holyspiritskid-blog

[holyspiritskid-blog]

Mental health awareness

Once, the monsters were under my bed. Now they reside in my head, and there isn't enough monster spray to make them go away! These monsters play a game of tag inside the battlefield that is my brain. They taunt and prattle at me, in confusing and loud voices, agitating me. Inwardly I'm am slain, I am ever mentally exhausted, and the over flow gushes into my physical body and into my Spirit. For I am caught between each monsters python like grip, each with there own version of plastering me. It as if I am their play thing, and they are fighting as to has rights to me in each moment. Let your imagination take flight as I described these mental monsters to you; Agoraphobia, you confine me with your dark green ugly poison filled talons. You turn my naturally extroverted tendencies, into a broken and shy, hollow version of myself. There is much fun I have missed out on because you keep me bound from groups of ten or more, that require more social interaction, or to much stimulation. Speaking of social interactions; my Agoraphobia will often with talons still dug in, throw me to my Social Anxiety. This monstrosity causes my brain to become completely blank, during the simplest of causal conversation. Social anxiety is like a horrible high school nightmare. One in which a test is given, that is handed to you blank. A test that you haven't been given notes to study for. And like that blank white test or, a fill in the blanks test, my mind often forgets social norms and even names. It can cause me to not know what to say; or when not to say something. That is Social Anxiety's profession in my brain. Furthermore; whilst Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety play tug of war within my mental frontier another mental monster takes shape. Let me explain him to you; Generalized Anxiety, he stands malevolently hunched over in a murky corner, with him you can only make out the shadow out line of what he looks like. He likes to look at me with eyes that are green in color and his pupils are red; with a menacing glare and flashing white fangs. He curls up like a viper, ready to strike at any moment. All these anxieties often play with me but only I can see. Then there is by far the second worst monster of all. Persistent Depressive Disorder is his name. This evil watchmen never truly sleeps. He comes in like a tidal wave, then like a calm steady stream, regardless of how he comes, he hits continuously like the waves of the ocean. He slowly beats me down, wearing my resolve. When my resolve is gone and I'm left in pain, often my recourse is to cut my flesh. As if the pain would subside in my mind from the outward affliction. Often his tidal waves of depression, send me to the costal shores of Insomnia. Insomnia you son of Satan, you manic slander of tall tales! You by far are the worst to me, because you work along side my Panic Disorder, and my many vast anxieties, morphing into some inexplicable horror. You are far worse then any nightmare I have ever had. You are far worse then an over grown Black Widow. Which upon biting you poisons you from sleep. He works by spinning his wicked webs of how things should have gone; or how things will go. You cause the analytical part of my brain to go into hyper drive, you cause me to break down every possible scenario. You taunt me with imaginary conversations, that avoid any truth or sensibility, with things that may never happen!

[holyspiritskid-blog]

The hurt

You jumped down my throat and even with the distance between us, I still feel like I'm about to choke. It bothers me so, that you can't seem to let me go. It bothers me more, that I'm still somehow under your control. For a moment in my life, I felt like, I could survive, with you, slightly on my side. I've come to realize how deeply I've drowned in my need for you to approve, of all that I do. The distance you chose, has broken a foothold I didn't discern. Now that I've reviewed the past; as I take a second glance, I see past the heroine, I once thought I knew. In less of a glowing light then I formally remembered. Four years of locusts have swept our house hold. At least one year was of my own doing. The other three where a domino effect, of a choice made by me. Yet I know that I am not fully to blame, for all the famine we faced. Once we were four, seamlessly golden to those, who looked at us from the outside. Yet once behind locked doors the disputes were raised in an undignified manner and the facade came unraveled. When the pressure of the performance, got to much; each of us were left threadbare. Some of us unraveled more quickly then others. Some of us rushed off to be sown back together, to quickly. Some of us took positions we never should have shouldered. But while we continue to blame, one person for the pain; have we truly looked ourselves in the face? Once the damage was done and the four us became three, somehow it became easier to break ourselves apart; rather then to work to mend the barriers between us. All the cracks and crevices, created by one man's arrogance, showed some of you, that it was easier to not be family; then to be family. So we have all changed yet the damage still remains, now there's 5 of us total. But adding in numbers doesn't make up for the; the lack of a bond that we once had won. Moving from place to place, may have put problems and pressures on all of us; but we were all we had. You are not the same dear mother; you've done things and said things I'd never thought I'd hear or see. But the hardest part of all of this, is not that I miss you. The hardest part is, that haven't had the same mother, since my biological father, left you to a type of grave. When he walked out the door, part of you was taken with him. And now I am sure that there is more to the story of how it all ended. I cry for my mother, the one thrown away, like yesterday's trash. Yet I cry even more because she's done what hurt her the worst; to the daughter she bore.