hollienl34

[hollienl34]

03.23.25

i would give anything just to see her again and it makes me sick.

[hollienl34]

02.25.25

alr so hyper-fixating on drawing helps pretty well when I'm trying not to relapse??

[hollienl34]

02.24.25

Why do I sit here and fear reaching out? Literally and physically, something in my gut aches and feels fuzzy like mold every time I even get the mere thought of reaching out. Sometimes I think, maybe a hug would be nice, I can't ever initiate it though. I can't bring myself to that type of intimacy unless it is in a joking or quick manner. I can't hug my mom goodnight without feeling the urge to break down. I can't hug my siblings without the aching and impending feeling of protection and possessiveness. I can't hug my dad without feeling like I've never reached out enough or put enough effort into us, making me want to confess an endless stream of tarped emotions I never expressed to him. I think he feels the same way. I feel I'm just an outcome of who he is. I don't think he could ever admit to that too. I know one day, I'll be sitting in my empty and low-lit kitchen, drinking from a bottle of wine he'd given me for my future 40th birthday, and I will be alone. I'm too fast to let go of myself and slow for other people, and I'm too fast, dusting them out. no one has been at my pace, I don't want to chase or slowdown or pause for someone, especially not a partner. I can't live like that. That's now how I am.

Maybe it would be if i could just reach out. But i csnt, so its not possible.

I think the churning in my gut tells me my mind is right anyway.