holaelise-blog

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EliseReynolds: My favorite girls, for life. 

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So what I'm getting from this is that I should never let you take naps. I do not want to be a single mother for 7 years, 2 hours, and 30 minutes. I did not sign up for that. I do not approve. No more naps for you, I don't trust you. Well, I do. A little. But you get the point. I love you, don't leave me, amen.

Taking a nap is always so risky, like when will I wake up? In thirty minutes? In 2 hours? In 7 years? No one can be sure. But when I take nap, I’ll  wake up in 7 years, 2 hours, and 30 minutes though.

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You're so funny, congratulations. What on Earth did I do to deserve such a hilarious wife who just so happens to also be really hot? Wow. Thanks, God. What a bro. Does this make me Bruce Jenner? I love my mullet. 

Why so serious? Get it? I’m funny. I love myself, I love my life, I love my wife, I love my son, and I love my daughters. I’m Kris Jenner.

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EliseReynolds: Just a lil giraffe enjoying life. #clearly #sheloveshermoms

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The Joker got his scars from trying to put a whole pringle in his mouth at once. This is the truth. None of this is lies.

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Honey, you talk a lot. Wanna put your mouth to better use and make out for a sec? Cool, thanks, love you. Give me a diamond ring.

Yes, no, maybe. I DON’T KNOW, WOMAN. Woman. Woman. I’m hurt, don’t you dare call me bitchass. Just kidding, call me whatever you want. That sounds dirty. Oh, can I just get you every flavor? I’m not up to speed on the flavor intensities of ring pops. Flavor intensities? What am I? I’m a dad. I need to call the folks about this good news. We’re all a little crazy.. Hm, that sounds like a song. I don’t know if it’s a song actually. Yes, yes, and yes! You only asked two questions, shut up, don’t yell at me. I’M FRAGILE LIKE AN EGG.

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Tomorrow? Right now? Make up your mind, bitchass. I need to prepare myself. Wow, what a beautiful engagement. I am blown away. But I think the flavor of the ring pops determine a lot of things. Choose a flavor wisely. Elephant shoes? Elephant shoes. Hey, I love you too. But I was saying elephant shoes. Alright, man. You can be the dad. You can be whatever you want to be, honey. I will support you no matter what. Shoot for the stars. Dream big. Etc, etc. You are absolutely crazy, but that's okay. We're all a little crazy. Surfbort. Wait, that's a different song. My b. That is totally us though, wow! Three and four and five? I Am Number Four?

You’re welcome, you’re welcome. Tomorrow. No, right now. Do ring pops count as an engagement ring? I have like seven ring pops. Maybe I’ll buy three more so you’ll have one for each finger. I love guava juice. Olive juice. Get it? If you mouth it at someone, it looks like you’er saying ‘I love you’ but you’re saying a type of juice that wouldn’t really exist. But hey, I love you. I’m not saying olive juice. I want to be the dad, I’m cool enough to be a dad, right? RIGHT?! Yes. I’m offended, I’m not crazy. Remember Crazy In Love by Beyonce and my man, Jay Z? That’s like us, OMG! Three, yes, I like that.

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Thank you, thank you, soon to be Mrs. Miller. When are you going to propose? Get on that, thanks. You’re dumb. Love you. Obtuse, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice, giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake? Maybe, probably. This is normal, babe. Do you want to be the husband? Should our kids start calling you dad? What are you even talking about now? I’m going to marry a crazy person, oh my god. Pray for me. Yes, good. Maybe. We’ll call it Three for short. Amazing.

Okay, okay, I forgive you, my wife. Dildos and vibrators? And fingers, and tongues? I don’t know what else. Why are we talking about this? Do you think regular wives talk about this? That reminds me, am I the husband? Crazy for you? Haha, Madonna. Hey, man, I thought it was the other way around, that’s what Bruce the shark told me. Oh my god, is he a liar? Alright, alright. I’m reserving my uterus for baby number 3. Can we name it number 3? Number Three Miller-Reynolds. Beautiful.

