobbies and interests that also changed regularly even if I returned to them. It's less that I would stop caring about something entirely once I moved onto something else, rather it was put on hold - ready to be returned to in my own time. Writing, drawing, painting, sewing, cosplay, keyboard/piano, german language, video games, exercise and aerial dance in terms of hobbies. That's just counting the ones I've stuck with for nearly a decade now, not the many I attempted and truly dropped like game design, animation, football, violin, knitting, and all the ones I listed in my afterschool clubs. Then there's all the fandoms / games / shows I love which I flip-flop between like a jaunty merri-go-round!

My older sister (as a kid; she's lovely now she's grown up) mocked me for "being in my own world", things I added to conversations not "making sense" with the flow of the conversation even after explaining my train of thought to her, and my difficulties filtering out visual and auditory distractions at school. It never mattered how much I reached out for help or described my struggles, I never got any support - while boys in my class with the exact same issues got to study in their own special room(s) with an extra member of staff to help them. But oh no! I guess I scored too highly in that one english test for my struggles to be real (even as I flunk a different subject because of them and instead of seeing that as an indicator they just go "oh no - try harder" or "lol I knew you were secretly stupid" like wtf????).

This isn't part of the diagnostic criteria, but I remember the kids who all got ADHD diagnoses being little shits - which the adults around me considered me to not be and therefore couldn't be ADHD! Those other kids who acted in the most sadistic ways a kid could get away with were always excused because they "couldn't help it", but me? Oh I guess I was always responsible despite ALSO being a fucking child with the same fucking issues - oh but I COULD help it, could I? I developed massive internalised ableism, unsurprisingly. Both out of vitriole against what I saw as misdiagnosed bullies using it as an excuse to escape accountability, and because I was always told all my difficulties were in my control and dependent on how much I effort I put in. I've only just about worked through it since attending uni, but the guilt is still there.

I am fairly certain irritability is a pretty tell-tale sign of ADHD in children, or at least it was when my classmates were getting diagnosed. I have the fire of a thousands suns simmering inside me most of the time and, (again) like clockwork, I would have a violent meltdown about once a year. Usually resulting in whomever was stupid enough to target me that day being sent home bleeding or crying. But again, not cause for diagnosis! Even after the third incident. Comedy comes in threes so I feel I have to laugh or else I'd cry with how ridiculously blind my teachers were!

I cannot stress enough just how fucking obvious all this was. It was in broad daylight and STILL no one thought to help even when directly asked! Is it any fucking wonder that I am suffering from such profound skill regression and burnout after YEARS of this shit. Seeing manipulative assholes get doted on while I was expected to not only truck on with no help but actively kiss their fucking arses!

[vilevexedvixen]

Inside of me there are two Squirtles

[vilevexedvixen]

how are you gonna be 31 and posting fandom content bro leave it to the teenagers

People 10 and 20 years older than me are writing your favorite fanfics, and drawing your favorite characters. You'd have no fandom without the people you think are 'too old' to have hobbies.

[vilevexedvixen]

This comic from Lilo the Autistic Queer (@A_Silent_Queer on Twitter) made me smile today. There is no one way to look trans, and no one way to transition. However you choose to express your authentic self is good and doing what makes you happy regardless of what cis people think is good.

[vilevexedvixen]

Kink and Film

A few months ago our uni held a small film event meant to highlight the breadth of sexuality, with me responsible for picking the "kink" film. 50 Shades would be the worst to pick unless it was specifically to showcase how BDSM shouldn't be performed / misconceptions around kink. Trying to research films that specifically focus on kink just got progressively more frustrating, as most were along the lines of "This cruel, evil, devious person takes their kinks too far and kills people / themselves". Not quite bury your gays, but a pattern of kinksters being painted as inherently tragic, mentally ill, and / or unsafe was disheartening to say the least. Not to mention the over-fixation on a very narrow set of kinks (impact play (mostly whips), pain play, latex and Master/Mistresses).

Having sat on it long after the event folded, I think I now know what films I would pick:

The Shape of Water, The Menu, and Fight Club.

