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another

she liked who she was when she had no inhibtions

she liked who she was when she had an out for every sentence she spoke

she liked not being held accountable for her actions

she felt liberated, she felt free, she felt weightless

so she poured another. 

she said whatever popped into her head

she took risks she never normally took, after all who could blame her?

she was brutally, hilariously, uncontrollably honest.

she danced. she sang. she didn’t have a single care or regret.

so she poured another.

she wasn’t scared to talk to him. she walked right up.

she was electric. propelled forward by liquid courage.

she was confident and it made such a difference.

she was sexy, she was flirtatious, she was fun.

so he poured her another.

she giggled and laughed and she didn't care who said anything about her

she started to feel a little bit unsteady

she leaned on him for support and he leaned on her with something else in mind

she felt dizzy and the room spun

she kissed him back because tonight she can do absolutely anything

so he poured another 

she felt the minutes vanishing and she couldn’t figure out where they went

she wanted him to help her find them, but he was helping to make them disappear 

she didn't remember walking up the stairs. he did.

she said it was about time to go find her friends

so he made her drink another.

she tried her hardest to keep her eyelids open, but they were as heavy as cinder blocks 

she tried her hardest to keep her dress on, but he was stronger than he looked

she tried her hardest to say no, but he was louder than she was

she tried hard to keep her legs closed, but none of that mattered because he was hard

so he poured himself into her.

she showers, but she doesn't get clean.

she screams, but no one hears her.

she cries, but no one helps her.

she can’t get rid of the stain he left on her, she can't forget what he did, she can't breathe.

so she pours another, and another, and another.

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college

college has started and I love Notre Dame. I have made a really good group of friends. It is kinda hard because Caroline and Emilia are acting like best friends and sometimes I feel like a third wheel to them. It is hard because I feel like the ugly friend in every situation. I don't think Emilia is that pretty. She has boobs tho I guess. I know that is a mean thing to say, but I am just trying to write everything I feel here so that I don’t say anything mean irl and get myself into a trouble. I really want to be a genuinely nice persona and a good friend. Caroline is pretty and skinny and personable and has boobs. Boys flock to her. Also she already knows a ton of people because of Julia. Guys think Daria is really pretty too. Blonde hair, skinny, boobs, etc. Sometimes I feel like they are all talking to someone and I am sitting in the corner by myself or desperately trying to join a conversation. Yesterday in Knott I literally felt invisible. I felt like I was speaking and no noise was coming out. No body was listening to me or acknowledging me. It was awful. this one guys was a complete asshole to me and like snapped at me because I knocked over a speaker on accident. Then Leah was like stop Jenna it was one time. She took his side and was like bitchy to me. What the fuck??? Of course nothing will ever happen with me and a boy like Connor and Emilia b/c they just don't like me. I am too heavy and sweaty. I am always sweating when we are out and its so gross. Why do my legs sweat and that doesn't happen to other girls? Leah pointed out that I was sweating last night. Another bitch move honestly. She doesn't wear makeup and is frankly not pretty. Her hair is ugly like a long mangy horse tail. ughhhh I do not feel good about the way I look. I care so much about what other people think which I know is bad, but I can't control it. It weighs me down. I do not feel good about myself. I just want to feel pretty. lose the weight. I can't. I can. So hard. ugh. 

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Day 1: stop gaining weight you fatty

I'm starting now. No more procrastinating.

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Julia and Colleen blowout

Colleen dated Johnny. Johnny dumped her. Julia and Colleen had been having problems. Julia sucked johnnys dick after he and coll broke up. Would have had sex but Julia was on period. Coll found it and slut shamed Julia on her finsta. Can't believe coll did this knowing Julia's history of self harm. Not okay. Julia called me crying and got dropped off at my house. We went in the basement and she SOBBED. Cried for so long, makeup running everywhere. I tried to tell her it would be okay, that it wound to matter in a few weeks. I was scared she would hurt herself and I was right. She insisted I take her home but I didn't feel right about it. I took her anyway. I shouldn't have. She went to bakers lake and took a bunch of pills and then self harmed. Cecilia took her to the hospital. She lived but had to go into some hospital day program for self harm and she hasn't been going to school. Idk. I'm so angry at Colleen but I don't want this to ruin our friendship but I feel like being friends with coll could ruin mine with Julia. Coll never wants to hang out anyway tho so I guess it's fine for now...crazy shit. I had so much guilt.

