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Extra! Extra! The Black Family keeps ruining everyone’s lives everywhere.

I’m sure everyone by now knows that Andromeda Black has officially left the family to chase her Muggleborn beau back to his below average family home to live happily ever after... if only that was so easy. Some quick theories I have why she left. 1. She found out Cillian was her second cousin three times removed. 2. She’s pregnant with a half blood baby. But who’s? 3. She fancies herself in love with Ted Tonks. That is until she realizes that muggles don’t have house elves and no one will turn down your bed in the evening after dinner. Either way, I am keeping my eyes on the little couple, I’ll be sure to let you know if any of my theories play out.

Speaking of theories, my Blackinnion shipping has finally played off. Although poor little Mary MacDonald has suffered the consequences of the atypical selfish Black mentality. Yes loyal readers, Sirius Black and Marlene McKinnion finally did the nasty. Right after Sirius Black confessed his love to Mary. It’s really sad and pathetic really but what’s even better is the anger coming from both sides of the righteous Gryffindor clan. Well, everyone but Dorcas Meadowes but let’s be honestly, she probably thinks you’re supposed to sleep around in a relationship. It would explain so much. We didn’t think Sirius Black could fall any father after he was disowned but how wrong we were

I mean at the end of the day, it’s nice to see Marlene McKinnion finally get over Lucius Malfoy. It was starting to get pathetic. Especially now that Lucius Malfoy has clearly moved on to sleeping around with his best friend’s girlfriend behind his back. Rodolphus Lestrange and Veronica Greengrass are currently Hogwarts newest it couple. Now that Lames has literally lived up to their namesake. I would totally ship it if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s clear both of them are cheating on each other. Not only is Veronica shagging Malfoy but she also has her legs opened for both Rosier brothers. It’s the only thing that can explain the glare that Evan Rosier sends Rodolphus Lestrange whenever he’s in his vicinity. We get it Rosier, you’re still in love with Greengrass. Calm down.

For once, Veronica Greengrass is not the only person shagging everyone. Rodolphus Lestrange has been seen hanging around Bellatrix Black an awful lot. Even reports of leaving the Black residence at all hours of the night. I guess someone is putting ferrets in his ass besides Greengrass. It’s cute really, seeing two alpha females fight over Rodolphus.

What’s even cuter is seeing Narcissa Black’s freakish depression over Cormac “Mick” McLaggen. I didn’t think the girl could get any stranger but then she went and got broken up with by Mick over blood relations. Now they’re both crying and making fools of themselves. And don’t think I haven’t noticed the weight gain, McLaggen. How much have you gained? Five pounds? At this point, I’m ready to push Mick McLaggen over to the purebloods so we’re all saved from their wistful looks to each other from across the room. It’s really just an insult to the Black name.

Speaking of insults, I am going to end this post with naming all of the people Dorcas Meadowes slept with recently. Henry Davies, Angelo (Does anyone bother to know his last name?) and probably Sebastian Rosier. Girl, needs to pay off that broom she got. Maybes: Stubby Boardman (Although we all know he’s banging Amycus Carrow and telling everyone he’s in love. How embarrassing.) Despite all of this, we know the girl is pining for McLaggen in the pathetic way Dorcas Meadowes does. 

What’s the moral of this story? Stay far far away from the prestigious Black family. They ruin lives.

XXX

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Bella Black looked pretty into Rodolphus Lestrange at the Slug Club party... do we think she likes guys now?

Bellatrix likes corpses she can cosy up to, but now that her family’s reputation has been dragged through the pig slush due to several ex-communicated culprits (Andromeda, Sirius, I’m looking at you), she’ll have to actually try to be a viable match. Besides, the Blacks love a party, and now that the wedding is cancelled - someone still needs to pick up the lace and silver.

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Who are Veronica and Rodolphus kidding? We all know Veronica's cheating on him with Malfoy and both Rosier brothers and we all know Rodolphus is too brain dead to be in a real relationship.

Now, now, grey face, we know that Veronica’s ‘pureblood pussy’ can vacuum up any eligible Slytherin snakey dick. Rodolphus is practically in love with Malfoy, Evan Rosier flaunts his old flame worse than Professor Flitwick flaunts his toupee, and Sebastian is in love with his hand. It’s a good thing they aren’t in school anymore, would hate to have poor loser walk into Veronica finally giving into sharing them all at once. 