The Shape of Water is a film I absolutely adore! Inherently, Elisa experiences the world differently to those around her. And as it turns out, her way of communicating is remarkably alike the amphibian man's! Finding joy in communicating with him before eventually aiding his escape, going so far as to submerge part of her apartment for their comfort as they explore even more of each other. The film is easy to connect with for many who are in any way alienated from the world around them, be it because of neurodivergence, disability, identity, etc. Often the ways we connect with others, especially those in a similar boat are considered inherently deviant. Sensory play, submersion, different anatomy, all of it resembles kink at least a little even if it wasn't trying to. Makes it feel human rather than monstrous...

Unlike The Shape of Water, there is not any particular romantic or sexual text or subtext beyond establishing characters' relationship dynamics on a surface level. It is a psychological thriller through and through which structurally resembled Midsommer (with the titles for each course, the gradual descent into absurd violence, ending ceremonial garb and flames...) but was personally a much more enjoyable watch for me than Midsommer was. Masterfully playing with tension to be both humorous and unnerving- The men running off before Chef can finish explaining the rules of the chase, conveniently leaving the audience in the dark of what will happen to them once they're caught whilst also being a completely understandable reaction from someone seizing the opportunity to escape; being handed the desert, making it clear they'd been caught but hesitating just enough to think that maybe it's bait to make them reveal themselves; the pompous food reviewers being able to suspend their disbelief for so much longer than the other guests as a man brutalises himself in front of them; stuff like that! So, how the hell does kink relate to any of this? For me, it's the power dynamics, cognitive dissonance in the disconnect between the visceral brutality used to deepen the very abstract themes of the crafted dishes. The joy of serving people and how that can be lost when it is taken too seriously (side note- I love how in Chef's criticism of Tyler's overanalysis of gourmet cuisine - ruining the "mystery" as it were - concludes with him whispering something neither the audience, nor the other characters can hear, fittingly mysterious even if we do then see what Tylor does). Do I think anything kinky was meant in the text? No, but it ticks several boxes regardless!

I actually later brought up Fight Club when covering Impact Play at uni, its appeal and how to properly check-in and maintain consent throughout it (using one of the induction scenes as an example to compare to, obviously leaving a lot to be desired but was a fun thought exercise). Fight Club is much more clearly about masculinity, alienation, trying to find a purpose in what is otherwise a dull, meaningless life build on consumption rather than visceral experiences/feeling. Kink, including impact play, fulfills a similar role to Fight Club as an outlet for such frustrations.

Honorable mention... I haven't seen the film adaptation of Angela Carter's Company of Wolves, but I have seen a theatrical aerial adaptation of it that was an absolutely masterful use of space, light and voice-work! I brought fellow kink society members to a showing after seeing it for free the first time. Being on a circular stage, there is at least one scene that looks best from a certain angle. Where we were sat at the first showing, the framing of Red's undressing by the fire as the hunter/werewolf looks on, well... the play-writes knew exactly what they were doing when they set that scene up! The story as a whole is a coming of age story where Red both (through her family) learns to fear the forest and wolves, constantly pushing back against her family's fearmongering - consistently empathising with and relating to the wolves throughout. Eventually becoming one of them by the play's end with a beautifully choreographed non-explicit abstract "sex" scene using aerial silks. I really really wished this play was recorded. (Side note- Each actor/actress also assisted with producing the sound effects in real time when not on stage, with the hunter doing an impressively convincing baby voice and another making heartbeat sounds with his throat!) Once the play was over, one of the society members said "It was a good play, but what does it have to do with kink?", which dumbfounded me a little. Angela Carter writes erotic re-interpretations of classic fairy tales. Both in the story itself and the masterful acting, it absolutely played into primal kink and monsterfuckery. On a metaphorical level, Red's character journey is one of embracing her wolf-like aspects which society fears and condemns but which aren't strictly harmful while also weilding the power being human grants her. The line "Am I too bright for you, Sir?" did amuse me somewhat since it's clearly avoiding "Am I too hot for you?" when she assumes the role of fire to assert dominance over the wolf. I get that if you aren't into primal play or more flexible switch-y dynamics then the kinky subtext might fly over your head, but it felt so on the nose that their question just seemed strange?

All this is to say, I'm sick of kink being limited to basic BDSM mistresses and harmful stereotypes of kinksters as deranged, dangerous loons! We are human, exploring the breadth of our senses and imagination as humans always have. Enjoyment has always been personal and varied, and the societal limitations of what is acceptable to enjoy is relative to each time period. Don't get me started with spanking in the 18th century, or needles/piercing in the 19th century...

