On Patroclus & Achilles
He looked at him
as if he was the sun,
as if he was the most
beautiful thing
he had ever seen.
Can you imagine?
A love so brilliant,
even in death,
that both gods & men
cant stop talking about it.
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On Turning 30
My dear self,
I know you didn't think
you'd make it this far,
didn't think you'd reach
these numbers that
you will be labeled with
(the days of the calendar"
blowing away, the clock
ticking the seconds
in unsettling staccato)
I know you thought
you'd be dead by now,
that this future is a future
that was only for people who
weren't you
& now you're standing
here, on the precipice
of a great beginning,
empty handed & a
little bit confused.
What do you bring
into your new life
when you were prepared
for nothing other than not-life?
What could the coming years
bring to you? Do you
brace yourself for
unbearable darkness
or prepare for
unspeakable joy?
There is no way of knowing.
All there is to do is
walk into those years of promise
with your head held high
& your heart full of
fragile hope.
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Legacy
My greatest hope is that
my legacy will be
a chest full of memories,
a collection of letters,
artwork, & keepsakes.
I want there to be photographs
of a life well lived &
people dearly cherished,
for there to be a richness,
a tangible proof
that I didn't waste these moments,
that I lived my life alive.
I want to leave my voice behind
in books & poems,
but most of all I want
my legacy to be
overflowing with love,
so much love.
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Roots
Dearest,
my heart
wants to grow roots
with your heart
until
they begin to
beat in synchrony
until
we have grown
secure
in each other's
love.
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The Room I Need
I'm so tired of the world
telling me there is no
"empty enough",
that I take up
too much space,
& that I need to be
more empty.
I've tried to
hollow out my bones
with missing calories,
with the blade,
with the hope that
if I drove too fast
someone would
hollow them out for me.
I've spent too much time
hating myself
& apologizing for
the space I couldn't help
but exist in.
The world exists
for me too
& I can take up
as much room
as I need.
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Isn't it Heavy?
I can't imagine
walking around with all that
hate in your heart.
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Adoration
I couldn't want you more
if your voice made the flowers bloom
or if your eyes held the
twinkling of all the stars.
You have brought so much wonder
into my life, so much magic & joy.
Before I knew it, my heart
filled itself with thoughts of you.
All I can dream of is your strong
arms wrapped tight around me
& never letting go.
Please don't let me go.
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Sunshine
Sunshine.
I'd almost forgotten
the feeling of it
dancing
on my skin
with the breeze.
The world is filled
with bright colors.
The grass is greener,
the sky is bluer,
& the world
is somehow
more yellow.
I want to soak
up the light,
the joy of existing
& being seen.
I want to be the
sunshine.
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Words Better than Silence
The world fell apart
& I ran out of things to say.
As it has been said,
if your words aren't
better than your silence . . .
Well perhaps
I've failed that one
I miss the pen
& the paper
& the silence
that comes with
feverishly writing
in a leather journal
like it was the only way
I stayed alive
like my words
were better than my silence.
Will it come back?
Or is it gone forever?
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The Mirror
When I take a look
in the mirror:
I see
someone I don't recognize.
I don't know him.
I don't know
his curves, his lines,
the fat
on his arms, his cheeks.
I don't know
the awkward way
he holds himself.
I want to see
someone
I can relate to.
I want to feel
like I can belong
in my own body.
What does it take
to feel like that?
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40
With that smile?
There is nothing as bright as you.
There is nothing as lovely,
no one I'd rather
spend my time with.
You are the gentlest
man I've ever met
& I'm just so blessed
because you are
brighter than all the stars,
more beautiful than
all of the cosmos,
& you still talk to me
like I am magic.
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Queer
Am I really the first of us
to see someone like me
& fall in love?
Am I the first in the family
to look in the mirror
& see someone so different
from what people see?
Out of all the generations
was there really
no one but me?
Or did you silence them
like you'll silence me?
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Delicate Blossoms
Your words are
delicate blossoms,
gentle kisses
on my forehead,
& I could never
get enough.
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The Fog
Sadness has carried me
around the muted house, as if
I'm floating through doorways
mindlessly & ghostlike.
My depression is a fog
that rose out from nowhere
& swallowed me up
until I couldn't see, couldn't feel
another living soul.
This poem is me reaching out.
Please see me.
Please grab my hand
& pull me out.
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Sharp
"I may think of you softly from time to time. But I'll cut off my hand before I ever reach out for you again." -Arthur Miller
You were there in my dream-
soft as the day you were born
& I could have sworn
you were light, pure light.
I fell in love with you
all over again.
It was so easy to trust you,
to pull myself into
your embrace again.
It felt like this time
could be different.
Until you turned sharp again,
cut out my heart with a
ruthlessness I forgot
you were capable of.
I felt like I was careening
into the darkest pit
there ever was
& I swore to myself
I'd never make the same
mistake again.
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After Dark
Darkness falls. One by one
the common spaces are emptied
& the voices become silent.
This is the most peaceful time.
The hours in which they dream
are the hours in which
I quit holding my breath.
I feel the muscles in my
shoulders relax, my jaw gently
releases its grinding.
This must be what it was like
to have lived alone.
I’ve almost forgotten
what it was like to take up
my own space & to have
a space of my own to take up.
I relish the few hours I get each night,
the time that I have
carved out for myself
in an environment in which
I was never meant to be.
They are my own act of rebellion,
a form of radical self love
in a world that would rather
silence me.
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Spaces
Tonight, I can feel the spaces
in the middle of everything-
each atom floating next to each other
but never touching
& I can’t help but think about
the space that exists
between you & me.
There’s so much distance separating
my hands & your hands
my lips & your lips.
The spaces between my words
each hold the longing
to fill the empty space in your bed.
Darling, there is as much love
in the silent breath,
as there is in my speech,
& it’s all for you.
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