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how pissed are mick's mudblood friends that he's still trying to smash with narcissa black after he supposedly dumped her? honestly he could fit right in with the purebloods if he'd stop being such a shameless bloodtraitor.

Honestly, I think he would drop his muggleborn friends in an instant for Narcissa but even the purebloods don’t want him.

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Did Henry Davies die?

That’s not even funny.

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I heard Veronica Greengrass is paying Rodolphus Lestrange to be her boyfriend... how desperate can she get?

Oh much more desperate I’m sure.

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TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT THE MOST RECENT BLACK TO DEFECT FROM THE FAMILY. oh and for Ted Tonks of all people? That’s the part /I/ find most unbelievable.

I’m so glad you asked, nonny.

For all my loyal readers out there, you might remember the mysterious attack on Ted Tonks over his relationship with Andromeda Black. Well, everyone thought they broke up and they did. That was until New Years, where they rekindled their romance. This time keeping it a secret from almost everyone. Andromeda knew for months that she was leaving but fooled her sisters and her fellow Slytherins that she was going to go along with her marriage to Cillian Nott. In my opinion, she’s worse then Sirius Black. Sirius never yelled “Mudblood!” in the common room and shagged muggleborns in secret.

I will never understand the muggleborn fetish some of these pureblood girls develop but from what I know now, they’re keeping a low profile and under Dumbledore’s protection. 

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Anyone else notice how much Rodolphus and Lucius love each other?! They should have a Best Friend Gay-Off with Gryfindor; Rod, Lucius and Seb vs. James, Sirius, and Remus! Who would win?!

As a self proclaimed Wolf-Star shipper, I will have to say that James, Sirius and Remus would win in this Best Friend Gay Off-Gryffindor. Now in a who’s better at sex competition? That would go to Malfoy hands down.

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Lucius has been single for a while but I haven't heard of him being with anyone yet!!! Please tell me he's over McKinnon.

If there is one thing I know about Lucius Malfoy is that he’s never lonely long.

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A few things. First, I know for a FACT that N. Black cheated on C. McLaggen. Second, where has Sirius Black disappeared to and where is his “girlfriend”? Third, did Indy King get a boob job? Fourth, I heard Evan Rosier has been banging Stubby Boardman. Fifth honestly Dorcas and Angelo? Really?!

First off anon, I need names and receipts if you’re going to accuse Narcissism Black of cheating. Although I do not deny it. Second, Does anybody even really care about Sirius and his no name girlfriend? Third, probably not. She got tits like in second year. I remember specifically watching her give herself blackeyes from running around bra-less. Fourth, I’d like to think Evan has a lot more class and would be banging Rodolphus. Fifth, the girl sleeps with everyone. Are we that surprised.

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How desperate do you think Emmeline Vance is on a scale from one to ten, ten being super-duper desperate?

Super-duper Infinity desperate. 

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The weather is getting warmer, the birds are starting to chirp and the students of Hogwarts are currently fucking like rabbits at the moment. Really, it might be easier to tell you who isn’t rolling around in the hay with one another but what fun would that be?

Let’s start with Evan Rosier. Honestly, it feels like the guy just came out of no where and now he’s the talk of the town. He’s gone on a few dates with Narcissa Black and the frigid ice queen has actually bestowed a kiss on Prince Charming. Let’s hope he doesn’t turn into a frog at midnight. Although he does like to jump from bed to bed it seems. First with Veronica Greengrass and recently Alecto Carrow and Evan have been seen disappearing into tents to and running from the kitchens naked and covered in chocolate. As if thinking about all of those calories they ingested isn’t gross enough, I have several sources telling me that Bellatrix Black has also thrown her hat into the Evan Rosier ring. Something about spring time makes even the craziest bitches want the D. 

It turns out the Narcissa Black and Veronica Greengrass  have a lot more in common then they think. Good looks, Slytherins, big old fat lesbian kisses and now they’re sharing the same penises. Not only with Evan Rosier but with good ole Mick McLaggen. Just when I think he couldn’t find another woman to fill his dance card, good ole Cormac surprises me again. Also don’t think I haven’t seen you eyeing up Andromeda Black, McLaggen. Is she your next victim?

Although this time Mick was seen with Veronica Greengrass in the prefects bathroom. Although Veronica disappeared suddenly around Mick during class, I can only imagine what those two were up to. Have you ever heard of shagging in a bed, McLaggen?