I would love to hear other peoples' suggestions for films they would pick in how they (even if only on a personal level) relate to kink!

[vilevexedvixen]

I've literally walked my parents through multiple plausible plans to work and hopefully build my own home / community and usually they just shut down and go "Ok then", or "That sounds difficult". Life is difficult (made more difficult by late capitalism) so I would rather take what little control I have and minimise my rent / mortgage and energy bills by at least /trying/ to live somewhat self-sufficiently and sustainably!

The assumption that to even consider an alternative is to ignore the challenges and drawbacks that come with each alternative is bullshit. Sure, some people looked at cottage-core and got the impression a "simple rural life" is easy, but trust me I know crops fail, I know things break, and I know it's dirty! I am picking this battle because I would rather face certain discomfort than the precarious uncertainty of working a job that AI may take in a year or two and will never be paid enough to match inflation.

Anywho!

Yeah it's wild ^^'

Not having a traditional job or plans to get an education will have people asking you things like so what is the purpose of you staying alive?

[vilevexedvixen]

It’s okay to have fantasies that you would never want to do in reality. It’s okay to have fantasies that you don’t want to do with other people. It’s okay to try things in real life and decide you only like them in fantasy. It’s okay to only like certain things in certain contexts. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. You are not any less valid in your kinks if you enjoy the idea of them more than the reality.

[vilevexedvixen]

You Ask Him Nicely

[vilevexedvixen]

I see the most ardent "Mizu is a cis woman pretending to be a man" people tend to also be Mizu x Akemi shippers who specifically want it to be a wlw ship. I like the ship and don't think it needs to be wlw to work so their insistence just seems... weird?

I honestly think mizu works as transmasc, genderfluid (partly because mizu means water) and episode 7, and cis but weilding masculinity for convenience. All work, but the people who insist on one over others has to ignore at least some aspect of Mizu for their interpretation to be definitive. Especially with the fact that Mizu's masc presentation was initially out of necessity / forced by their maid/mother and intertwined with being a hafu. BUT I still read Mizu as tranmasc, if that makes sense?

Basically, those people shouldn't ignore transmasc text to have wlw rep when Isei is RIGHT THERE! 😩

Someone will see a character who has every Transmasc stereotype lumped in one and be like. Hmmmm no actually you're bad if you say the woman pretending to be a man 'to escape misogyny', whose masculinity is never taken seriously by their family, and who always felt a deep and sharp disconnection from the girls she grew up with, from the woman she was expected to be, and from femininity itself, is trans masc. This is a woman's experience, definitely.

[vilevexedvixen]

I need to see BDSM haters go on rants about the evils of capsaicin

[vilevexedvixen]

I absolutely love this! Neon has never looked so spooky!

[vilevexedvixen]

Sleepy Eyes €~€

I don't know why I love them, they're just so!

[vilevexedvixen]

a fictional man: *is kinda fucked up*

me: i want him so bad

[vilevexedvixen]

Was thinking...

Some of my kinks flatout conflict with my moral and political views (e.g. more extreme cnc and breeding kink fantasies that are particularly dehumanising (of myself)). I know a mix of people who are like me and reckon with the same thing, while others flatout reject kinks that conflict in that way (even if it turns them on). When some people critisise the former / depictions of darker fantasies based on how its most literal interpretation would translate into real life (e.g. viewing cnc as a desire to actually rape / be raped, which it is not) rather than the emotional need its fulfilling through its metaphorical meaning (e.g. wanting to be so intensely desired that people would act in ways they would otherwise object to). Sometimes it is suggested that fantasies like that should instead depict very overt condemnations of rape, an almost patronising, robotic demonstration of consent, occasionally specifically bringing up political theories etc. Tbh I think there's definitely a place for it, even if I don't think it's better (or worse) oe should replace the former. But why DON'T I and those like me enjoy the latter?

The short answer is that I don't get off on having my ego stroked. Quite the opposite(degradation)! Being affirmed that I am fighting the good fight comes across as a little patronising? Why fantasise about being told you're right and righteous? At least, why in porn?

I'm sure there's more too it than that but yeah, shower thoughts I guess ^^'