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I apologize, but at least now you know how much I love you just in case I haven't made that clear before. That's correct, thank you. What would I do without those? Die, probably. Just kidding. That's why dildos exist. What are we talking about? I don't know. Homo levels? Homo levels. Super duper. You're crazy. Fish are food, not friends. 6 it is then. You're having the next one. That's not fair, what the freak, man? Unbelievable. 

Good. No, maybe, I’m not sure. Oh my god, that mental image is going to be in my brain forever now, thank you. Exactly, my fingers and tongue are everything you need. On a romantic level anyways. Romantic level? There are levels now? I don’t know what I’m talking about. Yes, very cute. Super duper very cute. I like sharks, but I don’t think I’d want us to swim with sharks. Maybe fishes, y’know. Alright, let’s stick with 6. You’re welcome, love you to infinity and beyond. I WIN.

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EliseReynolds: Drunk on boob milk. #clearlylovesboobs #alreadyjustlikehermoms #tmi? #dealwithit #shescute #hashtagsonhashtags

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Oh, thank goodness then, because I would rather chop off all of my limbs and eat them than not be with you. Too much? Oh well. Thanks, me neither. Woah, my babyhole is barely recovering from the last child. Can you get me pregnant with just your fingers? They're like miniature dicks, aren't they? No? I don't know. I forgot what a penis looks like. Which is good, I think. What's a penis when Maxine's fingers and tongue exist? NO HOMO. Miniature homo. Am I still cute after all that? Thank you so much, I try my very hashtag best hashtag. I want to do everything with you. I'd even swim with sharks with you if that's what you wanted to do, even though sharks are terrifying, but at least I'd have you by my side. I don't think I can handle 800, let alone giving birth to 400. We'll stick with like, 6. Maybe 10. We'll see how much you still love me after the first few kids. Thanks, love you to the moon and back.

Yes. Yes incest. Just kidding, gross. Whoa, whoa, whoa, I would rather kill myself than not be with you. Is that too much? Perhaps. Thank you, I can’t wait for Midget Homo. Can you get pregnant again? Just kidding. Maybe in a few more days. I think the doctor would’ve both slapped us and told everyone that we named our daughter Anonymous and our faces would be on Time Square. Stop, you’re gonna make me cry with all the cute things you have to say. You are seriously hashtag the best wife in the hashtag world. Yes, yes, and yes. Do you wanna ride a motorcycle across Arizona with me? Do you wanna get dance on the beach to a kind of inappropriate song while I wear my million dollar chains whilst drinking? Do you wanna make a movie together in which we are married and are both secret agents but we don’t know about it? SPOILER ALERT. I think. I want 800 kids. I’ll give birth to 400, and you give birth to the other 400, thanks, love you.

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@reynoodles: @spaghettimiller dad is not embarrassing. no come back. com e ba c k. #what #is #this #omg #dad #numberonedad #happyfathersday

@spaghettimiller: @reynoodles you make my heavy metal heart.........beat. #deep #lyrics #skyferrari #wheresmyferrarihoney #surfbort

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@reynoodles: @spaghettimiller dillon did. what the letter f, dillon is a liar. i am disappointed. #AMITOOLOUD #justkidding #hashtag

@spaghettimiller: @reynoodles you're embarrassing, i am out. goodbye. #iamgone #hashtag #onhashtag

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@reynoodles: i love watching superhero movies with dillon while the wife and sk are sleeping next to us. #thisisthelife #imacooldad

@spaghettimiller: @reynoodles who said i was asleep? #iseeyou #dontwakethebaby #omg!

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EliseReynolds: Scarlett Kennedy, you've stolen my heart. #donttellyourmomma #almostnamedheranonymous #justkidding #noimnot

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EliseReynolds: I'm in trouble with these two. #inlove #mygirls