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John

So Louise convinced me to get a tinder. It was pretty fun started talking to a guy named Nate who turned out to be pretty creepy and he lived 4 miles away so I cut that off real quick and was pretty freaked for a while. Then I saw joe on there...ew...also saw Toby with fake name max. Anyway, I was wasted with Louise and started talking to this guy john. He was 19 now 20 and goes to notre Dame. I like him a lot personality wise but I'm not physically attracted to him. We've been talking for at least 4 months or something now. I feel guilty because he wants me...like he wants me bad. He wants my body and yet I want his mind. I'm terrified to meet him. It will be so awkward! Also what if we go to a movie and he's a terrible kisser or fucking weird and I'm stuck there for hours. In the end, I'd say there's a 5% chance I meet him. Lately he keeps asking for nudes, telling me he needs me. Using me like porn. I always thought that was kind of what I wanted...to have a guy desire me, want me but now I really need a guy who wants to talk to me...not just see me naked or fuck me, ya know? Idk I normally fluctuate, stop,talking for a few days then start again. I don't want to lead him on but I've always been honest that I probably won't meet him. *sigh* I need to meet a boy irl who's here. I feel like more boys talk to me at school this year..am I prettier? Nicer? Skinnier? Friendlier? Idk or I could just be imagining it. Dead God please let me get asked to prom. PLEASE.

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Update: September 11, 2016

Wow. So much has changed. Let's see, since last November (2015) I have lost about 40 pounds. I am more comfort all with my body than I have ever been. Still no best friend but frankly I'm just excited for the future. Yes, I still desperately want that person but it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. This year many people have told me I seem like I smile more. It's subtle but it's been said at least several times. I think this has to do with the weight loss, I think I'm just happier with myself honestly. College feels like it's right on the horizon and I'm drowning in apps. Had a softball, round robin today, my first one with the Patriots and I hit amazingly. 5 for 9, no fences but would have had 2 homers. I have never felt more separated from grace. She is so disrespectful and rude to me in ow leading, and actually I feel basically over her. Louise has become obsessed with getting a "sugar daddy". I think it is putridly disgusting. Glorified prostitution, I think it's super fucked up. Things have been going well overall. I still struggle with hating myself and my body but it's less and more manageable, down to a size 10.

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First kiss

So I had my first kiss and it kinda of sucked lol (no pun intended). It was random guy I met on yak from California. His name was Christian. Um he was like really aggressive and shoved his tongue like fully into my mouth! He also FINGERED ME. Like I did not want that it was rough, it didn't fell good at all. Then he was like give me a handjob over and over and I was like no I'm not comfortable but he wouldn't stop insisting! But I was strong and was like no. He asked me to straddle him and it as awkward in the short backseat of the Ford Taurus but I did it and he was like gyrating trying to get my body to rub against his boner. The whole thing was just very aggressive and I honestly wanted it to end. He bit my bottom lip pretty hard a couple of times too. Like no lol. But hey I got it over with. Successfully got my first kiss out of the way ✅ April 2nd 2016

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Lars update

Coll and Lars broke up because of distance. Little does lars know coll cheated on him. Three times at least. (not sex)

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Best friend=nonexistent

I have no best friend i used to be she turned out to be a social climbing, bitch slut. Now I have none I don't know if I have ever felt more lonely. I am so hoping that I will meet a wonderful BEST friend in college who I am inseparable with. Stupid fucking Paulina and Shannon are just the best friends and they never include me at hoco they danced only with each other when I tried to join they boxed me out. They don't invite me to hang. I HAVE NO ONE. feeling so lonely lately its unbelievable. Dear God, please send me a best friend

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I Fucked L***

remember when I mentioned that huge confession my friend made when she was drunk? first some backstory

She is 15. Earlier that day (sober) i asked her if she was a virgin she said yes. I knew that she had sucked dick but i thought that was as far as it went. I was wrong.

Some time in to being wasted she blurts out “I fucked L***”. I couldn’t belive it. Did she really just say she had had sex? with a boy she barely knows? A boy who she’s not dating!

Then it hits me: Holy fucks she has had a penis in her vagina. She has had a dick in her pussy. SHE HAS HAD SEX, SHE HAS HAD SEX. my drunk self has no problem asking personal questions.

me- did it hurt? her- yes but i took advil then it was okay me- how many times? her- 3 nights me- did it feel good? her- after advil, yes me- did u use a condom her- im not a dumb ass me- wait did u just say you have had sex? here- thats what we are talking about. me- holy fuck, haha key word fuck

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