Speaking of not shagging in a bed, our favorite Gryffinslag, Dorcas Meadowes and Mick McLaggen disappeared in the woods during the lame bonfire thrown by the Gryffindor girls (I include Glenda Chittock in the label of lame and Gryffindor girls because can we even tell her apart anymore?). Pretty much everyone saw Mick fuck Dorcas up against a tree and you can blame it on the fairy dust as much as you want, girl, we all know you cannot not have sex in a public place with Cormac. And we thought Emmeline Vance was desperate.

Big shout out to Alecto Carrow for drugging everyone and attempting to bring about change to the snooze fest. Usually I do not condone drugging people without their consent but when it comes to these crazies, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.

Once again, Marlene McKinnion and Lucius Malfoy are starting to date and like most couples at Hogwarts, they’re starting to get boring. Luckily the drugs were around and it was almost sweet to see Remus Lupin all over Marlene McKinnion. Now that is a ship I can get on and sail. I bet Remus and Marlene could have freaky sex all night. Of course, Remus isn’t the only marauder that Marlene has been seen all over. She was spotted dragging Sirius Black to the hospital wing, maybe she broke his penis? That must be awkward since Sirius is supposed going all monogamous with Mary MacDonald. Another snoozefest if you ask me. Although I wonder if Mary knows you were snogging Emmeline Vance the other night, Sirius?”

On the other hand, Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape were getting all hot and heavy. Body shots were involved people. Use your imagination.

I never thought I would say this in a million years but even Rodolphus Lestrange has been getting some action. With Veronica Greengrass. Of course, he’s sharing his action but let’s be honest, the kid is going to take what he can get. It was almost overnight that Rowdy Roddy went from capital of the he man woman shouldn’t play Quidditch club to asking Veronica to stick things up his ass. All I can say is good for you Roddy. Maybe Veronica will soothe the pain of being demoted to second best friend to Malfoy?

Now as much as I can’t stand Dorcas Meadowes and her infatuation with with quidditch bro’s, I can’t help but throw a few claps her way. She went on a date with Sebastian Rosier, got free food, a new Quidditch broom and didn’t even put out. I mean, it’s only a matter of time until she does sleep with him. Come on people, it’s Dorcas Meadowes.

Still, it was just a great reminder that I really need a sugar daddy. 

Poor Henry Davies, once again faces rejection. If only he would realize that I am the one for him. Really, Glenda Chittock doesn’t even deserve him so he honestly dodged a bullet on that one. She went on a date with Angelo Fazio, just to rub the salt into poor Henry’s wounds. I hope she gets pregnant and has a baby with a unibrow. Indigo King is another member of the Angelo Fazio fan-club, having easily moved on to “I wish I was a man” Lupin. Not that I can blame her. They even got a room at the Three Broomsticks. Scandalous. But good for you girl, finally finding a man who can really shag. 

Anyway, just want to give out a quick shout out to all my readers who love hearing the unbiased news of all our favorite people at Hogwarts. 

Happy Spring Folks! Remember to keep your eyes and ears open, lest you miss Amycus Carrow and Stubby Boardman disappearing into a tent again. Together.

xxx

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Pretty sure I saw Cormac McLaggen & Veronica Greengrass sneaking into the prefect's bathroom yesterday morning.

That must be awkward since Cormac is sort of seeing Narcissa Black on the DL but everyone knows and Ronnie Greengrass is friends with dear Cissy.

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Is it true? Did Rowdy Roddy Lestrange really take a girl home the other night?

I do have reason to believe that Rowdy Roddy Lestrange did bring a girl home the other night. You’ll have to read the next issue of the Hogwarts Grapevine to find out who. Believe me, it’s juicy.

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Isn't Glenda in a throuple with Henry & Indy? Why was she out after curfew with Fazio the other night?

At this point, who isn’t a throuple with Glenda? Girl is starting to get sluttier then Dorcas Meadowes and that’s very hard to do. Believe me. I tried.

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Glenda and James used to fuck. Lily doesn't know

Oh really? If this is true gray face, this might be a game changer for our least favorite snake who plays both sides. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, sweetheart.

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That awkward moment when Emmaline thinks Amycus likes girls.

It’s sad really. Although who knows. Maybe Emmaline will become his beard. We know what those purebloods think about homosexuals.